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“Exes & Ohs” Recaps: Episode 1.5 “Pole Dancing and Other Forms of Therapy”

An interview –Last week Jen turned down a big fat check from a woman named Lauren because she found Lauren’s body more irresistible than her money. But today Jen’s taping an interview with a pole-dancing instructor for her documentary, so I guess she found her shooting funds elsewhere. (Maybe she sold her Complete Works of Shakespeare on eBay?)

The pole-dancing instructor proudly tells Jen and her camera that she stripped her way through college. Showing up at the bursar’s office with 5,000 singles is no way to endear yourself to your future alma mater, but hey, whatever it takes, right? She not only got out of college debt-free, she had enough money left over to start a school for pole dancer wannabes. While a student does something slightly gynecological to a brass pole, Jen asks the woman to address the idea that this kind of dancing exploits women. The woman smiles and argues that it “teaches women to put themselves out there and express themselves in whole new ways.” I can think of a dozen other ways to express myself that do not include a leotard and Handi Wipes, but that’s just me.

Jen is also skeptical about the Power of the Pole.

Pole Woman: You know, I usually find women that hold back in one area usually hold back in lots of other areas. Jen: One day I should take a class and find out. Pole Woman: Well, how ’bout now? Jen glances at the student, who is now upside down with the pole nestled in her ass crack. Uh, rain check?

A helping hand –Sam is helping Jen set up the reception area for a rough-cut screening of her skinumentary, Sex, Inc. She rushes in late and plops three large sandwich trays down on the bar. Smoothing her hair several times, she eyes Jen like a nervous squirrel. Jen notices right away and comments that three cases of bed head in one week is fairly ambitious, even for Sam.

Sam tells Jen not to worry about her bed status and asks instead about the interview with the pole dancer. Jen tells her about the offer to take a class, which makes Sam guffaw in disbelief and say, “Yeah. Not with a million dollars and Mia Hamm’s phone number.” OK, but if her husband answers, hang up.

A question –Meanwhile at the ChKrisses, the childless couple discusses the do’s and don’ts of a biological father. Chris seems to be leaning toward the A Child Needs to Know Their Father school of thought, while Kris is from the Thanks for Filling the Cup, Now Get Lost camp. It’s dawning on them that they might be scrolling through their cell phone contacts for a donor.

A fan –At the Muff-In, Crutch is complaining to Emmy that her new part-time gig as a consultant “blows.” Crutch tells her it’s frustrating they don’t heed her suggestions to give the people what they want. It’s been two solid weeks since the squishy muffin meeting and still no change. Apparently they did not teach coma-inducing concepts like “implementation gap” at Bakersfield Junior College, where Crutch spent over a year majoring in “various things.”

All Emmy wants to hear is that Crutch has gotten her first paycheck, because Crutch is still showering in the ladies’ restroom.

As Crutch bemoans working for The Man, she suddenly notices a young girl with a strangely full mop of hair and big doe eyes staring at her nervously. Is that Tatum O’Neal from Little Darlings? Crutch gives her an impatient “What?” Tatum says with awe, “You’re Crutch!” Crutch is getting fanned for the first time.

Tatum tells Crutch she heard her amazing music on the internet and adds, “And I think I’m gay, like you.” Before you can say “baby dyke,” Crutch’s face goes from happy surprise to alarm.

A screening –Later that evening, Jen is ready to screen her rough cut. Sam mingles, merlot in hand, as Jen meets and greets her friends and guests. Elizabeth, the woman she ran into at Pet Adoption Day, is there to lend her support for Jen’s film. Jen reintroduces Elizabeth to Sam, but Sam doesn’t easily forget a nice ass face. Sam raises a brow at Elizabeth and says, “How could I forget?”

Elizabeth congratulates Jen on her screening and assures her it’s OK if she’s got a case of the jitters – being nervous is a normal part of the process. Sam rolls her eyes.

Sam: I love how someone can’t just be nervous, there has to be a process around it.

Jen: [to Elizabeth] She has some issues with therapy. Sam: Therapy’s crap.

But how do you really feel, Sam? Elizabeth: You’ve never tried therapy, have you?

Sam: Depends on what kind of therapy you’re talking about. Elizabeth: The talking kind. Sam: Um, I prefer the physical kind. Elizabeth: At some point you may have to actually engage your mind.

Really? What for?

Jen changes the subject by asking Elizabeth when they’re going to go rowing again. With that, Sam perks up, says maybe she should consider therapy after all and asks Elizabeth for a card. Sam pockets Elizabeth’s card and wonders aloud about Elizabeth’s rower’s arms. Sam is nothing if not subtle. Elizabeth wanders off to find a good seat for the screening.

Jen hears someone calling her name. It’s Sienna, her ex. And speaking of therapy, Sienna left Jen for their couples therapist over a year ago, yet some ninny invited her here tonight. That ninny’s name? Kris.

Kris waves obliviously at Jen and Sienna. If Kris had her way, the world would be a place where there were no unwanted pets, love was bountiful, and everyone walked around with their pockets full of rainbows. Sienna smiles like she never screwed Jen with her pants on, and Jen rewards her with an awkward hug and a “happy to have ya.” Sam makes a disgusted face and wants nothing to do with Sienna, so she goes over to stand with the ChKrisses.

After Jen joins the rest of the girls, Sam lets her have it. “Happy to have ya?” she repeats sarcastically. Jen says she was just being polite, but Sam thinks the best way to greet an ex who cheated on you is with a swift kick to the shins.

Sam reminds Jen she wasn’t exactly at the head of the line when they were giving out backbones. Case in point: It took Jen three weeks to tell Sienna that being late to their anniversary dinner was no way to say “I love you.” Jen says, “It’s not like I hold back all the time.” Chris lets out a snort.

Inside the theater, the girls are trying to enjoy Jen’s new film, but frankly it’s a snoozer of epic proportions. Chris looks confused. Sam checks her cell phone, praying for a call from someone, anyone. Crutch puts the time to good use, resting her head on the girl next to her and taking a nap. When the lights come up, the audience emerges from the theater drowsy and bewildered. That’s two hours of their lives they’ll never get back. Jen can’t bear to watch people watching the film, so she waits in the lobby, chatting on her cell with Lauren, who couldn’t make the screening because she was busy counting her money.

Giddy with anticipation, Jen asks the girls what they thought.

Sam: Jen, you … you’ve done something special. You have made sex … boring. Chris: It was kind of like a PBS thing. It was better when you described it. Crutch: Yeah. I tried. I fell asleep.

Even Kris, forever the optimist, has nothing to add. It’s that bad. Jen decides she has to do something different right away.

A fork in the road –Jen is ready for a new attitude. She dons her sexiest sweats and goes to redeem her coupon for a free pole-dancing class. The instructor asks for volunteers to attempt to get their pole spin on. Crickets.

Cut to Jen standing outside in the snow. There’s a yellow street sign that reads, “The Fork in the Road.” At her feet, a dinner fork is stuck in the snow. Jen pulls it out, Excalibur-like, looks at it and says: “Hmm. I always thought it would be bigger.” That’s my favorite scene. Back at So You Wanna Be a Pole Dancer Dance School, everyone’s arms are still paralyzed. After a long time, Jen slowly raises her hand sheepishly. Atta girl.

Over at the Chris and Kris house, the couple sits together and unpacks some Just for Doggies inventory. Chris grabs a leash and points to the model on its plastic package. There’s the father of their child. But she doesn’t mean the actual model; she means someone who’s like him.

Chris: Totally into being a dad and fun. Kris: Well, we don’t want totally into being a dad. Chris: OK. Sometimes into being a dad. And fun. Kris: And smart.

Chris: And a good dancer. Kris: And cute. Chris: But not too cute. Oh.

Is there such a thing as “too cute”? I respectfully submit, the answer is hell no. In unison: And gotta love animals.

Kris: ‘K. A fun, smart, cute guy who totally loves animals and is a good dancer? In unison: Gay man.

Could you stop talking as one person? It freaks me out when couples do that.

A doctor’s appointment –Sam makes a phony appointment to get her head shrunk, so she can lie on a couch and flirt with Elizabeth for an hour. It’s an expensive way to get a woman to go to dinner with you, but you have to admire Sam’s commitment.

She arrives at the doctor’s office and starts to check her lipstick when she’s interrupted by a bald man who introduces himself as Dr. Harrison. He leads her into his office.

Sam remains standing and says there’s been a mistake, because her appointment was with the woman with more hair, better teeth and nicer breasts. Dr. Harrison explains that Elizabeth didn’t feel it was appropriate to work with Sam herself. Sam wanted inappropriate therapy, so this is not working out as she had hoped. And furthermore, she doesn’t like getting pawned off on a not-hot stranger with a penis. Sam says, “Have a nice day,” and opens the door to leave. Sly Dr. Harrison says he has nothing to do for the hour and why not just stay and chat. Sam says she doesn’t need “therapizing.”

Dr. Harrison: I sense you’re uncomfortable.

Sam: [grinning and closing the door] See, that is what you guys do. You know? And, um, now you’re going to try to get me to talk about my feelings and what I’m really upset about and doesn’t my father love me. Nuh uh. I might have been born yesterday, but not last night, ya know? Dr. Harrison: What is it that makes you think your father doesn’t love you? Sam: Who said that? Dr. Harrison: You did.

Gotcha. Sam’s tough exterior cracks just a little.

Sam: I love my father, and my mother. They only had me for 18 years. So, everything after that, whatever happened, whatever I’m feeling, that’s all me. OK? So don’t just sit there, thinking you’re so smart.

Sam storms out. Dr. Harrison just sits there, thinking he’s so smart.

A New Jen –There’s a new Jen in town. Maybe it’s the pole dancing or maybe it’s the countless hours of sex footage she had to watch over and over, but Jen has turned into a little sex tiger. She’s in bed with Lauren and displaying her newfound sense of raarr. Lauren doesn’t know where it’s coming from, but she’s not complaining. She likes the new Jen. A lot. Between kisses, Jen tells Lauren she’s done channeling her inner pole dancer because the next class will have an audience, and who needs that kind of pressure? Lauren calls Jen a chicken and wonders, if she can’t express herself in front of strangers, how can she do it in front of friends?

That’s crazy, backwards logic. It’s easy to express yourself when you’re with your friends. It’s quite a different thing to get up in front of a bunch of faces you’ve never seen before and do anything other than stare into the spotlight until you’ve burned your corneas out.

Lauren offers to lend a familiar face to the event. Happily surprised, Jen showers her with more kisses and giggles. How nice and altogether unSienna-like. A supportive lover. What a concept.

Right in the middle of things, Lauren’s cell rings. Assuming she’ll let it go to voicemail, Jen doesn’t climb off Lauren. But as much as Lauren likes Jen, she likes business more. She pushes Jen aside and gets up to find a pen. Life’s a series of ebbs and flows, Jen, honey.

A role model –Hanging together for an evening of coffee klatching, Crutch tells the gang about her number one (and only) fan, Tatum O’Neal, who also might be gay. Overnight, Crutch goes from being the group’s kid sister to lesbian role model and elder stateswoman to baby butches who can’t drive yet. Chris: Tell her she’s lucky to be figuring it out in Seattle. Back in Ohio, it’s not so easy being a big ol’ dyke and 16. Tell your friend not to pretend. Kris: Tell her labels are for soup cans.

Jen: Tell her it doesn’t matter how long it takes her to figure it out. Sam: Tell her to make sure her parents are being honest about their reaction.

It’s good to see everyone’s brought their baggage with them. Lord knows we hate to travel light.

Crutch suggests they talk to Tatum for her, but Jen says she probably wants to hear it from Crutch. Preferably in song. Crutch as a role model? Weird. If this continues, young lesbians everywhere will consider living in a storage closet a rite of passage.

Model Dad –Chris and Kris go to see their favorite guy in the whole wide world, Dr. Bob, their veterinarian. He’s happy to see them because, thanks to all their animals, he’s got a new boat and, possibly, hair plugs. Today, they don’t have any furry souls that need shots and a nail trim. They invite Dr. Bob over for brunch. He’s speechless.

At the Beev, Seattle’s newest rock star is giving a private performance to Tatum, the lesbi-tot. I think she read my mind because she is dispensing advice in a song.

Crutch: Just be who you are and it’ll be OK. No matter what you are, whether you are straight or gay. Just be who you are and it’ll be OK. Emmy looks on, her three-sizes-too-small Grinch heart growing one size with each verse. Tatum smiles and says thanks and goes off to school, or a play date, or wherever it is children go. Emmy compliments Crutch on a sweet song and helping the young girls of the world find the lesbian within.

Crutch tells Emmy she’s finally moving out of the back room because she has a consulting check in the bank. Emmy admits it hasn’t been horrible. Especially never having to open or close the cafĂ© all these past weeks.

A pole lotta nerve –It’s Jen’s big night at pole-dancing class. Lauren’s not there, but Sam is, natch. Sam’s a good friend. They sit together and watch a student in shorts and ballet slippers do some advanced moves. Jen tells Sam, “She’s our valedictorian.”

Sam asks Jen how she’s feeling. Jen feels exposed. Sam replies: “You want to talk exposed? I went to therapy to get a date with Elizabeth and I got actual therapy.” Hate when that happens.

When it’s Jen’s turn, she’s not mentally ready. She’s halfway out the door to get some water. At home. The instructor announces her name, and there’s no turning back. Sam claps enthusiastically as Jen goes up to the pole. She begins her routine with an awkward spin that lands her on her ass with a thud. This just won’t do.

Jen escapes into a fantasy where she’s wearing a black boa thing and has Sally Bowles hair. She’s dancing with abandon as confetti falls all around her. Life is a cabaret, old chum. Now get up there and pole-dance like you’ve never pole-danced before! Back in reality, Jen starts over. She does a spin and manages to get around the pole without breaking a bone. With renewed confidence, she does a dance with some interesting moves and a big finale where she introduces the pole to her crotch – while on her hands and knees. Sam can’t believe her eyes, and neither can I. The point is, she does it. Jen sits back down and looks around for Lauren.

Jen: I can’t believe Lauren didn’t show. Sam: Doesn’t matter who saw you. Jen: Actually, it does. Sam: No, it does not. You just put yourself way out there. It was inspiring.

Jen smiles but looks around the room one more time.

A proposal –Chris and Kris are entertaining Dr. Bob. He raves about Kris’ poached pears and then asks why he’s really there. Chris begins by pouring herself a big glass of champagne and says they appreciate how much he’s done for, y’know, the animals. Kris is so nervous, she lets loose a loud Woody Woodpecker laugh.

Chris admits they have ulterior motives.

Chris: What we’ve decided is we want to get pregnant. [takes a big gulp] We think you’re an amazing human being. Kris: You’re everything that we would want in a father. So, we were wondering if you would ever consider being the father to our baby.

Dr. Bob is speechless. Chris and Kris wait expectantly. Dr. Bob brings up the usual questions about legal issues, how much he will be involved and medical histories. He asks which of the ChKrisses would be carrying the child. Kris tells them they want to “take turns.” Take turns? It’s not like sitting on an egg, so I guess they’re planning on having two children. To answer his question, they point to each other and say in unison, “She’s first.”

A discovery – Jen goes to visit Lauren in her office to drop off some papers that were left at her house. After a kiss and a moment go by, Lauren remembers the pole-dancing show. She has an excuse. Her early drinks meeting went long, pushing back a dinner with her partner, which delayed her late drinks meeting. Maybe Lauren is a secret alcoholic.

Lauren wants to take Jen out to dinner to make it up to her, but Jen, newly emboldened with an assertiveness that can only come from pole dancing, starts to tell Lauren how disappointed she is. Just then the office door opens and in walks Ali MacGraw‘s daughter. OK, it’s not Ali MacGraw’s daughter – it’s Jordana Brewster’s sister. OK, it’s neither of those. It’s Monique, Lauren’s girlfriend. Girlfriend. Monique says pleasantly that it’s so nice to finally meet Jen. “I’ve heard all about you,”

she says. Jen looks very confused.

Haltingly, Jen replies, “And yet … I’ve heard nothing about you,” as she looks at Lauren.

Monique looks back and forth between Jen and Lauren, and with a small “ah” leaves the office, closing the door behind her.

Lauren: Something wrong?

Jen: Uh … Lauren: Monique and I have an open relationship. We see other people all the time. Jen: How nice for you. I would have appreciated knowing I was one of those people. Lauren: Come on, Jen. I’ve mentioned my partner on numerous occasions. Jen: In case you need a reminder, we’re lesbians. In this world, a partner can be a life partner or a business partner. You have to clarify.

The “Partner Clarification” Rule pops up on the screen and Jen yells at us, “You have to clarify!” Jen says that because they were sleeping together it’s only natural that she assumed Lauren was talking about a business partner. Lauren coolly asks what’s gotten into her. Jen tells her, “Pole dancing!”

Jen is through being meek and polite and getting walked on. She tells Lauren this whole scene is not OK and that furthermore, she’s an ass. Jen storms out in a justified huff. Jen Butler: Warrior Princess.

A different approach –Sam has tracked Elizabeth down to the bitterly cold water’s edge, where Elizabeth’s about to climb into a skinny boat to row around in a 36 degree river. Unlike Jen, Sam has had lots of practice saying exactly what’s on her mind, and she lets Elizabeth have it.

Sam: Thanks a lot, Elizabeth. I show up for you and get this therapist who is clearly not you. And if you think it is OK to lie and to trick someone like that, then, here, let me tell you, you are the one with issues. Elizabeth: I’ve seen how you go after people, how you were going after me. You needed someone professional to talk to. That is so far beyond presumptuous, I don’t know what to say. Tricking someone into unsolicited therapy might even be illegal in some states.

Sam: So talk to me professionally.

Elizabeth: Ethically I can’t because I know what’s on your mind. Sam: So? Elizabeth: So … it’s on my mind, too.

Despite entering the early stages of frostbite, Sam’s indignation melts away, leaving her looking at Elizabeth almost bashfully. She wants to start over and get it right this time. She introduces herself. Elizabeth introduces herself. Sam asks Elizabeth in a formal, sincere tone if she would like to have dinner with her. We fade to black before Elizabeth, whose mouth has frozen shut, can answer.

Next week on Exes & Ohs: Jen tries on surly just in time for Sienna’s return. All of Kris’ eggs are sunny side up. Sam does some home repairs on her new place while Crutch goes to church.

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