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“A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila” Recaps: Episode 1.5 “I Always Get What I Want”

There’s got to be a morning after – Somehow after Ashley’s bloody “rampage” the night before, the remaining contestants were able to calm down and get some shut-eye. (And I’m sure it was without the aid of booze or pharmaceuticals.) The camera pans across the slumbering bodies in the big bed of depravity, and I am suddenly reminded of another reason why I would never be on a reality TV show: I might be filmed sleeping. In this episode, the camera crew is playing nice and staying away from anyone who might be drooling or snoring or working on a really tragic case of bed head. For now.

Bobby is sleepless in Sodom. After getting attacked by the crazy hillbilly the night before, he is contemplative. He tells us that he is fine and that the trip to the hospital was a blessing because it provided him with some valuable one-on-one time with Tila. When life gives you lemons…

Ryan’s looking on the bright side too.

Ryan: After Ashley put on his little psycho show, everyone was just drained. I took it upon myself to raise everyone’s spirits.

Mimosas for all? Maybe whip up some pancakes? No. It’s Ryan, you see. Cut to him pulling out one of those hideous air horns and blasting it at all of the sleeping beauties. He just keeps giving me new reasons to hate him.

Vanessa agrees.

Vanessa: Waking up this morning was like waking up in a terrible, disgusting frat house. I hate men.

Yikes! I thought Vanessa was a lesbian – I’ve only ever heard straight women say that before!

I get a whiff of Rebecca-vibe from her, so we’ll see. As far as I’m concerned, she could just as easily wind up “massaging” Steven under the sheets as she could holding a pillow over his head and suffocating him. Or Ryan, for that matter. Actually, yeah, I want her to start suffocating Ryan.

Working at the car wash – The contestants head downstairs and get their new message from Tila. She tells them that things have gotten dirty around the compound and they are all going to clean things up – while wearing the puffy pink and blue undergarments displayed there for them.

The skimpy little nothings look like they’re made of marshmallow, and I can’t help but wonder, “What is Dani thinking right now?” I imagine her snatching one of the blue boy thongs from the hands of Domenico or Michael (she could easily whup of either of them, right?) and marching out to Tila in full gender-rebel regalia. Then she could really lick some pie!

Tila tells us that the contestants must clean off two mud-encrusted Hummers using their spongy undies, and whoever does it the fastest and the most creatively will win. What will they win? Hmm, could it possibly be more time with Tila?

The contestants march outside (to the strains of “The Final Countdown” no less), where Tila sits perched like an adorably trampy little bird atop a towering chair. She tells them that they will be divided into two teams, then she inexplicably names Michael and Domenico the captains and charges them with choosing their teammates “playground style.” These words make Vanessa jump up and down with excitement, which tells me that she was never fat or unpopular. She tells us that back in the day, she was always the captain – and then she details her harsh style of accepting or rejecting her teammates. What a bitch. I hope she is chosen last.

In addition to wearing their wee little marshmallow bikinis, most of the girls are wearing sensible car-washing footwear, such as white go-go boots (Ashli) and black stiletto heels (Vanessa). Except for Dani. She is wearing flip flops and has – like the guys – strapped her pink uniform on top of her existing boy shorts. She’s an inspiration to bisexual model-chasing butch girls everywhere.

The guys, naturally, choose each other first. And when it’s only women left, Domenico chooses Dani. One by one, the women take their sides, until only Vanessa remains.

The skeeze stands alone.

Vanessa mopes over to Domenico’s team. Tila tells them all that the winners of the challenge will enjoy a spa day with her, while the losers will be forced to camp out (instead of sleeping indoors) that night.

Rub you the right way – “Creative” means different things to different people. To Steven, it means grabbing Vanessa from behind, wrapping his man-arms around her chest and rubbing her body all over the filthy vehicle. And yes, she lets him. To Domenico, it means strapping himself to one of the Hummer’s tires and letting loose with some nonconsensual (for the Hummer) frottage.

Brandi tells us, “Maybe Domenico enjoys the car wash because that’s the only Hummer he’s going to get.”

Amanda tells us, as she looks in to the camera with a slightly crazed expression, “It’s on!” Cut to her rubbing her ample bosom all over the windshield of her team’s Hummer – and we get the view from inside the cab.

Michael gives us this report from the front: “My team is working in perfect synchronicity. I got Amanda and Ashli using their boobs and ass, I got Bobby using his whole body, and I got Ryan licking the truck.” Not promising, if you remember Ryan’s previous comments about his lack of interest in licking … things.

We get a brief glimpse of Brandi striking a mud-flap girl pose atop the hummer as Dani sprays her down with a hose. It’s your Lesbian Instant Replay Moment of this episode.

When the suds settle, Tila decides that Michael’s team (including Amanda, Bobby, Ashli and Ryan) wins.

Before the winners and losers go their separate ways, they gather inside to argue process.

Brandi is in a heated discussion with Bobby over Ashli and Tila. Why? I don’t know. After the trouble her yapping got her into last week, you think she’d be keeping quiet right about now.

Brand is telling him how much she admires Ashli because she wants to figure out who she is before she “gives it up” (she punctuates this comment with a heartfelt pelvic thrust). Ashli enters the room and Bobby asks her, “You said you’re a lesbian, right?” Ashli replies, “Yes, I’m a lesbian.” Bobby asks, “You don’t like men, right?” Ashli answers, “I don’t like men.” Seems pretty clear to me.

“She’s a virgin,” Bobby tells Brandi. “She’s never even been with a guy, she doesn’t even know if she likes guys. It’s up in the air.” Then he turns to Ashli and asks, “Why are you even here wasting anyone’s time if you don’t really know what you want?”

It’s official. All of the guys on this show are a-holes.

Need more convincing? Bobby’s still at it, asking her, “How do you know?” Ashli, God love her, snaps back, “How do I know? How do you know if you’re straight? Have you ever slept with a guy?”

It’s a rare and beautiful thing when someone makes the perfect unscripted reply to a question from a homophobic jackass on reality TV. Let’s savor this moment together, shall we?

Keep young and beautiful – Tila arrives with the winners at the Beauty Bar for their VIP spa day. The place is decked out in candles and plush red velvety fabric, the champagne flows freely and the martini glasses overrun with … face cream? The display of the beauty wares makes them look like delicious desserts, and I’m surprised no one accidentally laps them up. (A friend of mine once went to a fancy dinner with her mom and they inadvertently drank the contents of their finger bowls. These things happen.)

Tila and Amanda paint Ashli’s face with one of the creams (it’s the Beauty Bar version of the lesbian-hair-brushing thing), while the guys slurp champagne and get mani-pedis in the next room. Tila is amused by how much they love getting the girl treatment, so she decides to show them the dark – and unnaturally smooth! – underbelly of femininity.

Waxing, anyone? Heh.

Smooth operator – Tila invites Brandi and Ashli to come watch as the guys get waxed. Bobby is the first victim, losing his manly armpit hair to the malevolent skills of the resident aesthetician, before Ryan gets his bikini line stripped. Poor Michael. After armpits and bikini lines, what could possibly be left to torture?

Tila, Amanda and Ashli chant, “Wax that ass! Wax that ass!” as Michael assumes the position. Rrrrrrrrriiiiiiippppp!

Michael tells her, “I’m waxing my ass for you, Tila. I would do anything for a shot at love!”

Is Tila grateful? No. She says with a smirk, “We should do his balls.” Ew. Maybe you should wax his balls. Leave the rest of us out of this!

Ashli looks away from this spectacle, but Amanda whispers to her, “I have to look, because, you know what, I can’t go the rest of my life without seeing balls waxed.” Then she tells us, “I said ‘Ashli, watch this. Because this opportunity isn’t gonna come up ever again.'”

Let’s hope not. And by the way, a chance to win “a shot at love” is an opportunity. Even a one-night stand with a sleazy girl you pick up in a bar is an opportunity – a learning one, if nothing else. But watching Michael get his huevos stripped is not an opportunity. It’s just a really bad idea.

Michael shrieks (though not as loudly as I would have imagined) and Tila giggles, “Look at his balls – it looks like a vagina!” Which makes me wonder two things: 1.) How much is this aesthetician getting paid? And 2.) What kind of vaginas has Tila been looking at?

For their trouble, the winners get some individual alone time with Tila. First up is Bobby. Tila puzzles him with the question, “So, do you like it when I’m more like a lady or when I’m manning it up?” Bobby stumbles over his answers and makes absolutely no sense before settling on a noncommittal, “I love the way you are.” He’s confused because knows that there must be a “right” answer to Tila’s question, and he wants to give it to her more than he wants to give her his own opinion.

I’m confused because I have yet to see Tila “manning it up” at all. What the hell is she talking about? Is she referencing pawing lasciviously at virgin Ashli? Wearing flats? I’m lost.

Next, Tila asks Amanda what kind of girl she thinks Tila is now that she’s gotten to know her, but I’m only half-listening to her inane answer because I’m so distracted by her face. She’s still wearing the remnants of the facial mask applied long ago, and her face now appears to be flaking off in large, gray chunks. I struggle to remember where I’ve seen this before. Was it a horror movie (maybe The Serpent and the Rainbow)? An episode of The X-Files? Does anyone else remember?

Amanda tells her, “You’re totally, like, perfect and hot, with a bangin’ body. And then you’re tough and you talk, like, filthy like I do.”

On to the next. Tila ask Ashli if she had fun at the spa, and as Ashli thoughtfully answers the question, Tila scoops Ashli’s legs up into her tiny little lap and starts to stroke them. Tila is not listening to anything Ashli says. She is distracted by her young, virginal flesh and is singing a little tune to herself in her head. Ashli says a few other things (“You’re strong, you’re independent, you’re a go-getter.”) that Tila doesn’t hear, and Tila replies, “Is it just me, or are you just getting more gorgeous every day?”

Yeah, I like Tila when she’s “manning it up.” Heh.

When it’s Michael’s turn, he tells Tila that he “manned up” for her today. He says “manned up” about three times, just to convince himself (and his naked manhood)

that he’s still macho. His face, however, makes him look like just another reject from the cast of Godspell.

S’more for your money – That night at the crib, Tila welcomes the car-wash losers to join her around the old fire pit out in the backyard, where they’ll be sleeping. Domenico, Steve, Dani, Brandi and Vanessa converge around the s’more fixins, and Brandi scores points for being the first one to care enough to bring Tila one.

This earns her some alone time with our bachelorette, which she uses to tell Tila her sad childhood stories of foster care. (In fairness to Brandi, Tila’s the one who brought it up.) Tila tries to cheer her up about it all, and then they kiss. With no spark. Between the dead reptiles and the tragic youth, Brandi is in danger of Debbie Downer-ing herself right out of this competition.

Domenico is next, and he shows his devotion to Tila by telling her that he hasn’t “touched himself since two months!” Tila replies, without fanfare, that she needs to touch herself “at least nine times a day.” Domenico looks frightened.

Vanessa tells Tila that sometimes people mistakenly think she’s a bitch because she’s so “real,” and that she’s just going to be herself with Tila. Tila tells us that Vanessa is “so sexy.” By the fire, Brandi tells Steven that Vanessa is always acting “tough” and “drunk.” If I were there, I would tell Brandi that it’s not an act.

Steven takes the Brandi approach and tells Tila about growing up with his harsh military dad. When Tila asks what his dad would think of her, Steven gloats, “Oh, he would be so proud of me.” Because she’s smart, Tila laughs and says, “Shut up!”

The best part of this little camping trip is when Dani and Tila get together for some alone time. Tila is all over Dani, practically licking her girly little chops as Dani talks and talks and talks (enough already!) about their “connection.” When they finally kiss, they are both into it, and it is hot. And it’s hot despite the fact that the smartasses over at A Shot at Love cue up a friggin’ Indigo Girls song while they make out.

Yeah, I’ll admit I played that scene over a few times. And I even said, “Dayum!” out loud as I watched Tila claw at Dani’s neck while they were macking on each other. In fact, it was so hot that it wasn’t even ruined by Dani saying, “That was awesome!” when they finally came up for air. She did recover by then saying, “Who says that?” which Tila seemed to find irresistibly charming.

I’m picking Dani right now as one of the final two.

Tila decides to let the losers sleep indoors, and I think they can all thank Dani and her special lesbionic skillz for that privilege.

A course in miracles – Now that they have some down time, the kids decide to have some fun together. Which, of course, means drinking and getting naked. And acting out. Vanessa decides to skinny dip and sexually harass Bobby. He decides that she’s crazy and tells Amanda that Vanessa is making him uncomfortable. He is the Michael Douglas of A Shot at Love.

Brandi and Amanda are as freaked out by Vanessa’s weird (i.e., non-lesbian) behavior as Bobby, and they take turns bitching to the camera about her. Vanessa tells us, “I don’t care if people like me or hate me, just as long as they respect me.” No comment.

Then Brandi makes the mistake of spearheading some sort of slut intervention and gets the other contestants to surround Vanessa as she tells her that she needs to take responsibility for her actions and that she’s acting like “two different people.” (Both of whom are crazy, yes, but they’re different nonetheless.)

It’s all fun and games until somebody throws a drink and starts a fistfight, which is exactly what Vanessa does. At Brandi. And before our very eyes, Brandi transforms from Marianne Williamson into Chyna. Dani springs into action and holds back Brandi from knocking Vanessa’s block off, and I’m worried now that Brandi is going to spiral into some sort of upsetting childhood abuse flashback.

Does that make me codependent?

Margaritaville – By the next morning, tempers have cooled (due in part to the frosty night air enveloping Vanessa, who slept outside in her bikini), and the gang has collectively refocused on their Prime Directive: Win Tila’s heart.

In order to do so, they will have to win the next challenge. Luckily, it involves booze.

Tila invites them to don sombreros and celebrate “Tila de Mayo” with her out in the backyard. Perched in her bird’s nest once again, Tila explains that the two teams – boys versus girls – will compete to see who can successfully deliver her the most margaritas. But before scooping up said margaritas, each contestant will be spun in circles in a jerry-rigged barber chair until they’re dizzy. Only then will they pick up the tray of drinks and attempt to run 50 feet or so with it before placing it on a table.

Domenico and Ashli spin and serve without spilling a drop, followed by Ryan (who loses three drinks) and Vanessa (who loses four). Bobby and Amanda serve their drinks perfectly, and then it’s down to Steven and Dani.

Bobby: We all know that Steven can run fast, he’s an athletic guy. Dani’s a firefighter, she’s an athletic guy – or …”

And by “guy,” he means “he-she.”

Steven gets a head start, but in the final stretch he slams into the table and spills his drinks. Dani, as we have come to expect, masterfully delivers her tray of drinks intact and wins the match for the women.

Amanda: [with a big smile and a thumbs up] And Butch is the one who saved the team, like she always does!

That’s a far cry from the “Ew, gross!” attitude Amanda had toward “Butch” in the first episode, but whatever. People change and grow, even on reality TV!

The guys will not get to see Tila again before elimination, but the women get to celebrate their victory with Tila at her favorite Mexican restaurant.

Dips and salsa – What is it with these women? As soon as they sit down to drink and chat with Tila, somebody (yeah, I know, it was Brandi – again) has to confess all of the drama that unfolded between Bobby and Vanessa the night before.

If Tila looks pissed, well, that’s because she is. After hearing Brandi’s report – and Vanessa’s excuses – Tila tells them, “I find it really odd that you guys are wasting all this time with your dramas with one another. Regardless, you gotta remember that you are making me look like a fool, and I do not get played as a fool.” Vanessa, oblivious to what has just been said, continues to bitch about Bobby until Tila gets snappy about it. She finally shuts her mouth.

That is, until she gets private Tila time, and then she bitches again. Why does she think she can get away with this? She tells us, “Tila is here for me. I’m the prettiest girl. Bobby is going home, and that was my plan.” Insert evil laugh here.

Back at the crib, Tila questions Bobby about what really happened with Vanessa. He tells her that she harassed him and that he thinks she has a drinking problem. Tila tells him that she will consider what he’s said, but Bobby assumes he will be going home anyway.

Say goodbye to Hollywood – This is a very interesting elimination, because “Butch” gets the first key! I told ya her kiss packed a wallop! The next key winners are Ryan, Brandi, Domenico (on the condition that he gets rid of the stupid hat he’s wearing), Amanda and Steven.

The final four are Bobby, Michael, Vanessa and Ashli. Somehow, Vanessa gets the girl key, and Tila’s favorite little rack of lamb is sent packing. In her farewell speech, Ashli sobs to the camera and tell us, “Tila is my first love. And she is my first love lost.”

I had no idea that Ashli was stealth crazy. It’s always the quiet ones.

Next, Michael and his smooth appendages are the next to be dismissed. Guess all that “manning up” earned him only a trip back to the pizza parlor and his mother’s couch. She will be so proud when she sees that Beauty Bar footage. It may just get him downgraded to the cellar. But Michael takes it well and says goodbye to the remaining contestants for the next 10 minutes. Oh, just go home already!

Bobby is spared and will live to chap my ass again for another week. I wonder who will try to beat him up next?

Next time on A Shot at Love: Roaches descend on the crib. Can the locusts be far behind?

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