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“Dante’s Cove” Recaps: Episode 3.2 “Blood Sugar Sex Magik”

There is no magic – You can find most anything at the open-air beach market in Dante’s Cove, with the exception of plus-size fashions, pimple cream or men’s shirts. This afternoon, Tresum Council member and recent arrival Griff is taking his pectorals out for a walk. He strolls by a hunky guy in swimmer’s shorts and eyes the dude’s merchandise.

A few feet away, he spies Grace but almost doesn’t recognize her without her seaweed weave. Griff slides on up to her and asks, his voice a perfect blend of lecherous, soft-spoken cool, “What’s new, pussycat?”

Grace mundanely pulls out a bottle of bug spray and tells him centipedes are what’s new; they’ve taken over her home. Her magic on the fritz since returning to this world, Grace doesn’t have the power to kill bugs dead with a wave of her hand anymore, and she’s now forced to live like the mere mortals who run naked through her house. It’s appalling. It’s an outrage. If I ever see Grace vacuuming, I don’t know what I’ll do.

Griff offers to cast a “riddance spell” with her because his magic is strong, his magic is long and, not to brag, but it’s true what they say about Tresum Council members.

Grace scoffs. His civil servant magic is watered down hooey compared to what she’s used to. Undeterred, Griff switches tactics and invites Grace to spend a day at the beach with him instead. Grace says she’d rather poison bugs and watch them die than collect sea glass with him.

Griff can take a hint. He bids her good day and turns to the next closest prey, a young woman pursuing shell necklaces six feet away. As he fondles the girl’s belly ring and oozes compliments on her, Grace watches with faint disappointment. It’s just as well, as she’s morphing into a housewife and has to get home to do some laundry.

Elsewhere, Grace’s sibling and rival, Diana, is also coming to grips with having lost her powers since Griff excommunicated her from Tresum for chanting without written permission. Sitting in her living room, Diana tries to bring forth some flowers by waving her hand over a vase and repeating, “Blossoms appear,” over and over. The vase remains empty.

Diana believes her powers are truly gone. Unbeknownst to her, Mayim Bialik and a Powerpuff Girl have suddenly found themselves staring at each other in a cornfield somewhere in Nebraska.

There’s a knock on the door. Diana stands up. Nice outfit. She’s going commando under a caftan-type thing with side slits that go all the way up to her last rib. Is it a shirt? Is it a dress? I’m confused. Before Diana can get to the door, Michelle walks in because the door is open. Plus, she’s pushy that way since she’s on a quest for help with her parents’ mauling and the vague whiff of evil that follows her around like poo on her sandals. She implores Diana for some magic.

Michelle: Van told me everything. How I died, how you helped her bring me back. I mean, you’re the reason I’m alive, which … which is why I thought you could help me. Diana: Now’s not a good time. Michelle: Diana, my parents are dead … and Van … all of them. And I know magic was involved. Please help me. There’s no one else I can turn to.
Diana can’t help Michelle. Instead, she sits silently wondering where her drawers have gone.

Why is the kitchen floor all sticky? – At Bro’s House of Detention, it’s business as usual. Bro strolls buck naked across the kitchen, opens the fridge and stands there for a moment. He grabs a cold one – and by that, I mean a beer – and takes a manly swig.

Bro closes the door and is startled by Kevin, who’s standing there with a crazy give-it-to-me-daddy look on his face. Kevin takes a long pull on Bro’s, uh, beer, and looks at him with hunger in his eyes. He drops to his knees. After enjoying the appetizer, Kevin decides he wants the full, hot order, so he spins Bro around and bends him over.

Bro: I feel so exhausted. Kevin: Come on. One more time. Bro: No, Kevin, no. No …
Kevin ignores Bro and flattens him on the kitchen counter. Someone get the Fantastik.

Brit has a way with the ladies – Back at the beach market, Brit and Elena, Dante’s Cove’s newest couple, are strolling hand in hand, perusing the local wares and looking for matching board shorts.

Brit picks up a disturbingly awful Tiki idol necklace and tells Elena to try it on; it’s indigenous art. Elena makes a face and says, “That is not going anywhere near my neck,” and pushes Brit’s hand away. Besides, it’s not indigenous unless they happen to be shopping in a Chinese orphanage.

Elena: Plus, it’s f—ing ugly. Brit: Ugly? It reminds me of you.
Brit. What a catch.

Elena asks if Brit’s ex, Michelle, was an ugly piece of jewelry, too. Aw, don’t be that way, baby. Looking into Elena’s eyes, Brit says she had to shuck a lot of oysters before she found a pearl. Oh, please. Too bad Elena’s lesbionic senses know Brit wants to shuck Michelle into next week. Elena lets it go for now, saying she’s just grateful Brit is a scientist and not a poet. And what a scientist. Brit graduated from the Barbizon School of Modeling and Oceanography.

Diana’s tea party – Meanwhile, Diana pours Michelle a cup of chamomile and expresses her condolences on the deaths of her parents, because that’s all she can do. Sadly, her magic has gone the way of her fashion sense.

Diana explains that bringing Michelle back from the beyond was against Tresum law and now she’s been stripped of her powers and forced to sit on a scratchy couch with no underwear on.

Michelle is scandalized at Council’s cruel and unusual punishment. Ignoring the part where Diana mentions she has about as much magic power as David Blaine, Michelle pulls out a picture of her deceased parents anyway. The girl does not give up.

Michelle: No. Look – my parents. They were slaughtered. They were torn apart. Please. Diana: You have to let them go and live your life … the life that’s a gift … that you weren’t meant to have. Michelle: [insulted] You’d prefer I was dead? Diana: I should never have let Van save you. The consequences have been too dire.
Michelle slips her parents’ picture under the teapot and leaves Diana with a gay bon mot, “I always thought you were the good witch.”

Beachcombing with Grace Neville – With a week’s supply of bug spray in her tote bag, Grace strolls leisurely along the beach at the water’s edge. Griff is nowhere in sight, probably having found twin swimsuit models for a little Tresum-enhanced playtime.

Grace cups her hand to her ear as if listening to the ocean, but she doesn’t hear any mermaids singing. A few yards ahead, she comes across a pile of seaweed. Upon closer inspection of its salty, tangled tendrils, Grace uncovers Marco’s severed hand, still wearing his granny’s mood ring. Touching it, Grace sees a flash of Marco’s last moments as he’s torn to shreds by an unseen beast. She slips his mood ring off his stiff, graying finger (well, he won’t be needing it anymore, will he?) and says aloud: “Oh Marco, whatever were you trying to tell me? I’m listening now.” But since his mouth is nowhere to be found, it’s a little too late for that.

In memory of Marco – Marco’s friends hold his memorial service at H2Eau, because that’s how he would have wanted it: a eulogy with half-price well drinks and popular music.

Dressed in jeans and a funereal yet stylish black vest, Brit places a seashell on a small shrine with Marco’s pictures on it and says solemnly, “Sleep well, my friend.” She takes Elena’s hand and looks at her soulfully. Hilarious.

Clutching a soggy tissue to her breast, Michelle approaches them, and addressing only Brit, says that Marco’s only fault was that he loved too much. Michelle sobs that it’s like losing her family all over again. Yeah, well, then you shouldn’t have disemboweled him with your bare hands, ya nitwit.

Michelle tearfully hugs Brit while Elena looks on uncomfortably.

Elena: So, uh, you and Marco were that close, huh? Michelle: He was like a father to me. [to Brit] It’s good to see you, Brit. Don’t be a stranger.
Michelle gives Brit a kiss on the cheek while she and Elena simultaneously give each other the hairy eyeball. After Michelle wanders off to say a prayer at a teeny-tiny casket containing only an arm, Brit turns to Elena and asks what’s your damage, dude? Elena huffs to her girlfriend that Michelle’s putting on a phony wounded bird act and only Brit’s buying it. Not only does Brit want to buy the bird, she wants the cage and the bird toy accessories.

Across the bar, Toby is mourning the death of his job. He tells Adam and Trevor he should probably start looking for a new gig now that his boss has gone to the big gay dance club in the sky.

Meanwhile, Bro sits with a couple of pieces of man candy, predicting how much classier H2Eau is going to get now that Marco’s farty old ways are history. Just then, Grace comes strolling up to him, looking fierce in a red dress. She does know it’s a funeral, right? Grace pulls Bro away from his himbos to have a serious talk.

Grace: Marco confided in me that he discovered a danger here in the cove; something he described as evil. I didn’t listen at the time … Bro: [growing impatient] And … ? Grace: And now he’s dead. Filleted at the water’s edge. Bro: Marco was a glorified barkeep. The only interest he had in his life was making money from this place. Evil to him was two-for-one drink night. Grace: No. No. His death proves that he was right. It foretells something terrible.
Bicker, bicker, bicker. Even though they hate each others’ guts, Grace and Bro are both from the 1800s. You’d think at least once, they’d share their mutual amazement at modern conveniences like cell phones, hair gel and latex.

Grace implores Bro to work with her to vanquish the coming evil. Bro raises one of his well-teased eyebrows and dismisses her as a manipulative shrew who’d say anything to further an agenda.

Bro grabs Kevin’s baby-soft hand and moves to the front of the room. Standing under a mounted stuffed shark, Bro delivers a self-serving eulogy about what a humanitarian Marco was and oh, by the way, H2Eau is under new management. Effective immediately, pants will be optional. Toby listens in disbelief: Bro is his new boss. He gnashes his perfect teeth, every muscle in his zero-body-fat torso tense with loathing. Grace shakes her head in diva disgust. Kevin stands staring into space like an inflatable party doll, letting Bro pet his hair.

That was the gayest funeral ever.

An act of kindness – Meanwhile, Diana appears to be the only one on the island who wasn’t invited to Marco’s funeral. She’s at home, tidying up after her tea party with Michelle. Picking up a saucer, Diana finds the photo of Michelle’s parents. She stares at it, contemplating.

Photo in hand, Diana takes a walk over to Michelle’s place, wherever that is. Michelle opens the door. Oh. It’s you. She lets Diana into the living room, which is a disaster. Turns out Michelle is a total slob; clothes and assorted crap are strewn everywhere. Michelle tosses a pillow straight onto the floor, clearing a place for them to sit.

Diana apologizes for being cold earlier. She was jonesing for some Tresum and having a bad day. She confides in Michelle that she, too, has lost a parent – her father was murdered. That, and a shared love of fugly fashion, are the things they have in common.

Diana adds that unlike Michelle, she knows who killed her father – but she fails to mention it was her own mother. (It’s a Tresum thing. The mother kills the father. Never mind.) She then offers to do what she can for Michelle, even though her powers are nonexistent. Michelle smiles slyly because she’s planning something, and it isn’t house cleaning.

Just say no to Saint – Over on the windward side of the island, Diana’s sister, Grace, is at home, admiring her new mood ring. She puts it in a tabletop cauldron and attempts a spell.

“My task to see, my task to know. Emerge. Emerge,” she chants while caressing the cauldron with both hands. Nothing happens. After a moment, she says, annoyed, “Bloody hell!” It’s OK, it happens to everyone at some time. Maybe you’re just tired.

Trevor watches from behind a door, but Grace can smell his cocoa butter tanning oil from a mile away and tells him to stop lurking.

Grace: You wanted to watch Grace Neville, the great Tresum witch, work her magic. Sorry to disappoint. The energy in all of Dante’s Cove is in disrepair. Why should I be any different? Trevor: Well, I’m sure you’ll get your mojo back. Grace: I suppose [sighs], but until I do, I’ll need a boost. Are you familiar with starflower? Trevor: You mean Saint? You’d better be careful. That s— will f— you up.
For those of you who missed or blocked out Seasons 1 and 2, Saint is a drug that looks like moss, acts like LSD and grows wild on the island. Adam was particularly fond of it and ended up in Saint Anonymous after staggering around and passing out at H2Eau one too many times. Grace tells Trevor that her sister usually has a stash of Saint, and what are estranged sisters for, if not to share hallucinogens?

Party on – Later that night, H2Eau is packed with club boys and girls who’ve forgotten all about Marco and bump and grind to the new, pulsating beat of Bro’s dance mix.

A bald body builder shimmies up and down on Toby as he tries to cross the dance floor. Adam cuts in and does his own dry humpy dance moves, allowing Toby to go back to bussing tables and delivering mojitos to the lesbians.

Making his way to the edge of the floor, Adam gets smoke blown in his face by two guys smoking Saint doobage right out in the open. If Marco’s body had been found, it would be spinning in its grave, but since all they recovered was his hand, it’s probably giving Bro the finger from inside its little hand coffin.

Adam breathes in the second-hand Saint and instantly overdoses, his eyes rolling back in his head dramatically as he collapses onto the dance floor in a heap. Visions of blood, violence and Marco flash through his mind. He lets out a howl and passes out, his leg twitching like a dog getting its belly rubbed. That’s called acting, people. God only knows how much time has elapsed, but the next thing we know, the club is dark and everyone except Toby is gone. Trevor and countless other shirtless dudes are off somewhere crossing swords, and Brit and Elena are home having a drunken fight over who Brit looked at and for how long.

Adam is still lying on the dance floor exactly where he collapsed, one lone disco light swirling around him. Toby should mention to Adam that people were dancing around his body for three hours, so don’t be alarmed by the shoe prints on your face, but instead, he holds Adam’s head in his lap and asks, “What happened to you?”

Adam explains he breathed in Saint smoke and had some wild visions.

Toby: Sounds like that was a pretty strong trip for some second-hand smoke. Adam: What are you saying? Toby: You’d tell me if you were using again, right? Adam: [getting up off the floor] I’m not using. I don’t want it. Maybe it wants me.
M’kay. And that Brooklyn-style pizza wants me. I get that.

While you were sleeping – In Bro’s bedroom, Kevin can’t sleep. He sneaks into Bro’s foot locker and takes out the Tresum cookbook. Placing his hand on Bro’s chest, Kevin does an incantation as Bro snores: “We become one with spirits locked. I call upon your life alone. Come through my power to join my own.” If Kevin wants a bigger allowance, he should just ask.

Bro bolts upright in bed with his eyes still closed, then falls back down. He might have stopped breathing. He might be dead. Oops.

Kevin puts his ear to Bro’s chest and, not hearing a heart beat, or the ocean, or anything, starts to panic. Why doesn’t Kevin just put his clothes in a baggie and head on back to Toby, his true love?

Instead, Kevin flips frantically through the Tresum book, finds a spell and reads it aloud: “Flow from me, the endless stream, back to the life once taken.” Wrong. Try again. Kevin says, “Flow from me, the endless stream, back to the one forsaken.” Bro sucks in a big breath of air, rolls over and continues to snore. Kevin, crying in relief, puts the book under the bed and crawls into bed, spooning Bro. His is the weirdest case of Stockholm Syndrome I’ve ever seen.

Now under new ownership – The next morning, Bro is none the worse for wear and enjoying the perks of owning his very own gay bar: drinking for free, sexually harassing the bartenders and ordering Toby around.

Bro takes a seat at a table and poses with a bottle of scotch. He arrogantly commands Toby, whom Marco promoted to chef just before he died, to whip up some grilled fennel dish I’ve never heard of.

Toby replies with as much sincerity as he can muster: “My pleasure, sir. Right away.” As Toby walks away, Bro gestures at his back with a hand wave that’s half dismissiveness, half sorcery and all gay.

Toby saunters over to the bar where Adam is recovering from last night’s seizure with a coffee. His eyes narrowed on Bro, Toby mutters that he can’t believe Bro is now his boss and muses that Bro killed Marco just to torture everyone at H2Eau.

Through the powers of Tresum, Bro can hear Toby talking smack on the other side of the room. Bro waves his fingers and chants, “Silence splits your tongue and voice.”

Toby takes a sip of Adam’s coffee, and keeps on talking. Bro’s spell didn’t take. Finally, Toby announces he has to go spit in the fennel now and makes his way toward the kitchen. As he passes Bro, Bro puts a hand on Toby’s stomach and tries again.

Bro: Silence splits your tongue and voice. Toby: [pushing Bro’s hand away] Don’t touch me. Bro: My spell fails you? Why? Toby: You’re trying magic on me? Let’s get one thing straight right now. I may work here, but don’t ever think that you own me. Bro: Who’s protecting you? Toby: [laughs] I don’t need protecting.
Bro is alarmed. He tries to do a little fire spell on the candle in front of him, but no flames arise. Is there such a thing as Tresum Viagra?

What’s happening to me? – Bro runs over to see Diana at the dive shop. He demands to know what’s happening to him. To demonstrate the severity of his condition, he tries in vain to make a heinous hula girl lamp dance. Diana blames it all on Griff, that meddlesome Council jerk with the cornrows and the come-ons. Bro storms out.

Bro finds Griff strolling along the beach, trawling for babes. He confronts him and demands to have his powers restored. Griff tells him he has no issues with him, but Bro persists and pushes him. Griff grabs Bro and together, they execute a lift-and-carry worthy of the Ice Capades.

Griff: You do not f— with a representative from the Tresum Council. My business is with Diana and Diana alone. So are we good? Bro: [gasping for air] Yes. Griff: That’s what I like to hear. I’d rather have you as a friend, Ambrosius. Accept this as a show of good faith.
Griff places his hands on Bro’s chest and gives him one of his signature Tresum Nipple Rubs. Bro feels an orgasmic rush and falls into the sand. Thank you sir, may I please have another?

Need a workout partner? – Bro follows Griff to a meat-filled locker room where Dante’s Cove’s finest upstanding citizens are walking around showing off their civic pride. Griff tells Bro the fastest way to power up is to have sweaty throw-downs with as many hard bodies as possible – being monogamous with Kevin is sapping him of his mojo. Tresum thrives on sexual energy.

Griff drops his shorts and gives Bro an eyeful of Tresum’s long and rich history. Leaving Bro to marinate on his words, Griff swaggers off in search of intellectual conversation in the steam room.

Tea time – Meanwhile, at Diana’s house, Michelle and Diana sit fully clothed on the couch, sifting through old scrolls of early Tresum writings and drinking tea. The scrolls might hold clues to Michelle’s parents’ murder. Together, they will do whatever research is necessary.

Diana says her sister would have a cow if she knew the scrolls were in her possession. Diana can’t wait for Grace’s misguided ways to blow up in her face.

Michelle looks into Diana’s eyes and laughs delightedly, “You’re so wicked.” And then adds, “and beautiful,” as the smile fades from her face. She touches Diana’s hair and kisses her on the lips. Diana lets out a small gasp and kisses Michelle back. Frontal nudity may be foreplay for some guys, but nothing turns lesbians on like being study buddies. Diana shyly breaks the kiss off and, using the excuse of retrieving more Tresum documents, leaves the room to shave her legs and gargle.

Alone in the living room, Michelle pulls out a pocket knife. She slices her hand, draws some blood and lets it drip into both the teapot and Diana’s cup.

When Diana returns, she warns Michelle they have a full day of work ahead of them. Michelle tells her she can stay all night. Uh huh.

Before they can continue researching the female body, they’re interrupted by a knock at the door. It’s Grace coming to get hooked up with some starflower, or Saint as it’s known on the streets.

Diana tells her little love bunny Michelle to hide in the kitchen while she gets rid of her sister. Michelle stands at the doorway, eavesdropping as Diana opens the door.

Grace: I need your starflower. Diana: Yours is crumbled from age, apparently? Grace: Do you have any or not? Diana: Hmm. I’m all out. You’ll have to make the trek out to the spring. If you hurry, you’ll make it by nightfall.
Upon hearing that little tip, Michelle takes off out the back door while Grace and Diana continue their squabble.

Grace warns her sister that something wicked this way comes. Dante’s Cove is in terrible danger. Why will no one believe her? Diana points to the front entrance; the international sign for “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.” Grace leaves to catch the next shuttle bus to the spring. She really needs to buy a car.

Laughing that the hag is gone, Diana calls for Michelle to come out so they can get busy, but her hot young admirer is halfway to the spring herself, leaving Diana with a cold pot of tea and needlessly smooth legs.

Diana downs the contents of her teacup, and tasting the familiar flavor of iron, makes a knowing face.

Hours later, Michelle has arrived at the spring. It’s dark now and Grace is nowhere in sight. Like the night she killed Marco, Michelle has transformed once again into the creature with the crazy eyes. She tears wildly at the starflower vines that crisscross the rocks.

What’s cooking? – Adam pays a visit in the kitchen at H2Eau, where he finds Toby chopping vegetables. Bro swings by and reminds Adam of H2Eau’s dress code. And by “dress code” he means take that shirt off right now and show me your man nipples.

Bro puts an arm around Adam’s shoulder and starts tracing creepy figure eights across Adam’s ripped torso with his other hand. He invites Toby to meet H2Eau’s newest bartender. I invite Bro to meet a thing called a harassment lawsuit. Toby is speechless. All their lives, Adam’s been a lazy rich kid who never worked a day in his beautiful, spoiled life. Toby demands to know what Bro’s hold on Adam is: blackmail or black magic? It’s neither.

Bro: Adam came to me looking for a job. I don’t know why and I don’t care why. All I know is if you put those abs behind that bar, people will be falling all over themselves to buy drinks.
Toby’s well-moisturized brow furrows in disapproval at the very idea that someone would make money off someone’s abs.

Bro adds insult to injury and assures Toby that since he’s got Kevin, he’s not trying to get to Adam’s apples. Besides: been there, done that.

Bro leaves Toby to his vegetables and wanders off in search of someone to fondle inappropriately. Toby loses his cool and kills a hapless tomato.

Imagine me and you – While Toby cooks dinner for the H2Eau crowd, Elena and Brit are home eating in. Naked and in bed, waif-thin Elena ties Brit to the headboard and begins nuzzling and kissing her neck and breasts. Elena says playfully, “I know what you need,” as she makes her way south of the border. What Elena doesn’t know is that Brit’s mind is filled with images of Michelle. We are one wrong-name-cried-out-during-sex away from a literal lesbian bed death – Elena would kill her.

Too late – Grace has Trevor drive her out to the spring because her majesty doesn’t do mass transit. When they arrive, they find the starflowers have been decimated.

Grace: No common animal did this. Whatever creature was here knew its target. This was an attack. It knows I’m looking for it. We’re not safe here. Come. Trevor: OK … Wait. Right here. [picks up a tiny twig] Is this enough? Grace: Oh Trevor, well done! You’ve literally found our last sprig of hope.
In the shadows of the night, Michelle watches with her crazy Halloween eyes.

After having amazing sex with a girl not even in the room, Brit dons all her scuba gear and wades into the ocean. Some people just have a cigarette, Brit.

Finally – After H2Eau closes for the night, Adam and Toby walk home together. Adam’s excited and wants to talk about his first night at his first job, but Toby’s in a foul mood and not feeling very chatty.

Toby explains that everything Bro touches becomes polluted. First it was Kevin, then he lost Van. The thought of losing Adam to one of Bro’s insidious schemes is too much to bear. Furthermore, Toby doesn’t understand why Adam’s working in the first place.

Adam reveals the truth. Fed up with paying for their son’s glamorous and feckless lifestyle, Adam’s parents have given the classic Rich Parents Ultimatum: Come home and work for the family business, or you’re cut off. And Adam, needing a job that didn’t require business suits, organizational skills or proficiency in Excel, had no other choice than to work for Satan.

Toby follows Adam into the house and slams the door behind him. He grabs at Adam, but Adam shoves Toby against a pole. They kiss. A potted plant falls over in their ass-grabby enthusiasm. They fall together on the bed. Later, Adam is beaming with happiness. Finally he’s with Toby, his boyhood crush and best friend. And it only took 15 years.

Finger-licking good – Diana hasn’t moved since Michelle left her high and not so dry earlier that afternoon. She’s still sitting in the living room drinking the same tea and now is reading herself a bedtime story from the Tresum scriptures.

Diana: For the fears of the mind are ruled by the ego and the mind ruled by the ego is the vessel of the shadow. The body ruled by the shadow is the vehicle of chaos and the world ruled by chaos is evil unleashed.
Huh?

She dips her finger into her cup and her finger comes up blood-red. As she licks her finger, thunder and lightning brew outside her window. “Oh that’s good,” she says to herself. Diana is a little disgusting.

Back on the beach, Brit is returning from her post-coital scuba dive. She drags a heavy trunk out of the water and onto the sand. It’s all in a night’s work for an oceanographer. Grace has returned home to spark up her starflower. She adds the sprig to her little burning cauldron and begins her “emerge” chant again as she inhales the smoke. She begins to shake violently; a montage of a mayhem flashes before her eyes. There’s a blood-curdling scream.

She says ominously: “They’re here. The House of Shadows … the House of Shadows is here.”

Next time on Dante’s Cove: Grace is convinced that Adam’s visions are prophetic. Brit and Michelle give in to their urges, and Elena’s not happy about it. Griff introduces Bro to the modern all-male orgy. Bro catches Kevin reading a book.

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