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“A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila” Recaps: Episode 1.4 “A Broken Heart”

Sweet forgiveness – After screwing around with Rebecca and not getting eliminated last week, Brandi doesn’t understand how she dodged a bullet. But she is promising to clean up her act and not get involved with “any other girls. Or guys.” Umm … how do you mean that? I guess we’ll have to wait and see if she pulls a Rebecca.

Rebecca’s other partner in crime, Steven, is also happy to have avoided a much deserved boot out the door of Tila’s crib. But rather than play the gratitude angle, he approaches the situation with the same sort of self-satisfied smugness that made me loathe him last week. He deserves to be here, by God, and he’s not going to let anything get in the way of him putting himself “out there.” Unfortunately, he does not mean “out there” as in “out there in the backyard.”

Message in a bottle – The next day, Tila leaves them a new message, inviting the guys to compete against the girls in her first ever “bi-athlon” (get it?).

Ryan doesn’t get it. He tells us: “Even though it says ‘bi-athlon’ on the back of my tank top, there’s no bi in me, at all! Not today, not tomorrow, not yesterday, not anytime in the future.”

Dani wants to know why she didn’t get a gray tank top (instead of that girlie pink one). One of her dippy competitors says, “Because you’re on the girl team.” Dani nods her head earnestly and says, “Right,” as if this had not already occurred to her. Dani says she doesn’t know if she’s stronger, but she thinks that there is definitely some man ass out there that she can whup. Pizza guy Michael makes the same mistake as many a male reality show competitor does when pitted against women. He presumes that his Y-chromosome guarantees him victory.

Oh, Michael. Your ruddy cheeks show that you aren’t even capable of correctly applying sunscreen before a day at the carnival. Do you really think you can outwit a girl – particularly the kinds of girls who religiously moisturize every night before bed?

Now that’s what I call teamwork – The two teams arrive at the bi-athlon site, where they find Tila all dolled up in a naughty referee uniform. Cut to Ashley, who tells us (through half-lidded eyes) in a lust-slurred voice, “She had a little referee outfit on, with her high heels, lookin’ like a zebra I wanna jump on and ride.” Tila explains that the two teams are competing against one another in some sort of obscene obstacle course. Each member must blow up a “tiny Tila doll,” then drag her along with them as they run through tires, dive under “army mesh,” fish around in a sand pit for a necklace, climb an inflatable sliding board. and slide down into a wading pool filled with about a thimbleful of water. The first team whose members fully complete the challenge wins the game and some time in either “heaven” or “hell” with Tila.

Sara has a bad attitude. She tells us that while the guys are doing that weird straight guy thing where they scream really loud at each other as a form of inspiration, the girls are thinking, “We’re gonna lose.” I would so pick her last for my team!

The girls may not know the power of positive thinking, but at least they keep their heads together long enough to decide to make Ashli go first and leave Dani last to clean up. The guys employ a similar strategy, with pizza guy Michael going first and ripped Ryan going last.

Ashli huffs and puffs on her little inflatable Tila, as her teammate Rebecca helpfully screams cheers “Blow, virgin, blow!” That schmuck Steven is, yet again, confident that the girls are no competition, which makes me want to scream, “Lose, tool, lose!”

One by one the guys outrun the women, with the exception of that useless Domenico, who can’t seem to shut up long enough to scale the plastic ladder. As he fumbles, the women make up for lost time.

In the end, the last guy left to run the course is Ryan, and both Brandi and Dani are still waiting to go on the women’s side. As Ryan and Brandi both blow up their dolls, Dani tells us that she hasn’t lost hope: “I’m a competitor, so it’s not over till it’s over.”

Thank God she is going last and not Sara, who would probably just jam one of her piercings into the Tila doll and throw the game.

As the normally lethargic Brandi bounds across the field like a little bunny rabbit all jacked up on speed, Ryan is on all fours in the sandpit, searching for the last necklace. Keep in mind that this is not a delicate little chain we’re talking about; it’s more akin to pimp-wear. The necklace in question is so large and clunky that I’m surprised that no one has knocked their brains out with it as they hurl themselves over the slide.

But somehow Ryan just can’t find it. I hope Tila makes a note of this. If he can’t find this big ass medallion, there’s probably all sorts of other things – smaller, more important things – that he won’t be able to find either. Heh.

Dani tells us: “Ryan’s in the sandbox and I’m like a bull that sees red. There’s nothin’ stopping me. I want to beat this guy.”

And she does.

We are the champions – Just as Dani once proved herself to be the champion pie-eater that we already knew she was, she wins the bi-athlon for the women. Not even a pink uniform could weaken her butch mojo. I have to admit that I take a certain mindless pride in watching Team Skank celebrate their barely deserved victory as the guys glumly look on. But hey, don’t worry about them. At least they get to keep their blow-up dolls!

The women elect to spend their time with Tila in “heaven,” relegating the losing dudes to “hell.” As a believer in the notion that you gotta sin to get saved, I’m thinking this is a bad choice. I’ll take horns over a halo any day.

At first, when my favorite male contestant groans “We lost to girls!” I am pissed. I didn’t think he was one of those guys – he seemed smarter than that. But that is nothing compared to the assessment offered by the ass-hat who lost the match for them.

Ryan: I feel like crap. Losing to a bunch of he-she’s is not something you like to do.
But wait, there’s more jackassery where that came from.
Domenico: It’s not like we’re really competing against girls here. We’re talking about lesbians. Technically, they’re guys.
I wish I could say the same for him.

The devil in disguise – Tila tells the winners to go get “hotted up” and meet her outside. She’s talking about the skimpy little angel outfits she’s provided.

Vanessa twirls around in her white costume (seriously, an angel get-up is a costume on her – and she’s proud of it), dangling herself like a slab of lesbian beef in front of smarmy Steven, who checks out her thong because her angel robe is see-through. The girls pile into a stretch limo and are driven to what looks like the Los Angeles branch of the Epcot Center. Yes, the House O’Heaven is completely white.

Their first stop is an all-white room fully equipped with white piano, white shag rug and an oxygen bar. The house also includes a room with a cage full of white-winged doves. The cage looks like a plastic storage bin, and I want one of the women to remove her hootchy shoes and use the long, spiky heel to punch a hole in it for the little critters. I don’t want to know what it sounds like when doves cry! The tour ends outdoors on a patio decorated with all white furniture and a fancy raw bar spread. The camera pans across miles of beautifully displayed shellfish, and Tila yelps, “Oyster fight!”

I don’t even want to speculate as to what that might mean. (Note to self: resist the urge to make cheap, predictable “pearl-diving” joke. Resist, I say, resist!) As they giggle and swig champagne, Tila wonders, “I wonder what the guys are doing?”

I don’t.

Paging the fluffer – But they show us anyway. The guys are being big crybabies, and the biggest brat of them all is Mr. He-She himself, Ryan.

He, Steven and Michael are standing around shirtless and drowning their lameness in liquor. I love that they will only give them plastic cups. Tila knows when not to break out the good glassware.

Ryan: I’m so mad at myself, I could punch through a wall! Steve: I’ll run the race backwards if we could just have a rematch. Michael: It’s OK. Ryan: It doesn’t make us any less of men.
Maybe not, but this shot makes them look like gay porn extras. (Think about it: The pizza guy is already there!) Thank heaven for little girls – Tila tells them that it’s time for seven minutes in heaven with her. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean that we’ll be following her and the six ladies into a closet to watch them make out. What it does mean is seven minutes of awkward, sexless processing with each of them.

Tila takes Sara aside and the two of them start chatting up a storm. Sara asks what she’s looking for in a girl, and Tila tells her: “Someone who’s not timid. You know, comfortable, crazy – but we still have that balance.”

Sara nods her head, as if to indicate that she’s listening, but then tells Tila that she likes to sit at home with her girlfriend every night (that thud you just heard was the sound of Tila’s face falling) and adds that she initially found Tila intimidating. If there were an eject button attached to Sara’s seat, Tila would push it. Next up is professional virgin Ashli, whom Tila is still – miraculously – handling with care. Tila steals a little peck on the lips from her and makes a big deal out of it. But I’m thinking that if Ashli really is a virgin, then she has done a whole lot of kissing in order to keep it that way. If anything, she should be a make-out champ, and Tila should know that! When their seven minutes are up, Ashli tells her, “I really enjoyed this time together and I hope that we get to learn more about each other.” Thus concludes the preliminary interview for the position of Tila’s sex toy. Please leave a copy of your resume by the raw bar.

Tila seems shocked when Dani strolls up in a white button-down shirt and some khaki pants. Really? Did she think Dani was going to squeeze her biceps into some little negligee? Besides, according to her bio on the MTV website, Dani isn’t femme or butch; she’s both. She’s “futch.” (As scribegrrrl’s girlfriend told me, “If futch is a contraction of ‘fully’ and ‘butch,’ then yeah, she’s futch.”) Dani is still a little shy with her, but Tila seems to find it charming.

Perhaps the woman most excited about the seven minutes with Tila is Brandi. She wants to redeem herself after the kissing debacle of last week. But disaster strikes when she accidentally squashes a lizard with her fetish footwear as she and Tila are walking together.

Tila screams and leaps into Brandi’s arms, and the camera operator repeatedly pans to the poor little dead thing stuck to the sidewalk. Brandi weeps. Tila is completely freaked out and declares that “Heaven is over!” For the sake of the lizard, I hope that she’s wrong.

Hell is for children – Back at the dude ranch, the guys are gearing up for their tour of hell. Ashley says with a straight face: “There was all kinds of mixed emotions thinking about hell. I was just hoping that it was Tila time, and not some [BLEEP] gay stuff.”

Tila shows up in a completely different outfit, one that supports my theory that hell is way more fun than heaven. She’s wearing some skimpy red lingerie, thigh-high black leather boots and a little devil tail, and she’s brandishing a red riding crop with a degree of skill that should make the guys a little nervous. She calls out to them from the foot of the stairs, “Hey losers!” That idiot Domenico tells the other guys, “Hey, she’s calling us.” So much for self-esteem.

Tila marches the losers down to the “SIN” room, where Vanessa fell off the stripper pole last week. They guys look excited for a moment – they liked this room. But Tila opens a secret door and leads them down a spooky hallway to her (gasp!) dungeon. Before she lets them enter “hell,” she makes them put on leather wrist restraints.

Someone please tell me again why the women didn’t choose hell. Sigh. Well, since the guys – and not the women – ended up in the spank tank, I will keep my description of the events that unfolded there fairly brief.

Ashley volunteers his ass for the first of many Tila poundings, and he chokes back screams of agony as she wails on him. In addition to proving that he is a “man,” he also wants Tila to see just how far he’s willing to go for her. He tells us: “She could whip me all she wanted to whip me. Pain is only temporarily, love is forever.” Yikes.

Tila is so angry that he doesn’t give her the satisfaction of begging for mercy that she throws Ashley into a “cage” and shoves a bunch of cake in his face. But he’s in a Tila Trance; he feels no pain.

Tila tickles Domenico, drips candle wax on Ryan (even on his “wee wee,” as Ashley terms it), makes Bobby and Steven hug as she spanks Steven, and puts Michael in the cage and stuffs sausages into his ears. Don’t worry, they were cocktail sausages. He’s fine!

The really scary stuff happens when Tila has her one-on-one time with each of the guys. Ashley, with cake frosting still dripping from his brow in a blood-like manner, declares his devotion and desire to cuddle with Tila. She giggles nervously as she realizes that he’s not just crazy about her, he’s also just plain crazy. Magic fingers – After the heaven and hell bit has been retired for good, Tila regroups the gang in another room for a massage. Her massage(s). Each of the contestants must give her a quick rubdown, and she will pick the two with the best hands to spend even more quality time with her.

I’m beginning to think that the rewards on this show are not just lame, they’re also on the self-indulgent side. “You win … more time with me!” How about cash money? Or maybe a nice bedroom set? Even The Price Is Right would hand out a year’s supply of Rice-A-Roni (it’s the San Francisco treat) back in the day! I’m just sayin’.

One by one, each of the contestants lays hands on Tila as she relaxes on the massage table. Brandi, desperate to make up for the lizard homicide that ruined her last date with Tila, is going to pull out all the stops – and she’s lucky that she has her massage school education to give her an edge. Domenico basically squeezes Tila’s butt for a while, then kisses it, but the rest of them give unremarkable massages that range from sleazy to snoozy. The only thing even remotely interesting about watching Tila get a bunch of massages (it’s kinda like watching someone else eat a big slice of pizza – what’s in it for me?) is watching two of the contestants get jealous and freak out at the sight of other people massaging their Tila.

Ashley gets that crazy hillbilly glint in his eyes as the dudes rub Tila down, while Amanda bursts into tears and complains to smarmy Steven about how hard it is to see other people touch her one true love. Steven pretends to comfort her, his non-competition.

Now they are starting to freak me out. Did anyone do background checks on these people?

After everyone has had their paws on Tila, she decides that Brandi and Ryan are the most dexterous of her potential lovers. I am actually kind of happy for Brandi, until I see that her “alone” time with Tila will be spent in a hot tub with Ryan.

I don’t know why Ryan agrees to bathe with a he-she (he-she-itis might be contagious!) like Brandi, but he does, and the three of them make some stilted conversation before Brandi asks Tila if she would be “offended” if she kissed her. Gong. Don’t ask, Brandi, just do it. It’s a lukewarm smooch at best, which just opens the door for Ryan to say, “OK, now it’s time to show her how a man kisses.” With that, he grabs Tila and shoves his tongue down her throat. It looks pretty sloppy to me, but at least he didn’t ask permission first!

A streetcar named Restraining Order – At the end of the night, Tila must make the tough decision about who to cut.

As she sits up in her room wearing a tiny little dress and looking at photos of the contestants, I can’t help but think, “Wow, she looks really cute in clothes!” I don’t think I’ve ever seen her in anything that wasn’t swimwear or fantasy fashion, so her dress looks simultaneously prim and hot. How does she do that? Is it because she is “a bisexual”? When Tila walks downstairs to make the cut, she’s greeted by a sea of worried faces. They all look like they’re about to barf from the tension. Exotic dancer Vanessa is wearing a T-shirt that reads, “My friend is a slut!” and has an arrow pointing to anyone who has the misfortune to be standing beside her. In this case, it’s Ashli the virgin. Totally false advertising!

One by one, Tila calls out the contestants who have made the cut until only Ashley (whose eyes are bugging out of his head) and Sara are left without keys. Clearly, Sara is too vanilla for Tila, and Ashley needs to spend some time at the nervous hospital because he has flipped his wig. When he learns that he’s been cut, he goes around the room telling Tila why all the other contestants suck. Bobby makes the mistake of rolling his eyes or saying something under his breath (like, oh, I don’t know, “bulls—!”) and Ashley goes off. He was just looking for a reason to pop his cork again, and Bobby hand-delivered it. It takes a handful of contestants (including Vanessa) and camera crew to peel Ashley off Bobby, and when they finally do, he is tossed out the door unceremoniously. Then he stomps around on the front porch like a wild boar, pounding on the door, knocking over plants and screaming “Tila!” Brando-style. All of the contestants – male and female – inside the house look terrified. And so does Tila, who should at least be congratulating herself for having good judgment.

Suddenly, they notice that Bobby is missing. At first, I think he has gone outside (in addition to screaming for Tila, Ashley has also been calling for Bobby) to continue brawling. But no, he’s crawled off somewhere to die. Apparently, Ashley got a piece of him after all, so they call 911.

As they load him into the ambulance, Tila climbs in to ride with him. He looks fine to me (a busted lip, maybe?) but Tila grabs his hand and tells us that seeing him hurt like that makes her realize how much she cares for him. It makes me realize how much I wish Ashley had kicked Ryan and/or Domenico’s ass instead. Next week on A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila: Vanessa follows Ashley’s lead and flips her wig, and the contestants wax on and wax off – in a dirty way.

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