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“Bad Girls” Recaps: Episode 3.09 “Common Criminal”

THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:

The princess: A newbie arrives, bringing her posh attitude (and wardrobe) with her.

The psycho: Di plots against Crystal.

The prisoners: The audience, in the absence of Helen and Nikki.

A dark morning or night or something – There’s that newbie truck again. This time someone is watching from afar as the truck rolls through the Larkhall gate. What’s so interesting?

She is, I guess: I have no idea who she is, but she’s definitely not dressed for the slammer. Her pointy-toed shoes are useless as she stands in the water (it’s raining; it’s England) and stares up at her new home.

Inside, there’s another newbie, but this one’s a screw. His name is Mark, and he’s Gina’s boyfriend. Great.

Oh, it seems the new posh girl is named Charlotte Myddleton, and she’s not happy with Gina’s attitude. Like everyone else on the planet. Mark tries to reel Gina in, but along with being generally unpleasant, Gina is also jealous of the way Mark is looking at Charlotte. Just what we need: more straight-people drama.

The wing office – Karen announces that Crystal is back in Larkhall, for possessing drugs and for harboring Denny and Shell. Karen asks Di to be Crystal’s personal officer. Isn’t that a bit like asking Bush to be a human rights—preserving guard at Guantanamo?

Karen also explains the Charlotte Myddleton situation: Charlotte’s father is a member of the House of Lords. Better yet, daddy turned his darling in when he found her cocaine.

Karen: She may have problems adjusting.
Just to punctuate that, the scene changes to Charlotte’s cell, where Gina is still being generally unpleasant. Charlotte will be sharing the four-bed dorm with Buki and Shaz, who want to know whether she has “crutched” any “gear” in her “floo box.” I don’t think I can put it any clearer.

Buki and Shaz also ask Charlotte whether she knows Prince William. More important, has she shagged him?

Charlotte: Oh, for God’s sake.
Speaking of God, Crystal shows up to reclaim her bunk. Shaz tries to be friendly, but Crystal’s not very interested. Nor does she want to know much about Buki, but that’s just smart. Mealtime – Yvonne! Hi! Hello to your leather pants, too. Yvonne sits down across from Charlotte Myddleton and advises her to “muck in” rather than keeping her distance. Charlotte just spits out a lot of scathing remarks, most of them aimed at Gina.
Yvonne: [to Charlotte] Trouble is, a way with words ain’t enough in ‘ere. Especially when you walk around like the flamin’ Queen of Sheba.
Whoa, Yvonne’s mullet is out of control:

Yvonne: [walking away] You’re in the jungle now. Charlotte: [snidely] I’ve noticed.
Yvonne spins on her heels and is obviously about to flatten Charlotte for that remark, but Fenner intervenes. Damn. I’ve missed Yvonne; it would be nice to see her mop the floor with someone, just for old times’ sake.

Nighttime – Crystal mops the floor – actually, not metaphorically, and not with anyone, unless you count Di. Officer Barker is leaning against a wall and watching, sort of like a guard and sort of like a psycho. She casually brings up her favorite subject, Josh, pretending she doesn’t know Crystal knows him.

Di: Come to think of it, didn’t you used to have a crush on him?
Crystal plays dumb, but her concern shows on her face a little. Poor Crystal. Di-abolical is a fearsome enemy indeed.

The four-bed dorm – Shaz and Buki are playing cards. Yvonne saunters in. I love the way she just makes herself at home without even saying hello. She rifles around Charlotte’s things and idly fondles her fancy clothes.

Yvonne: I think it’s about time our little princess had a change of image.
Fine, but I’m still saying it’s also about time you got a haircut, Yvonne. The pub – Mark and Gina are having a drink after work. A woman makes small talk with them, presenting herself as a guard at a nearby men’s prison. She happens to be the one who was watching from afar as Charlotte made her grand entrance. I could pretend to hope she’s a thwarted lover or admirer, but we soon find out she’s a reporter with a tape recorder in her pocket. Gina helpfully spills plenty of details, including the names and offenses of Charlotte’s cellmates.

Gimpy takes out the trash – Poor Shaz; she’s still limping. No, wait, why am I feeling sorry for her? She’s picking up rubbish, but the stuff she’s collecting includes Charlotte’s clothes, which seem to have been tossed from a cell window.

Inside, Charlotte freaks out about her lack of threads. She presses the alarm, panicking. Guess who arrives to help? Fenner, who isn’t very impressed with her plight. Yvonne watches from a higher tier, smirking.

At breakfast, Yvonne pretends to congratulate a sweatsuit-clad Charlotte on deciding to dress down a bit instead of lording it over everyone. Charlotte connects the dots and accuses Yvonne of stealing her clothes. Well, she doesn’t come right out and say it.

Charlotte: It was you, wasn’t it? Yvonne: What was? Charlotte: Of course. Yvonne: That’s a bit subtle for me. You’re talking to an animal now, remember.
Oh, how I’ve missed you, Yvonne. But not as much as I’m missing Nikki and Helen in this episode.

Faux sympathy – Di finds a morose Crystal in her cell and pretends to be concerned. Crystal has skipped breakfast and seems to have taken a stupid pill instead: She tells Di that she’s been living with Josh.

Crystal: Only we’re not, like, sleeping together. We’re saving ourselves till we get married.
The look on Di’s face (not to mention the background music) borders on manaic as Crystal expresses her fear that Josh will break off the engagement now that she’s back at Larkhall. He doesn’t even know that yet, though; he’s been away at prison officer training.
Di: I’ll have a think. See what I can come up with.
She looks like she’s been touched by an evil angel, and I’ve just shuddered. No, really: The woman scares me. I’m glad Dominic got out of there before she found a way to capture him and tell him things like, “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again!” Eek.

Crying wolf – Charlotte complains to Karen about how horrible prison life is, especially with Yvonne around. Funny; I’ve been known to say the same thing, substituting the word “awesome” for “horrible.”

Karen: If you have an aversion to prison, it’s a good idea not to do the crime. Charlotte: My father’s gonna hear about this place. Karen: Fine. Most inmates speak to their parents.
Tee hee.

Ah, but now the parents are here, or at least Mum is: Mrs. Myddleton arrives for a visit. Charlotte continues to whine and blame her daddy for just about everything.

Charlotte: I don’t think I can take much more of this.
Me neither, Poshy.

Getting to the bottom of this – Karen interrogates Buki about the clothes-stealing incident. Is this really the high drama of this episode? Who stole Poshy Posh’s clothes? Wow. Maybe when Helen and Nikki aren’t in the episode, it’s a sign that the regular writers were on holiday and the second-string scribblers had to cobble something together in a hurry.

Back in the four-bed dorm, Buki offers to help Charlotte get her clothes back, in exchange for the very shiny ring she’s wearing. That’s our Buki: always so very enterprising.

Yum – Now Karen is interrogating Yvonne, who looks like she’s just come from an audition for Underworld 3. Not that I’m complaining: The woman knows how to wear leather! Yvonne’s not ready to confess anything, so Karen punishes her a little – just enough to piss Yvonne off. Which isn’t a smart thing to do. Yvonne goes right to Buki and Shaz and asks them which one “grassed her out.” Or is that up? I’m not always good with the lingo.

I do know what a “narc” is, though, and that’s what Yvonne calls Charlotte, as well as “stuck-up little tart.” She’s in Charlotte’s cell now, closing the door gently behind her. Next thing you know, Yvonne is slapping Charlotte and threatening to “snap that little brass neck of yours in two.” See? Not somebody you want to piss off. But Charlotte cries, which actually seems to make Yvonne feel bad. Aw. Leather on the outside, but nothing but mush on the inside.

Giving up – Buki has traded Charlotte’s ring for the clothes, but Charlotte thinks Buki will just steal the clothes again, so she gives them right back. Then she looks around her cell and spots a plastic bag. She takes it to the loo. Hmm. Very suspicious.

Barbara: Poor girl. I’ve tried talking to her. Yvonne: Yeah, so has everyone else. If she’s too far up her aristocratic ass to talk back, she can go shag herself.
That’s almost what she’s doing. Rather, she’s offing herself, or trying to. Barbara and Yvonne realize she’s been in the loo a long time, and Yvonne also finds out Buki has been essentially blackmailing Charlotte. Yvonne runs to the loo to find Charlotte in a stall with the plastic bag over her head and a sheet tied around her neck, just for good measure.

Just the other day, I was thinking it had been way too long since we’d had a suicide attempt on G wing. Other message boards and recappers have pointed out that Charlotte was doomed from the start because she was sleeping in the same bunk as Rachel and Zandra (a suicide and a brain tumor victim, respectively). I think pretty much every bed in the place is doomed, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to stay at the luxury hotel that used to be HMP Oxford, the real-life Larkhall. I’ll even sleep in that accursed bunk!

Many happy returns – Karen tells the officers about the incident. Charlotte survived and went to the hospital for a few days, and Yvonne is a hero (in Karen’s eyes, at least) for finding her before it was too late.

Karen also announces the return of Josh Mitchell, this time to official screw duty. Hmm, I guess we still don’t know what he thinks of (or whether he even knows about) his fiancée’s return to Larkhall. But we can see what Di thinks about Josh’s new job. She has the creepiest expression on her face again.

In Charlotte’s cell, Yvonne stops by to try to be a friend. Yes, really.

Yvonne: You gave me a hell of a bloody fright. Charlotte: Sorry. Yvonne: No. I’m sorry. I thought you was as hard as you made out, didn’t I?
Charlotte cries again, mostly about her useless parents. Yvonne holds her while she sobs. I never thought I’d be jealous of Charlotte, but I totally am. For a minute it almost looks like they’re about to kiss, but that’s just my twisted brain twisting things around again. Tattletales – Oh, there’s Buki the entrepreneur again. She’s chatting with that reporter about Charlotte. The reporter has slipped £200 and a camera in a cigarette box, and that’s all the encouragement Buki needs to tell the reporter about the suicide attempt.

Meanwhile, Di tells Crystal that Josh is coming back today, and also encourages her not to let Josh know that Di knows about their romance. This gives me a headache.

The welcome wagons – Shaz and Buki (escorted by an unsmiling Yvonne) give Charlotte her clothes back. And her ring too.

Buki: We’re, like, sorry.
But she’s, like, still going to chat with that reporter every chance she gets.

Meanwhile, the officers welcome Josh to his new job. Across the way, he sees Crystal, and the shock on his face is pretty sad. Not as sad as the look on my face when it’s 33:45 in the episode and Helen’s still nowhere to be seen.

Josh chats with Di about Crystal, pretending he doesn’t really know anything about her. Di says Crystal was caught doing heroin with Denny and Shell. Di, you just completely suck.

Bad business – Charlotte gives Buki the ring again, this time so she can get some drugs. Soon enough, Charlotte is sleeping peacefully – make that passed out – so Buki stages a little cracked-out scene and takes a picture for the papers.

Before you can blink, we’re in the wing office, where Karen is holding a tabloid and ordering a drug test for Charlotte. Then we go to the common area, where Barbara and Charlotte are wondering who’s been talking to the papers. Yvonne’s not wondering at all: She knows it was Buki. And she’s not happy about it. Why does everyone insist on pissing Yvonne off lately? So unwise.

Later, Josh confronts Crystal. She tries to explain how she ended up in the clink again. He’s skeptical at first, but he believes her.

Josh: You make me crazy, yeah? But you wouldn’t lie, so.
Josh is cute when he’s whipped.

Loose threads in tangled webs – Di isn’t exactly happy to hear that Crystal and Josh have made up. Guess that backfired.

But a different diabolical plan seems to be working out: Shaz has received a postcard from her “Auntie Nellie” in Spain. Crystal reads between the lines of the message – particularly the words “Love ya, babe.”

Crystal: That ain’t from no Auntie Nellie. That’s from Denny.
Shaz is thrilled, but Crystal thinks the postmark is fake and Denny’s probably just getting high in a bedsit somewhere. I dunno; I wouldn’t put anything past Shell.

Down the hall, Barbara encourages Charlotte to write her own article for the papers. Charlotte doesn’t understand how she’ll get the word out. Barbara just casts her eyes on Yvonne, who’s nearby, overhearing and grinning.

Pushing on with a new plan – Rebuffed again when she invites Josh for a drink, Di plans to drop by his flat over the weekend. Like you do with co-workers you barely know.

And then – before Crystal can have even one day of bliss and hope – Di administers a drug test for Crystal. Charlotte has to pee in a cup too, not without a fair amount of grousing about the lack of privacy. She tries to get out of it by confessing that she’s done coke in the last 24 hours. Di gets an idea as she stares at Crystal’s urine sample.

Well, look at that – Denny and Shell are drinking on a boat somewhere. There’s a guy on the boat, too, talking in Spanish, but a few words are identifiable: “porn” and “lesbian.” Ugh. But they’re laughing and having fun, and they’re not setting anything or anyone on fire, so I’m happy. Another newspaper – Karen is reading Charlotte’s article to the other officers. It’s well written but not at all kind to the screws. And they can’t even make her out to be an unreliable source: Her drug test came back negative. Crystal’s, however, did not. Everyone’s shocked, except of course for Di. Josh goes right to Crystal, his heart broken.

Josh: I trusted you, Crystal.
Damn you, Di! I would tell you to go to hell, but I’m pretty sure that’s where you came from.

Elsewhere, Fenner finds Charlotte and gives her some bad news: Her father has resigned from the House of Lords and won’t be able to protect her. That’s all ya got, Fenner? You used to make them quake in their boots; now you just annoy them like a smelly little gnat.

Remember when Charlotte said she didn’t think she could take much more of this? That’s how I feel about these Nikki- and Helen-free episodes. Hold me, Yvonne!

NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: Crystal goes on a hunger strike; Helen and Nikki – well, who cares; the point is, they’re actually in the episode!

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