“A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila” Recaps: Episode 1.3 “Under the Covers”

Our house — As the show opens, Tila tells us, "Seventeen guys and girls left, and tonight they’re moving into my crib," and for some reason she sounds genuinely excited about it. Cut to the parking lot where the tenants in question are unloading their bags and randomly high-fiving one another. Well, that’s what Tila’s male suitors are doing anyway.

Lesbian-friendly dancer Alex tells us that he’s looking forward to moving into the house and getting to know Tila better.

Bonehead/wrestler Rob (you know, the one wearing the T-shirt that reads "Free pony rides" with an arrow pointing down to his crotch), who’s a little too lesbian friendly, is stoked about living with a bunch of lesbians because "We both got something in common, we both like p—-, so it’s gonna be awesome." I’m sure that’s exactly the way his female competitors are looking at it.

Upon entering the house, Tila demands that they all turn in the keys they were previously awarded because from this point forward, they will have to "earn" their keys and the right to stay at her crib.

While she says this, the camera cuts to Domenico, who is licking his lips nervously and staring at Tila with disbelief. I am staring at Domenico with disbelief, because I’m pretty sure that he stole his "Vagitarian" T-shirt from one of the female contestants, and I can’t believe someone hasn’t whupped his ass and taken it back yet.

On every reality TV show, there is always a person who tells us, "I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to win!" This is usually a precursor to some pretty bad behavior, the sorts of things that, in the real world, would earn someone the label of "bitch" or "ass." This time, it’s Brandi. Hmm, I wonder what sort of naughtiness we can expect from her in this episode?

Just as in Sodom, where there were surely some city ordinances, at Tila’s crib there are some house rules. The most important one, she tells her tenants, is that there must be "no hooking up when I’m not around."

Domenico is outraged. "The women will have a lot of fun because they can have sex with each other, and we can’t because we’re guys and we’re not gay," he declares. Yes, Tila’s crib is like some crazy opposite world in which lesbianism is a perk, not a liability. Given the infrequency with which this happens in the world, I think Domenico needs to just shut the hell up.

Tila tells them to change into their jammies and meet her upstairs because "We’re having a slumber party! Woo hoo!" Upon hearing this, the guys whoop and holler, and most of the women adopt that pained expression of feigned enthusiasm. They’re only on this show because they don’t enjoy sleepovers with guys!

It gets worse.

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