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“Dante’s Cove” Recaps: Episode 3.1

Previously, on Dante’s Cove A lot’s happened since we last visited Dante’s Cove, the tropical enclave you won’t find on any map. Dante’s Cove inhabitants are as gay as they are beautiful: Everyone is ripped and coiffed and shirtless. In fact, the official tourism slogan is “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem!” Dante’s Cove’s largest export product is cheese. Lots and lots of cheese. Its largest import product is body oil. Because of all these things, hot gay men and women wash up on its shores with fascinating regularity. And once they’ve smelled that intoxicating blend of suntan lotion, hair product and cheese, they’re there to stay.

In case you didn’t watch the first two seasons (I didn’t either), let me set the scene.

Dante’s Cove has a dark and evil history. The year: 1840. Dashing suitor Ambrosius Vallin is engaged to marry a beauty named Grace Neville, despite the fact that he favors the flavor of man meat.

Grace comes from a long line of sorceresses who practice “Tresum,” a supernatural religion based on the ancient powers of nature. Or, as my girlfriend calls it, “cheesum.” Discovering Ambrosius was on the down low, Grace robbed him of his most treasured possession – his looks – and cursed him to spend eternity chained in the basement of her house. Ambrosius was forced to stare at his old, pruney body in a mirror and wait for the one thing that would break Grace’s curse: the kiss of a young man.

Over the next 167 years, things at Dante’s Cove changed. Grace’s home became a hotel. The Hotel Dante became overrun by young, aimless gay men and lesbians with good skin and no jobs. The only thing that didn’t change was Grace herself. In the present day, she remains young, beautiful, powerful and really, really pissed at Ambrosius.

One day (in Season 1), Kevin, a young man from a troubled home, moved to the island to be with his boyfriend, Toby. Swarthy, sensible and sensitive, Toby had a history of taking in strays with lickable abs and saucer-like eyes, so their relationship seemed to be a match made in Abercrombie heaven.

One night, Ambrosius lured Kevin into the hotel basement for a make-out session, using just his mind. Unbeknownst to Grace, Ambrosius spent the last century learning Tresum, because you can only do so many Sudokus before you go insane.

The power of Kevin’s kiss not only freed Ambrosius, it restored his looks and youth. Ambrosius quickly learned the ways of the 21st century, got a driver’s license, stopped talking like a Dickens character and changed his name from Ambrosius to the equally unfortunate “Bro.” Really? Are we really going to have to call this guy “Bro”? I guess it could be worse. If his name had been Deuteronomy, it would now be “Dude.”

Bro’s new raison d’être then became obtaining Kevin for himself at any cost. If he had to resort to using some Tresum, so be it. And if Toby could be destroyed in the process, bonus!

Still with me? Wondering where the girls are? We’re getting there.

Meanwhile, Toby’s Best. Lesbian. Friend. Ever. and the Hotel Dante’s artist-in-residence, Vanessa, was having girl troubles. Van’s lover Michelle wasn’t happy about her fascination with the dark powers of Tresum. Michelle decided she’d be happier with a vanilla girl and a vanilla life and fled to her hometown in Iowa. The only interesting thing about Michelle is her lesbianism.

Eventually, Michelle returned to Dante’s Cove, only to find Van chasing the Tresum dragon more than ever, having become Grace’s apprentice. Not wanting to fight anymore, Van decided to hit the relationship reset button and did a quick mind-erasing spell on Michelle. Having had her slate wiped clean, Tara Michelle had no memory of sharing her bed and menstrual cycle with Willow Van. But instead of starting down a fresh path toward lesbian bliss, Michelle found Van to be an annoying little stalker this time around. Instead, Michelle crushed on the strong, less stalkerish arms of an oceanographer-slash-bartender-slash-scuba diver named Brit. At least Michelle remembered she was gay, so there’s that.

The mind erase didn’t erase everything in Michelle’s head, though. The sight of Van triggered disturbing flashbacks of a life that felt familiar, but she couldn’t remember it fully. Not unlike the ’80s for some of you. The visions slowly drove her over the edge, and she walked into the ocean to end it all — making hers the only fatal case of déjà vu in history. Speaking of drowning, the local surf and dive shop underwent new ownership. Tall and mysterious Diana Childs not only sold Sex Wax and boogie boards by day, but she turned out to be Grace’s estranged and equally powerful sister. Diana has serious sibling rivalry issues, and an agenda of her own. Who do you think hooked Ambrosius up with the Tresum?

The Libra Solstice approached, promising power over time itself. Alliances were formed and schemes were put in motion. Van promised to become Grace’s Aspirant if she helped save Michelle. Kevin promised to be Bro’s Aspirant if he released Toby from a spell-induced zombie trance. Diana promised herself Grace wouldn’t get anything from the Solstice but a bad sunburn. I promised to look up “Aspirant” at some point. Everyone got what they wanted except Grace, who was vaporized into oblivion by her sister. That’s going to leave a mark.

With the addition or expansion of the lesbian characters, this season promises more dyke drama, more girl nudity and, of course, more lesbian spell casting, because some of us are genetically unable to resist anything having to do with ritual.

H2 Oh my — Van is walking alone in the dunes wearing Nancy Sinatra boots and a skirt made out of an old fisherman’s net. She suddenly drops to the sand and starts squirming around like she’s being eaten alive by sand fleas.

Toby bolts upright in his bed, panting and calling Van’s name. It was all a bad dream. Especially that outfit. Outside, the Hotel Dante’s sign lies half-buried in the sand, weather-damaged and covered in seaweed.

Cut to six months later. Kevin is taking an outdoor shower. Bro watches him from behind a tree because it’s fun to role-play the Peeping Tom. Before you can say “Oops, I dropped the soap,” Bro is in there with him. Kevin helps Bro with those hard-to-reach spots and in no time flat, everyone’s clean as a whistle, inside and out.

Bro basks in the afterglow of a shower well-taken, as Kevin gently asks Daddy for a favor. He wants Bro to take him to the grand reopening of H2Eau (the hottest outdoor bar on the island) because he hasn’t been out of the house or put on a pair of pants in weeks. Bro and Kevin engage in the island’s most popular pastime, S&M, as in standing and modeling. Behold Kevin’s jewelry. It’s not only the gayest bracelet on earth, it’s Bro’s magical band of servitude. As long as Kevin wears it, Bro controls his every move. Nothing says “love” like full-time house arrest. Not that you’d want to be seen wearing that thing anyway.

At H2Eau, (taken from the French periodic table), Brit is making out with Elena, a vacationing art gallery owner, as well as former Calvin Klein underwear model and plaything to Angelina and Madonna. Bro swaggers over to the bar where Marco, the owner, is having a drink and complains about the music. He’s done “research” on this whole music thing. Good for you, Myles Standish. Welcome to techno.

Marco says the music is popular, and that’s good enough for him. Bro thinks being popular isn’t good enough. He says, “To succeed, we have to be huge.” Being huge makes you popular and probably successful, too, depending on your definition.

Marco: There’s no “we.” Bro: Really? That’s not what you said when H2Eau washed away in the tsunami. Marco: I asked you for a loan to open the new place. That’s all. A silent partner. Bro: [very sternly] I will be happy to let you run this place. And our arrangement will be our little secret. But I will be here every night looking over your shoulder, and I will be protecting my investment. Now, I’m going to talk to the DJ.
I laughed out loud. Every word out of Bro’s tight, angry mouth is over-enunciated and spat out like a bad aftertaste. Lighten up, bro. I mean Bro. Or Dude. Or whatever you’re calling yourself this year.

And what now? There was a tsunami? That would explain why the Hotel Dante sign looked like the Statue of Liberty in the last scene of Planet of the Apes. The two lesbians, Brit and Elena, have finally come up for air. Brit asks Elena if she can stay a little longer, but Elena balks. She’s already stayed two weeks longer than her original trip. How many vacation days does this chick get?

“I can’t believe it’s only been a month,” Brit says, all googly-eyed. “I feel like I’ve known you forever.” Beep … beep … Hear that? That’s the U-Haul backing up to the building.

Elena wants to keep the good times rolling, too. But she wants Brit to return to the mainland with her, where she has a job, a home and a ton of mail piling up. Brit says she can’t leave Dante’s Cove. As an oceanographer-slash-bartender-slash-scuba diver, she’s researching the Dante’s Cove tides because they’re “totally chaotic,” as they say in the biz. Outside H2Eau, Kevin is wearing a safari jacket but no shirt underneath it, like a gay Brian Fellow. Toby walks up to him in that tentative way exes do. For the past six months, no one’s seen Kevin, and Toby asks if everything’s OK. Kevin lies and says he’s happy with Bro, but seriously, all he’s missing is a black eye and a split lip to complete his transformation into the abused housewife he’s become.

Right on cue, Bro slithers over and starts fondling his trophy boy in front of Toby like the arrogant, controlling, preening Sugar Daddy he is. She’s baaack — A ball of fire is hurtling toward Earth at great speed. It crashes through the atmosphere and smashes into the beach in broad daylight. It’s Grace, face down in the sand, dress torn and seaweed in her hair. That was the Best. Entrance. Ever. She curses her sister Diana’s name under her breath and storms off, head held high. I heart Grace.

Meanwhile, Adam, Toby’s not-really-straight friend from high school, and Trevor, a recent B-school grad with no job and no plan, stand 10 feet apart, tossing a football back and forth. Note to production: If you must use black tape to hide a brand name, at least have the actors turn that side away from the camera. Did you think with all those well-oiled man nipples, no one would notice? Trevor says he saw Toby talking to Kevin last night. Adam says he doesn’t care; Toby’s not his boyfriend. Oh, but Adam cares. Adam’s been pining for Toby since ninth-grade gym class.

Meanwhile, several miles from the beach, Grace is still walking in her stiletto, 5-inch heels that somehow made it back to Earth attached to her feet. A convertible pulls alongside her and offers her a lift.

Grace: Why, thank you. If you might be so kind as to drop me off at the Neville Estate. I’m … Griff: I know who you are, Grace. Grace: And you are? Griff: Name’s Griffin, but call me Griff. [kisses her hand] Grace: Well, Mr. Griffin, what brings you to the island? Griff: It’s a work thing. Grace: Huh. Unusual. Most young men come here to play. Griff: Oh, I’ll do plenty of that, too.
Grace gets in Griff’s car and checks her look in the mirror. She’s a beachcombing mess, but oddly, she’s rocking that seaweed salad in her hair. She asks Griff what line of work is he in? “I’m a representative of the Tresum Council,” he replies. The color drains from Grace’s face.

“I believe I’ll walk!” she says indignantly and gets out of the car. She wants nothing to do with the Tresum Council. Griff explains he’s not there to see her anyway, he’s there to see her sister, Diana.

Grace: My sister is the reason I’m such a mess! She pulled some trick on me last night at the Libra Solstice … Griff: Last night? The Libra Solstice was six months ago. Grace: Six months? Well, that can’t be. You’re telling me six months of my life is missing? How? What did she do? Griff: Dante’s Cove has had a few natural disturbances since then. The tsunami wiped out everything on the leeward side.
That damn tsunami. Griff offers Grace a “cozy” place to stay: his place. But since being humiliated by her then-fiancé, Ambrosius, back when shoes had buttons, Grace has no use for men or love anymore.

Grace says she has another home on the windward side of the island. She haughtily demands that Griff drive her over there.

Drink when you hear “tsunami” — Toby and Adam are sunning their matching pairs of pecs on matching chaise lounges. Apparently, all the shirts on the leeward side of the island were lost in the tsunami.

Toby complains he can’t sleep because of his reoccurring nightmare about Van. Adam says, “There was nothing you could have done to save Van. She musta washed away in the tsunami.” Yup. That’s what musta happened. Most likely.

Adam asks Toby how he’s doing with the Kevin breakup sitch, because it seems like a marginally cheerier subject than “your best friend was washed away in a tsunami.” Toby says he’s glad Kevin is out of his life; being in relationship is a big, fat drag, and not in the fun way that includes show tunes.

Toby takes solace in a nice neck rub from Adam. Just two shirtless men comforting each other in times of need. Eggs, sunny side up, anyone? — Inside the house, Brit and Elena are giving each other good morning kisses in the kitchen. Brit is wearing what might be Underoos. Sexy. Hard to believe Elena would leave that behind when she goes home. Fact is, she can’t quit her. Elena tells Brit she’s made up her mind to stay forever. Beep … beep … Brit’s face is frozen in terror, even though she was the one who asked her to stay. That’s what you get when you talk with your mouth full of girl: a whole lotta backpedaling later.

Elena says something like: “Don’t worry, stupid, I’m not doing this for you. I just love how fresh the fruit is here!” This seems to comfort Brit. To celebrate, they peel their shirts off, shifting the Dante’s Cove male-to-female nipple ratio from the old 5-to-1 (or would it be 10-to-2?) to a slightly more equitable 3-to-1.

Brit kisses Elena all over her chest and stomach, and I should be happy, but for some reason, my eyes are twitching. Brit and Elena. Not hot. You be the judge.

Home sweet home — Griff and Grace arrive at her last remaining undamaged home. He tries to make a play for her, but the house is a mess and she doesn’t feel fresh, so maybe another time. Like, oh, let’s say the day after Never. Grace is not about to start sleeping with the enemy. But she will take a ride from one when her feet hurt.

Grace walks into her house and finds naked lesbians in her kitchen. She screams in surprise. Brit and Elena duck behind the counter. Grace raises her arms in a sweeping gesture and calls out: “Forces of Tresum, protect my home! Vanquish intruders! Interlopers be gone!” One small bowl of fruit falls limply to the floor. She’s shooting blanks. So much has changed in six months.

After a shower and a change of clothes and a much needed re-accessorizing, Grace gathers her intruders and interlopers for a meeting in the living room. She wants to know who the hell told them they could move into her house.

Toby explains they had nowhere to go after the Hotel Dante was destroyed in the tsunami. And since she owned the hotel, they figured they’d crash at her place while she rebuilds it. “It’s not my fault there was a tsunami!” Grace says exasperatedly. These recaps write themselves.

Brit opens her yap about Grace’s obligations as their landlord. Grace sashays over to Brit, gives her the stink eye, and says, “I don’t recall you ever even living at the Dante!” Grace is divalicious.

Toby pacifies her by showing her they’ve been paying rent the whole time. Grace calms down because every girl needs a little pocket money. And hey, it’ll be good to have her apprentice/aspirant, Van, close by. Everyone looks at each other uneasily until Adam Schadenfreude blurts out, “Van’s dead.”

Grace: No … how? Adam: We think she washed away in the tsunami. Grace: Van dead? It hardly seems possible. And the Moon Book. Where is it? Toby: How should I know? Probably destroyed, like everything else.
It’s a lot to digest. Grace decides to let the kids stay. “But put some clothes on!” she scolds and throws a shirt at Adam. Don’t bother, Grace. That’s a losing battle.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it — Elsewhere, Griff is about to take his meeting with Diana at her surf shop. She recognizes him right off and says she’s been expecting the official reprimand from headquarters, so go ahead, Mr. Bureaucrat. Griff reminds Diana she did not restore balance at the Solstice. Diana says what’s an earthquake, tsunami or fire compared to saving Michelle’s life, which, hello, she did? Diana says when the stars align, she’ll fix everything, but Griff tells her to stop “helping.” Every time she tries to fix something, she makes it worse. Like my girlfriend and our leaky faucet.

Griff gives her a cease-and-desist order and storms off.

Over at Deuteronomy’s house, Kevin and Dude are spooning without the covers on. Dude is so tired, he doesn’t hear Kevin get up, pull his pants on, steal keys out of Dude’s pocket and rifle through the trunk at the foot of the bed. Kevin takes the Moon Book out and starts reading the text, even though it’s written in cuneiform or something. It’s quite a feat for someone like Kevin. He starts chanting, “desire move me, desire carry me,” over and over. The incantation takes him to Grace’s house where Toby is taking yet another nap on his favorite chaise lounge.

Kevin: I don’t have much time, I don’t know how long this spell will last. Toby: What spell? Kevin: Listen. I couldn’t tell you this at the club the other night, but it’s this damn bracelet. Bro can tell where I am and who I’m with. Toby: He knows you’re here? Kevin: No, but this is the only way I can be with you right now. I’m working on it. Toby: You told me you were happy …
Kevin asks Toby to wait for him — it won’t be long now — and vanishes.

Sisters — Grace and Diana have a reunion. “What’s it like in cosmic orbit?” Diana asks sarcastically. Good to see you, too, beeyotch. Grace waves an arm at Diana, but no magic comes forth and she just looks silly. Diana mocks her. Magic on the fritz?

Grace says: “Well, you should know all about faulty magic. After all, you’re the one who brought us the tsunami!” She throws a carved coconut at Diana’s head. Oh goody, a cat fight.

Grace and Diana have a little throw-down/bitch-slap. Flat on her back with Diana pinning her to the carpet, Grace spies Griff and tells Diana what old friends they are. She throws Diana off her chest and saunters away. Grace asks Griff why her powers are fubar. He tells her cosmic orbit will do that to ya, but they will eventually return. Too bad patience is not one of Grace’s qualities.

Did no one get the memo? — Later that evening, Toby is out for his nightly shirtless constitutional. He runs smack into Michelle, newly back from the dead or the cosmos or wherever she was. And I mean new. Funny, she doesn’t look anything like the old Michelle. It’s almost as if she’s a totally different person.

“Toby, you gotta help me find Van,” Michelle says, a hint of fear in her voice. Toby looks at her meaningfully. “Michelle, Van’s dead.” Whaaaaa?

What is with Michelle’s skirt? It looks like an ill-fitting, army-issued doily. Wardrobe!

Inside the house, Michelle paces as she recounts how safe she felt back in Iowa, but it didn’t last. Coming home one night, Michelle found the front door wide open. Upstairs, her parents were both dead. Iowa had a tsunami?

Michelle: I went upstairs, and that’s where I found them. They were dead. They had been torn apart by someone, some thing. Whoever killed them was looking for me. Toby: Are you sure?
No, not a tsunami, not this time. A dingo ate her parents.

Michelle tells Toby she knows there are dark powers in play and she was the intended victim. Conveniently forgetting how anti-Tresum she was in the past, Michelle now wants Toby to help her use it to learn who is after her.

Toby never did understand what Van was doing the few times he assisted her. He’s no good to Michelle. He suggests they ask Grace, but Michelle would rather wear that fugly skirt forever than go to that bitch for help. In fact, she doesn’t want to be anywhere near Grace. Toby informs Michelle she’s in Grace’s house. Michelle takes that as her cue to leave. Where exactly she’s going, when there’s no more Hotel Dante — or anything on the leeward side of the island, for that matter — is anyone’s guess. She’s going nowhere.

Under Grace’s roof — Grace runs into Toby in her kitchen. As long as they have to look at each other, Grace asks Toby for dating advice, except she uses the ol’ timey word “courting.” How do you know if someone is interested?

Is Toby really the go-to guy for dating advice? He lost his boyfriend to a guy who talks like John Quincy Adams and calls himself Bro. Toby tells Grace she has to feel the “vibe.” Heh.

Just then, Adam happens by and stops to eavesdrop. He hears Toby talking about the men in his life. Kevin may have been The One, once, but not anymore. And yet … he still dreams about him. Grace notes Toby has been hanging out with “that other one.” The one who doesn’t own any shirts. She means Adam.

Toby says he and Adam are just friends. Adam’s face falls as he listens. He goes back to his room, where Trevor sits on the bed, expecting a sandwich from the kitchen, but Adam never made it that far. Trevor says he’s willing to have something else for lunch instead and pulls on Adam’s belt. They do some bicep curls. This is one bad porn flick. Trevor tells him not to bother holding out for Toby; Toby’s not, eh, coming. Adam also reminds Trevor he’s in recovery and really shouldn’t be in a relationship. Who said anything about a relationship? Trevor drops his shorts. Forget sandwiches. How about this?

Lunch lasts exactly 45 seconds. And Trevor had to serve himself.

An inconvenient truth — Later that night, Marco is locking up H2Eau after another successful night of popular music and watered-down drinks. As he walks home, he runs into Brit, who’s heading into her oceanographer’s lab to do some late night tidal study type things — anything to get away from her new ball and chain, Elena.

Brit invites Marco to come have a look and, having nothing better to do at 2 a.m., he accepts. Inside, Brit explains that as fun as oceanography can be, there aren’t many opportunities to meet babes on the ocean floor. And that’s why she tends bar on the side.

Brit says she’s seeing some nutty things here in Dante’s Cove, and it’s not due to global warming. The tides come and go as they please, unlike anywhere else on earth. Marco suggests it’s mystical. Tresum, perhaps? He shows her a ring his grandmother gave him, which he wears every day. He says it alerts him to “dark energetic disturbances on the spiritual plane.” Marco wears his grandmother’s mood ring. Oh, Marco, honey. No.

A deal — The next morning, Grace returns home to find a hot tub party going on. Two strange guys are relaxing in the outdoor tub just as Trevor returns from the house holding three beers. Busted.

Grace orders everyone out. Trevor’s friends rise up out of the tub, naked as the day they were born. They leave the house without bothering to put their shorts on.

Which brings up something new. Putting gay men and lesbians together on one show is a sketchy endeavor. Some lesbians would be happy to live the rest of their lives not having witnessed that last scene. Which is not to say we have a problem with the phallus. Some of us just prefer them to live in a bedside drawer.

And furthermore, some gay men could do without viewing breasts formed by nature — they like the ones formed by Cybex.

Everyone remain calm.

Trevor offers to help Grace make repairs around her property because (get your shot glasses ready) “that tsunami did some real damage to this place.” She offers him a bonus deal: Be her eyes and ears. Since he’s the one inviting random naked men over, he’ll be watching himself. Over at H2Eau, Michelle is sitting at the bar wearing the ugliest shirt on earth. The malls in Iowa need some updating. Marco barely recognizes her. “You look so different!” he says. Hilarious. Maybe the tsunami tore her old face off?

Marco wants to know why Michelle came back to Dante’s Cove. Michelle doesn’t answer — she furrows her newly perfect eyebrows and hugs him in silence.

Meanwhile, Dude goes surfing, Kevin watches from the shore (because he’s not allowed to go anywhere), and Toby spies on them from behind a tree. And now, back to H2Eau where Michelle is already in progress.

Michelle tells Marco about the dingoes. “That’s horrible,” is all he can say. Michelle cries she needs Van to help her, but Van’s gone out with the tide. Marco assures her that Van’s in “a better place.” Better how? She’s either up a tree, two miles down the coast, in the belly of a shark or halfway to Japan.

Michelle’s still looking for someone to hook her up with a dime bag of Tresum. Marco says his interest in magic is merely academic. Just then, Granny’s mood ring turns black. Whoa. Michelle thinks she’s brought the evil with her from Iowa. The only evil Michelle’s brought with her is that awful top. Marco offers to talk to both Grace and Bro, the only two Tresum practitioners he can think of. Guess no one’s interested in finding Diana, who saved Michelle’s life in the first place by giving the power of the solstice to Van. I can’t believe I’m writing about solstice. Help me.

It this really how gay men act? Really? — Out on a beautiful beach, Adam and Toby are play-boxing. Who does this? Toby doesn’t know either — he stops because he’s not having any fun play-acting scenes from some gay version of Fight Club.

Toby confesses he was spying on Kevin. Toby’s about as intuitive as a box of rocks; he thought Kevin looked happy. Toby decides he’s got to get over Kevin, much to Adam’s secret delight. Adam’s eyes take a walk down Toby’s rippling rippage. Toby doesn’t notice. Like I said. Box of rocks. Over at H2Eau, Griff wanders in and — hey everybody! — he’s wearing a shirt. It’s wide open, exposing his symmetrical, anaconda-like obliques, but still, at least he bothered. Marco hands him a vodka on the rocks. He recognizes Griff as a Tresum Council member, but Griff pretends he’s just a lame-o tourist taking advantage of the post-tsunami discount rates. Marco’s not buying it.

Marco touches Griff’s necklace, and it shocks him. Griff explains if Marco is going to study the aspects of Tresum, he needs to take care, and touches his hand suggestively.

Two seconds later, Griff and Marco are together in the back room. Off comes Griff’s shirt. Well, it was nice while it lasted. Marco gets down on his knees and says a prayer at, er, the Tresum altar. Griff puts his hands on Marco’s head and lets the Tresum do its magic.

When it’s Marco’s turn, Griff gives him a double nurple and the same gift of Tresum because Griff’s not a do-me-and-I-owe-ya-one kinda guy. What color’s your mood ring now, Sparky? Afterward, as he puts his pants back on, Griff smirks: “You’re spoiled now. Regular, non-magic sex is going to feel pretty dull after that.” What if we use a Rabbit and I wear a top hat? Would that be magic or non-magic? I’m just trying to understand.

As soon as Griff leaves, Marco has a vision of a man and a woman. Each are frantically swatting at the air. Each wrestles some unseen thing. The woman screams. Something red splatters against a white wall. It’s Michelle’s parents getting slaughtered. That, or they’re trying to feed a 2-year-old spaghetti.

It this really how lesbians act? Really? — Out on the beach, Michelle runs into Brit and her compressed air tank. She’s either getting ready to go scuba diving or she’s going to make some balloon animals for Dante’s Cove’s homeless children. Oh wait. The only children here are at the gym or getting their backs waxed.

They hug. Brit gives Michelle the once-over and says, “You look great!” She says she thought Michelle was home with her folks. Michelle smiles but doesn’t tell her about the carnage. Just then, Elena shows up. Brit introduces them, failing to mention that she and Michelle once had a little thing, pre-tsunami. Elena doesn’t need any backstory and looks threatened anyway, because she’s a lesbian. After about five seconds, it gets uncomfortable.

Michelle: Oh, well, I don’t want to hold you two up … Elena: No. Michelle: It was great seeing you. Brit: [looking at Michelle’s breasts] You too. Michelle: [to Elena] You take care of my girl. Elena: Oh, yeah. Believe me, I will.
Brit apologizes for the whole “my girl,” thing but Elena claims it’s all good. Elena takes her tank down to the water’s edge while Brit watches Michelle work her way across the sand. Uh huh.

Warnings go unheeded — “Force of the moon, revise. Force of the sun, reverse. Forces of Tresum …” Diana is standing on a rock in the dark with her arms in the air. Griff interrupts her and orders her to stop or she shall be excommunicated. She tells him to go stick his excommunication somewhere — the forces of Tresum come from the sun, moon, stars and green clovers. It’s magically delicious.

Griff does not suffer scoffers lightly. He raises his arms and fires dual beams of Tresum mojo at Diana. She falls to the grass, powerless. Diana starts to bawl like a baby and collapses, face down in the dirt. Back at H2Eau, Marco tries desperately to tell Grace about the dark forces he feels in his mood ring. She says in her best bitchtastic dismissiness, “I don’t have time for the petty problems of little men,” and shrugs him off. Grace sets the bar for all other divas.

Marco calls Bro and gets his machine. He leaves a message: He’s coming over.

Out on the beach, something is following Marco. “I know what you are! Others will know too!” he says. He takes three clumsy steps and falls in the sand. A dark figure descends on him. There’s a scream. Marco is suddenly covered in blood. That was fast. It’s Michelle. Her eyes are crazy. She’s snarling. She smears blood on her face. Midwesterners — what are ya gonna do?

Next time on Dante’s Cove: Grace finally believes Marco’s warning. Michelle and Diana form an unholy bond. Griff encourages Bro to not be such an uptight weirdo. The shirt shipment from the mainland has still not arrived.

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