THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:
The sadist: Shell proves she can be truly evil.
The slimeball: Fenner proceeds with his scheme to discredit Helen.
The sufferer: Hollamby endures cruelty I wouldn’t wish on anyone — not even her.
Ominous music — It’s nighttime. There’s a cab. Hear that music? Isn’t that the same music that played during the far too drawn-out drama of Nikki’s escape? I will always think of those woop-woo-doo-be-doo-woop beats as jailbreak music. Because that’s what they’re signifying now, too: Shell and Denny are getting out of the cab. They offer the driver a middle finger rather than the £9.50 he requests. The whole thing should be fun and exciting, but Shell still scares me a little. OK, a lot.
Bodybag’s bad day — Hollamby and Fenner grumble about the bad news: Shell, Denny and Shaz are definitely missing. (Well, Fenner calls them “Dockley, Blood and Wiley,” which sounds more like a law firm.)
Fenner: You reckon this was all planned in advance?
Ask your buddy the back-alley key duplicator, Fenner. He might have a theory.
Hollamby points out that the documentary team’s van is also gone. It’s like a little “previously on Bad Girls” thingie, but via dialogue rather than a collection of scenes. Cheaper, if less effective.
Reunited — Denny runs into an old friend of hers, Gary (aka “Gaz,” which makes no sense to me as a nickname, but then neither does “Shaz” for “Sharon”). Isn’t it convenient that he’s just hanging out on the street, as if he were waiting for them to pass by? They need a place to crash, but he’s not feeling generous. But then Shell flirts with him, so he gives them his key. Ick. Thanks for undoing years of feminism with the slightest bat of your eyelashes, Shell.
Plenty of planted evidence — Fenner and Gina search Shell’s cell. They find all the evidence Fenner so carefully left in plain sight: the boom mike guy’s business card; Shell’s fabricated diary of Helen’s iniquities; the bar of soap with the key impressions in it.
Speaking of keys, there’s Helen, wearing her leather jacket and jangling her keys. Why is that so unutterably hot?!
Helen, Karen and Simon are on damage control duty.
Simon: The media have already got wind.
Helen: Simon, their escape’s largely down to them in the first place!
Who needs clear antecedents when you have that accent?
Helen says the film crew was a bad idea in the first place, but Simon isn’t interested in hindsight. He is wondering, however, why Fenner (who was in charge at the time) let three inmates escape. Right on cue, Fenner clomps down the stairs, dirty soap bar in hand. Convenient, isn’t it? I think that’s what Helen is thinking. Maybe she’s just thinking, “No amount of soap will ever wash you clean, pig.”
Denny’s mate’s apartment (er, flat) — Shell and Denny are trying on wigs, getting high and watching the tube. They’re thrilled to see themselves described as “dangerous” on the news. Ugh. Denny, I like you so much better when you’re not hanging out with Shell.
Another pair I don’t want to see together — Karen and Jim are walking and strolling. She suggests they keep things professional for a while, until the whole mess blows over. He immediately starts to pout.
Di interrupts to announce that Shaz has turned up at a hospital. Fenner goes from pouting to panicking.
The telltale book — In the wing office, Fenner asks Gina whether she has read Shell’s diary yet. Karen decides she needs a break from Patricia Cornwell anyway and takes the diary home with her. It’s funny to think of Karen reading Cornwell — like she needs more crime and criminals in her life. Or maybe she just likes those back-cover pictures of Pat in her bomber jacket.
Planning another reunion — Gaz is already sick of Denny and Shell (and is worried they’ll bring the police to his house), so he kicks them out. Shell knows exactly where she wants to go next: Bodybag’s house.
Shell looks sort of goth in her black wig, while Denny looks like … hmm, I’m not sure what. Like Denny in a bad red wig? But also kinda cute, somehow.
However, I really don’t like Den when she acts like a juvenile delinquent, giggling as Shell threatens Gary and steals his stash of cash. I guess bad girls are only fun to fantasize about when they’re behind bars, rather than wreaking havoc on the streets.
More damage control — Some representatives of Area Management (doesn’t that sound like something from The X-Files?) don’t understand why Simon gave the film crew access to all areas of the prison. They also question his management generally, which makes me like them.
Us and them — Everyone’s on lockdown, except of course for Babs: She has to make the officers’ tea. She asks Gina why, when the screws screw up, the inmates get punished instead.
Gina: Because you broke the law and we didn’t.
Oh. She has a point. And I kind of like her brattiness, though I don’t trust her a bit.
Who else don’t I trust? Yeah, Fenner — and there he is with Karen, who has read Shell’s diary.
Karen: Doesn’t look good for Helen. Gives the impression her regime was slack, to say the least.
Fenner: [innocently] I never thought she’d risk compromising the wing’s security, though.
Oh, gah. So very vile, that Jim. Just in time, Helen shows up to ask whether there have been any developments. Karen and Jim both play dumb.
And look who else is back: Shaz, on crutches. Fenner quakes in his slimy shoes, worried she’ll point the finger. I live in hope.
Breaking and entering — Shell and Denny watch from across the street as Hollamby and her husband get ready to leave their home for a little jaunt. It seems the Hollambys go shopping in a hearse — Mr. H. is an undertaker. Fitting, right?
Next thing you know, Shell and Den have broken in and are scoping out the place. They try on clothes, bounce on the bed, generally misbehave. They even find handcuffs in the bedroom. Eww!
Shell: Whatever they get up to, I reckon we could be on for a little bit of role reversal.
Whatever that means, it scares me.
Keeping his enemies close — Fenner asks Shaz how she and the other two stooges got the van key. She refuses to answer, but doesn’t threaten him at all, pretty much revealing that she doesn’t know he helped Shell. Oh, Shaz. You’re sweet, but you’re just so dim.
Some other people arrive to question Shaz. And by “people,” I mean “police.”
Hollamby’s house — So, it’s not just that Mr. Hollamby is an undertaker: He does his undertaking in the basement of his own house. Shell and Denny find an empty coffin down there. One of them is fascinated and the other is frightened. I’ll let you guess which is which.
Keeping her cool — The Area Management goons are interrogating Helen now. They wonder whether the lifers unit is such a great thing.
Helen: There’s always someone who doesn’t like change. And, in my experience, not usually for the best of reasons.
Know what I do like? Helen’s “go ahead, make my day” attitude. And I do so for the very best of reasons: the hotness.
The interrogators also wonder whether Helen gets too close to the prisoners.
Helen: I care. Some people don’t like that.
Interrogator: Perhaps you care too much. Is that possible, Miss Stewart?
Helen: I don’t believe it is.
They tell her about Shell’s diary, in which the lifers unit is characterized as lax and careless. Helen takes umbrage.
Helen: I don’t see how you can trust the word of an escaped prisoner. If I was given to conspiracy theories, I might almost begin to think that I was being set up.
The Area Management folks pooh-pooh that, but Helen points out that Shell would have had to send the bar of soap out of the prison in order to get the keys made from it.
Helen: Now, are you telling me that she wanted the soap back again for bath time?
Yeah, are you? Are you, punk?! I didn’t think so.
Home again — Hollamby is back with her purchases. She hears something in the basement, so she investigates. Finding the coffin lid slightly askew, she goes to adjust it — and of course Shell screams and sits up in the coffin like a vampire. Hollamby screams back as Denny jumps on her.
The wing office — Helen discusses her conspiracy theory with Karen, who doesn’t buy it. Fenner arrives just in time to feign shock and confusion. Karen says that Shell’s diary will be tested to see if the entries were made over time or all at once, and the handwriting will be analyzed too. This makes Fenner a little bit nervous. But not very; after all, he’s wriggled out of worse.
Is this a creepy indie film? — Denny and Shell are snorting coke and having fun being captors instead of cons. They’re wearing Hollamby’s clothes so they can really get into their roles. (Actually, Shell looks more like Ilsa, the She-Wolf of the SS.)
Denny: You know, Shell … if you was a screw at Larkhall, I’d shag the arse off you.
Shell: Well, there’s nothing stopping you now, is there?
Oh, but there is: Hollamby is whining. She’s in the closet, tied to a chair, her mouth taped shut. Shell threatens all kinds of bodily harm, but Bobby (that’s Mr. H.) comes to the rescue. Or, rather, to distract them. Shell hides in the closet, pointing a knife at Bodybag, as Denny conks Bobby on the head with a golf club.
It gets creepy and scary as Shell and Denny continue to dole out the psychological torture. They make Bodybag strip and threaten to give her a full search. Thankfully, we don’t have to watch that. But then they put her in a French maid’s outfit, which is almost as humiliating.
Shell clearly enjoys being a sadist — she’s pretty good at it, too — but Denny squirms as Bodybag cries and begs.
Back at Larkhall — Fenner whines to Karen that he’s the one being framed. I can only throw up my hands in frustration and helplessness! Especially when Karen seems concerned about him.
Not the cell visit I was hoping for — Helen is unlocking a door and saying, “Can I come in?” But no, she’s not visiting Nikki, who seems to be completely AWOL this episode. Instead, Helen is trying to get the truth from Shaz.
Helen: I hope you realize how stupid you’ve been, Shaz.
Yeah, but what’s the end result? Some private cell time with Miss Stewart. I’d say she’s been pretty smart.
Shaz says Denny is the only person she’s ever loved, and the only one who’s ever loved her. See how much cuter they all are when they’re locked up? Helen seizes the opportunity, reminding Shaz that she’ll get to see Denny again if she tells the police where to look. Shaz gets bratty and says she’ll never tell, but adds that someone’s going to get a surprise visit.
Shaz: Put it this way: an old friend’s gonna be sorry she pissed Shell off.
Helen: She?
Shaz’s face says, “Aww, crap!”
More creepy stuff — Denny and Shell make out while Bodybag serves them tea. Yep, definitely more like a David Lynch film than a Bad Girls episode.
Hollamby tries to get them to see her as a normal person rather than a screw. Sometimes it’s hard to remember there’s a Sylvia behind the Bodybag nickname. She even tries to apologize, but they just laugh at her.
Karen calls and leaves a message, wondering why Hollamby hasn’t shown up for work — which only makes Shell and Denny giggle more. Back at Larkhall, Helen is in Karen’s office when she leaves the message, and instantly suspects the worst. Which also happens to be the truth.
The worst — Bobby, who has been chained to the toilet, tries to break free. Shell punishes him by making him crawl into the coffin. Then she and Denny make Mrs. Hollamby tighten the screws on the coffin. It’s not just David Lynch: It’s Lynch interpreting a Poe story.
And then — I can’t believe it — Shell douses the coffin with gasoline and sets it on fire, even though Denny tries to dissuade her. Sylvia looks on, sobbing and screaming.
I’m probably not really describing this whole thing as fully as I should, but that’s because it kind of terrifies me, even though I love horror movies and am not easily scared. It’s just … Shell is pure evil, and you don’t often see a woman portrayed like this, so somehow it seems even more shocking. She puts the hell in Shell.
In the nick of time, the police arrive and save both Hollambys while Shell and Denny sneak out the back door. They slash the tires on the cop car and hit the road — in the hearse.
Still investigating — The Area Management goons want to talk to Fenner.
Karen: All you can tell them is the truth, Jim.
Helen: [under her breath] Some chance.
Jim doesn’t tell them anything resembling the truth, of course. He does freak out about Shell again, which makes the interrogators wonder whether he’s really fit for duty.
Moving on — Denny calls Shell a “s—tin’ nutter” for almost killing Bobby. Have you finally seen the light, Denny?
They need a new place to stay, so they go right to Crystal, who isn’t exactly happy to see them.
Crystal: Josh is at college, doin’ his prison officer’s course.
Shell: Oh, shame. We could’ve been a bit of homework for him.
I wish they’d stop giving the sadist such good lines!
When they think Shell is out of earshot, Denny and Crystal discuss the situation. Crystal knows Shell is evil. Denny promises they’ll stay just one night.
The next morning, Shell pretends to have left something behind. She goes to Crystal’s bedroom and plants drugs under her pillow. Then she calls the police to report Crystal as a harborer of fugitives. Yep, evil is right.
Whine, whine — Over drinks with Karen in her office. Fenner moans and groans about being a “scapegoat.” Karen agrees that Helen “has it in” for Jim. OK, I take it back: Shell’s not the evil sadist. The writers are, for continuing to allow Fenner to breathe.
There’ll be some changes made — The Area Management reps give Simon the bad news: They’re making some changes at the top. Ol’ Stubby-summint is out of a job!
Changes in latitude, changes in attitude — Denny and Shell — with amazing wigs and suits, plus fake passports that rename them Barbara Hunt and Nicola Wade — are skipping the country. Is it me, or does Shell bear a slight resemblance to Jill Bennett in that wig?
They’re on their way to the Costa del Sol for “sun, sangria and sex.” Meanwhile, guess where Crystal’s going? Right back to Larkhall, for clouds, chamomile and celibacy.
NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: Di and Crystal face off; so do Yvonne and a newbie.
