You dropped a bomb on me – When we left Tila and her suitors last week, she had just shocked the hapless contestants with the news that she is “a bisexual.” She quickly assures them that she is only looking for one mate, but this does scarce little to assuage the irritated and confused men and women who’ve just seen their competition double. Here’s a sample of their comments:
- “This just threw a wrench in the truck.” – Ashley (I’m not really sure what this means; perhaps it is a saying common to elementary school teachers?)
- “It’s kinda messed up … It’s kind of like a betrayal, in a sense.” – Steffanie (Why does this comment make me think of that line from an episode of The Sarah Silverman Program when Sarah goes temporarily gay: “As a lesbian, I’m offended by your laughter … by all laughter.”)
- “I wouldn’t say the competition’s gotten tougher. The competition has gotten delayed.” – Steven (This is the ass-hat who later in the show will rank himself as a “10,” so clearly he’s not our best source for reliable information.)
The tepid, half-hearted “woo hoos” in response should tell her plenty.
Meet ‘n’ hate – The awkward mingling commences, and it’s clear that some of the players are going to be taking this new bisexual development kinda hard.
Vanessa, the “dancer” who is one of Tila’s favorites, gets some face time with the host so that they can process what’s happening. Vanessa tells her that she didn’t expect to be competing with guys, but “It’s OK, I’ve been with guys too before.”
Vanessa adds that she too once had to “figure it out,” but later she tells us, “The girls are gonna win because the girls will get the heart. The guys are here for p—-. Can I say ‘p—-‘?”
Outside, Ashley is talking to Steffanie and Grace. And by “talking,” I mean saying ignorant things that could get his ass whupped.
Eddie: So you guys are all lesbians? Steffanie and Grace: [in unison] Yes. Ashley: Are y’all exploring your sex-ya-ality, with all these … Steffanie: No, no. I’m a f—ing lesbian.Steffanie later imitates Ashley for our viewing pleasure: “‘Are you really a lesbian?’ I’m like, ‘Honey, what do I look like to you?'” Actually, she looks like Kate Moennig to me. Anyone else agree?
More idiocy ensues.
Marcus: We like that y’all like women. It’s a beautiful thing.Really? Would Marcus find it “beautiful” if two big butch lesbians were getting it on right in front of him?
And just when you thought it couldn’t get any dumber …
Ashley: If she’s gonna be in a biiii-sex-ya-al relationship, then I wanna be number one. Granted, I will let number two come in … if she wants to be a hot girl.”Huh?
Loose cannon Lala is not having any of it. Nor is she “feeling” it. I think she speaks for many of us when she says about her male competitors: “When they talk to me about stupid ass s—, I just want to say, ‘Shut the f— up, I don’t want to talk to you!'”
Do I amuse you? — Out by the pool, Domenico exercises poor judgment once again when he sits with Ashli, Brandi and Rebecca and begins to question them about their lesbianism. He asks them if they want to kiss each other, and Brandi snappily tells him, “No, we’re not here for your entertainment.”
This baffles him, so he moves on to his next ill-advised comment. He tells her that she’s dressed in a “disrespectful” manner because her bikini is too tiny.
Note to Domenico: If you find yourself wearing any garment for which the slang terms “banana hammock” or “marble bag” would be appropriate, perhaps you should not criticize the appearance of others. Just a friendly suggestion.
As you might expect, the three women gang up on him about his Italian pride Speedo, telling him that his “package” is clearly small. And then they all point and laugh at it.
Brandi is the woman with the big picture. She says that her goal is to get all of the guys eliminated. “And how do we do that? We use our sex appeal,” she explains. “We use our manipulation and cause drama.”
Yes, more gender stereotype-busting from A Shot at Love!
Brandi starts yammering at Domenico about how he needs to shave his bikini line, and he gets exasperated and goes into a higher vocal range. Not quite in the dolphin zone like Marcus, but still pretty extreme.
Tila comes over to investigate the ruckus, and when she does, Brandi tells a big, fat lie.
Brandi: He said that you made out with a lot of the guys and you’re never gonna come home with a woman.Uh, no, Brandi, that’s what I said.
Tila does not like the sound of that, and Domenico immediately begins denying the accusation. Then Brandi slaps on another layer of bad press.
Brandi: He said, “Are you guys gonna make out?” And I’m like, “I’m not here to entertain you.'”Marcus capitalizes on the drama by dragging Tila away from the group, telling her, “T.T., this is too stressful.”
He sits down with her and begins his sales pitch (he is a spokesmodel, after all): “I’m gonna help you out; I’m gonna observe every one of these individuals — girls, dudes, transvestites, whatever it is in the group, all right? No, I’m serious! And I’m gonna help you out because I’m looking for the same thing. So if we’re looking for the same thing, we gotta get together on this, work together as a team.” The look on Tila’s face changes from amusement to “screeeech!” And it has nothing to do with his inane “transvestite” comment.
Tila asks him, “Well, what are you looking for?”
Marcus replies, “I’m looking for someone like you!”
Yeah, that’s why they call this show, A Shot at Love With Someone Like Tila Tequila. Bonehead.
Domenico interrupts Marcus and Tila to plead his case against Brandi (“I swear I didn’t say that!”) yet again, and is rewarded for his trouble by being shoved in the pool by Marcus. This is cause for much laughter on the lesbian side of the pool. Steffanie smirks, “You guys are amazing — you’re so much more dramatic than we are.”
As if to prove her point, Ashley jumps into the fray, coming over to tell Tila, Domenico and Marcus that he hates Marcus. Because we didn’t figure that out in the last episode, when they almost came to blows in Tila’s front yard.
As Marcus and Ashley play their little game (“You need to step back.” “Make me!” “You need to step back.” “Make me!”), Domenico climbs into Tila’s lap like a little baby, practically sucking his thumb (or nursing) as she coos to him: “You didn’t say that, did you? I’m gonna trust you this time.”
But before you know it, Marcus has made the mistake of touching Ashley, and the brawl is on. Ashley throws Marcus down on a nearby sofa bed and mounts him (!) while punching wildly at him. Tila has run away from the fray with Baby Domenico, and joins the gaggle of lesbians who are watching with bemused horror.
I think we’re alone now — As always, there is someone to lead Tila away from the mess and to an available bed, and this time it’s Rebecca. They climb awkwardly onto the bed together, barely avoiding getting their high heels entangled, and Tila starts to cry as she talks about the unnecessary violence that is marring her big day of coming out as (“a”) bisexual. Rebecca comforts her with a nice, warm, nearly nude hug.
Tila: These are my real feelings, and I don’t want to seem like a joke to people because I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve … When you’re around so many people and everyone’s grabbing at you, it feels even lonelier! Because I’m for real, and I’m looking for someone to be with.Tila tells the camera that it was nice to have “someone there in that chaos, to have a shoulder to cry on.” Then we cut to her kissing Rebecca (and not Rebecca’s shoulder). Then they pull apart and do something really odd: They discuss their kiss. Rebecca says, “Wow, that just made my day,” and Tila says that she feels “a lot better now” and that the kiss put a smile on her face.
Who does that? It’s so awkward, and I can’t imagine this happening after Tila kisses a guy. This is beyond processing, it almost feels like some sort of stunt, designed to prove that the kiss was meaningful despite the fact that it was between two women.
Or is it just me?
Group hug — The other female contestants converge on Tila and Rebecca and talk all at once about how much they loathe fighting and what big babies the boys are. But Tila doesn’t pay much attention because she’s noticed that whacktastic “Lala” has left the building without even telling her!
Cut to Lala, who tells us: “I don’t like associating with guys. Men to me are so icky and nasty and out of pocket [huh?] … I’m not gonna do it.”
Tila runs after Lala and tries to convince her to stay, but Lala says she’s not willing to slap or get slapped as part of the competition. Tila says the fight scared her too, and she begs Lala to stay. But Lala is not “feeling it” anymore. She doesn’t want to be out of her “element.” As we watch Lala hobble away in her white heels, Tila sniffs, “That really hurt me, because I really liked Lala.” Tila returns to the gaggle of lesbians and tells them that Lala has bailed.
Though I suspect many of them are green with envy (which of them really wants to stick around and look at Domenico’s itsty bitsy teeny weenie skimpy Italian pride bikini?), they assure Tila that they are all cool with competing with guys. Crafty Brandi even tells her that “We are all bi-curious when we first start out,” (um, no) and that they’ve all “been there” in terms of their own coming-out “journeys.”
I have a feeling that “there” looks pretty different for contestants like Steffanie and Dani. Call it a hunch.
Like a virgin — Tila tells us, “I know that there are a few girls around here that definitely haven’t been with a guy, and they don’t want to be around boys …” Cue sweet, innocent Ashli, whom Tila leads to a grassy knoll for a little heart-to-heart.
Ashli is nervous just talking to Tila, and something about that unplundered territory is like catnip to Tila. Her eyes light up as Ashli talks about how much she admires Tila’s openness and vulnerability, and I can’t help but think there’s a special dungeon somewhere in the Lair o’ Tequila that is reserved for virgins only.
Later, Ashli tells us: “The thought of having sex with Tila, being intimate with Tila, I think that would be great. Tila could be the one that I decide to lose my virginity to.”
If you kick off your sexual career with a Maxim model, where exactly do you go from there?
It’s a family affair — Much to Tila’s relief, all of the contestants finally settle down and start to “get along.” Student Bobby tells us that he has no problem with Tila’s bisexuality and says, “May the best man or woman win.”
Even Ashley seems to have found some inner peace. After he tells Vanessa and Tila that he is “down” and offers his knuckles to Tila for a quick bust, he tells us: “A couple of my girlfriends is been lesbians. They told me that later in the relationship, ‘yo, I’m a lesbian,’ and I was like, ‘aight, it’s cool …'”
He adds: “I’m bonding with a lot of these girls, and they trust me. I’ll be their big teddy bear.”
Cut to Vanessa, giving us her assessment of the teddy bear and other male contestants.
Vanessa: These guys are freaking morons. I have no doubt in my mind that Tila’s gonna go with a girl over a guy.We’ll see.
Non-moron (and hip-hop dancer) Alex tells us that he has a lot of gay and lesbian friends, so he’s not laboring under the delusion that lesbians and bisexual women are simply fantasy fodder for straight dudes. Sara tries to start trouble by asking him if he’s at least “tried” to get with a lesbian, but he tells her, “If they tell me straight up that they are not interested in guys at all, then no.”
Impressive!
Feels like the first time — On the other end of the pool, Eddie approaches the group and Tila announces to everyone within earshot that he’s a virgin. Amanda, who up to this point has pretty much hated everyone, softens a little and tells him how “adorable” it is that he’s never had sex before.
Amanda: He seems like a really nice person. He’s Aladdin at Disneyland , it’s so f—ing cute. Are you kidding me? That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.Yes, it’s all fun and games as long as she can picture him as a sexless (and kinda queeny) cartoon character come to life, but when Tila asks if Amanda would sleep with Eddie, Amanda screws up her face in horror and screeches: “Ewwww, no! God! I mean, uh, no offense. That was so mean. I didn’t mean it like that!”
If Eddie’s feelings are hurt, I blame Tila. She should have looked up the definition of the word “lesbian” in the dictionary before asking Amanda such a dumb question.
The last seduction — Vanessa is slumming with Steven (the perfect 10!) and Bobby, telling them that she thinks they’re the “two best-looking guys” there. She’s being awfully nice. Then, later, she tells us, “I think what I’m gonna do is use my sex appeal to get these guys on my ass, get rid of them, then in the meantime just concentrate on my prize.”
Ewww.
The low spark of high-heeled boys — In order to narrow the playing field, Tila has created a couple of tests for the contestants. The men are asked to get in touch with their “feminine” sides, so of course the way to do this is put them in drag. Specifically, she asks them to walk in high heels.
(Normally, I would make a joke here about lesbians walking in high heels, but since I’ve just spent 40 minutes watching nine of the 11 Shot at Love lesbians stride about in heels so high they border on fetish footwear, I think I will resist the urge.)
The guys bitch and moan about it, but when it comes time to walk the “runway,” most of them strap on their cha-cha heels and really bring it. They strut their stuff with surprising confidence (and in some cases — ahem, Domenico — bizarre skill). One of them even learns a valuable lesson. Steven tells us, “The next time I put on high heels, I’m wearing open toes.” The gaggle of lesbians catcall the high-heeled antics of their male competitors, but we all know that they soon will be facing a challenge to get in touch with their “masculine” side. What might this be? Graciously earning a higher rate of pay for doing the same work as a woman? No, nothing that exciting. They simply have to drop and give Tila 20 push-ups.
Some of the guys bitch about this “weak” challenge (“They’re all doing girl push-ups anyway” and “They should have pissed standing up. That’s a challenge!”), while others make the most of it as homemade porn (“I was hoping they’d slow it down, because I just liked watching their butts go up and down. It was great!”).
As the girls celebrate the strength of their collective lesbian muscle, Marcus tries to sabotage the moment by grabbing Sara’s ass. Then all hell breaks loose.
Sara tells Amanda that Marcus grabbed her, then Amanda confronts Marcus. Tila asks what happened, Marcus denies everything, then eventually gives one of those lame-ass, eye-rolling apologies that ends up being just as insulting at the ass-grabbing itself.
Marcus needs to pack up his inner dolphin and go on home.
Button, button, who’s got the button? — The next challenge Tila has up her (nonexistent) sleeve is … a foam party! No, I’ve never heard of it either. It appears to involve lots of bubbles and a slippery surface, so it can’t be that bad.
The lesbians look excited about the prospect for a brief moment — that is, until they realize that they’ll be playing in the foam with a bunch of straight dudes. Hidden in the foam will be three poker chips, and the contestants who find the chips will be granted some all-important face time with Tila just before the next elimination.
Sisterhood really is powerful, because the women quickly establish a plan: Any woman who finds more than one chip must hand it off to another woman. This way, the Tila face time will go exclusively to the female contestants, thereby making it more likely that a guy will be sent home for his lack of rapport with Tila.
It’s a noble plan, but when all the foam has deflated, two of the chips are found by guys (Eddie and Eric) and one by a woman (Rebecca, who hardly needed the advantage). Not everyone is disheartened by losing the challenge. Michael B. admits that he wasn’t even trying to find a chip, he was just enjoying knocking the women over and falling on top of them. He smiles dreamily and tells us, “Nothing beats a foam party with 11 lesbians.” Three of hearts — “One on one” time with Tila actually translates to Tila hanging out with the three winners. She immediately curls up in Rebecca’s lap, who begins dragging her hand languorously across her thigh. Eric briefly forgets that Rebecca is his competition and is hypnotized by watching her hand move up and down Tila’s perfectly tanned leg. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down.
Um, anyway, Eric (and I) snap out of it and he asks Tila if she’s digging the women more than the men at this point in the competition. Tila tells him it’s equal, then turns her attention to virginal Eddie. She asks him if he’s ever kissed a girl, and if he would kiss her.
Eddie tells her that he “could” kiss her, and Tila gets the screeching brakes face again. He tells us that he tries to stay away from anything sexual at this point, which is probably why he became a contestant on a reality dating show. Bye, Eddie.
Tila and Rebecca make out in front of Eddie and Eric, and while Eddie (naturally) doesn’t seem to care one way or another, Eric starts to drool. He tells us that he has worked in gay clubs and has seen women kissing each other before. And he always wants to “join in.”
Mercifully, Eric is not permitted to “join in” this time. (I don’t care if he’s cute like D’Angelo circa 2000, he needs to stay out of that mess.)
Now that we’ve come to the end of the road — Sittin’ up in her room, Tila frets over which four contestants to send home. She’s worried that she might accidentally send home the true love of her life, and yeah, that would really suck. As I expected, Tila sends home two men and two women: Eddie, Steffanie, Grace and jackass Marcus.
Grace, we hardly knew ‘ya. Though I will say that your Cruella de Vil-esque hair caught my eye and I’m almost certain that I have seen you out and about at a certain lesbian establishment on Thursday nights in Los Angeles.
I’m especially bummed to see Steffanie go, as that leaves only one butch girl (Dani) in the running. But on the bright side, we won’t have to watch the same tired fight between Marcus and Ashley next week. We’ll probably get to see a whole new fight between Ashley and someone else!
Next week on A Shot at Love: A friendly game of Spin the Bottle results in an ill-advised pajama-swap and tests one contestant’s gag reflex.
For another take on this episode, watch Malinda and Sarah P’s video blog The Lo-Down: Tila Tequila Episode 2
