“Exes & Ohs” Recaps: Episode 1.2 “Roads Previously Not Taken”


Before we get started with this week’s episode, I wanted to thank the keen viewers who clarified two points about last week’s recap. First, you reported that Crutch said “lingerie model,” and not “a little melodramatic.” It’s so not like me to miss someone, anyone, saying the words “lingerie model.” I don’t know what happened.

Also, the woman at the wedding was Nadine Ellis, who by the by, happens to be a former Pussycat Doll. Meow. The reverend was played by Tony-nominated actor Sheryl Lee Ralph. Apparently, my eyes are no better than my ears. Once, I thought I saw a really hot dyke walking down the street, but it turned out to be Tobey Maguire.

Moving on. In Episode 1 last week, Jennifer endured her ex’s nuptials to her former therapist and had an exotic bird almost crap on her head for her trouble. She did, however, get some spring-cleaning done when she gave used cookware as a wedding gift.

Jennifer’s BFF (and ex), Sam, had a smoldering piece of sum’em named Becca, whose days are numbered because Sam suffers from RADD: Relationship Attention Deficit Disorder. Kris and Chris, Seattle’s Happiest Lesbian Couple Wearing Matching Sweaters Without a Shred of Irony, run an online pet supply biz.

And then there’s purple-haired Crutch, the group’s mascot. Crutch might be an amalgam of Crazy Butch or Crunchy Bitch or Cruel Itch, or something equally whackfabulous.

Birds of a feather — Jen is selling copies of her latest documentary, a snoozer about water fowl called Bird Watchers, at the bar where Sam works as a bartender. Chris, Kris and Crutch are hanging out to support their friend. First, it was poker in the coffee café and now it’s documentary sales in a bar. Do we even want to know where they do their laundry?

Jen tells the lesbian couple perusing her little display table, “Bird Watchers is the first DVD with the Great Blue Heron mating ritual,” because that’s her biggest selling point.

“And then the herons, they mate for life?” asks one half of the couple, giddily hoping for affirmation from the animal world. I admire animals who eat their young, but that’s just me. Jen rings up a sale and promises there will be even more herons in Bird Watcher 2. More Herons. Naked.

Sam brings Jen and the gang a round of shots, because what good is being a bartender if you can’t comp your pals? Sam is awesome. They all raise their glasses. To the sequel! Bird Watchers Reloaded. Or Son of Bird Watchers. Or Bird Watch Harder. Jen is less than psyched at the prospect of doing another nature film about herons, but only because she hasn’t heard my Oscar® buzz-worthy titles.

Jen: This isn’t exactly the height of my cinematic expression.

Sam: [deadpan] Will the sequel be as exciting at the original?

Again, Sam is awesome.

Crutch reports the day’s sales figures: seven. Crutch is crabby today. She received an ultimatum from her mother: Move back to Bakersfield and work in a cube farm in an insurance company, or get cut off financially. Mothers and their blackmail. Insidious.

And then, right on cue, Mrs. Crutch calls. Crutch excuses herself for another round of Mother May I (Have Some More Money While I Work on My Art?).

Looking at her table of educational wares, Jen’s not feeling her artistic integrity these days, either.

Jen: I should be doing Fahrenheit 9/11 or Super Size Me, An Inconvenient Truth. You know, documentaries that make a difference.

Kris: Bird Watchers 2 will make a difference. To bird watchers and the people who love them.

Not to mention the people who get off watching herons doing it.

Sam tells Jen she should do something she actually loves and asks, “What about the sex movie you’re always talking about?” Now you’re talking. Where’s the good porn we were promised? OK, I know — no one promised us good porn. But isn’t it time?

Jen: It’s not a sex movie. It’s about women’s power in today’s society. You know? Like the Pussycat Dolls or Britney Spears … strippers. You know. Are they being exploited or doing the exploiting? Are they empowered or unempowered?

Ugh. Lesbians and our earnest desire to analyze everything to death. I do love how Jen lumps Britney Spears in with the strippers, though. Leave strippers alone!

Crutch returns and tells the girls, yup, the old lady finally did it: She’s been cut off. Sam hands her another shot “on the house.” Crutch can be roommates with that other cut-off, no-office-skills-having lesbian, Helena.

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