Last month we
In her introduction, saucy Tila tells us that the show will help her figure out “do I really like a guy” (cut to her kissing a dude) “or do I really like a girl?” (cut to her cuddling up with a woman). Forget therapy, forget self-help books — get your own reality TV program!
The opening promises “1 Bisexual Bachelorette … 16 Guys … 16 Girls.” By my count, that’s 33 reasons why this show is gonna break crazy. Fast.
Meet the Victims — Tila tells us that she’s super excited because 16 gorgeous straight guys will be coming to the house “just for me,” and they “have no idea that I’m bisexual.” As Tila says “bisexual,” we cut to her adjusting her breasts in an outfit that can only be described as the little black dress’ trashy second cousin.
The men in question pull up in a stretch Hummer and roll out of it as if it’s a clown car. They immediately begin bellowing and pounding their chests, shouting “Tila! Tila!” One of them even turns a sloppy but enthusiastic cartwheel — while wearing a suit.
Tila holds court from her balcony, yelping coquettishly, “Where are my boys?”
Lance, a “professional clown” (hey, maybe that was his car!) from Palmdale, Calif., is so inspired that he begins scaling the wall in her general direction, telling us: “I’m going for it. I’m climbing the wall like Romeo and Juliet.” Or at least that’s how it looks in his head.
From where I’m sitting, it’s more like an outtake from Planet of the Apes. He climbs the wall like a monkey while the remaining monkeys down below pound and stomp the ground and scream encouragement.
Let’s meet Ashley, from Mullens, W.Va. At first glance he looks like a modern-day Crocodile Dundee. Upon second glance, he looks more like the love child of Crocodile Dundee and Z.Z. Top. He’s a country boy and an elementary school teacher, shaping the minds of tomorrow. He tells us, “I’ve never dated an Asian chick before, but I love Chinese food.”
I have no words.
Tila instructs the pack of dudes to grab a key (16 oversized skeletony-looking keys hang outside the house) and head inside. One of those keys might just be to Tila’s heart!
Kings of the castle — As the guys file in, Tila jumps up and down excitedly and tells us: “There are so many things I love about a man. The way he looks in a suit, his strong hands, the roughness of his face …”
Let’s meet some of the fellas from the gallery of rogues:
Gifts that keep on giving — Tila tells us that each of the guys has brought her a gift that will help her get to know them better. This will also keep her floating in free gifts.
These “gifts” include a song from Eddie, a singer/dancer from Gardena, Calif. When he presents the song, he uses the white rose he’s holding like microphone, and it looks, well, like he’s singing into a flower. It’s an original composition that goes like this:
Yeah, that’s pretty much it.
As he sings, Tila gets that frozen, clenched smile that we all know translates into, “Next!” But Eddie is oblivious. He thinks Tila could really be his Endless Love!
That white rose he’s holding traditionally signifies innocence and purity (so the rose is wondering how the hell it ended up on Shot at Love — and seriously considering getting a new agent), and that makes sense because Eddie is — gasp! — a virgin! Or at least he says he is.
Tila is a little freaked out by this info and immediately accuses him of lying. He insists that he is chaste, and we cut away before we can watch this scene get any more awkward. (And keep her reaction in mind when you’re watching her meet her female suitors in the second half of the show.)