This just in: Gladiators needed in Hollyweird. Remember late-night TV viewing back in the early 1990s? I do. I remember watching CBS after dark with shows like Forever Knight, Dangerous Curves and Silk Stalkings. I also remember a steady diet of Powerball, Joust and Assault.
That’s right: American Gladiators was on my must list back in the day. Here’s a sample.
Imagine my glee when I saw the news that the gladiator arena is being re-invented for 2008, complete with host Hulk Hogan. OK, maybe I’m not so jazzed about the Hulkamaniac angle, but I’ll take buff women in tight-fitting costumes any day. Fortunately, that’s where the gladiators come in.
Hogan will be hosting, but the remainder of the “cast” has yet to be announced. In fact, open auditions just concluded in September. I always fancied myself a bit of a tough girl back in the day. To be perfectly honest, I still have delusions of grandeur on occasion. I never wanted to be a contender though. I always wanted to be the gladiator throwing weaker mortals out of my space, bouncing them off jousting platforms and shooting tennis balls at their various body parts.
Who knows what dastardly events the new show’s producers have in store for us. I’m guessing things will be a bit more extreme this time around. Maybe rubber bullets instead of tennis balls. Or perhaps less padding on the joust. Maybe Powerball will be played on a platform extending over shark-infested waters.
I also wonder what clever little names they’ll give the gladiators this time around and who they’ll find to fill those tight little costumes. Naturally, I can’t help but offer my two cents. We could go for the likes of Jackie Warner or Victoria Pratt, but instead you’ll have to forgive me for jumping into the land of make-believe. It was infinitely more fun.
1. Xena and Gabrielle — They are the obvious choices to top the list, don’t you think? The only problem is that actually getting the best of one of them might lead to your untimely death at the hands of the other.
2. Zoe Washburn — Put her behind those Assault cannons and get out of the way.
3. Lt. Jordan O’Neil — The other gladiators would always feel safe in the knowledge that Lt. O’Neil would never leave them behind.
4. Ellen Ripley — Tell her the contestants have been inhabited by aliens. She’ll never lose.
5. Sarah Corvus — Every group needs a bad influence.
Who would you love to see occupying those gladiator outfits come 2008?