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“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 3.8 “Gay Pride”

Double coupons – Spencer and Paula are loading up the family truckster with groceries when Spence spies a flyer on their car. No, it’s not for Mercury Car Insurance or Chico’s Bail Bonds, it’s for the gay pride parade in West Hollywood. She reads it aloud to Paula who simultaneously purses her lips and grits her teeth in response–which just looks painful.

Spencer says, “We should go.” Paula laughs like it’s a joke, but it’s no joke. And dear, sweet little Spencer pushes back, saying, “Yeah, I want my mom to come to pride with me” and smiles angelically.

She works hard for the money – Paula and Spencer enter their home loaded down with grocery bags and in full squabble mode. Arthur has that pained dad-caught-between-a-mother-and-daughter-at-war expression on his face, the one that just screams, “I’ll rent a single somewhere downtown. Three hots and cot, that’s all I need. Just get me out of here!”

Paula is offended, deeply offended, that after all they’ve “been through” Spencer would accuse her of homophobia.

What they’ve been through? Let’s review: Paula tried to set her up with a guy even though Spencer told her she was gay, she dragged Spencer’s girlfriend out of her bedroom by her hair, and she hired some weird religious wing nut to try to make Spencer straight again. Homophobic? Well I never!

Paula reminds Spencer that she has been oh so “tolerant” of her lesbianism, and Spencer rightly flips out.

Spencer: I don’t’ want to be tolerated. I want to be loved and accepted, which means you need to find a way to go to pride. But how convenient, you have to work!”

Spencer storms out and Paula tries to enlist Arthur to be on her side. But he snaps at her, “We both know this is bigger than some scheduling conflict!” Paula looks wounded and bats her lashes. What have they done to my Mother Superior? Would someone please return her huevos and her weaponry?

When you’re hot, you’re hot – At the loft, Kyla is freaking out (which seems to be the new norm for her) about the big party they are planning to promote the tribute album for her and Ashley’s dad. Oh yeah, and the party that celebrates Madison becoming one of Justin Timberlake‘s new dancers (which is so totally cooler than the stupid album).

Kyla is worried about the masses that are about to descend on them at Ego, and Creepy Sex Blogger Jake tells her smarmily (is that a word?), “That’s the price of being white hot baby, you gotta enjoy it. Just wait til after the press conference and we will get you something to help you mellow out.” Something tells me that he ain’t talking about chamomile tea. Maybe there is an actual reason (aside from lack of continuity) for Kyla’s recent behavioral weirdness.

Glen is on the phone with Clive Davis (whose idea was that?) and Jake quickly takes the phone away from him and begins schmoozing. Glen, always thinking, wants to know if Clive Davis has any “hot, rich daughters that might want to sugar mama me.” And I have newfound love for Glen because he just used the term “sugar mama” as a verb.

Taken to the cleaners — Glen is taking a stroll with Madison, carrying dry cleaning (see, he has his uses!) and doing some necessary backpedaling about why Madison wasn’t invited to a party that was supposed to be (at least partially) in her honor. Something tells me that the Creepy Sex Blogger had something to do with Madison’s name not making the guest list.

He wants your sauce — Aiden is over at the Carlin abode getting some free therapy from Arthur. In between reassurances that Aiden’s reaction to almost dying is perfectly normal, Arthur is spooning tastes of his homemade marinara sauce into Aiden’s mouth. And it’s, well, a little weird. I guess Aiden has men/women/children appeal. Everyone, even middle-aged househusbands, wants a piece of him!

Aiden handles Arthur’s weirdness with grace, and in return Arthur tells him to come see him at the office next time.

And I’m surprised he doesn’t just ask him if he’s got health insurance.

Daddy’s girls — Spencer is on the phone with Ashley (have you noticed that they rarely have face time anymore?) who is amused at Spencer’s excitement about gay pride. Ashley is on the verge of an eye roll, as if she has been going to pride since she was in short hootchie pants.

Spencer is reading her the internet description, including mention of “empowerment workshops.” Ashley snorts, “Ooh, empowerment workshops. Now I’m turned on!”

But the whole exchange is pretty cute, because Spencer is wife-ing out again. She wants Ash to come with her to gay pride, but she doesn’t want her to blow off her “music launch” in order to do so. Spencer tells her, “I’m trying to teach you the fine art of commitment.” Tick tock, it’s only a matter of time before these two are back on again.

Arthur interrupts their conversation to announce dinner, and along the way he offers to go to pride with Spencer.

Ashley tries to bow out not that Spencer has a date to Pride, telling her, “I was mostly just going to keep you company. But now while you’re hanging out with your dad, I’ll just be singing songs my dad wrote while skipping out on my entire childhood.”

Wah, wah, wah.

Tea for two — Arthur is packing a picnic lunch for gay pride, which is proof that he’s never been before. Why take a healthy, nutritious (and gay-ish—pasta salad and fruit?) lunch from home when you can pay a leather-clad street vendor $8 for a sausage on a stick? Heh.

Paula enters the kitchen in her scrubs (nice touch) and tells Spencer that she tried to find a replacement for her shift so that she could join them at pride, but that it just didn’t work out. She seems sincere and I totally believe her. But Spencer is pouty and unconvinced. Hmm, we should probably trust the intuition of the one who has lived with her for her whole life (and who doesn’t classify her as a MILF).

Valley of the dolls — Back at Ashley and Kyla’s loft, the Creepy Sex Blogger is bossing everyone around. Ash wants to make a pit stop on the way to her press conference (to see Spencer at gay pride) so CSB ups the ante by getting album producer Ethan on the line and getting him to pressure her to just get her ass over there to meet the press. His tactic works, and it’s clear that CSB is less devoted to the girls than he is just another fluffy-haired L.A. opportunist.

Kyla asks CSB if she really has to wait until after the press conference, and before we can even wonder, “For what?” he tells her, “Oh I guess we can split half a tab, if you’re good…” While I’d like to think that he’s referring to the world-famous “Totally Artificial Beverage,” I’m pretty sure it’s Ecstasy, or acid, or some other illegal, man-made supplement. Dang, this Creepy Sex Blogger is a terrible influence!

While he’s scamming to get Kyla high, Ashley tells Glen to bring her car around back so that she can slip away to meet Spencer.

This is the way that we live — Spencer and Arthur are tooling around at pride, checking out booths to the strains of a tune that sounds suspiciously Betty-esque. (Please tell me I’m wrong. Can Betty really have invaded every lesbian show on TV? Eek!) It’s a very sweet scene, and we watch as they stroll past nice wholesome displays by GLAAD and interact with kiss-blowing gay mimes.

In real life, of course, if you took your dad to gay pride, it’s inevitable that you would accidentally wander in on a B & D workshop and end up standing behind a bunch of leather daddies in assless chaps (and yes, I know that “assless chaps” is a pleonasm, but it does give you an image, doesn’t it?)

Mama mia — Back at the Carlin abode, Ashley lets herself in to the house where she finds Paula literally crying in her Wheaties. Paula admits that she and Spencer have been fighting again, and Ashley is sympathetic. To Paula!

Paula has just found out that she has coverage for her shift after all, and Ash tells her, “Sweet! Let’s go show ’em our pride!” Awww. Paula demurs and when Ashley asks her what she’s so afraid of. Paula tells her that Spencer is “just not real happy with her mom these days.” Ash tells her, “Then come be my mom for the day. God knows I could use one every now and then.”

Good thinking. Paula can come be my Mami for the day anytime she wants!

Pride (in the name of love) —Arthur sweetly asks Spencer about how things are going between her and Ashley. She gives the sort of uncertain answer that would be required to accurately describe her relationship with Ms. Davies, and before they can process any further, Arthur looks up and sees Paula and Ashley standing together. Paula is holdng a rainbow flag and gives it a jaunty little wave.

Spencer picks herself up off the ground and the four of them exchange brief pleasantries before Ashley leaves for her press conference. As she goes, she says to Paula, “Bye ‘Mom’.” This is momentous, and I can only hope that Paula will now pimp Spencer out to Ash with as much zeal as she did to the weird William Mapother-y looking kid.

We cut to a lovely gay montage, filled with gay parents, gay cops, and gay…um..”nuns”. Then cut to Arthur and Paula macking all over each other. Just what every gay teen wants to see at their first pride—their straight parents making out.

Get in line — Madison finds herself stuck outside the club, while the party “for” her is happening on the inside. In fact, she’s not even on the list! Ash finds her and apologizes, and Madison reminds her, “No one even asked me what I wanted to do on my last night in town.” So Ashley asks.

In a car nearby, the Creepy Sex Blogger takes Kyla’s call. She’s whining about his absence and he tells her that he’s left her a little “something” in the VIP room. Then he tells her he loves her, which I’m sure is fascinating to the hootched up girl sitting next to him in the car.

Let’s just kiss and say goodbye — Over at Ashley’s crib, the gang (Ash, Aiden, Chelsea, Madison ) convenes for a private party. After admitting they wasted years hating each other, then quickly reassuring one another that they aren’t going to drop their mutual contempt, Madison and Ashley make kinda nice. Madison wants to know why Kyla and Glen aren’t there, and Ashley tells her that neither of them is willing to leave the Ego” scene” to hang out with the real people.

My bodyguard — Over at Ego, Glen is escorting an obviously thrashed Kyla out of the bar. He stops to talk to some girls who probably aren’t interested in him (with our without his Tools ‘R Us nametag, he’s still Glen, after all), while Kyla stumbles on down the steps to the car without him. From the shadows, a creepy guy emerges and accosts her. Is it the photographer Aiden beat the crap out of last week? Or maybe the guy who Aiden kept wanting to thrash for no apparent reason at Ego a few weeks back? I can’t tell in that light. Whoever he is, he’s up to no good. The menacing dude says to her, “Where’s you bodyguard now?” And unfortunately, the answer is “scamming on women who are way out of his league and not protecting me.”

Let’s get it on — Paula and Arthur are all lovey dovey post-pride, which is just…weird (maybe it was the assless chaps?), and they seem in a hurry to get upstairs to bed. Spencer stops them long enough to thank Paula for sharing the best day of her life with her, and Paula says it was the best day for her too. And something about the way Arthur is mooning over her tells me it’s about to get even better.

You can leave your heels on — Over at her loft, Ash is prancing around her loft in booty shorts and not much else. And there ain’t nothing wrong with that (as Dara likes to say).

Spencer calls her and fawns over her for getting Paula to go to pride and Ash gloats, “Yeah, I’m amazing.” Spencer asks about Madison’s going away party, then says suggestively, “I can’t wait to get into this after party. Now it’s time for you to open your door.”

Ashley does and Spencer walks in. Then she promptly drops her raincoat (?), under which she is wearing nothing but heels (MEOW!) and embraces Ashley.

I call that going out with a bang! And yes, literally or figuratively, you can take that however you like.

The next episode won’t be until early 2008, but that last scene should keep you busy until then. Just don’t burn a hole into your iPod screen with the freeze frame, kids!

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