Fall TV schedule: I’ll show you mine if you show me yours

For couch potatoes in the States, this week kicks off a courting period with our televisions. This week, the new and returning shows start premiering in all their finery in hopes of winning a spot on our dance card for the season. Who will stay and who will go? Well, much like real dating, for some it will take repeat viewings, and for others it will only take that first episode to know whether they’re all right or all wrong. I though I’d share my dating watching game plan for the new season. Yes, even the embarrassing stuff. I’m sticking to mostly broadcast though, ’cause cable is way too embarrassing. Yes, I’m talking to you, The Girls Next Door.

MONDAY:

8 p.m.: Chuck (NBC) I’m going to give this computer geek and the CIA superspy odd-couple comedy a shot. I’m not in love with its cutsie premise, but what the hell, it’s Monday. Why not? And that’s it. I don’t watch Heroes. I know, audible gasp. While you’re at it, go ahead and gasp some more — I don’t watch Lost either.

TUESDAY:

8 p.m.: Bones (Fox) Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz and skeletal remains, oh my! And look, Christina Cox (Better Than Chocolate) guest stars in the Oct. 9 episode. Her character is linked to an S&M retreat. Yeah, you’re all watching now, aren’t you?

9 p.m.: House (Fox) Hugh Laurie almost makes me straight. I mean it. I love him. Oh, and I think I’ve figured out why new cast member Olivia Wilde’s character is called “13.”

10 p.m.: Damages (FX) until its season finale Oct. 23 and then Cashmere Mafia (ABC) once it premieres in November. And if I may give the brass at the alphabet network some free marketing advice, change the show’s tagline to “Like Sex and the City, but now with lesbians.” Trust me, that’ll bring the eyeballs.

WEDNESDAY:

8 p.m.: Pushing Daisies (ABC) I only needed to hear five words about this quirky new back-from-the-dead comedy to know it was on my must list: “From the creators of Wonderfalls.” Yes, please.

9 p.m.: Bionic Woman (NBC) The name says it all. A woman who is bionic. Duh, I’m watching.

9 p.m.: Private Practice (ABC) I’m going to record the premiere and see if it’s worth the programming effort. Otherwise, sorry, Kate Walsh. You’re cute and all, but the other chick is bionic. Beat that.

(I’m still hoping against hope that once The Return of Jezebel James premieres in the spring, it won’t be one big suck like the clips from its pilot. Otherwise I’ll just say a silent eulogy for Parker Posey’s career and move on.)

THURSDAY:

This is where things get tricky. In fact, I’ve turned the 8 p.m. hour on Thursday into a little game I like to call Watch, Record or Stream?

8 p.m.: Watch, Ugly Betty (ABC). Record, CSI (CBS — my affiliate airs it an hour early, damn them). Stream, 30 Rock (NBC). If I’m not too TVed out, I’ll tack The Office and My Name Is Earl onto my streaming schedule.

FRIDAY:

10 p.m.: Bill Moyers Journal (PBS)

No, really, I’m not kidding. This is, hands down, the best journalism on television today. Sometimes, believe it or not, I like to learn stuff.

SATURDAY:

Nada. Sometimes, believe it or not, I like to leave my house. Shocking, I know.

SUNDAY:

The Sarah Connor Chronicles (Fox) — oh, right, we’ll have to wait until freaking January to see the cutest lesbian florist ever — I mean, to see Lena Headey get all medieval on some really mean machines from the future. Until then, I revel in the lowbrow that is The Simpsons and Family Guy.

Hmm, looking at all of that, I can’t help thinking that I should probably read more books. Well, I’ve shown you my schedule; now you show me yours. Come on: It’s only fair.

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