Can we all agree that the American Idolification of the Emmys, what with its theater-in-the-round and hiring of Ryan Seacrest, was a bad idea? A very bad idea. The 59th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards was a largely dull affair interspersed with some worthy winners, fitting send-offs, head-scratching choices and spectacularly bad jokes.Two gags about Hayden Panettiere finally reaching the age of consent? Classy, people, classy. And then there was the bleeping: Brad Garrett making an off-color milk remark about his co-star’s décolletage? Fine. Sally Field making a political statement about “goddamned wars”? Censored. Context, censors, context.
Here’s a look at some of the highlights and lowlights from the telecast (for a complete list of winners, go here). Let’s kick things off with Ellen and Portia. Sure, they didn’t win anything. But they did color coordinate. Plus, if you look closely, in the top right corner you’ll see Ellen’s mom.
Tina Fey, Marry Me: Fine, she’s already married. But you can understand my inclination when after winning Best Comedy for 30 Rock, she said, “I want to thank the parents, child, spouse and gay partner of every person that works on our show … and our dozens and dozens of viewers.” She then told the press backstage that she was going to celebrate by overeating. Sigh. The good ones are always taken.
Hello, Foreshadowing: First-time winner for Best Actress in a Comedy America Ferrera shows us how many Emmys she’ll have by the end of her career. I think she’s being too modest.
Ladies in Red: Somewhere, Chris de Burgh is smiling.
Baby Bump Watch: Cunning use of bows and draped fabric, Christina Aguilera. But the bow, uh, it’s not fooling anyone.
New BFF Alert: Helen Mirren has this delicious habit of posing with random people I adore. And note to award voters: Give Helen a trophy and she’ll deliver like FedEx with her acceptance speech every time. “I’m going to keep talking until that very dramatic music comes in.” Genius.
Their Roots Are Showing: Wow, this is what the cast of Roots looks like 30 years after the landmark miniseries? Forget about their roots, I want to know their secret.
What the Bleep: Who would have guessed that the three people who got censored would be the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond, Izzie and the Flying Nun?
Full Length Mirrors Save Lives, People: Uh, should someone tell Paula Abdul that something is awry here? Yeah, this is awkward. This is also why you should never get dressed in the limo.
Why I Watch These Shows: Hot women in hot dresses. Er, I mean, to honor the craft. Yes, definitely the craft. And my, what a lovely craft it is.