“Bad Girls” Recaps: Episode 3.03 “The Chains of Freedom”

Morning at Larkhall – All is well in the world. The cars are in their designated spots: Karen’s hot little green number and Helen’s dorky little red number rest next to each other as their owners make life inside a little more tolerable. Such an idyllic scene.

Until we see the actual denizens of the place, that is. Denny and Josh are reacquainting themselves with each other and testing out their vocabularies, tossing around tricky words like “institutionalized.” I need to remember things like this when I fantasize about fun behind bars – many of the locals just aren’t that bright.

As they chat (and walk past a random officer), Josh pretends he and Crystal are permanently split up. OK, he’s smarter than I thought. In his nervousness, he backs right into Yvonne, who’s looking good in her own leather jacket. (I like to think Simone Lahbib and Linda Henry went shopping together, because how much fun would that be?) She proceeds to flirt with him. He rushes off, but her cranial wheels are clearly in motion. She’ll make some use of him, somehow. I’m sorta jealous.

News for the Ju’s – Karen has some news for the two Julies. Remember that application for the electronic tag and accompanying release? It was successful. Well, for one of them, anyway: Only Julie S. gets to go to her son’s school play. Julie J. has to stay behind because of that little hand job she gave the guy from the phone sex line.

Karen: It’s out of my hands. No pun intended.

And with that remark, Miss Betts, you’ve earned my eternal loyalty, all Fennerful activities aside. (Ick.)

Julie S. isn’t sure she wants to get out if she has to leave her best friend behind. She’s just that wacky: Friends are more important than freedom, ya know? It’s like the Larkhall version of “bros before hos.”

Plotting – Last week, Sylvia decided all the screws should go on strike. Di thinks it will look suspicious if they all call in sick on the same day. She’s a sharp one, that Di Barker. Sylvia tells her that’s the whole point: It’s supposed to look like a protest. All they have to do is get sick notes.

Sylvia: I know I won’t have any difficulty getting the necessary from my GP.

Whoa. Is this like those treatments for hysteria in centuries past?

Di sees Karen passing by and stops her to ask when Dominic’s coming back.

Karen: He isn’t. Sylvia: What? Karen: I’ve got hold of his parents. Apparently he met someone in Greece, and he’s decided to stay there with them.

He met “them” in Greece? A nonspecific pronoun and a Mediterranean vacation? Plus, didn’t he go to Ibiza on his last holiday? OMG, Dominic’s gay!

Di: [sputtering like a fish on land] You mean he’s resigned?

Guess you’ll have to find a new subject for your shrine, Di. Hey, how about Karen?

Mopping and moping – The Julies are considering their fate as they clean.

Julie S.: This is pants. Why do they have to do this to us, Ju?

Oh, pants! I really must remember to use these brilliant Britishisms more often. (Note to unwitting Yanks: It’s even funnier because “pants” doesn’t mean trousers in the UK; it means underwear.)

Julie J. encourages Julie S. to forget about their impending separation and focus on her son. But it’s sad, because these two have been attached at the hip for so long. Or maybe at the pants.

Making copies – Helen’s in the closet. Oh, wait; it’s that little records room or whatever, where she was copying Nikki’s file. It seems to be part of Karen’s general office area.

Karen: [entering the hallway] You looking for me? Helen: No. I don’t think so.

Ouch. The way she says it somehow makes it sound like a rejection. “Buy you a drink?” “In your dreams.”

Karen asks her to come in for a second anyway. She assures Helen that if she thought Fenner really did attack Shell, she’d have his “balls on a skewer.” Helen says she’s not questioning Karen’s integrity. This embarrasses Karen a little, which is cute. Speaking of cute, have I mentioned that Helen is wearing red again? It’s definitely a good color on her. If I believed in reincarnation, I would hope to live my next life as Helen Stewart’s nametag. Helen’s really just looking for a motive. She points out that Shell trusted Karen and told her things about her childhood she had never told anyone else.

Helen: I think she thought you’d tell Jim and he’d make a laughingstock of her.

But it’s OK if the other inmates think she’s a complete psycho instead?

Midnight confessions – Julie J. isn’t so sure she wants Julie S. to go after all.

Julie J.: I don’t want you to go. I can’t stand it in this place. Not on me own. Not without you. We’ve always been together.

Julie S. reminds her that this is about her son, and how could anyone ask anyone to stay in prison anyway? Good point, Julie S. – for example, Helen would never ask Nikki to do something like that. Oh, wait.

Julie S.: I can’t. I just can’t. Julie J.: You mean you won’t, you selfish cow.

And just like that, Julie J. turns into some sort of possessed person and starts shrieking at Julie S., even insisting that the nickname has outlived its cuteness:

Julie J.: Sod off out of it. And stop calling me Ju. My name is Sonja.

Yikes! Call the prison exorcist already.

The sick-out – The next day, all the prison officers are mysteriously struck by a “stress bug” and call in sick. Stubberfield tells the cons there will be no education, association or visits, and all meals will be served in their cells. This doesn’t go over very well.

Yvonne’s upset that she won’t get to see her daughter, while Nikki just wants to see her solicitor.

Barbara: He said it’s due to circumstances beyond their control. Nikki: Well, what’s beyond their control in this place? F-all.

She’s got a point. And her bed head is pretty adorable. Nikki’s so hyper about her appeal now, it’s like she’s on something. I guess she’s once again high on the possibility of getting out and starting a life with Helen.

Meanwhile, Denny and Shell don’t seem to care much about the lockup; they’re goofing around in their cell as always. Being young and in love is great, even behind bars.

Helen tells Stubberfield to let the inmates out and just let them run wild: “It’s not like they’re gonna escape.” Karen agrees, so Simon eventually does too. The inmates spring out of their cells and dance around like kids on a playground.

An unfair farewell – Julie S. is all ready to go. Julie J. won’t even say goodbye – she just rolls over in her bunk and faces the wall. My girlfriend does that roll thing to me, but in a fakely petulant, hilarious harrumph that results in giggling rather than tears.

Monica Lindsey is outside, ready to take Julie S. to the halfway house. Gosh, that’s very nice of her – did they even know each other very well while Monica was in Larkhall? I guess Monica is truly a charitable soul.

Love among the riots – Helen finds Nikki in the crowd of cons and asks how she’s doing. Here’s what they say:

Helen: Nikki! Nikki: Hi. Helen: How’re things? Nikki: I’m getting by.

But thanks to their body language and the way they look at each other, it comes across like this:

Helen: Nikki! Wow, how can you look that good? Nikki: I dunno, but seeing you – especially in that leather jacket – makes me tingle all over. Helen: Do you still love me? Nikki: You know I’ll never stop.

(If you skimmed the recap and thought that was actual dialogue, I do apologize!)

Helen asks Nikki to help her keep an eye on things.

Nikki: Come on, you know I don’t like playing prefect. Helen: Look, if anyone steps out of line, it’s gonna mean that you all get banged up again. Maybe for days. And none of us want that, do we?

Ha, Nikki actually rolled her eyes! Cheeky. She points out that she has already missed her meeting with her solicitor.

Helen: We can set up another meeting. Things are movin’, so don’t worry. Nikki: [nodding, softening] How ’bout you? Helen: Ugh, don’t ask. I’ve got this bloody report to do on Shell’s attack and Jim Fenner. Nikki: Well, I hope you hang the bastard out to dry.

Unfortunately, Helen doesn’t think that’s going to happen. She reminds Nikki that Shell smuggled the bottle out of Hollamby’s party and was clearly out to get Fenner. This makes Nikki raise her us-and-them hackles again, but Helen knows just what to say to keep things peaceful and playful between them.

Nikki: So, the lucky bastard rides again, eh? Helen: [smirking] I’m afraid I couldn’t possibly comment.

Sigh. And swoon. They grin at each other, then turn and go about their business, still somehow on the same side despite the power differences.

Still locked up – Karen takes some food to Shell – she’s not allowed to play with the others. Shell is still very disappointed and angry with Karen, and assumes Karen told Fenner about Shell’s past. Karen gets all stern and serious and says she’ll never tell anyone what happened to Shell when she was a kid, because she gave Shell her word on that. Shell seems to believe her.

Cons gone wild – Denny and Shaz are doing their cleaning duty, even though there are no screws around to make them do it. Silly kids. Julie J. is annoyed, but she’s annoyed with everything because she misses Julie S. – so she stomps off to her cell. Barbara stops by to comfort her, and Julie J. pretends to feel better just to get rid of her.

Meanwhile, Josh saunters through the crowd to wolf whistles and lecherous glances, including some from Yvonne. Nikki tells her to leave him alone because they’ll all get locked up again.

Yvonne: Why, who’s gonna catch us?

Nikki: Well, suppose Josh ain’t up for it? Yvonne: Are you saying I can’t pull? Nikki: [smugly] What I’m saying is if you’re desperate for it, find someone on the same side of the wire. No one will bat an eyelid. It’s a lot easier and you won’t end up down the block. Yvonne: You’re joking. Turn lezzie? [makes a disgusted sound] I’d rather shag bleedin’ Fenner first.

We don’t get to see Nikki’s reaction to this, unfortunately. It probably goes beyond disgust and right into revulsion. She must have rolled her eyes again, at the very least. I know I did.

The halfway house – Julie S. models her new ankle bracelet. She and Monica chat a little and end up feeling sad for Julie J., but Monica says Julie S. has nothing to feel guilty about. Of course you don’t: You’re out of jail! Why don’t these people seem to get this? From Crystal to Nikki to Julie S., they all seem to want to go back in as soon as they get out. OK, so Nikki didn’t really want to go back in, but anyway.

Eww – Yvonne finds Josh and grabs his ass before he knows what’s happening. He tells her he’s not interested.

Josh: You’re way too old for me.

Did I say eww? I meant oww. Yvonne looks stunned. Now that’s more like it – Denny and Shaz have a food fight. Well, they’re only throwing slices of bread, which is a really lame way to have a food fight. Next thing you know they’ll be flinging something really messy and dangerous, like marshmallows.

Before they can kick it into gear, just-got-shot-down Yvonne stops by and shouts at them to clean it up if they want to keep “this setup” sweet.

Yvonne also eyes the knives on the kitchen wall. Before we can even ponder what this might mean, the scene changes: Suddenly it’s after dark, and a mysterious hand is reaching for one of the knives. Oooo.

More ways not to enjoy your freedom – What do you do when you have the run of the prison? Well, you lead everyone in a few rounds of “She’ll Be Comin’ Round the Mountain,” of course. That’s even lamer than the food fight.

Yvonne’s still stuck on the rejection thing. She asks Nikki why she never hooks up with any of the inmates.

Yvonne: You’re a good-looking woman. You could have your pick in here, couldn’t you? You got someone on the outside?

Guess Yvonne hasn’t seen the long looks and flirty interactions. Nikki says no, there’s no one – protesting a little too much, but Yvonne’s thinking about other things anyway.

Yvonne: It’s just … I can see why some women are up for it.

She confesses she’s been feeling lonely, but when Nikki tries to comfort her, she pushes her away. Nikki wasn’t really putting the moves on her, but takes the opportunity to tease her.

Nikki: [waggling her eyebrows] Come on, you never know: You might like it. Yvonne: I said I was down, not bloody desperate, all right?

The halfway house for illiterates – Julie S.’s son’s school play (still with me?) is Macbeth. Great. I hope we won’t be tying in that pilfered kitchen knife somehow. Oh, look, there’s a shot of it, still with an unidentified hand.

It’s not just small talk: David’s father, Trevor, arrives to talk to Julie S. Aww. He looks sort of sweet and unassuming. And he doesn’t even know that Julie has been in jail. She says she’s been traveling. He reveals that he’s a mechanic.

Julie S.: [to Monica, innocently] Always was good with a tool and his hands, was Trevor.

Monica tries to keep the conversation going, but then it gets a little too close, so she leaves them alone to talk. Is it just me, or is life outside Larkhall kind of boring? No wonder they all try to get right back behind bars. The music isn’t so treacly there, for one thing.

Inspection – Yvonne checks on the state of the kitchen, wanting to make sure Denny and Shaz cleaned things up. She notices the missing knife, of course. She blames Shaz, because – let’s face it – Shaz is kind of a prankster.

She’s also a poser. I was wrong about the music being less treacly in jail, because Shaz is crooning “Scarborough Fair” at the impromptu sing-along session. Everyone’s being respectful and paying attention, but it makes me yawn. I guess you just can’t escape folk-singing lesbians, not even in jail. Why don’t they just give up and sing “Closer to Fine”? Yvonne searches Denny and Shaz’s cell but finds no knife. Missing cutlery hath no investigator like a woman scorned.

As Shaz sings, Nikki asks Julie J. how she’s doing without her bosom buddy. Julie J. pretends she’s happy to be getting her own life back. Before they can discuss it further, Yvonne grabs Nikki to help her search for the knife.

They have a little interrogation session, with Yvonne, Nikki, Julie J. and Barbara (all the den mothers, I guess) asking Shaz to ‘fess up. She does, but she’s joking. So the faux cops decide to search all the cells.

Regrets – Julie S. thinks Trevor is nice and life outside is lovely, but she misses her best friend. She worries that Trevor will reject her when he finds out about her checkered past.

Keeping everyone distracted – Yvonne does a little comedy routine while the other den mothers search the cells. Ah, Yvonne: Always the life of the party. But it gets a little too jolly, so Simon and Karen put an end to the frivolity.

Nikki fashions a knife lookalike with a saucepan handle and hopes the screws won’t notice.

Two story lines I’d rather ignore – Di cries and acts weird while her mother cries for help. Did I say “acts weird”? More like acts like a lunatic: She slaps her poor old helpless mum. Ack.

Meanwhile, Julie S. tells Trevor the truth. He’s OK with it, pretty much. Well, he’s better with the prison part than the prostitution part.

The morning after – Helen and Karen pat themselves on the back, uh, backs, for the relative calm on the wing during the sick-out. Simon tells them not to talk themselves out of a job. Blah blah.

Helen gives Simon her report on the Fenner incident. She says there’s no evidence against Jim, which of course makes Simon happy. Blah blah again, with a side of ugh. Karen and Helen go off to work, while Simon sits right down and calls Sylvia to convince her to come back to work. He ends up offering to restore her previous rank, whatever that was.

The school play – David is thrilled to see his mom, and Julie S. is thrilled to see her son. Sweetness and light all around. Oh, except Trevor’s not there. He eventually shows up, of course, because sometimes Bad Girls really is a Lifetime movie.

Boredom – Nikki and Yvonne are kind of at a loss, with no screws around to complain about. They chat about the Shell incident and confirm they both hate Fenner – and don’t really like men in general.

Yvonne: Now I’ve come to think about it, I’ve never been with a bloke who was straight-down-the-middle decent. All of ’em are bastards. Doesn’t stop me wanting one, though. Nikki: Yvonne, just give me the knife. Yvonne: You what? You gone soft in the head? Nikki: I know you’re going through a difficult time right now, but let me have the knife and I can help you. Yvonne: I’m not suicidal, you stupid cow. I just want a shag! And as far as helping me goes, darling [casting her eyes toward Nikki’s lap], you just haven’t got the tackle. Nikki: [laughing] You wanna bet?

I love the fondness between these two. And I’m rather fond of them both myself! Nikki ends up giving Yvonne the name of an “old mate” who runs a male escort agency. Yvonne’s not sure how that can help her right now.

Nikki: When was the last time you saw your solicitor?

Yeah, that lends a whole new meaning to the term solicitor.

Yvonne: Of course. You get a private room when you see your brief. And this guy’s briefs’ll be packing more than just his paperwork.

Nikki laughs almost desperately, as if she can’t believe her character has been reduced to making this kind of joke.

Annoying, heavy-handed synchronicity – As Julie S.’s son performs the dagger part of Macbeth, Julie S. runs out. Yes, she’s suddenly very worried about Julie J., and at the very same moment, we learn that Julie J. is the knife thief and was planning to off herself.

Unbelievably, Julie S. goes back to Larkhall (Trevor gives her a ride) and ends up getting herself re-arrested and shouting up to Julie S.’s window, telling her it’s OK, she’s back, all is well – just as Julie J. is about to make the first cut. Did I call this “unbelievable”? Sort of un-stomach-able, really. But the whole prison erupts with shouts of joy. I guess this is what counts as a happy ending on this crazy show.

NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: Lots of Yvonne. Yum!