“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 3.6 “Fighting Crime”

Workin' on their fitness — Are you ready for a montage? It's been a while since I've seen one of those. The last time was probably on South Park, when they were making fun of montage sequences in a … montage.

This particular montage consists of a series of shots of a shirtless (natch) Aiden slugging away at a punching bag, intercut with Madison twirling around like she's at the Stevie Nicks Cheer Camp. I hate most sports, and I don't really pay much attention to Aiden, so whether he's a realistic pugilist or not is completely lost on me.

But as a Madison aficionado and a person who will gladly drop everything to watch a hot girl dance, I can say that Madison does not look like a professional dancer in the making. Yeah, she's like a younger, hotter Paula Abdul, but she just does the same moves over and over, shot from different angles. If the show is going to present Madison as the next Ginger Rogers, they should really invest in a choreographer or hire one of those Beals-tastic doubles.

After a lot of mutual sweating, the two run into each other on the steps outside the gym. Sparks fly. Ah, young lust. Will their not-so-eternal flame be rekindled?

You can't do that on television — Cut to Aiden's jeep. Madison and Aiden are giggling conspiratorially like the schoolgirls we all wish they were. It looks like she's bringing her head up from his lap. What the heck is going on in there? They’re talking about how good “it” was. And I don't think they're talking about their workouts.

Suddenly, Madison starts babbling about being “out of shape.” What? She's a maniac. A maniac on the floor! That girl has a sick body, and luckily Aiden tells her so. (He's nice to lesbians, and he tells cute girls that they really aren't fat. It's hard to find fault with the guy.)

He tells her that he's been stressed because he hasn't heard back from USC’s Marshall School of Business about his application. Um, Aiden doesn't strike me as business major. But then again, I guess people can make businesses out of all sorts of ridiculous ideas.

Aiden tells her that he's not looking for anything serious, and Madison quickly shoots him down. Yeah, he was just a booty call for her too. Then, out of nowhere, Aiden references Douglas Coupland and his term for "hookups between friends" — "fighting crime."

Girl on film — Back at Chez Davies, the Creepy Sex Blogger is doing a "photo shoot" (is the lens cover even off his camera?) with Kyla. He's barking orders at her: "Go crazy! Be creative! Flip around!" But somehow saying all of this to Kyla seems more like playing Simon Says with a 9-year-old.

She giggles and turns upside down on the couch as he snaps away. It's not sexy; it's disturbing. It's just so not Kyla.

They stop to make out, and sweet little innocent Kyla suggests that maybe it's time to turn the camera off. Oh no, Creepy Sex Blogger tells her, there are people on the East Coast waiting to see these photos so that they will know how to dress themselves like an L.A. “it” girl.

Kyla, who started drinking her own Ego-fueled Kool-Aid a couple of episodes back, buys into this nonsense. She is giggling and proclaiming “We are the party” when the sister who would know her way around a racy photo shoot enters the room.

"'Scuse me!" Ashley barks, "What's up with the kitchen?" CSB has covered the kitchen floor with a tarp for the photo shoot (WTF? Is he planning to hack Kyla up into little pieces and shove her into his computer bag?), and now Ashley can't get to the food. He rolls his eyes and goes to clean up the mess, and Kyla gives Ashley a lecture about being a "buzz kill."

Ashley snarks at her for letting him “cop free feels” (should he be paying?) when Kyla retorts, “Ever since I found the Eternal Spirit within me, I filter out all sarcasm.” I'm not sure what this means, but if it's true then she hasn't heard a peep from Ashley in weeks. Or from me, for that matter.

Then Kyla breaks it down:

Kyla: You need to tune into one simple fact. If I get hot, you get hot. We're sisters!

Though it sounds like a tagline for a feature at the TomKat Theatre, there is probably some wisdom behind this sentiment. The world loves a trashy sister act.

CSB snaps a picture of this family moment, and Ashley threatens him with a lawsuit. She's so sexy when she's feeling litigious!

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