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“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 3.5 “The Truth Hurts”

If I strip for you, will you strip for me – Spencer is wiggling around in her bed, giggling maniacally as she tosses clothes out from under her blankets. It’s cute, especially if you remind yourself that the actress playing Spencer is a legal adult. She climbs out of the bed wearing a shirt and her skimpy bloomers and asks Carmen if she can pose for her this way, only seminude-ish. Carmen (smartly) calls her a “wimp,” so Spencer whips her top off. [Note to self: Taunting girls can actually make them disrobe.]

Spencer: Can you just sketch it already, please? Carmen: Girl, who wants to sketch? I just want to see you naked.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? You’re a raging, homophobic mother who’s prone to violence. “You’re a raging, homophobic mother who’s prone to violence” who?

Paula does the controlling mom knock, which mean she raps lightly on Spencer’s door as she’s flinging it open. Spencer runs and jumps under the covers – which makes her look really guilty – as Paula and Arthur stand in her doorway, horrified. Aw, sweet. They finally agree on something! Spencer quickly tells them that “it” is not what it looks like, and Arthur says grimly, “I’m not really sure what it looks like.”

I know what it looks like.

Spencer: It’s … art?
Arthur makes note of Carmen, who is standing behind her canvas with an amused look on her face. Oddly, she doesn’t seem worried about the prospect of getting an ass full of buckshot as she dives through Spencer’s bedroom window or getting all of her hair ripped out by the Lightweight Bitch Fight Champ of all MILF-dom. (You know who I’m talking about.)

Games people play — In a move that can only be explained as overcompensation, the Carlins invite Carmen to stay and join them for a thrill-filled evening of parlor games. Tonight, it’s Pictionary!

As Carmen brandishes her pen with impunity, Arthur notices a mark on her hand. No it’s not Sharpie leakage, it’s a gang tat! Glen points it out, “La vida loca?” and the night of family fun is officially over.

As they part ways at the end of the evening, Spencer is blissfully ignorant of the ramifications of the tattoo spotting. Yeah, she’s lovestoned. And I think that she knows. But it’s not lost on Carmen who is suddenly acting all put out. Spencer tries to snatch a little goodnight, kiss but Carmen rejects her.

Carmen: Your parents can see us! Spencer: They’re gonna have to get used to it.
Go Spencer!
Carmen: I don’t want them to get the wrong idea about me. Spencer: I really don’t care — Carmen: I do! I saw the way your mom looked at me when she saw this.
Carmen doesn’t know that Paula looks at pretty much everyone that way.
Spencer: They’ll get to know you … Carmen: You don’t even know me!
Carmen storms out as Spencer sweetly calls after her. Yeah, um, that’s called a red flag, sweetie. Not realizing that it’s probably all downhill from here, Spencer shrugs it off. Oh Spencer, this is your honeymoon stage. Everything is supposed to be perfect now. Carmen shouldn’t be showing you her crazy until at least six months in. If it’s out of the bag this soon, you’ve got problems. Trust me.

Don’t dream it’s over — Across town, Aiden is having some problems of his own. He’s having a nightmare about being bathed in pink light. Oh, and also about dancing with Ashley, then watching Ashley dance with Spencer. Then he gets his ass kicked by some brawny dude. Their fight ends with a gunshot, and Aiden wakes up in a cold sweat. He touches his chest. Yep, he’s still ripped. Whew!

Brand new lover — Back in the land of liberated teens, Ashley wakes up and heads to the kitchen for coffee, where she finds Kyla cheerily doing yoga. This irritates Ashley, and I’m pretty sure that a big cup full of caffeine is not going to take the edge off. Kyla wants to know if Ashley and Aiden are officially broken up, which Ashley takes as a sign of interest. She doesn’t want Kyla poaching her roadkill! But Kyla’s just being friendly and interested. Why? We don’t know. But she is, even though Ashley can’t seem to stop being bitchy to her.

Kyla thinks that they both need new boyfriends, or girlfriends. Or “Whatever!”

Hard to say I’m sorry — At King High, Spencer (who is wearing a really cute outfit, FYI) fumbles her books, giving Carmen a fine opportunity to swoop in and be chivalrous. She gathers them up and says to a (not nearly) wary (enough) Spencer: “Hey, about last night. I’m sorry. I totally wigged out on you.” Then she asks if they are “cool.” And by cool, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t mean “destined for a brief but tumultuous relationship that ends in a restraining order.”

Carmen tells her that she wants to “finish that sketch,” wink, wink, then departs with a super cool, “Later.” Spencer grins, and it’s clear that the whole bad girl thing is still turning her crank. Spencer joins Chelsea at a table, where she’s reading What to Expect When You’re Expecting. They talk about some stuff that serves as filler until Madison plops down between them and addresses them as “beautiful people.”

Spencer knows that Madison is up to something (why is her radar so good with naughty straight girls and so bad with naughty gay girls?), and it turns out that the “something” in question is a favor. Madison wants Spencer to use her pull with Ashley to get her into Ego. In fact, she’s even willing to pretend to be Spencer’s “special friend” for a whole week in return! In Madison’s mind, the whole “special friend” thing probably just means not making Spencer walk three steps behind her. Spencer passes on the offer, but agrees to try to help Madison get into the club.

Mama said knock you out — Chelsea is helping Aiden study for an economics test, just having a friendly conversation, when Glen ambles over to join them. But he makes the mistake of coming up from behind and tapping Aiden on the shoulder. Yeah, Aiden’s shoulder isn’t really available for that sort of thing now that he has PTSD. Aiden reacts as if he’s being attacked and handily lays Glen out. I don’t think it’s fair that only people who are recovering from trauma get to kick Glen’s ass.

Kiss on my list — Spencer and Ashley are on the phone, per the norm. Spence is recounting her school day and her boring assignments, and Ashley is lightly mocking her for it. But then we find out why — Ashley admits that she misses Spencer. Spencer gives her a sweet but innocent “yeah, me too,” and changes the subject to that infernal list at Ego. Ashley doesn’t get why Spencer would want to do Madison any favors (Remember last year when all she did was spew homophobia? Well, that and toss her hair around while looking really hot. But still!), but she grudgingly agrees to put Madison on the list if Spencer will come along for the ride. Spencer agrees, but it’s obvious that she’s not as invested in their together time at Ego as Ashley is.

Lies, lies, lies yeah — Back in the land of no parental supervision, Kyla is chatting online with the son of the prime minister of Peru. Or at least that’s who he says he is. “Chatting” for Kyla means handing out personal information, like her home address. When Ashley learns this, she flips out. She has her faults, but little Ashley Davies is not naïve. She tells Kyla: “Let me let you in on a little secret. People online? They lie.” Though Kyla assures her that her chat mate is not a pedophile, Ashley isn’t hearing it.

Ashley: I’ve been doing this celebrity thing a lot longer than you have and I know how it goes. People are crazy.
Word.

Home sweet home — That night, Madison is waxing poetic about finally crossing the threshold into her spiritual home, Ego. Come to think of it, Ego looks disturbingly like Gray, the bar she worked in last season. Oh well, we all know about the shortage of commercial properties in Los Angeles!

Madison: This is amazing! I totally owe you a solid. I don’t have to sleep with you, do I? Ashley: Don’t worry, you’re not on my “To Do” list.
One good zinger is sufficient for Ashley, who is now desperately seeking Spencer. She makes her way to the entrance, where she finds Spencer trying to get Carmen into the club with her. Ashley is clearly disappointed. I think I even saw her lip quiver. Ain’t too proud to beg — Across town, Aiden is doing some gratuitous working out while Glen yammers and circles around him. Glen is trying to enlist Aiden in his plan to score girls with low self-esteem. Why does he need Aiden’s help to do this? Glen breaks it down.
Glen: You get high school action. I work at Sports Time. And when girls come in — cute girls, girls who play soccer — I’m wearing this lame-ass uniform. Which pretty much instantly stalls my game.
Aiden continues to tone and condition his body while Glen stands around bitching about not being studly enough to get chicks on his own. In desperation, he blurts out his burning, secret, shameful truth:
Glen: Are you really gonna make me say it? You’re hot. OK? Are you happy? And while I have plenty of other attributes that chicks dig, it’s that one that seems to get us into places like this.
While I try to figure out what those attributes could possibly be, Glen begins to beg.

It looks even more pitiful than it sounds.

Get into the groove — Back at Ego, Madison is shaking it and not breaking it. Which she should do more often. Like every day. All day long. From the corner, a guy who looks like Anthony Robbins watches her groove. I think Robbins would admire the personal power in Madison’s hips.

Carmen is brooding in the corner and scaring the clueless straight guys with her undifferentiated lesbian rage, while Ashley delivers a lame lecture to Spencer about how she can’t just snap her fingers and get “anyone” into Ego. Which is utter B.S.

Spencer: Fine, we’ll just go. Ashley: What is she, some kind of community service project? Spencer: Not everybody has a million-dollar inheritance to spend on designer jeans. Ashley: Come on! Are you guys like dating or something?
Spencer folds her arms and looks down at her shoes. Ashley says, “Oh.” She really didn’t know? Spencer storms away with Carmen in tow.

Finally, Ashley feels what it’s like to be replaced by a new love interest. And she’s not digging it.

In between perfectly executed dance moves, Madison sees the guy whose face she slapped in last week’s episode, Jake. She calls out to him (maybe so she can take another swing?) but he ignores her. She follows him into another room, where she sees him using his same old tired lines on sweet little Kyla. In a rare display of conscience, she finds Ashley and tells her about the problem with Jake.

But Ash is too wrapped up in her own little world and blows her off.

Ashley: Do I look like her keeper? If Kyla has a problem, talk to Kyla. Madison: Wow. And I thought I was all about myself! No wonder Spencer dumped you.
Ouch. She has a point, but then she also leaves the bar without trying to help Kyla any further. We all know she has a great right hook, so she could have done something.

In her rush to make a dramatic exit, she blows off the Robbins look-alike who tells her he’s a talent agent and asks for her name. This could be a bad move because he might even be telling the truth!

Tough enough — Back at Spencer’s house, Arthur is trying to calm Paula’s nerves about Spencer’s new gang-banger girlfriend. Arthur assures her that Carmen’s tattoo was for her own “protection,” to “look tough” and that she’s not really a gangster girl. Or so Spencer says. Because that’s what Carmen told her.

Paula actually accepts this information without much protest, which makes me think that she may have accidentally lobotomized herself in the ER.

I think we’re alone now — Carmen and Spencer steal away to Chelsea’s studio for some alone time post-Ego. (I think Chelsea needs to start charging by the hour. Junior needs a college fund!)

The new and improved Spencer (Spencer 3.0 is kinda toppy!) makes a big move on Carmen, who blows her off in order to process the Ashley incident. Arrgh.

Carmen: What was up with that girl back there? Spencer: Ashley? If you knew her, you’d get it. Carmen: Get what? Spencer: Ashley. I know how she looks, but that’s not who she is. She can be tough till you get to know her, then she’s funny and surprising and challenging and a pain in the ass … Carmen: [forcing a laugh] You sound like you’re in love with her or something. Spencer: We used to date and it was kind of intense but … now it’s over. Want me to show you how over?
Spencer makes another move, and Carmen blows her off a lot more aggressively.
Carmen: What? I’m not intense enough for you? I’m not funny and surprising enough? Spencer: Carmen, you’re all of those things. Carmen: What is she? From where I’m standing she seems like a stuck-up, phony, white-trash bitch. Spencer: She’s not. Look, she’s had a hard time. Her dad died — Carmen: Your brother died! Like she’s the only one who has ever had a crappy life? Why do you keep defending her? Spencer: I’m not defending her. I’m just saying that it’s been hard — Carmen: You’re still in love with her!
It’s only a matter of seconds before Carmen freaks out and starts trashing the studio. And then she trashes Spencer — physically. She’s quick to apologize after hurling our delicate little flower into a wall, but the apology doesn’t really begin to cut it.

Smooth operator — Ashley’s at home looking at pictures of herself on the internets again when she decides to call Spencer and apologize for being an ass. She has no idea that Spencer is home nursing her (literal) wounds after being roughed up by the girl she thought was so cool. Next to Carmen’s assault and battery, Ashley’s self-centered bratty behavior is a dream.

Spencer is on the verge of confiding in Ashley about what really happened after she and Carmen left Ego when Ashley blurts out, “Oh my God!” and practically hangs up on her. Spencer feels alone and cries pitifully in her room, not knowing that Ash has rushed off the phone because she’s just seen NC-17-rated video of Kyla on the internets. Ash rushes into Kyla’s room to break the bad news to discover that the video feed is live. Kyla is posing for the creepy sex blogger (aka Jake) right then and there, convinced that he’s a “genius” who’s going to make her a “star.”

I never thought I’d say this, but Madison was right.

Next week on South of Nowhere: Madison and Aiden get physical, while Spencer longs for the mediocre old days.

Want to see scenes from this week’s South of Nowhere episode re-enacted with fake blood and a nosy dog? Check out our weekly video blog, We’re Getting Nowhere.

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