Welcome back to Gotham, the city where people are apparently murdered by index cards. That’s not a joke; that is literally how someone died on this show. We also don’t get any Renee Montoya in this episode, but we do get drunk Barbara with a gun, which isn’t nearly as much fun as it sounds.
We open with two men, in suits and ski masks, fighting in an abandoned office building. They use office supplies to beat the stuffing out of each other, and one man finally kills the other with that paper guillotine thing you were terrified to use in art class. The next morning, the dead man’s body is found on the Gotham docks.
Bullock and Gordon investigate the crime scene, along with Edward Nigma, the forensics expert/future Riddler. Despite everyone treating him like garbage, Nigma is actually more competent than most Gotham city police officers. He pulls a bitten-off thumb out of the victim’s mouth, and goes to run the prints. It’s Grosstown U.S.A.
Over on the rich side of town, Oswald accosts a fancy older woman and asks for her broach. Well, first he asks, then he creepily demands. He then takes the broach pin to Fish Mooney as a reconciliation gift. Fish, who is wearing a ruffled collar made of twiglets, agrees with Oswald that there should be no more spilt blood. She then stabs him in the hand with the broach pin and LICKS his blood off the pin. We can now add “contracting Hepatitis” to the list of things/people Fish is not afraid of.
Alfred drops Bruce off at his fancy prep school, reasoning that he should probably get back into the normal childhood swing of things. Bruce would prefer to be homeschooled, but even millionaire orphans can’t escape the daily hell that is P.E. class.
Gordon interviews the mother of Deady McWallStreet, while Bullock and Esson watch him work. Bullock tells Esson that Gordon is still pissed at the entire police force, what with every single one of them leaving him at the mercy of Victor Zsasz. They agree that Gordon needs to get over it because he can’t be a one man police force…despite Gordon doing EXACTLY that for the past eight episodes. Also, didn’t he just get betrayed like, a couple of days ago? He’s gonna need a minute to get over it, guys.
Meanwhile, Oswald re-gifts the broach pin to his mother, who is worried that the other kids in the “restaurant business” aren’t playing nice. Carol Kane continues to kill it as Mamma Cobblepot, trapping rats with camembert cheese and ratting out schoolmates to the secret police. I would watch the crap out of a Mamma Cobblepot prequel.
Gordon and Bullock shake down a black market surgeon in the filthiest office of all time. They discover the thumbless man’s clothes and the doc tells them that he left a business card from Sionis Investments. Bullock is ready to pursue the lead, but Gordon insists on arresting the doc, who is a known police informant. Turns out that Gordon is still pissed at the GCPD for abandoning him, so he’s going to take down Doctor Snitcherson.
Gordon almost gets into a fight with another cop, but Bullock diffuses the situation. You know things have gone horribly wrong when Bullock is the voice of reason. Bullock tells Gordon that he needs to play along and color within the crooked lines of Gotham, but Gordon refuses to buckle because he likes doing things the hard/impossible way. Again, I want to root for Gordon because he’s so righteous and upstanding, but his character still comes off flatter than the Penguin’s man-bangs.
Gordon comes home to a terrified (and tipsy) Barbara pointing a gun at him. She’s still traumatized from her abduction last week, despite Gordon’s limp promises that he’ll protect her. It seems like the show is trying to use the character of Barbara to humanize Jim, but his lack of care/intimacy with her only serves to do the opposite. Besides, if Renee were there, she’d make sure Barbara had a hot cup of tea, the coziest blankets and the GILMORE GIRLS box set to console her.
Back at Office Max Pain, we see suited men in cages listening to a man in a samurai mask lecture them…presumably about TPS reports.
Back at school, Bruce is accosted by a bully named Tommy who wants to hear the gory details of the Wayne murders. Bruce walks away, obviously upset. Later on, the boys call him an orphan, and Bruce slaps Tommy across the face. Kid, don’t start a slap fight unless you intend to finish it.
Meanwhile, Liza checks in with Fish at church confessional, where Fish has concocted a scheme to drug Falcone and steal some papers from his office. Fish doesn’t just want to kill Falcone, she wants to slowly suck out his strength like a vampire. Liza seems to be getting cold feet about the whole operation, but Fish pushes her to continue.
Bullock and Gordon show up at Sionis Investments, where they see an office full of bros sporting bumps and bruises. It’s like Goldman Sachs Fight Club up in here. They meet with Richard Sionis, the CEO of the company who has an office full of swords and armor. He and Gordon get into a macho pissing contest over the true definition of the word “warrior” and Gordon outright accuses him of running a fight club interview process. They also discuss how wearing a mask, while concealing yourself, allows your soul to be liberated-oh well, too bad there won’t be any masked men running amok in Gotham (JK that will literally be everyone as soon as Bruce hits puberty).
Again, this seems to be the show trying to develop Gordon’s character with shades of murder-y darkness, but the only emotion we see cross his face seems to be one of constipation. Whomp Whomp. Sure enough, Gordon and Bullock find Thumbless Murderer in the bathroom and haul him in.
Gordon and Bullock try to get a confession out of Thumbless, but that blue haired lawyer from The Simpsons shows up to shut them down. Esson still feels guilty for ditching Gordon, which she should because everyone on this show is terrible at their jobs. Except for Alfred and Oswald, I guess.
Speaking of Oswald, he abducts Fish’s new umbrella boy, Timothy. After beating him for information, he finds out that Fish has someone close to Falcone (aka Liza) but doesn’t know anymore. He then has Timothy killed. Holding Fish Mooney’s umbrella is turning out to be the most dangerous job in town.
Alfred picks up battered Bruce from school. His solution to the bully problem is to drive Bruce to Tommy’s house, give him his father’s watch to wear as brass knuckles, and beat the ever-loving shit out of Tommy. Best surrogate parent ever? Bruce asks Alfred to teach him how to fight, and Alfred is all over it. We don’t yet know what Alfred’s backstory is, but it looks like it’s going to be badass.
Back at the GCPD, Gordon and Bullock set out to investigate all of Sionis’s abandoned buildings. Bullock again tries his darndest to make Gordon interesting, remarking that he has a demon in him. Sorry pal, we’re not seeing it. They split up and Jim finds the right building, then is immediately tazed by Sionis.
Gordon wakes up to find himself in the center of the office octogan. He has to fight three suits, who have been promised jobs/a million dollars to kill him. Meanwhile, Bullock gives a rallying cry to the crooked cops of Gotham to go save his asshat partner. Bullock calling Gordon an asshat is basically the highlight of this show.
Also, Selina Kyle shows up to steal some fur coats. Because she’s a catwoman, get it? Meow? This show has too many damn characters and no time or clue what to do with most of them.
Gordon fights the suits and seems to be winning, until he is attacked by Sionis himself, wearing a samurai mask and wielding a katana. Meanwhile, all the employees of the firm are watching the fights and eating popcorn because literally every citizen of Gotham is a sociopath.
Gordon gains the upper hand but shows mercy to Sionis, right before Esson busts in with back up. It’s good to have (crappy) friends I guess.
Over at Fish Mooney’s bar, Fish watches an older woman sing on stage. Liza walks in ready to quit, but Fish tells her the tale of her impoverished upbringing. She watched one of Falcone’s men murder her prostitute mother, and has vowed vengeance ever since. Liza hands over the ledger pages and leaves, but not before almost kissing/nuzzling up on Fish and calling her mama.
It’s compelling stuff, until the old woman joins Fish and calls her out for lying. I’m betting dollars to donuts that this is Fish’s real mom.
Back at the apartment of shadows and sadness, Barbara has realized she’s made a terrible mistake moving to a Hellmouth with a man made of cardboard. She leaves Jim a note and walks away-hopefully to Renee’s place? A girl can dream.
