“Marry Me” recap (1.4): Annicurser-me

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Last night on Marry Me, Annie and Jake celebrated their six-year date-iversary with friends-and Dennah’s date Liam in their apartment. Annie announces that the date will soon be retired due to their upcoming nuptials (date:tbd asap, btw) and everyone is happy to toast to that. RIP. Good riddance.

“Thank, Yeezus!” Kay exclaims. “’Cause your date-iversary is cursed as hell.”

“Whoa! I know there have been the occasional incident through the years, but I don’t think it’s cursed,” Annie responds.

This cues a string of flashbacks that reveals how every celebration over the past six years has turned into a flaming hot mess.

Year Five: Jake has an allergic reaction during a fancy dinner and has to be stabbed with an epi-pen.

Year Four: Annie gets kicked in the face by a horse before a Bruce Springsteen concert.

Year Three: Jake’s car bursts into flames just as he and Annie were about to take a road trip to Calabasas.

Year Two: They wait in line forever at a bread pudding bistro just to have the eatery run out of bread pudding just as it is finally their turn.

Year One: Jake meets Annie for dinner. Seconds after he compliments her white, gauzy, almost sheer dress and her two hour, $200 Brazilian blow out, a woman screams and pulls the fire alarm causing the sprinklers to go off ruining Annie’s hair and soaking her dress to reveal her goods.

“You’re cursed, Lady lumps,” Kay confirms, when we’re back to present day.

cursed as hell

But Annie and Jake takes it as a blessing and not a curse, when Liam informs everyone that the bread pudding bistro got shut down weeks later when rat droppings were discovered in the recipe. Besides, nothing bad has happened so far this year.

Then, as they clink their glasses, the lights go out. Gil finds the circuit box because his eyes have been trained to see in the dark due to not paying his power bill several times. But the worst isn’t over. It seems that the storm raging outside has been updated to a tornado warning and everyone receives a text alert telling them to seek shelter below ground.

Dennah starts to freak out, but Gil takes over. As a doomsday prepper, ahem, I mean, survivalista, he has left a Bug Out Bag, aka B.O.B., strategically located in each of his friend’s apartments. He pulls out the B.O.B., picks up Liamwho sprained his ankle tripping over the coffee table in the darkand leads everyone downstairs to the basement storage unit to wait out the storm.

Dennah is impressed by Gil’s take-charge attitude, but Annie and Kay would rather talk about Liam. He’s hot. He’s British, he’s a doctorr and he seems like a genuinely nice guy.

“Forget about Gil. Let’s talk about Liam,” Kay insists. “When was the last time you were with a nice guy like that? 1990-never?”

D-bags. Degenerates. D-Listers

Annie laughs. “Yeah, Dennah. Your track record with dudes is not great. The helicopter DJ, the hologram denier, Lamar Odom?”

“D-bags! Degenerates! D-listers!” Kay adds. Annie and Kay laugh as they enter the storage unit, but Dennah doesn’t think it’s so funny.

As the group gets settled into the storage basement, Gil pops out of a camouflage tent looking like Rambo and presents three blue buckets. One will be used as the toilet, the other as the kitchen and the third as a puke bucket if anyone confuses the toilet for the kitchen. He instructs everyone to fan out to look for things they can eat, drink or sharpen.

The toilet. The Kitchen. The puke bucket.

Kay opens a box and finds several bottles of Cabernet Soy-vignon—soy protein wine coolers Annie stocked up on when the FDA banned them for causing super puberty.

“Let’s drink!” Kay suggests.

In an effort to resuscitate the party, Annie agrees, but she becomes alarmed when Jake takes a swig. After all, he’s allergic to soy—0r is he?

And thus begins the first of many flashback to date-iversaries of years past as we discover what really happened during each of their celebrations. It turns out that last year Jake faked his allergic reaction to soy to distract Annie from being angry when he didn’t propose.

“I was in a impossible spot,” he explains. “There was no way out without you dumping me or me spoiling the fact that I was already ring shopping and I was planning on surprising you.”

Oh! Well, when you explain it like that…

Annie is willing to forgive him as long as he promise not to keep any more secrets now that they are engaged. He promises. Yet when Kay finds a locked drawer in his old desk, he refuses to open it, claiming that the contents are secret.

Annie and Jake retire to the tent to hash it out, and in the end, he convinces her to trust him. But trust doesn’t come so easily to Dennah and Kay.

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