Archive

“Gotham” recap (1.7): Scaly-Faced Bitches Get Stitches

Welcome back to Gotham, the town teeming with more ambitious villains than Dartmouth’s fraternity rush week! We open with all of our citizens reeling the reveal that the Penguin is still alive. Fish Mooney is throwing a fit and screaming for someone to bring her Gordon, like she’s some sort of Roman emperor (which she very well might be). Back at the station, Gordon calls Barbara and tells her to get out of town, before Bullock punches him in the face and calls him a dumbass.

Bullock is furious with Gordon for breaking the first rule of the Gotham PD: follow through on your cold blooded mob hits! Gordon begs for his help, but Bullock would rather drag his dead body to Falcone and beg for forgiveness. Before he can do that, Gordon knocks him down and escapes.

Back at home, Barbara is being menaced by Falcone’s thugs because she did not leave town. She has to endure my worst nightmare, which is a creepy guy smelling my hair and guessing my weight like it’s a carnival game. UPSETTING. Luckily, Gordon arrives to beat up the thugs and rescue her.

Gordon puts Barbara on a bus to Out Of Town, but she doesn’t want to leave. Girl, get on the bus! There are literally a million different places I’d rather be than Gotham. I hear Maine is nice this time of year. Also, why did Gordon put her on a bus? Put her on a plane to Paris or Delaware or ANYWHERE else. Gordon tells Barbara he’ll come get her when the situation calms down, or he’ll be dead. Either way, she’s responsible for the bus fare back home.

Gordon returns to the police station, where every cop is staring him down. Captain Essen tells him to GTFO of the city because everyone wants his head, but he’s like nope! Instead, Gordon writes up warrants for the Mayor and Falcone, intending to charge them with the Wayne murder and conspiracy. Essen tells him that no cop/lawyer/judge will help him because everyone is on the take or too scared. Gordon refuses to leave town and is ready to take down the evil empire.

Meanwhile, Falcone is examining a shipment of chickens and talking to them like he’s Gonzo the Great. Fish and Nikolai want to kill Penguin and Gordon, but Falcone says no. Also, Fish is wearing this insane black feather ensemble that looks like she murdered the black swan and turned her into a crop top. Falcone sends Fish to politely ask Maroni for the Penguin, while he sends Victor Zsasz (notorious Batman villain from the comics) to hunt down Gordon. Nikolai tries to play grabass with Fish, right in front of Falcone. Dude, what part of the down low don’t you understand?

Back at Gotham PD, we meet the notorious Victor Zsasz, who is flanked by two nameless dominatrix henchwomen. Finally, the henchwomen of Gotham are breaking through the glass ceiling! I’m sure they’re only making 70 evil cents on every evil dollar, but it’s a start.

Victor gets up on a desk and demands that the station turn over Gordon. Gordon responds that they are in a station full of cops, at which point, EVERY cop in the precinct leaves him to die-including Essen, who is not happy about it. I’m amazed this department gets anything done ever. Victor and his ladies start shooting up the precinct, and Gordon gets hit in the stomach. He escapes outside to the motor pool, with Victor in hot pursuit. Then, the only honest lady cop in all of Gotham (who isn’t Renee) shows up to see who the fuck is shooting up her car. She’s killed immediately. RIP Only Honest Cop, we hardly knew ye.

Gordon gets shot again, but he is saved by Allen and Montoya, who swoop in to rescue him. Way to go, good cops! Victor rolls up his sleeve and carves a tally mark into his skin with a box cutter to commemorate killing the lady cop. I hope he got a tetanus shot. Gordon wakes up in a clinic, to find that a doctor friend of Montoya’s has patched him up. She tells him to rest, but Gordon refuses and leaps off the table to go arrest the entire city of Gotham.

Fish meets with Maroni to negotiate for Penguin’s head, but all Maroni offers her is a soggy apology from Penguin. Fish proceeds to slap the crap out of Penguin and calls him a scaly bitch, which is amazing. Jada Pinkett Smith is bringing some over the top cartoon energy to her performance and I can’t get enough of it.

To retaliate, Falcone has his thugs kidnap a gaggle of nuns and chain them beneath an overpass, blocking Maroni’s gun trucks. Maroni won’t be able to ship his goods until he hands over the Penguin. Maroni is furious and jumps to the conclusion that everyone is after Penguin because he’s a golden goose. Penguin responds with “honk honk” which is really the best kind of response given the situation. Maroni’s right hand man Frankie, however, is dubious of Penguin’s value. But Penguin has already manipulated Maroni into trusting him, so he suggests that they hit back at the Falcone family.

Meanwhile, Montoya and Gordon are parked in the woods. Montoya apologizes to Gordon for trying to arrest him fifty times/telling Barbara he’s a criminal, and finally admits that they are on the same side. She also makes sure that Gordon sent Barbara away, and Gordon is like, “Don’t worry, I put her on a local bus, she’s safe as houses.” I think we all know that if Renee were in charge, Barbara would be sipping champagne on her first class flight to Fiji. This burgeoning bromance is cut short by Alfred slamming Allen’s face into the car and inviting them into Wayne manor.

Gordon and company meet with Bruce Wayne, where Gordon tells him that in case of his impending/almost certain mob death, Montoya and Allen will take over the Wayne murder case. He tells Bruce to trust them, and then Bruce gives him a huge hug, which is adorable-but considering Gordon’s bullet wounds, probably very painful.

Penguin leads Maroni’s men to Falcone’s secret drug shack, where they shoot the place up, killing Nikolai in the process. This means that Fish Mooney is now 0-2 for surviving lovers. WHOMP WHOMP. Frankie turns on Penguin, calling him out for being a sketchy creepster. But what Penguin lacks in strength/leg balance he more than makes up for with cunning and manipulation. He has pinpointed Frankie’s weakness as a cheapskate, and bribed his goons to betray him. They hold Frankie down while Penguin stabs him, then kisses him on the head. You know it’s a weird moment when even the season goons are disturbed.

Maroni and Falcone meet up to call a cease fire on the killing. Falcone pardons Penguin in exchange for a piece of property in Arkham called Indian Hill, a toxic waste dump on top of an Indian burial ground. That sounds like the garden of Eden for super villains. The two mobsters hug it out while Fish seethes in the background.

Gordon is loading up on guns to arrest the entire city when a drunken Bullock shows up to help. He also brought a floozy and promises to take down Gotham with Gordon after he has drunk sex in Gordon’s bed. Stay classy, Bullock. The next day, Gordon and Bullock suit up and arrest the Mayor. They drag him to Falcone’s mansion where they try to arrest Falcone as well. But Falcone is no dummy; he claims he’s got Barbara in the next room. Apparently, Barbara came back to plead with Falcone for Gordon’s life. Is he bluffing? Nope, because the next scene is Barbara and Liza eating muffins in the Falcone kitchen. DAMMIT, BARBARA! You had one job! Also, Liza denies Victor a muffin, which is pretty fucking bold. I’m sure this guy has killed people for less than a croissant.

Falcone brings in Barbara and tells Gordon that they need to work together. According to Falcone, the real enemy of Gotham is anarchy. Organized crime keeps the city organized and running. So Falcone is like the Saddam Hussein of Gotham? Fair enough. Falcone lets the cops go as a gesture of good faith, certain that one day Gordon will see the light.

Once the cops leave with their tails between their legs, Falcone has a muffin and goes out to se his chickens. Guess who’s hiding with the chickens? Penguin! Turns out that Penguin cut a deal with Falcone after Fish busted him: if Falcone orders Gordon to kill him, Penguin will worm his way into the Maroni family and feed info to Falcone. He also told Falcone that Fish and Nikolai were banging/planning to overthrow him. Penguin had faith that Gordon wouldn’t kill him, what with him having a conscience and all. Falcone wonders whether they should have killed Gordon, but Penguin tells him he has faith in the detective. CRISS CROSS!

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button