“Gotham” recap (1.7): Scaly-Faced Bitches Get Stitches

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Welcome back to Gotham, the town teeming with more ambitious villains than Dartmouth’s fraternity rush week! We open with all of our citizens reeling the reveal that the Penguin is still alive. Fish Mooney is throwing a fit and screaming for someone to bring her Gordon, like she’s some sort of Roman emperor (which she very well might be). Back at the station, Gordon calls Barbara and tells her to get out of town, before Bullock punches him in the face and calls him a dumbass.

Bullock is furious with Gordon for breaking the first rule of the Gotham PD: follow through on your cold blooded mob hits! Gordon begs for his help, but Bullock would rather drag his dead body to Falcone and beg for forgiveness. Before he can do that, Gordon knocks him down and escapes.

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Back at home, Barbara is being menaced by Falcone’s thugs because she did not leave town. She has to endure my worst nightmare, which is a creepy guy smelling my hair and guessing my weight like it’s a carnival game. UPSETTING. Luckily, Gordon arrives to beat up the thugs and rescue her.

Gordon puts Barbara on a bus to Out Of Town, but she doesn’t want to leave. Girl, get on the bus! There are literally a million different places I’d rather be than Gotham. I hear Maine is nice this time of year. Also, why did Gordon put her on a bus? Put her on a plane to Paris or Delaware or ANYWHERE else. Gordon tells Barbara he’ll come get her when the situation calms down, or he’ll be dead. Either way, she’s responsible for the bus fare back home.

Gordon returns to the police station, where every cop is staring him down. Captain Essen tells him to GTFO of the city because everyone wants his head, but he’s like nope! Instead, Gordon writes up warrants for the Mayor and Falcone, intending to charge them with the Wayne murder and conspiracy. Essen tells him that no cop/lawyer/judge will help him because everyone is on the take or too scared. Gordon refuses to leave town and is ready to take down the evil empire.

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Meanwhile, Falcone is examining a shipment of chickens and talking to them like he’s Gonzo the Great. Fish and Nikolai want to kill Penguin and Gordon, but Falcone says no. Also, Fish is wearing this insane black feather ensemble that looks like she murdered the black swan and turned her into a crop top. Falcone sends Fish to politely ask Maroni for the Penguin, while he sends Victor Zsasz (notorious Batman villain from the comics) to hunt down Gordon. Nikolai tries to play grabass with Fish, right in front of Falcone. Dude, what part of the down low don’t you understand?

Back at Gotham PD, we meet the notorious Victor Zsasz, who is flanked by two nameless dominatrix henchwomen. Finally, the henchwomen of Gotham are breaking through the glass ceiling! I’m sure they’re only making 70 evil cents on every evil dollar, but it’s a start.

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Victor gets up on a desk and demands that the station turn over Gordon. Gordon responds that they are in a station full of cops, at which point, EVERY cop in the precinct leaves him to dieincluding Essen, who is not happy about it. I’m amazed this department gets anything done ever. Victor and his ladies start shooting up the precinct, and Gordon gets hit in the stomach. He escapes outside to the motor pool, with Victor in hot pursuit. Then, the only honest lady cop in all of Gotham (who isn’t Renee) shows up to see who the fuck is shooting up her car. She’s killed immediately. RIP Only Honest Cop, we hardly knew ye.

Gordon gets shot again, but he is saved by Allen and Montoya, who swoop in to rescue him. Way to go, good cops! Victor rolls up his sleeve and carves a tally mark into his skin with a box cutter to commemorate killing the lady cop. I hope he got a tetanus shot. Gordon wakes up in a clinic, to find that a doctor friend of Montoya’s has patched him up. She tells him to rest, but Gordon refuses and leaps off the table to go arrest the entire city of Gotham.

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