“Gotham” recap (1.4): Girls! Girls! Girls!

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Previously on Gotham, Barbara Kean refused to leave her house on the off chance Renee Montoya stopped by to smoke a doobie or accuse Jim Gordon of some illegal shenanigans. Oswald Cobblepot returned to Gotham City to chop off some people’s feets so he could get himself some restaurant-working shoes. And Bruce Wayne got his first look at a vigilante: A ballon man named Balloonman who sent a bunch of bad guys sailing into the sky. Also Bruce Wayne got beaten in the head with a cane by good ol’ Angry Dumbledore Alfred.

It’s going to be a short one this week, friends, because “Arkham” didn’t offer much in the way of Renee Montoya, but it did offer at some eye-candy in the form of Fish Mooney hiring women to seduce her. It goes like this:

It’s time for the City Council to vote on who gets to do what to the Arkham property sitting in the middle of the city. Carmine Falcone backs a plan that would help him make the most money, Sal Maroni backs a plan that would help him make the most money, and little Bruce Wayne backs a plan his mom and dad created before they died. Of course all the City Council members get picked off one by one by a hit man.

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Well, “picked off” isn’t entirely accurate. What happens is this hit man, who has been hired by both Falcone and Maroni, tracks down the City Council guys and holds out this flute-looking thing (trademark @GothamPodcast) and asks the City Council members to hold it up to an eyeball and the City Council members do that and then a spike comes out and pokes them in the eye and kills them dead. So, like. No victim blaming. But come on, man.

Gordon and Bullock spend most of the episode trying to track down the killer and figure out who exactly is doing the killings, but by the time the day is over, half the City Council is dead and the guy with the stabby flute is on his way to the mayor’s house to finish the deal. Gordon realizes that based on the fact that he found a note in the killer’s desk at work that said like, “P and Q and R” and instead of chalking it up to a Sesame Street obsession he realized the guys guarding the mayor are named “Peter and Quincy and Robert.” So he rushes on over to the mayor’s place and saves him from the stabby flute guy, who, it turns out, had a gun all along but prefers woodwinds torture, I guess.

So the mayor brokers a deal between Falcone and Maroni and everyone wins a little bit, except tiny Bruce Wayne who has just about had it with this city’s bullshit.

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Now, while all of this is going on, Fish Mooney is auditioning girls to come work in her club. The auditions include singing, answering the question “Are you into girls or boys?,” and then trying to seduce Fish regardless. I can’t figure out why she wants a straight girl to be able to get invitations’ to other girls’ pants parties unless she’s trying to find someone to flip Montoya but she knows it has to be someone straight because a gay girl would fall in love with her immediately. Anyway, Fish can’t decide which of the top two girls to hire, so she drives them to a warehouse and is like, “You know the Hunger Games? This is like that, but the prize is you get to work for me.” One of the girls beats down the other girl with three punches, shrugs. Whatever. The job market is tough.

Another thing happening is Oswald Cobblepot is waddling around in his new dish washer guy shoes and spying on the goings on of Maroni at the restaurant. When he sees some goons counting out hundreds of zillions of dollars in cash, he arranges a robber, in which all the employees besides him die, and he hides out in a pantry until Maroni finds him. Maroni thinks that’s exactly the kind of competency he needs running the front for his entire mob operation, so he promotes Ozzie to manager and buys him a new suit. As thanks for helping him pull of a heist, Ozzie buys his new friends some cannolis, which are poisoned, because of course they are.

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And finally, Barbara Kean finally leaves her apartment! First she has a conversation with Jim inside her loft about, “I ordered Thai for dinner and also Renee Montoya is my former girlfriend of exactly one year, which, in straight people years, is seven years.” Jim is piiiiiissed. Not because Babs was with a woman, but because Babs didn’t tell him that woman was Renee Montoya. So ultimately she goes to the police station to explain that she’ll have her secrets, thank you very much, but Jim better ‘fess up about who’s this Cobblepot character?

Jim won’t tell her because he wants to protect her. So she dumps his ass (I think). Welp. I know who is willing to help keep her warm at night. (Hint: It is a kickass Latina goddess, yo.)

Next week: I didn’t see the preview, but my guess is Ozzie kills at least eight more people.

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