“Survivor’s Remorse” recap (1.2): Getting off track

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In the second episode of Survivor’s Remorse, Cam Calloway learns that his newfound fame and fortune comes with a price. Not only does he have to attend charity galas and event premieres to create publicity for his team, he also has to be responsible for the kind of attention he and his family gets as a result of these functions.

Cam and Uncle Julius are chowing down on some gourmet grub from the bomb ass sandwich place down the block, when Cousin Reg and his high-maintenance wife Missy show up in formal wear. Reg urges Cam to put his pants on, but Cam explains that his pants are being held hostage in his room where his mom and sister are getting ready. Cam laments about how much money he had to shell out for their designer dresses and asks Reg if he really has to go to the event. Reg reminds Cam that he signed a contract agreeing to attend 25 events a year and that if he doesn’t show up he will be fined $50,000.

“Nine digit contracts come with some strings attached. Tonight is one of those strings,” Reggie explains.

Though Cam claims it costs him the same amount to clothe himself and his entourage for the night, he manages to get dressed and out the door.

Before they hit the red carpet, M-Chuck announces that she and Uncle Julius are on the prowl for the night. Reggie asks when isn’t she on the prowl and she responds, “When I’m on the shitter.” Then she thinks about it and changes her mind. “No wait. That ain’t true. Because if I sit down and things ain’t moving too fast, I’m scrolling for sexting partners.”

“My niece the multi-tasker!” Uncle Julius says proudly.

M-Chuck and Julius compare goals for the night. While M-Chuck is shooting for a woman with a 26 inch waist and a 34 inch shelf, Uncle Julius will be satisfied if the woman he hooks up with has a full mouth of teeth.

Red Carpet Ready

The Calloway family hit the town and both Cam and his mother, Cassie, are interviewed on the red carpet. Cassie Calloway is asked how she managed to raise such a charming man. Cassie’s secret? Whoopings.

Cassie spanked Cam to keep him in line when he was a kid. Not just with her hand, but with belts, hot wheel tracks and extension cords out of the junk drawer. The interview takes an awkward turn as Momma Calloway explains in detail how spanking Cam helped shape him into the man he is today. But she doesn’t seem to notice. She’s enjoying a little slice of that “Oprah life” as she calls it; She’s enjoying being in the spotlight.

Meanwhile, Uncle Julius begins talking up a beautiful young woman who admits to being a “fame whore” looking to get close to Cam. Uncle Julius praises her for her honesty and give her offers her some truth in return. He informs her that if she wants the privilege of having private time with Cam she had to earn it by spending private time with Uncle Julius. She agrees to give Julius a “taste” of her “sundae” and they disappear for the rest of the night.

The next day, Reggie gets a call from team owner Jimmy Flaherty who is pissed about all the negative publicity Cassie Calloway’s comments have caused. He’s received emails and phone calls, conversations about her controversial statements are trending on twitter, and Mattel has even issued an official statement saying that hot wheel tracks are intended for playing with miniature cars only. What’s worse is that the charity event they were attending last night was a fundraiser to benefit Emily’s House, named for a five-year old girl who was beaten so badly that she now has to wear a helmet to keep her brains in. Flaherty orders Reggie to have Cassie apologize at a press conference he has set up for 2:00 pm that day.

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