“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 3.4 “Spencer’s New Girlfriend”


All along the watchtower — Ashley and Kyla are surveying their territory (that would be all of Los Angeles) from their loft in the sky. Kyla is thrilled with the fact that they have valet parking (is she even old enough to drive?), while Ash is excited about the most important amenity of them all: the loft’s top-of-the-line mother disposal system.

Ashley: You can look for miles and still not even see my mother’s zip code.
Kyla: It’s official — we’re grown-ups.

One of the main perks of being a “grown-up”? Having lady or gentlemen callers whenever you want.

Enter Aiden.

Aiden is all pumped up and ready to heave about some heavy objects when he sees the moving guys exiting the apartment. Whoops. Ash forgot to tell him that she used a portion of her millions to hire movers. Rather than be relieved that he won’t be slathering Tiger Balm all over himself in a few hours, he pitches a mini-fit over the fact that he isn’t needed.

Oh no, Ashley assures him, he is most definitely needed. Cue the porny music as she drags him into her bedroom and begins ripping his clothes off. But wait — before Ashley can tear him to shreds, Aiden whips out a photo of them together and proudly presents it to her.

Ashley: Ew. You look so “boyfriend” in this.
Aiden: Well, that’s what I am, right?
Ashley: Come here, whatever you are.

Aiden looks crestfallen — but just for a second. He surrenders pretty quickly to the temptation of being a boy toy.

Cue the nosy sister/ex-girlfriend who barges into the room to tell Ashley that they’re “famous.” Aiden scrambles to cover his nakedness as Kyla, seemingly unfazed, yammers on about how some guys have made a website dedicated to her and Ash — the new “It Girls” — and how the site has gotten 10,000 views in two hours.

Those stats get Ash’s attention, and she joins Kyla for a trip down Self-Centered Lane. The two check out the pictures of themselves on the website while Aiden stands around with his, um, pillow in his hand. He finally asks them to please hand him his clothes, and when they turn to look at him, you can see that they have the glazed-over eyes of the power-mad.

Hanging on the telephone — Spencer calls to check in on her ex and is greeted with a brusque “What!?” when Ashley answers. She takes it on the chin, per the norm, and breezily asks Ash about her new pad. Ashley gripes about not being able to find her toothbrush. But at least she’s found her vital organs telephone.

Spencer: Now we can finally talk.
Ashley: We talked last night.
Spencer: No, I mean talk talk.

In Ashley’s world, talk talk is not a euphemism for having an intimate conversation. It’s not even a reference to a popular English New Wave band from the olden days. No, it’s just an invitation to go on and on about her new favorite subject: herself. She tells Spencer all about the website, the pictures of her and Kyla at Ego, and how everyone now wants them.

Spencer is visibly disappointed. Ashley is not the person with whom she once fell in love.

Paula peeks into Spencer’s room and finds her on the phone with Ashley. Not realizing that the girls are simply having a really boring one-way “conversation,” she scurries back down to the kitchen to grill Arthur about the girls’ “pillow talk.” How long will it go on, she wonders?

The sad part is that Spencer’s probably asking herself the same question.

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