Oh hey, Faking It, you’re back! It seems like you just left! Wait, you did just leave. Like five minutes ago. It’s not that I’m not happy to see you, it’s just that the place is still kind of messy from, you know, the last time you were here. Anyway come in, come in. Break my heart all over again.
As I think even on lesbians on Mars know at this point, the first season of Faking It took us on one hell of a ride. We were thrilled with the gay homecoming dances, The Twain, Amy’s donut shirt. We were appalled at Liam’s art projects and inept dialogue coaching. And we were pretty much universally upset at the season finale, in which Karma rejected Amy and Amy and Liam drunkenly had sex. The thing that was so divisive, I think, was the way we were upset. Some of us were emotionally wrung dry but satisfied, in that “DAMN YOU, SHONDA RHIMES” type of way, and some of us were infuriated and betrayed in that “DAMN YOU, ILENE CHAIKEN” type of way, and some of us (me included) were a confusing combination of the two. We’re going to have a lot of time this season to revisit these issues, but in the meantime, let’s jump right in.
We start with an overview of last season, with an “OMG CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE” Glee-style voiceover. Faking It, darling, don’t steal things from Glee unless it’s Naya Rivera’s hair or Marley’s hats. If you want to do a voiceover, do my Buffy idea from last season. That was a good idea.
And then we go straight to the moment we’ve all been dreading, when Amy wakes up beside Liam Booker. Ah, there is nothing quite like the morning after a drunken one-night stand.
WHY DO I SMELL LIKE AXE BODY SPRAY AND CHAMPAGNE.
Alcohol does an AMAZING job of blinding to the morality/repercussions of your decisions, but you conscience is waiting for you, tapping its foot impatiently, the second you open your eyes. Your breath is terrible, your head aches, your clothes have mysteriously migrated to far corners of the room, and worst of all you realize you are naked around someone you really, really don’t want to be naked around. To their credit, both Amy and Liam react this way upon emerging from slumber and finding that they had (unprotected!) sex last night.
They are roused by Karma’s knock on the door, and Amy PUSHES LIAM OUT THE WINDOW before she can barge in. (It is my unhappy duty to report that he survives.) While he dangles from the eaves, he is spied by Amy’s mom, who thinks that he was dropped from literal heaven to restore her daughter’s heterosexuality. Also, correct me if I’m wrong but is Liam, like, a lot buffer than he was last night?
ANYTHING TO DISTRACT FROM MY PERSONALITY.
While Farrah praises Jesus, Lauren (HI LAUREN I MISSED YOU) grieves the loss of her boyfriend and the exposure of her mysterious pill secret. She also offers to give Amy’s nana a ride home by tossing off the best line of the evening: “Old people love me; I share their values.”
Upstairs, Karma bursts into Amy’s room, like “I AM SORRY I WAS SO OBLIVIOUS TO YOUR FEELINGS FOR ME; I AM THE WORST. PUNISH ME. SPANK ME IF YOU MUST.” And Amy is like “It’s okay nobody’s perfect please don’t talk so loud and also please turn off the sun.” Karma starts asking did Amy also cry herself to sleep, and did Amy wish for their reconciliation by the light of the same moon? So that train of confusion is still going at full steam, I see.
Outside, Shane and Pablo have fallen asleep holding each other against a decorative lawn tree, which is goddamn adorable, and also: enjoy it while you can, boys. In five years, sleeping against a Japanese maple will wreak a havoc on your back that no amount of romance can make up for.
They start in to kissing until Lauren turns the hose on them and forbids their romantic happiness. Pablo suggests that Shane might be able to smooth things over by apologizing for Lauren for outing her pill habit. Shane rolls his eyes but Pablo reminds him to feed his good wolf. I’m glad that speech is getting referenced again, because it was the most thematically important moment of the season finale. Shane tries to make amends without sacrificing his cattiness, but Lauren does not want mere words from Shane. Lauren is a queen, and queens demand tributes. In this case, Shane may consider himself absolved if he manages to ensure that Tommy stays silent about her secret. Forever.
Also trying to make up for her mistakes is Amy, who pops by her local drugstore for some morning after pill, hilariously called “After Thought.” Karma follows there and tries again to patch things up, but Amy is too overcome by guilt and pregnancy terror to respond. Liam just happens to be in the same holistic drug store, and Karma tells him she’s sorry she lied, but in all fairness he only wanted her because she was a lesbian anyway. They agree they were both at fault and should probably stay out of one another’s lives in the future.
SOUNDS LIKE AN EXCELLENT COURSE OF ACTION TO ME.