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Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (August 24, 2007)

NOTE TO CELEBS: MYSPACE IS NOT PRIVATE! An AfterEllen.com reader tipped us off to the fact that one of the models on the second season of Oxygen’s Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, 18-year-old Kate Heffernan, identifies as a lesbian on her MySpace page. Kate’s official bio doesn’t mention the fact that she’s a lesbian, but her answers to their questions (click on the pink bar at the bottom of the screen that says “find out more about this model”) are carefully worded enough to allow you to think she’s straight, without her actually saying so. I don’t know who she thinks she’s fooling, though. Besides listing her sexual orientation as “lesbian” on her MySpace page, she says she grew up playing basketball, she lists her occupation on MySpace as “Costumed crime fighter,” and when she’s not modeling, she repairs computers. Plus, when asked which models she’s seen at Janice’s agency that she thinks are hot, she answers, “All of them, duh!” She’s so gay! And so cute!

YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH ABOUT KELLY MCGILLIS According to Variety, actress Kelly McGillis has just joined the cast of Showtime’s The L Word for its upcoming fifth season. McGillis will play a military attorney working on a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell case. Though Showtime was unable to confirm further details about her character, my guess is that her story line will involve Tasha (Rose Rollins), but she probably won’t be involved with Tasha romantically (at least not if Alice has anything to say about it).

I first noticed McGillis in 1986 when she played Tom Cruise’s beard Charlie, a civilian flight instructor, in Top Gun. And I admit it: There was a poster of her hanging in my bedroom for a good portion of my teen years. (OK, I thought I got that poster for Tom Cruise, but really, in retrospect …) You might also remember McGillis as Amish mother Rachel Lapp in Witness (1985) opposite Harrison Ford. And in The Accused (1988), she played an attorney representing a rape victim played by Jodie Foster. Jodie, of course, won an Oscar for that performance. Kelly, on the other hand, got herself an enduring rumor that she had a romance with Jodie Foster. I can’t decide which one is a better prize.

In recent years, Kelly’s been off the Hollywood radar, though she’s kept herself busy with several stage productions, including a nationally touring version of The Graduate in which she took on the iconic role of Mrs. Robinson. But the one role that you should all know her for (if you don’t already) is that of poetry professor Diana Maitland in The Monkey’s Mask (2000).

Although the Australian movie is based on Dorothy Porter’s critically acclaimed novel in verse, the film version didn’t do so well. That could have been because of the gaping plot holes, or it could have been because of the tawdry lesbian sex. Yes, Kelly takes it all off in The Monkey’s Mask, in which her character has a passionate liaison with a lesbian private eye. Depending on which reviewer you believe, the sex in the film was either convincingly distracting from the poorly conceived plot or entirely unbelievable. I guess I’ll you’ll just have to watch it and find out for yourself.

CABLE’S EXPENSIVE ENOUGH; WHO CAN AFFORD THERAPY? As we reported last week, Portia de Rossi and Joely Richardson will be playing an eerily twin-like lesbian couple on the upcoming season of Nip/Tuck. This week, new (and disturbing) spoilers have emerged about their potential story line. (So skip to the next page now if you don’t want to be spoiled!) According to E! Online’s Watch With Kristin:

Julia and her new girlfriend (played by Ms. Portia de Rossi) — yes, I said girlfriend — will be the victims of a violent crime this year. I’m hearing the pair is kidnapped, sexually assaulted and left to deal with the emotional ramifications of the event for many episodes to come. So, yeah, just another happy-go-lucky season of N/T in store for you, for which you will need therapy afterward.
Sadly, a story line involving two lesbians who are kidnapped and sexually assaulted isn’t that far from reality – women are the predominant victims of violent crime – but putting that story line on Nip/Tuck, which often plays fast and loose with everything, doesn’t exactly make us eager to tune in, even if the idea of seeing Portia involved with Joely Richardson is intriguing.

Of course, the spoiler might be wrong (and Nip/Tuck would not confirm to us whether or not it was true), but the bigger problem remains: Lesbians aren’t usually seen as viable recurring or regular characters on television. Other than major exceptions such as South of Nowhere (which airs on the hard-to-find channel The N) and The L Word (which airs on the pricey pay cable channel Showtime), lesbian and bisexual characters are usually only given one-episode chances.

Sometimes that one episode delivers a complicated character, such as a recent State of Mind episode that burst a lot of stereotypes about lesbian moms (even though it did present the stereotypes first as paper tigers to be knocked down), or results in a laugh-out-loud depiction of the lesbian “community,” as in the Season 2 opener of The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman. But when lesbians finally get to be recurring characters on a show that’s available to most viewers, why, oh why, do they have to be sexually assaulted? Note to Nip/Tuck: Violence against women is nothing new, nor is violence against lesbians. If you’re trying to stay edgy, you’ve missed the boat by about a thousand years.

However, perhaps because I have a tiny Pollyanna trapped behind all my pent-up lesbian separatist furor, I’m willing to be hopeful. Maybe the “emotional ramifications” of the violent assault will actually be interesting.

But Sarah tells me I’m smokin’ crack to believe that.

LESBIAN QUOTE OF THE WEEK “They do think that Luke isn’t my real boyfriend. They think I’m a lesbian and that I just haven’t realised it yet, or that I’m faking it. I don’t mind and I’m incredibly flattered that I’ve managed to reach this whole group of people who have been traditionally s— on over the years by society. As far as I am concerned, you can fall in love with whoever you like whether it is a woman or a man.”

K.T. Tunstall to Scottish newspaper The Daily Record on her lesbian fans, who believe her relationship with drummer Luke Bullen is fake (thanks to notshane for the tip).

NEWSFLASH: LESBIANS STILL TRAPPED IN THE MISOGYNISTIC CLOSET R&B artist R. Kelly‘s 23-chapter (so far) hip-hop opera, Trapped in the Closet, can be a bit difficult to wrap your mind around. (Here’s an interesting analysis from Slate.com.)

First off, there’s the fact that it’s from R. Kelly, who is standing trial this September on child pornography charges. Then there’s the fact that it’s about as curse-happy as you can get – definitely do not watch this online while you’re at the office! And then comes some news that makes me both afraid yet strangely drawn to Kelly’s series: Chapter 16 introduces a lesbian couple.

Yes, cue the collective groan. But once you watch it (the entire series is now streaming on IFC.com), it becomes clear that nothing is as simple as it seems. (Is anything? OK, well, maybe Lindsay’s alleged possession of cocaine.)

In Chapter 16, Roxanne and Tina are both working at their diner while having an argument (sung in R. Kelly’s famous R&B vocal stylings) with Sylvester (Kelly) and Twan, who may be Tina’s baby daddy. When Twan asks Tina if she wants to get back together with him, Roxanne kisses Tina and tells Twan that Tina’s with her now (in much more colorful language).

Here’s the smooch (Roxanne’s on the left, Tina’s on the right): In Chapter 17, which picks up right after Sylvester and Twan are totally shocked by this unexpected development, Sylvester waves a gun at the two women and says, “Y’all lucky I like that kinda s—, or I would have shot both of y’all.”

Infuriated, Twan demands, “You’re gonna let them get away with this s—?”

Sylvester says in disgust at Twan’s reaction, “What? Kissing?” He leaves, and Twan, who is weaponless (in more ways than one, in my opinion), ultimately has to follow (after hurling a lot more curse words at the women for daring to not adore him in all his sexist glory).

Ya know what, Twan? Roxanne could totally kick your ass, and you’re lucky she let you get away with your s—. Jeez.

KATHLEEN TURNER TELLS SARAH PAULSON WHAT TO DO Earlier this month at the Williamstown Theatre Festival in western Massachusetts, Kathleen Turner made her directorial debut with Beth Henley’s Pulitzer Prize-winning play, Crimes of the Heart, about three reunited Southern sisters played by Jennifer Dundas, Lily Rabe and out actress Sarah Paulson. The reviews of the production, which has finished its brief 11-day run, were quite positive. EW.com says of Turner’s directing: “Her touch is practically imperceptible — the sign of any well-directed show.” And their opinion of Paulson’s acting? “Sarah Paulson (Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip) finds the protectiveness beneath Meg’s playfulness — she may be a drinker, a liar, and a heartbreaker, but she’ll throw everything over for her siblings.” Variety says that Turner’s “cast in the Williamstown Theater Festival production is on key, with hardly a false note throughout.”

All I know is, if I were Sarah Paulson, I’d have a really hard time concentrating while being directed by Kathleen Turner, because her voice would simply mesmerize me. Line? Line, please!

THE REAL WORLD‘S BROOKE GETS MEAT-TAGGED Remember 24-year-old Brooke LaBarbera from The Real World: Denver (2006)? Me neither – I gave up watching that show about six seasons back – but apparently Brooke was a heterosexual girl from Nashville, Tenn., who flirted heavily with her gay male housemate and had a penchant for verbal sparring. Later that year, 18-year-old out lesbian/bisexual contestant Evelyn “Ev” Smith competed on the 12th season of the Real World/Road Rules challenge, Fresh Meat, and was eliminated too quickly for anyone to get to know her very well.

Here’s a look at the official cast photos of our lovely contestants (that’s Brooke on the left, Ev on the right): Fast-forward a year, and Good As You tipped us off that Brooke has now come out as bisexual, according to her MySpace profile, and she and Ev are apparently dating. (Seriously, someone should give MySpace a toaster oven!) On her profile, Brooke describes the person she’d most like to meet as “anyone that could possibly compare to the sexiness of this fine specimen shown right here. Oh wait, that’s not possible …” accompanied by a photo of Ev. Her profile prominently features several other photos of them together, like this one: Ev’s MySpace profile, though set to be viewed only by friends, uses this as her default profile photo: Between these two, the bi housemate currently on The Real World: Sydney, all the past lesbian, bi and gay cast members, and Coral finally coming out, they could make the next season of the Real World/Road Rules challenge entirely queer: lesbian/bi women vs. gay/bi men, gays and lesbians vs. bisexuals, or even LGBTs versus bi-curious women. Wait, scratch that last one – there would be far too many people on the bi-curious team for a fair fight, especially if alcohol was supplied.

Here’s a funny Talk Soup segment featuring Brooke in a starring role commenting on the kind of women The Real World likes to cast, and how they tend to be portrayed: Oh to be young, drunk, and screaming at people on national television.

AT LEAST WE KNOW IT’S NOT A SHOTGUN WEDDING Speaking of MTV, the Aug. 13th episode of their documentary series Engaged and Underage – which focuses on the wedding plans of a different naive optimistic young couple each week – featured the wedding of two young women, Cassie and Emmelie. Watch the intro below (then go to MTV.com to watch the full episode online):

 

All I can say is, talk to me when you’re 30 and have broken up and gotten back together three times before finally splitting up for good to begin dating your yoga instructor and best friend’s ex-girlfriend while continuing to share custody of the dog and debating whether to appear together on MTV’s latest reality show, Enraged and Overage.

Uh, I mean, best wishes, you two!

LESBIANS: WHETTING YOUR APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION Best-selling novelist (and out lesbian) Val McDermid (Wire in the Blood) has a new book out, Beneath the Bleeding, but the U.K. has recently been abuzz over renewed attention to comments Ian Rankin made last year about lesbians being violent. (To make a long story short, he made ill-advised remarks about how he thinks most violent crime fiction is written by lesbians, among them McDermid.) Last week at the Edinburgh International book Festival, McDermid and fellow crime writer Denise Mina spoke about the subject, with McDermid characterizing Rankin’s 2006 comments as “arrant rubbish.” The media quickly picked up on the story, with a Times headline reading, “Revenge of the bloodthirsty lesbians.”

In an interview with the Guardian shortly afterward, McDermid said of the media spin: “It’s preposterous nonsense. It makes me sound as if I’m some kind of ghastly bloodsucking demon, who shouldn’t be allowed near small children. It doesn’t help when the media uses such headlines, making me appear as if I have my meat cleaver ready to chop Rankin’s gonads off.”

She continued: “It couldn’t be further from the truth. I take my cooking seriously.”

Me too. Don’t anybody get between me and my Wüsthof precision-forged carbon steel Culinar chef’s knife!

WHAT A TEESE! This week rapper Eve, who has a new album coming out next month, is on the cover of HX, aka Homo Extra, which describes itself as “the Totally Biased, Politically Incorrect Party Paper, the hottest guide to gay nightlife and culture in New York City!Um, OK then.

In the interview, Eve reveals: “I’ve had people tell me straight up and down that I was gay — I still get it from people. I get more accusations than I actually do get hit on now.” She continues: “Gay women are way more aggressive than men — I will definitely say that. [Laughs] But it doesn’t bother me.” Uh, where are these overly aggressive lesbians? I’m curious, since they’re a rare breed.

Anyway, the point is, like any good gay rag, HX asked Eve which ladies she’d switch teams for. Her answer: “My girl crush is Angelina Jolie. That’s an everybody girl-crush — that’s my dog’s crush! [Laughs] There is one more person: Dita Von Teese. I’m obsessed with her! I want a Dita Von Teese doll and I’ll be happy. She’s just bananas!”

Here’s Dita, who was recently featured on IFC’s documentary series Indie Sex: If they do make a Dita Von Teese doll, can it get a cameo on We’re Getting Nowhere, our new South of Nowhere video blog? I’ll bet she’d put the antics of those other dolls to shame.

VIDEO BLOGS KILLED THE RADIO STAR By now you’ve probably noticed the video blogs we’ve been launching on AfterEllen.com. Last month, it was She Made Me Watch This, with Sarah and Lori reviewing the latest movies and TV shows. Then earlier this month, Karman, Dara and Jill Bennett started vlogging the latest South of Nowhere episodes on We’re Getting Nowhere, and next month, we’re debuting a weekly video blog about women of color in entertainment, hosted by me and a friend of mine. (We can’t compete with Jill’s cleavage, but we’ve got a few tricks up our sleeves! No, not those kinds of tricks.)

Now we’re looking for a few more good video bloggers – women who want to vlog on a weekly basis about something entertainment or pop-culture related, from a lesbian/bi perspective (note: it does not need to be about American entertainment/pop culture, but it does need to be in English). It’s more work than it seems, so you’ll need to send us a few episodes to show that you know what you’re getting into. And you’ll have to be doing it primarily for the fame and glory, since we can’t pay much – but on the plus side, you’ll have lots of cute lesbians leaving you comments on a regular basis!

If you’re interested, create at least three 5 to 20-minute vlog episodes, upload them to one of the many free video services online (i.e., veoh.com, dailymotion.com, vimeo.com, etc.) and send us the links at [email protected] with “Video blog submission: (your name)” in the subject line. (Do not send us the actual video blogs!)

If you’re already doing a weekly vlog and just want us to feature it on the site, that’s fine too (send us the links), as long as it’s related to entertainment or pop culture. And doesn’t involve dolls making out – we’ve already got that covered, thanks to Karman. (So that’s what those “special projects” are!)

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! British website Lovegirls.co.uk has launched a “Wall of Kisses,” to which you can submit photos of yourself smooching your girl.

A new play from Latina writer Odalys Nanin, Skin of Honey, will open on Sept. 15 at the Macha Theatre in Los Angeles. The play tells the tale of two lesbian teenagers torn apart by the 1961 Bay of Pigs invasion into Cuba, who are reunited again after 20 years apart.

AfterEllen.com reader Hollywood Maria let us know that out lesbian contestant Whip-Snap was eliminated on the Sci Fi Channel’s Who Wants to be a Superhero last night. But at least we still have…

Out lesbian contestant Chantal Carrere, who survived another week on ABC’s Fat March; tune in Monday night at 9 p.m. to see how many more miles she logs on her way to Washington, D.C.

That’s it for this week! Check back next Friday for another edition of Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.

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