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“The Fosters” recap (2.10): Groundhog Day

Previously on The Fosters, Callie’s life was kind of getting good until she kissed Brandon and ran away with the hair model, then stole a candy bar, ended up back in juvie, then at Girls United, then back with Stef and Lena but couldn’t get adopted because her dad was not really her dad. She spent this season with her fate being decided by Jack McPhee and his stepford family. Oh, and Girls United burned down because Callie catches all the breaks. Brandon lost Callie, made a billion fake IDs, grew a conscience, got beat up so he couldn’t play classical piano anymore but could take his Ross Gellar helicopter sounds and be in a band. He got high, told Lena that he had sex with Dani and then broke the news to Stef and Mike who had Dani’s ass thrown in jail. Mike didn’t kill Ana so much as put her up in a hotel and help her get clean so she could ambush Mariana at a street festival to make amends.

Jude and Connor hung out until Connor’s dad told him he couldn’t hang with Jude because Jude is a righteous homosexual. Jude and Connor almost kissed, Jude gave the world the silent treatment and then disappeared off the face of the planet for two episodes while Sherri Saum had some beautiful babies. Mariana made the dance team, dyed her hair to fit in with the plastics, had some serious identity issues, yelled at Hayley and Jesus, and had a weirdly sweet date with Mat. Jesus and Emma broke up and seven seconds later he had sex with Hayley, a stage 12 clinger, and ended up tattooing her name on her ribs because she asked him to. Stef and Lena went on a babymoon, finally sold the bed, convinced Spermothy to stop being a wanker and sign the papers, Lena lost out on becoming principal, and they both lost their baby.

Callie drops by Rita’s house for a little chat. Rita kinda freaked out by Callie just showing up so she tries to shove a pizza box under her couch and pretend she doesn’t live with dirty dishes all over. Callie explains that the internet exists and you can get people’s addresses pretty easily. Callie asks how Girls United is and Rita says pretty shitty since we don’t have a house and no one wants to rent to us, plus our fire insurance premium is through the roof. Callie asks if they could buy a house. Oh if wishes were dollar bills they could. Maybe it’s for the best, Rita is tired of fighting.

At the Peach Pit, Callie tells Daphne that Rita can’t give up but Daphne doesn’t blame her. She doesn’t get a lot of thanks for what she does. Now, if only someone knew a rich, guilt-ridden dude with wads of cash lying around. In walks Robert Quinn. He says he sorry for not calling and following the rules but all the men in Callie’s life are outlaws (song now available on iTunes) and he wanted to tell her something face-to-face.

Around the wholesome dinner table in the dream kitchen, Jesus is defending his need to “study” with Hayley every night. Mariana calls Hayley needy and Jude chimes in that Connor is kind of needy. Oh Judicorn, I’ve missed you. Callie rushes in late from work. Lena breaks the news that the new principal starts the next day. Mariana and Stef hate her on principle (see what I did there?). Callie has news too, Robby Quinn said he would throw a fundraiser for Girls United. Callie asks everyone to come and for Brandon’s band to play. Oh by the way, Robert signed the abandonment papers. Callie is free to be an Adams Foster!

Brandon is playing his new love song in the garage and Lou is all McKayla Maroney on the song. She doesn’t do ooey gooey love songs and wants it to have an edge. They make eyes at each other for a second before she leaves for a date and Mat takes over warning brandon not to date Lou because it will totes break up the band.

The twins are inside helping clean up and Mariana wants to know if they can see Ana. Stef says yes and Jesus launches into a speech about how he never wants to see Ana and how she’s just going to cry and moan about how life was so hard. Mariana snaps that he doesn’t have to go. He leaves her to take out the trash. Lena watches Mariana walk out and voices her resentment toward Ana who got to carry her babies and then didn’t take care of them.

The next day Principal Monty tells Lena that she will happily take care of the money and allow Lena to make all the education choices. Sounds good, right? Jude walks in and he’s got something to tell his mom about Connor.

Rita, Callie, and the Quinns are sitting around planning a casual garden party for San Diego’s richest families. They will want Rita and Callie to speak and Robert thought it would be cool if they could bring the girls out from juvie to entertain the guests. Not exactly how it works bucko. Next they want to know how they should introduce Callie. Does “daughter I abandoned because I was a chickenshit 20-year-old” work or would she prefer something else? She says friend will be just fine and Sophia flips. What does Callie mean, Sophia can’t brag about being her sister? She asked her daddy for a sister and she want it now! Dear god I hope she gets sucked up the tube from the chocolate river soon. Callie offers to come over to help set up and Sophia says why don’t you sleep over so I can make a mask of your face, er, do normal sister stuff. Callie agrees in the way you agree to play Candyland even after you outgrew it because it meant a lot to your little cousin.

Connor’s dad is indignant that Lena would think that he hit Connor in the face when the fact is that he was trying to hit Connor on the behind and Connor ran into a door jam (seriously, this isn’t me cracking weird jokes). Lena excuses Connor so she can talk to the guy who thinks it’s cool to spank a teenager. He gets pissed and blames her for letting Connor sleep in the same tent as homosexual unicorn, Jude Adams Foster. Lena gets pissed right back. Jude hasn’t said if he’s gay or not and Connor dad is acting like a textbook bully.

Back at home Jude apologizes and Lena tells him it’s not his fault. She knew Connor wasn’t supposed to sleep at their house but she didn’t think the rules applied to the tent convention. Jude says maybe he and Connor shouldn’t be friends and Lena tells him it’s not the answer. Jude is concerned as to whether Connor’s dad hit him and Lena says he didn’t hit him in the face. After he goes, Stef suggests that maybe Jude should make other friends with non-crazy parents and Lena tells her that with that kind of attitude we would never had a civil rights movement. OK, so it’s hyperbole day, I guess. Stef asks about the new principal and Lena flounces out of the room noting that Monty is more supportive than her wife.

Jesus is looking at his atrocious tattoo when Mariana wants into the bathroom to get some nail polish. He wraps a towel around his chest, which she pulls off and is so excited to tell the moms about their idiot son. To shut her up, Jesus agrees to do anything Mariana wants.

Mariana picks going with her to meet Ana. Mike leads them in, Stef says she will stay with the kids and then sends them to the couch to listen to what Ana has to say. Ana thanks Stef for allowing her to speak to the kids and Stef tells her that it was up to the kids. Ana can’t think of how to start to apologize for being a terrible mother. So she says she is most ashamed of loving getting high more than she loved her kids. Ana has been a great villain on this show. It was easy to hate her which is what made this scene more surprising for me. I couldn’t help feeling for her and for the kids and for Stef all at once.

Back at Anchor Beach, we’ll assume Jesus and Mariana are cutting school, Lena is explaining that she has to send a letter about bullying to the district and Monty tells her to stop right there. Lena can’t use her position as Vice Principal to retaliate against Connor dad because he’s being a douchenozzle about Jude. Lena tells her that she’ll use her position as a parent instead.

In the hall, Connor asks Jude why he didn’t just ask Connor if his dad used his face as a punching bag. Jude did ask and Connor wouldn’t answer. Judicorn knows what it’s like to get hit and to be afraid to speak up, so he spoke up for Connor. Connor asks if Jude told Lena about what they did in the tent, Jude didn’t but of course now we all want to know.

Back at Mike’s house of self-guided AA, Ana wants to know if Mariana has anything to say. Woo boy, does she ever. She tells Ana that she feels nothing because Ana is nothing more than a sad stranger to her. Stef’s a little teary when Mariana storms by on her way for the door. Jesus tells Ana not to cry and she stops him. She reminds him that he always took care of her no matter how horrible she was. Suddenly, everything with Hayley makes a lot more sense to Stef.

Back at home, Mariana is lying on her bed looking miserable when Lena comes in. It’s nice to see Lena these days without a potted plant, sofa, pillow fort, or cello in front of her hiding Sherri Saum’s pregnancy. Mazel Tov on the twins, we’re thrilled you’re no longer a floating head! Mariana is ready to call Lena out on some bullshit. Remember that time you told me DNA doesn’t make a family and then you turned into a crazy sperm seeking missile? What the hell was that, Mom? Lena starts to answer but Mariana is pretty done with people today and says it sucks that she’ll always be adopted and that she’ll always be connected to Ana. Lena wishes that she could have carried Mariana and that she could have been there for her from the beginning. The thing she learned when she lost Frankie was that you carry a baby for a short time in your womb but you carry them forever in you heart. She tells Mariana that giving birth to her wouldn’t make her love her more just like it wouldn’t make Mariana love Lena more either.

Have you ever unfolded a map and then not been able to figure out how to refold it back into it’s original, crisp package? Suddenly, it’s seems gigantic and you can’t figure out where it folds and you can’t put it all back the way it was before. I think kids are like that. I don’t think it matters where they come from. They unfold you like that map. Your heart, your mind, your imagination, your capacity to love unfolds and instead of only seeing the edges of part of the little map; the limits of your town or city, the limits of your own experience, you can see the whole landscape. They pull you out of yourself, they take off your little blinders, and give you the means to see with new eyes. Your heart unfolds whether you’re related by blood or love or random circumstance and there’s nothing you can do to fold it back in again.

After they hug, Mariana has a favor to ask.

Stef, in her bed time uniform of a sports inspired jersey, is doing her best Along Came Polly impression and chucking throw pillows from the bed when Lena glides in. “Hey gurl, how are you?” Stef asks and Lena lies down, settles in and says, “I quit my job today.” Stef’s eyes bug out and MORTGAGE flashes across them.

In the garage, Lou is singing Brandon’s new lyrics about how she’s a maneater. She calls him an ass. They bicker for a bit more and then start making out, as you do. Across town and tax brackets, Sophia is working on her angst street cred by telling Callie about all the depressing music she listens to because her life is one big privilege and she needs to feel. Callie says she doesn’t so much need the depressing music because her life is a parade of disasters. She says Brandon’s band is good and Sophia calls her sister out for being in loooooove with Brandon. Ugh Brallie, not dead yet! Callie says Brandon is just her best friend not her lovah! Callie starts to leave but Sophia says the guest room is haunted, filled with corpses, frequented by A, and otherwise a total death trap so Callie should sleep in her bed where she can stare creepily at her all night long until she Single White Females her.

The next morning, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman walks in and can’t help but be taken in by the creepy adorableness of the clones. When Callie walks downstairs, Robert is setting up a display of the photos she took of the girls to try to help them find permanent homes. The Adams Fosters roll up and the moms squeeze Callie. Mariana walks in with her hair back to its lovely shade of not bleached and everyone rejoices. They head to the pool to hang with Rita but Stef stops to find out what Jesus is doing on his phone. Shockingly, Hayley is freaking out again but Jesus needs to take care of himself for once.

Outside, Lena is admiring the splendor of the Quinn’s luxurious mansion and Stef cracks that they will be lucky to keep their house on one income. The Quinns walk up and are thrilled to meet Lena. They tell her about the fundraiser they held for Obama and points out their three black friends in the crowd. They thank him for helping Girls United and for signing the damn papers so they can adopt Callie.

While Robert introduces the fundraiser and thanks everyone for coming, Mat takes the opportunity to hit on Mariana. He tells her he digs brunettes but that she looks like someone he knows. He leans in to kiss her but gets called up to the stage to play. While they do their Peach Pit After Dark thing, Rita starts chatting with Callie and thanks her for asking Robert to help out Girls United. Rita wants to know why Callie doesn’t want anything from Robert when he so clearly loves her and wants to be a father to her. Rita, please butt out now, mmkay?

On the balcony, our mom aged lovers are bickering over Lena quitting her job. Maybe she could get it back if she asked real nice, Stef says but Lena isn’t ready to back down from this fight. No one puts Judicorn in the corner or her watch. Mike sidles up and Lena takes the opportunity to be anywhere but talking to her wife. Stef tells Mike that she thinks Lena is hurting after losing out on the job and then losing the baby and dammit this is a thing she can control. Jude overhears them talking.

Callie gets called to the stage to speak and tells everyone about her time at Girls United, how amazing Rita is, and how Robert is her dad. Rita walks up and tearfully tells everyone how she considers herself the luckiest woman on the face of the earth. Sophia pulls Callie inside, giddy at the thought of being acknowledged as Callie’s sister and spills the fact that she stole the abandonment papers and tore them up. Dude, Sophia, I wanted to like you but you are a horrid, little thing.

Outside the moms and Jude are having a little chat. Jude wants to know if Lena quit her job because of him. Jude tells Lena that she shouldn’t stand up for him because he did something on the camping trip that was wrong. What are we talking about, Jude? Pot brownies? Smoking? Smooching on Connor?

Sophia is breathlessly telling her dad why she ripped up the mail. She wanted a sister and no mean old Mr. Wonka is going to keep her from her dream! Callie tells her that the Fosters are her family and Robert sends his misguided daughter away. Callie asks how long until Robert can get new copies and he says he can’t, he won’t sign the paper again. Callie tells him that she doesn’t love him and that she will never live in his house. He wants her to be happy so long as it’s on his terms (what is it with the men on this show?!). She runs off and tells Sophia she’s not her sister but a spoiled brat which is harsh but also accurate.

Callie starts running and it’s weird because I swear I’ve seen this before. Sophia locks herself in her bathroom while Brandon runs after Callie. Holy deja vu, Batman! She sits next to Brandon and yammers about what she gave up to be adopted and- good Christ!-she’s talking about him! She kisses him and I have a feeling that every midseason finale is going to end with these two smooching.

What did you think of the episode and of this half season? Thanks for hanging around all season, we’ll see you all back in December.

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