Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Alison DiLaurentis was trouble when she walked in. (Trouble, trouble, trouble.) Emily was like, “Stay, stay, stay! I’ve been lovin’ you for quite some time, time, time!” And Hanna was all, “You don’t have to call anymore. I won’t pick up the phone. This is the last straw. Don’t wanna hurt anymore. And you can tell me that you’re sorry, but I don’t believe you, baby, like I did before.” Spencer was like, “Forgetting you was like trying to know somebody I never met.” And Aria didn’t really have a Taylor Swift song for Ali because Taylor Swift is just way too mainstream for her, except she really likes that one that T-Swizzle wrote for John Mayer about how pathetic it is to lure girls half your age into your bed/web of deceit.
Alison’s dad has returned from Out of Town to the news that the police caught the guy who killed and kidnapped all the blonde-haired ladies in Rosewood, just wandering around in the Marin’s backyard, home to known blonde teen Hanna Marin. His name is Cyrus Petrillo and has confessed, in detail, to doing all the things Ali said he did, but that’s not enough for a murder conviction in Rosewood. They gotta find a shovel on your person to send you away in this town. So, according to Wackadoodle Law, Alison has to officially name him as her kidnapper, despite the fact that she said she was blindfolded the whole time, and she has 48 hours to do it, or Cyrus is free to go do more mayhem.
Mr. DiLaurentis goes, “Where is Alison?” And Tanner’s face is like, “Maybe if you had a better handle on that she wouldn’t keep getting buried alive.”
In the interrogation room, Mr. D tries to get Ali to say Cyrus is the bad guy; instead, she says, “I don’t know.”
“YOU SAID YOU DON’T KNOW?” Spencer screeches the very next second, in a fun bit of editing that lands Ali in the room with the other Liars. They are staged on the complete opposite side of her, all four of them, for the first time this season. And Spencer isn’t done. She’s like, “Just a quick reminder: you were not actually kidnapped.” But it’s time for an Ali Plan. Obviously, she says, A set up this confession so Ali would name Cyrus and then A would bust her as a Liar. So obviously, she says, what they need to do is let this guy go. So obviously they can follow him to A. And then obviously shut down A’s deal, once and for all. Even Aria is like, “The only thing that is obvious is that when this plan inevitably backfires, we are all going to jail. Besides you somehow.”
Spencer has had it, dudes. As the Liars are leaving Ali’s, walking by a full dozen cops, she’s like, “And well thank god these guys are here so none of us get imaginary-kidnapped!” And Aria goes, “…by a Montana sheep farmer!” Spencer pats her head. It’s nice that she’s trying, at least. Emily would like them to please keep their voices down. Hanna doesn’t give a damn what they do, if you want to know the truth; she just wants to stand there in her gay outfit with her gay haircut looking gay and you can deal with it. Spencer convinces Emily to go back in and use her puppy dog eyes/boobs to keep Ali in line while she goes home to hide Noel’s #PLLinsurance, even though the best person at hiding things is Hanna, and even she couldn’t think of anything better to do with her mom’s gun than bury it in the ground in the backyard of a frat house using a plastic cup as a shovel during the middle of a rager.
Emily’s plea for Ali to please not dive into an A trap and name Cyrus is somewhat ineffective on account of it is interrupted by Ali’s dad begging for the exact opposite thing. He’s like, “Tell her, Em.” And she’s like, “Uh, yeah, Ali” while vigorously shaking her head behind Mr. D’s back.
Tanner really wants to pin every crime ever committed in Rosewood on this dude. She wants to nail him for Ali’s kidnapping and Jessica’s murder and Bethany Young’s also. I mean, you can’t blame her. Once this deal is done she can go back to solving easier cases. Like deciphering the Zodiac letters and figuring out who wrote the Voynich Manuscript and the discerning the identity of Jack the Ripper and uncovering the mystery of Stonehenge and pinpointing the exact location of Atlantis. Life sure made more sense when she was trying to track down the Loch Ness Monster.
Across town, Ella is melting down on the phone with various wedding vendors who have never heard of a wedding falling through. Like she’s trying to cancel the banquet hall but they’re suggesting she come have a meal by herself in a room arranged for a 300-person dinner. She yells about how she’s a sad spinster like from some old Victorian novel, but Aria takes the phone from her hand and funnels chamomile tea down her throat, which is nice, but she looks like she could really use some good day-drinking at this point. Lord, to see Ashley and Ella getting drunk together before lunch, giving voice to the deep truths of this world. Ella says she is not very good at identifying pedocreeps, something she will prove again at the end of the episode when she encourages Aria to let Ezra put a baby in her or something.