“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.9): A little bit loud, a little bit crazy

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Ella’s fiance got grossly pervy on Hanna, a thing that made Hanna’s best friends in all of life call her a slut in eleven different ways and made me lose my goddamn mind. Spencer and Emily bebopped up the countryside, trying to find a horse to help them deconstruct Bethany Young’s relationship with Mrs. DiLaurentis, but unlike sweet Tippi with her gentle clue crooning, the horse kicked Spencer right in the eyeball. Aria, meanwhile — you know, I actually don’t even remember. I was so upset by what she said to Hanna. Let’s just assume she wore something printed with skulls and earrings made of werewolf finger bones and mentioned to anyone who would listen that she didn’t murder that Costumeshop girl the NYPD found in that theater in New York. Didn’t even know her. Had never even been to New York. Had never even heard of New York. And Ali hired Noel Kahn to break into Hanna’s house and wave a butcher knife around in the shadows.

Alison cannot believe how stupid her stupid friends are behaving right now. For starters, Hanna is acting like Ali is some kind of monster for paying someone to break into Hanna’s house and terrorize her mother. For a second thing, Spencer had the audacity to look at the security camera footage in her own back/graveyard and deduce that Ali’s presence there means she’s lying to them and also can Apparate. For a third thing, Aria didn’t even show up to her SOS text. Ali’s intonation leads me to believe this is the most egregious of all the Liars’ offenses tonight. Like WTF, Aria? It was an SOS! Emily tries to coax Ali back inside the realm of Acting Normal, Bitch — but Ali will not hear it! She clomps out to go call her dad.

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Spencer: Probably she paid someone to attack her in her living room that day you “saved her life,” Em.
Emily: That better have been for real, dude. My other swimming shoulder got clobbered in that scuff up. I can barely hold a pencil now.
Hanna: Emily, take me home with you.
Emily: We’ve talked about this. You cannot be gay for one person.
Hanna: Then take me home with you in a not-gay way. Please. I think Ali peed on my doorknob.
Spencer: Everything is the worst, including: I’m going blind, I think.
Emily: I gotta go; wrestle that flask away from Hanna if you’re feeling froggy.

Emily is riding her bike home on the sidewalk—which is illegal in every city I’ve ever lived in, but frankly I’m starting to wonder if Rosewood even has laws—when she spots Noel Kahn sitting in his car in the middle of the town square listening to recordings of Ali and Shana just as loud as the volume will go, windows down and everything. Emily knocks over like a trash can or something and Noel realizes he’s been peeped. He speeds away leaving Emily stranded on the street with a broken bike. Her face is mystified. This guy couldn’t have listened to this stuff in his bedroom with the door closed? He doesn’t own some headphones?

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The next morning Ashley flits into Hanna’s bedroom to ask if she and Ali want to go shopping this afternoon to get their minds off the fact that they were almost hacked into pieces last night by an intruder, and also to buy something fancy for Ella and Zack’s engagement party. There’s a hot second where Hanna is thinking about it but once Ashley clarifies that “you girls” means “you and Ali” and not “you and literally any other Liar except Ali,” Hanna shrugs it off. Also, she’s not going to that party anyway because Zack is a full-on skeezehole, but she doesn’t even try to explain that to her mom because the three people who should have believed her and hugged her so close as soon as the words were out of her mouth called her a whore when she told them what happened.

From the bathroom, Ali yells, “Han, where’s your moisturizer?” And Ashley is like, “Use mine; it’s next to those bath salts Hanna is not allowed to touch!”

And then Ashley finds Hanna’s flask. Because she’s the absolute greatest, she goes, “I get that this is about self-medicating your nuclear-level anxiety. I’m dialed in now. But: a) do you know how many carbs is in this much whiskey? With wine, you’ve got low-cal options at least. And b) Do you think being out of control right now is a very good idea? Walk it back, honey. Lock it up. There are prowlers on the loose.”

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Hanna’s face is like, “No shit, and Ella is lined up to marry one of them.”

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