“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.08): You want I should whack him?

You know sometimes when you meet your girlfriend’s friends for the first time and you’re like, “Really, honey? Really?” Well Jane is having that experience, times 100. Prof. Beard is rambling on with a story about how he left his fly down in class one time and couldn’t decide whether to zip it up or leave it. Wow, dude. You really know how to talk to lesbians.

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Jane and Maura do their polite laugh. You know the laugh. The one that says, “God, I wish guys would just take the hint and leave us alone.” But, alas, they both know this step is important. It’s the long-delayed beard introduction. From his nervous chatter to his clammy forehead, this guy is clearly trying too hard. I mean, you can’t blame him. You know Maura probably pays him an extravagant Beard Stipend.

Jane says – despite his inappropriate wardrobe malfunction stories – the meeting with Prof. Beard is going well. Except for one thing – Maura. So Jane splashes a little cold water on her to perk her up. Or at least annoy her with water spots to elicit some sort of human emotion. Poor thing, she is probably just exhausted from auditioning beards all these years.

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Prof. Beard returns to the table and Maura decides to share her own funny story. Of course, it involves Jane. It’s about that time they went to the Adirondacks. Jane levels her eyes at her girlfriend and gives her a “Don’t you dare”-under her breath. And then Maura starts her story like this, “Jane and I had never tried it…”

Oh, honey child. Gather round. Bring popcorn. This is gonna be good.

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The next day Jane and Maura arrive together at the crime scene. (Woman shot outside a nightclub when she took a smoke break – see, kids, smoking really does kill.) Maura is more interested in how Jane felt about Prof. Beard. She asks, for the millionth time, if Jane really liked him.

Jane finally gives her an honest, “No.” Because the first seventeen “Yeses” were apparently unconvincing. Jane knows in this complicated game of hide-and-seek there is no real right answer when it comes to whether you like the person your secret girlfriend is pretending to date so you two can carry on your closeted relationship.

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The team tries to track down the victim’s husband – he is the head of a hot new start-up tech company so we all know we’re going to hate him immediately. Korsak and Jane go to check on him at his hotel and find a bullet hole in his door’s peephole. So I guess we don’t have enough time to hate him.

Meanwhile, Jane and Korsak chit-chat about his preparation for the lieutenant’s exam. One of the books goes into the behavior of cops. And Jane tells him it’s easy, “We’re pains in the asses.” Poor Maura, doesn’t she know it.

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While it’s weird to say about someone who is bending over a guy with an eye socket that looks like hamburger meat, Maura looks lovely. I’m digging the Veronica Lake thing they have going on with her hair this episode. A lot.

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