Previously on The Fosters, Wyatt asked Brandon, the love expert, for help understanding Callie. It went about as well as asking an actual bunch of rocks. Jesus and Mariana tried to sell the bed that killed sex but it took Stef to seal the deal. Stef and Lena named the baby Frankie, Jude broke his silence, and Stef and Lena broke all of our hearts when they had to terminate Lena’s pregnancy to save her life.
Morning in the Adams Foster home for hormonal teenagers begins with the dulcet tones of Jesus screaming at Mariana to hurry up and get out of the bathroom before he pees on the floor. Stef wants to be double sure that Callie knows how to swim, that Jude knows how to tie a hitch and a bowline, and that they are sure they don’t want Stef to chaperone their trip on the S.S. Minnow. On her way out Stef tells Lena that if they can get Brandon to leave they can have an empty house for the afternoon. Lena decides that an empty house means it’s time for Brandon to to tell what happened with Dani.
At school, Jesus pins Emma at wrestling practice and then she yells at him for having the nerve to hook up with another girl after they broke up. He tries to explain the concept of being broken up but she’s beyond logic. If he wants to date Brooke Davis it just shows that he never really gave a hoot about tutor girl in the first place. Hayley hears it all because she hanging out in the gym, just lounging in a split, as you do.
Callie and Jude make their way to the yacht. When Sophia appears Callie says, “Yeah, the resemblance is freaky but you’ll get used to it.” Sophia is so excited to meet Jude that she tells him how glad she is that he’s meeting their dad. Callie corrects her and says that she and Jude have a dad. Dr. Quinn can’t handle the awkward so she sweeps Sophia away to help her set out the lunch their cook made.
Stef comes home and calls for Lena. The poor thing, has no idea that her quiet afternoon is about to become an episode of Jerry Springer (if Springer was a serene, brilliant, biracial woman). Brandon and Lena are sitting in the living room. Before Stef can use her crack detective skills the doorbell rings. Come on in, Mike, this is going to be fun. The tension in this scene is great. It’s unbearably awkward, like watching someone come out when you know it’s not going to go well. Lena says no one leaves until we figure this out as a family. After Mike and Stef stop interrupting long enough for Brandon to speak, he’s finally able to tell them that he and Dani had sex. They reward him for his candor by screaming at each other. Brandon gets up and leaves and Lena tells them that they need to grow the hell up and stop blaming each other. Lena, I don’t exactly know how you’re this awesome (particularly after losing Frankie a week ago) but please, never leave us.
Back at school, Jesus tells Hayley she is going to have to go without him for one night because he has a wrestling team dinner. Regina George is busy telling the dance team that they don’t have enough money for everyone to go to their meet so everyone better, Step Up, Bring it On, and Stick It, if they want to stay on the team.
Back on the yacht, Jude is steering and listening to Robert tell stories about the time he got lost in a storm and Dawson Leery rescued him. Robert assures Jude that he knows that Callie and Jude share a father, he just wants to get to know them better. By the way, here’s a hundred bucks, you know, just because I respect your family bonds.
Back at dance rehearsal, Mariana sucks hard. When Tia shows Mariana how to do one of the moves and offers to help until Mariana says that this style of dance just isn’t her thing and that it must come naturally to Tia and maybe it would be better if Tia stopped making everyone else look bad. Tia says maybe she should dye her hair, too and become Hayley and Caitlin’s puppy.
Stef finds Brandon in his room and explains that grown-ups who have sex with 16-year-olds are criminals. Yes, I see a question in the back. Oh, hi, you’re from Pretty Little Liars, go ahead, I thought you might have some questions. Brandon tells Stef that he knows what he did, he doesn’t feel like a victim, and she needs to stop treating him like one of her cases. He feels humiliated and refuses to cooperate with the police. Stef, you need a Lena-approved game plan for these talks.
Back on the boat, Sophia wants to hear all about the glamour of being in foster care and going to seven different schools. Stability and money are just so boring and she hates all the trips to Europe she’s been on with her school and wishes she had a hot boyfriend like Wyatt. Before Callie can explain that she broke up with Wyatt due to the complicated repercussions of being raped, Jude pulls her away to check out the poop deck.
Mike is thrashing around, looking for anything that might make sense of this mess. He wants to talk to Dani, but Lena tells him he can’t leave until they sort it out. Stef walks in and says Brandon doesn’t want to press charges and Mike can’t believe she’s calling Dani a rapist. Brandon’s 16, he’s a guy, of course he wanted this to happen! When it comes to statutory rape, Mikey, there is no grey area.
Mariana and the dance girls are hanging out talking about how Stef and Lena aren’t her real moms and wondering how it is that she doesn’t want to know who her real parents are. Mariana lies and says she doesn’t know anything about her parents and certainly she was not selling her brother’s meds to help out her drug addicted biological mother. Speaking of money, maybe she can get Lena to send some cash to the dance team so Mariana won’t get cut.