“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.7): Vodka and Baloney

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Bethany Young was the third to last person to get dug up out of Veronica Hastings’ azaleas, but the most last person to be identified, an announcement that lost some of its punch when the Liars and their lovers felt the quake of Toby’s house getting blown to smithereens right next door. Emily smooched on Ali and didn’t sleep for many days due to keeping Ali safe for more smooches. Hanna smooched on Travis while thinking about Caleb who was thinking about witches and ghosts and how instead of being in Ravenswood, he might actually have been at Radley. Spencer accused everyone in her family, including herself, of murdering any of the young blonde ladies the cops keep digging up in their yard. And Aria decided to volunteer at Radley to forge a new bond with Spencer and also to prevent herself from slipping on Ezra Fitzgerald’s dick anymore.

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Pam Fields is home from Texas and she’s rip roarin’ and ready to get to the bottom of Alison’s story about being trapped in a box for two years/gauge the temperature of Emily’s pants w/r/t that girl whose friendship bracelet she refused to remove through the process of coming out, getting new girlfriends, and watching new girlfriends also die. Pam says — Pam who keeps a spreadsheet about how many Tylenol Emily takes any given week, OK? — she wants to issue an “impromptu” invitation to Ali and the Liars for dinner because she wants Ali to know there’s some adult ears attached to an adult head housing an adult brain if she needs some advice or anything. Love you like a love song, Mama Pam, but one car crashing into your living room sent you careening into a crippling emotional spiral. You didn’t even go to jail for killing a cop or get attacked by a goddamn car full of bees and you went sprinting toward the state line. PTSD counseling probably isn’t your forte.

In the bathroom, the Liars bitch and moan about the free home cooked meal and how Pam is up to something and everybody’s got stuff to do this afternoon, man. Aria is working at Radley. Spencer is going to Ezra’s to help him with his quote research and spy stuff. And Hanna’s got a full schedule of just straight up being better than this bullshit. Her clothes are over it and her hair is over it and her face is over it and her mouth also is over it, and I don’t just mean her new Gonzo-colored lipstick. When Ali says they’ll suck it up and do Pam’s dinner, Hanna says, “As always, your wish is our command.” Ali goes, “What’s that supposed to mean?” like she hasn’t spent half her life trying to make sure that exact thing is true. And Hanna just rolls her eyeballs like some kind of Liz Lemon and bounces.

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Aria’s face is like, “Dat mouth, though!” And Emily’s face is like, “But dat ass in leather.”

Ali holds Emily back after the meeting to ask if she’ll walk her home from school because she’s got the most experience killing guys and also because she’s not sure if french kissing is still on the table, but if it is, she needs to get Emily alone. She is, inexplicably wearing another noose around her neck. Actually, she’s wearing it to cover up getting strangled with the yellow noose last week. Emily tells her not to worry. Nobody ever calls out Aria on what she’s wearing so Ali is surely safe. But then! Sydney Driscoll pops out of the stall like how Emily popped out from around Paige’s locker last week, Orphan Black Helena’s WEEEEEWOOOOO music piercing the silence. Sydney introduces herself, touches Ali’s scarf, compliments it, and sliiides on out the door in a cloud of sex appeal that smells remarkably like Jenna Marshall.

Hallway of Cow Brains and Menacing LED Marquees

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Emily: Whatchoo mean a rat in Paige’s swim cap?
Sydney: I mean, somebody coerced Paige into being a narc and so someone else stuffed her locker with a rodent-shaped universal metaphor.
Emily: Who, though???
Sydney: Not anyone on the swim team, is my guess, because of how everyone wants to go to third base with her. Er, second. Second base.
Emily: T-shirt second base or speedo second base?

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