Did you hear that sky-splitting war-cry reverberate around the internet yesterday afternoon? It shook Tumblr and Twitter and Facebook to their very foundations! Only one thing could cause such a collective ruckus: The news that Lucy Lawless has joined the cast of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.! That’s right, according to TVGuide, former Xena Warrior Princess and current Diane Lewis-Swanson (of the Pawneee, Indiana Swansons) has hopped on board for season two of Marvel’s fledgling TV drama.
It’s the best casting news I’ve heard possibly ever, and S.H.I.E.L.D. hasn’t even announced what she’ll be doing yet. But I’ve got five ideas about who she could play.
Aliza W. planted this idea in my mind on Twitter yesterday afternoon and I can’t stop thinking about it. Clearly Marvel is never going to offer up any of its A-list Avengers for TV, but who cares because She-Hulk is superior to Hulk in pretty much every way. Jennifer Walters is Bruce Banner’s cousin and she became She-Hulk after receiving an emergency blood transfusion from him. But unlike, Banner, Walters doesn’t brood about and bemoan her fate. She’s a confident, sexy-as-hell, high powered attorney who makes no apologies and occasionally Hulks out to save the day. (Also, don’t you dare tell me she’s not young enough to play a superhero; nobody said Ben Affleck was too old to play Batman!)
2. Contessa Valentina Allegra de Fontaine
I actually think this is a pretty good guess about who Lawless really will play on S.H.I.E.L.D. so I won’t say very much about it so you non-comics readers can stay spoiler-free. The main thing you need to know about Val is she’s a badass motherfucker who got Nick Fury’s attention by beating the crap out of him in hand-to-hand combat in their first meeting. She also led a group of other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents known as the Femme Force (spin-off idea!).
Lawless is on record repeatedly as saying she’d love to play a Big Bad, and who’s badder in S.H.I.E.L.D.-verse than Madame Hydra?
4. Melinda May’s (ex?-)wife
In Marvel cinematic universe canon, May was married, but we don’t know to whom because she refuses to discuss her personal life with her teammates. Lucy Lawless swaggering onto the bus talking about, “Honey, I’m home!” sure would be a way to explore May’s character better/cause my brain to explode. The writers really dropped the ball with Agent Victoria Hand last season; it’s time to bring some actual sapphic substance to this show.
Last week Marvel announced its plan to roll out a new Thor title with a lady lead. Yes, a female Thor. It seems highly unlikely that this could happen because Thor and Asgard are such a huge part of Marvel’s already established cinematic lore, but stranger things have been explained in the world of comics, and who doesn’t want to see Coulson grapple with a woman wielding that hammer that has haunted his sleep for who knows how long.
TVLine seems to think Lawless will play Mary Maloney, whoever the heck that is, but S.H.I.E.L.D. can do better than that, especially for the incomparable Lucy BAMF Lawless. Who do you think she should play?