“Orange is the New Black” recap (2.13): We Have Manners. We’re Polite.

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On the way to the hospital for treatment, Morello and Miss Rosa share silly stories about their childhoods. Tiny people in the radio. Untrustworthy dolls. Morello then explains the plot of Toy Story as if it were a DePalma film, which Rosa finds odd but mostly endearing.

When Vee stops in her bunk to pick up a snack, she finds a little hand drawn note, illustrating the children’s tale of the hypodermic needle running away with the spoon. Inside, the note reveals that Vee’s stash of drugs has been taken. She runs to the supply room and tears it apart, looking for the drugs, which are nowhere to be found. Cindy makes the mistake of showing up, feeling cheery and singing a tune. Vee snaps a mop in two and threatens Cindy’s life with the jagged wood. Cindy doesn’t know who took the drugs, so Vee storms out, leaving Cindy shaken.

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O’Neill writes a sweet little ditty about his disdain for nuns on his bangolele, but they are not impressed. He brings up the fact that Sr. Ingalls was excommunicated, but the nuns remind him that you can’t divorce Jesus. This inspires a new song.

Healy stops by to check on Red, and reveals that SIS is planning to close their case with Suzanne as the perp. She gave a “half” confession, which is apparently good enough for those lazy sons of bitches to send her to maximum. Red asks Healy to bring the investigators back in, but he won’t. Red already made a statement and they aren’t dragging the case on any further. Red can’t believe Healy will allow Suzanne to go down for something he knows she didn’t do. “Where’s your fight, Heal,” she asks him. “You used to care.” Even Healy has given up on the system at this point.

Rosa is wheeled into her doctor’s office to talk about her recent round of chemo. CO Ford stays in the room, even when the doctor asks for privacy with his patient. Rosa knows the news isn’t good, so she asks the doctor to tell her as if she was a person he cared about, rather that a practical stranger in prison khaki. The doctor informs her that the treatment isn’t working and she only has about a month to live. Rosa is heartbroken but thankful for his kindness.

In the visiting room, Ruiz’s boyfriend has turned into a beautiful chatterbox, making conversation with their little girl while Ruiz sheds happy tears. Piper on the other hand isn’t having such a good time. Polly and Larry have shown up to clear their guilty consciences and let’s be honest, also stick it to Piper a little. Polly blathers on about not wanting to lose Piper as a friend, while Larry asks for Piper’s blessing on their unholy, boring union. All that is important about this conversation is that we find out that Alex’s nipples smell like marzipan. Thank you Larry for giving the lesbians something for once. Piper tells them, and their blossoming love to fuck right off and go to hell. Polly takes Piper’s rage and folds in neatly into a pocket square which she will later post to Pinterest. She accepts it. Polly didn’t mean to fall in love with Larry. Sometimes the heart just wants what the heart wants. Sometimes that means Larry. Sometimes love is a drug dealing, tattooed sex goddess.

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Sitting alone in the rec room, Pennsatucky spies Mr. Healy walking by. She stops him and asks for his opinion on her new do. He’s not feeling it, Tegan and Sara. He tries to walk away but she wants to talk about Safe Space. He’s being a real jackass about the fact that she missed the meeting and the fact that he’s not her only person to lean on now. “I thought we had the same values,” he says. Translation: We both hate lesbians. But Pennsatucky is good at finding a way to survive, and she’s grateful to Healy for helping her open up. She thinks he really cares about the women at Litch, and after being shamed by Red, Healy appreciates it. Also, Pennsatucky lets him know that there will be no finger banging happening between her and Big Boo.

In the kitchen, Gloria and Norma are whipping up a delicious…tampon cake? No wait, it’s a ritual to rid the prison of Vee’s bad vibes. The concoction involves dog hair, cinnamon, garlic, and lots of praying. Norma takes the final product and blows it into Vee’s hair as she passes. Vee is none the wiser.

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Healy sits down with an exhausted and defeated Suzanne to try and get the real story. She says everyone else thinks she did it, including Vee, so she must have. She tries to sort out her memories, which are now all confused and jumbled. Healy advises her to trust herself, but Suzanne is hesitant to do that. She inquires about Red’s condition and mentions that she always liked her. Suzanne takes a deep breath and asks what’s going to happen to her now.

Caputo drops in to Fig’s office to gloat, as she’s packing up her belongings. He comments on how she was fired, but she corrects him. She resigned, and with commendations from the Warden. Caputo is pissed that she’s getting off without the shame and humiliation that he had hoped for. The warden doesn’t want a scandal, so this will all get swept under the rug.

In the library, Taystee, I mean Amanda, apologizes to Poussey for how everything went down. Poussey of course, accepts. They laugh like they used to about normal things like romance novels and time travel. Watson and Cindy show up to tell them about Vee’s unraveling over her missing heroin. They also want to warn the women in case they are next on the list. Poussey realizes if Vee is turning on everyone, then she isn’t nearly as powerful as she used to be. She’s even managed to screw over her staunchest ally.

Now that Red has come clean, it’s Sr. Ingalls’ turn to hold up her part of the bargain and eat something. She shoves a bite of muffin in her mouth, just as Caputo comes down the hall. He’s there to inform Sr. Ingalls that she’s not being transferred, which was news to everyone anyway. Since he feels he’s done her a favor, he asks that she give up the hunger strike in return. She lets him believe that he’s won and takes a bite of the muffin he brings her. “Now would you mind calling off your nuns,” he asks as she is mid-chew.

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