It’s time to break out the prison hooch and raise a glass to the final episode of the second season. Not in a celebratory mood however, are the SIS officers who have come to Litchfield to find out why the hell everything has gone to shit as of late. Caputo tries to step in and be a big shot but the investigators only report in to Fig, so Caputo stands there like a sad puppy without a bone.
Cindy and Watson are charged with cleaning the supply room after the storm and between discussing the Wire and their mommy issues, talk turns to the incident with Red. As they discuss knowing who is responsible and what they will say when asked, Vee drops in. I swear that woman is everywhere! She fully admits to the girls that she’s the one who slocked Red, but here is the kicker: She instructs them to tell the investigators that they suspect that it was Suzanne. Damn, Vee, you are cold as ice! Cindy and Watson don’t feel comfortable with the situation but Vee doesn’t give a shit. Vee isn’t even worried that Red will turn her in. What’s done is done and Suzanne is to take the fall. Plus, you never know who might get a slocket to the head next time, Vee warns.
The investigators haul the inmates in one by one to talk about Red’s attack. Morello is first and tells them that things got intense when Vee came around. Nicky is more than a little pissed that they are even going along with this charade when everyone knows that it was Vee that nearly killed Red. Flacca and Maritza have no clue but place their bets that it was Suzanne, on account of the pie throwing and crazy eyes. Rosa keeps it real. “That Vee, she’s a very rude person. I don’t like rude.” When it’s Cindy and Warren’s turn, they say what they’ve been ordered to but are both terribly conflicted.
Red, who is very much alive but whose face looks like a side of beef, lies to the investigators claiming she never saw her attacker. Sr. Ingalls, who is in the bed next to her, knows full well that Red is covering for someone.
Caputo heads to the SHU where Piper has spent the last day since he found her stealing some of Fig’s files. He questions Piper about a possible investigation into Fig, but Piper stays mum. Piper knows she has the upper hand, and uses it to pull at Caputo’s strings. They both know Fig is dirty, so what’s he going to do about it? Piper confesses that she was planning to use the files to take Fig down, and Caputo wants to know how. Piper offers to give him the goods that he needs if he promises to stop her transfer.
Armed with evidence and a whole lot of hubris, Caputo busts into Fig’s office to confront her. His glee is tampered when he sees her sitting on the floor, crying…in slacks! Her destruction can wait for a few minutes, so he attempts to comfort her. She tells him about her husband’s affair with Gavin, which brings a smirk to his face. He tries to make her feel better by reminding her that even though she is a terrible human being, she’s still super hot. He then proceeds to let her know that he knows about the fraud and embezzlement. Surprise! Then things turn icky. He narrows his eyes at her and says, “You’ve been a bad girl. If I was your daddy I’d spank you real good.” He explains that he’s going to ruin her so she orders him out, but immediately calls him back. He tells her to suck his dick and get this…she fucking does.
One of the through lines of Orange is the New Black has always been about power. Who has it, who doesn’t, what are you willing to give to get it? Yet, through all the power plays and machinations and scheming, this scene is wildly unsettling. When I first watched, it felt out of place. Like an ill-fitting piece to this brilliant puzzle. I thought about it for a long time, and I think I figured out why it made me so angry. Fig does what many of us wish we could. She’s risen to the top, she’s leaned the fuck in. She’s a woman in charge and even though she’s a heartless monster most of the time, there is something thrilling about seeing a woman in control. Her fall from grace at the hands of a small, spiteful man who thinks nothing of sticking his dick in her vulnerable mouth, is inciting. It’s supposed to be. Caputo thinks he’s a “good guy” but he’s not. Even Healy attempts to look inward once in a while. Caputo is always looking out. Man, fuck that guy.
Anyway, after Fig goes down on Caputo, she’s under the assumption that her troubles will go away. Caputo zips his pants and reveals that he’s already turned her in, making the whole thing feel even rapey-er. To make matters worse, he kisses her on the head as he leaves.
Back in the medical ward, Sr. Ingalls asks Red why she didn’t turn Vee in. Red knows all too well what a brilliant manipulator Vee is and how easily she could get herself out of it. Red’s got her own way of handling things.
When Piper gets back to her bunk, Nicky begs her to confirm her masturbatory Fig fantasies involving a secret vibrator hidden in her desk. Piper shoots down that dream real quick when she reveals all the found were candy bar wrappers and files. Piper tells Nicky about her cancelled transfer but Nicky is more focused on Red’s condition. Nicky fights back tears as she talks about Red’s near death assault and the joke of an investigation they launched about it. Piper changes the subject and smiles when she tells Nicky that Alex is coming to visit. Nicky looks at her with disbelief. “Jesus, Chapman, you need to figure out what the fuck you want.” Preach. Nicky gets all worked up about Piper’s mono-focused view of the world, and suggests that she pull her head out of her ass and send some prayers Red’s way.
Ruiz is sobbing into the beefaroni when Caputo comes into the kitchen to secretly inform Bennett that he’s temporarily in charge now that Fig is out. He tells Bennett that the next few weeks have to go especially well since the warden will be testing his ability to lead. As his first act as Head Dick in Charge, he’s actually doing something decent. He cancels all of the transfers and sends Bennett to inform an elated Ruiz.
In the cafeteria, Taystee and Poussey sit next to each other once again. Poussey wants to do a little lesbian processing but Taystee has had enough feelings talk to last a lifetime. So instead, they turn to Amanda and MaKenzie to help them out. There is once again balance in the world. As Vee sits alone at her table, Nicky, with Morello at her side, takes the opportunity to confront her for her crimes against Red. When Cindy and Watson step in, Nicky reminds them that only sheep would unquestionably follow a psychopath. Vee tries to act as if she’s above it all and asks them to leave her to eat her meal in peace. “May you never have a minute of peace,” Morello pipes in, her eyes steely and calm. Damn girl. I didn’t know you had it in you. When Vee leaves, Cindy and Watson make their way to Poussey and Taystee’s table. Poussey questions why they have thrown Suzanne under the bus, and reminds them that one day, they could suffer the same fate. When Cindy and Watson say they don’t want to ruin a good thing, Poussey and Taystee leave them to deal with their consciences.
Healy sets up for Safe Space (with Russian cookies and everything), but after a stabbing and a slocking, the ladies of Litch aren’t exactly feeling safe and no one shows. He angrily throws away the Safe Space sign and leaves. Luckily for Leanne, he also leaves the cookies. As Healy heads back to his office, he walks by Sophia’s salon, where Pennsatucky sits about to go through lesbian initiation with Big Boo. Her first alternative lifestyle haircut. (I remember my first. My senior year, I cut my chestnut tresses into a chin length bob, much to the dismay of my cheerleader girlfriend. I’d never felt more free. Um, sorry, enough about me!) Big Boo informs Pennsatucky that she’s got to go above the ears or it doesn’t count. Just them, Healy interrupts them to let Pennsatucky know that he’s cancelling Safe Space.
O’Neill stops by Caputo’s office to let him know that a.) he just bought a banjolele and b.) there are a shit ton of nuns outside the gates. O’Neill and Caputo run outside to talk to the no-nonsense group of nuns protesting the treatment of Sister Ingalls. He begs them to come back in a few days, but they refuse. Caputo leaves O’Neill to keep an eye on the nuns, but O’Neill objects on account of his history with nuns. You know, as a person who attended Catholic school my whole life, I think nuns get a bad rap. Most of them just want to be married to Jesus and serve the community. Aside from my American History teacher Sr. Marie who incessantly talked about the apocalypse and was obsessed with red pens, nuns are pretty alright.
Vee sits down with Suzanne to play some serious mind games on the poor woman. Suzanne professes her innocence, but Vee keeps pressing her until Suzanne starts to doubt her own memory. Vee asserts her control over Suzanne by making her think that she’s special in Vee’s eyes. Suzanne has only ever wanted love and acceptance and will do anything to hold onto it. Even taking the fall.
In the laundry room, Angie and Leanne practice a little song and dance to taunt Pennsatucky and her unfortunate haircut. Sure looks like Donita got ahold of her, not Sophia. Soso attempts to stick up for Pennsatucky, but Tucky doesn’t want her help. When Angie calls Pennsatucky a dyke, Tucky looks like she’s spoiling for a fight. When Soso steps in again, Pennsatucky holds her off. “We are expressing our feelings in lieu of physical violence.” Leanne tells Pennsatucky that no one showed up to Safe Space and Mr. Healy was all sad, and Pennsatucky feels terrible. Soso goes off on how everything sucks in prison and she really needs a friend, like desperately. No one volunteers.
All of a sudden the screen is filled with a warm, nearly blinding light. Everything tingles and nothing is awful. Oh wait, it’s just Alex Vause wearing a grey cashmere sweater. She’s sitting across from Piper now as a free woman. Piper does what we all want to do, and reaches over and touches the soft fabric over Alex’s warm forearm. Soon enough they get down to the blame game over who is responsible for what. Their gift of the Magi is that they are both duplicitous assholes that did their best to protect each other and figuratively ended up hairless and watchless. But, the real gift of the Magi is finding out the true meaning of love. And in a weird way, Piper and Alex did. Alex confesses her fear and loneliness to Piper, and the fact that she sleeps with a gun. Piper freaks out, knowing that having a gun is a massive parole violation. Alex even suggests that she should start dealing heroin again, then at least she’s be under another kingpin’s protection. Alex is scared to leave the house, scared of the dark, and unqualified to even land a shitty job. Alex mentions her probation officer, Davy Crockett, who doesn’t do much but eat snack food and look for a way to bust her balls. Piper asks Alex what she is going to do, knowing what Alex’s answer is going to be. Run. Alex came to see Piper to say goodbye. For real this time. Once she runs, she can’t come back. Piper’s heart sinks. “You can’t leave me.” Alex doesn’t see any other option. She tells Piper she loves her, and she means it. She always has. I mean she has a messed up way of showing it, but still.
As Big Boo makes a necklace out of candy wrappers, like you do, Nicky confronts her about her traitorous ways. Nicky has an idea how Boo can help make things right: by telling her where Vee hides her stash.
Taystee walks into her bunk to find a frantic Suzanne searching for her lock, one Lady Locksley. The fact that it’s missing coupled with Vee’s manipulations have got her thinking that she’s the one who attacked Red. Taystee tries to reason with Suzanne by telling her that thinking and knowing are two different things. Suzanne says that argument doesn’t hold water because she has a history of blocking out unpleasant memories. Plus Vee said she did it, so it must be true. She’s a truth teller after all. (Or at least that is what Vee says.) Taystee says that Vee is a lying liar full of lies, who is trying to frame Suzanne, but Suzanne isn’t hearing any of it. Vee warned her that Taystee would try to poison Suzanne against her. When Taystee calls her crazy, Suzanne corrects her, echoing Vee’s words. “I am not crazy. I am unique.”
Daya and Bennett take a stroll in the yard, while Daya talks about the show that is a gift onto this world, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. Daya thinks that premise is bullshit now because at only a couple months along, she can already really feel the baby big time. Bennett takes this opportunity to tell Daya that he can’t come clean about the fact that he’s the father. He’s in line for a promotion now that Fig is out (which he says is a secret) and Caputo is in. It’s more money for them, but all Daya knows is that Bennett can’t be the father she wants him to be, so she walks away.
Of course the first thing Daya does is tell everyone in the kitchen that Fig is out. Aleida isn’t surprised. “You can’t trust a bitch that don’t smile with her teeth.” While the women talk, Gloria notices Norma is up to something and checks up on her. Norma is gathering apple seeds, lots of them. Apple seeds contain arsenic, but Gloria bursts Norma’s bubble that it would take too many to poison a certain slock-wielding villain. Gloria has other ways though, so buck up silent Norma.
O’Neill takes the opportunity to unleash his issues with the Catholic church on to the protesting nuns. O’Neill was apparently on the receiving end of some nasty treatment in school, something that he carries with him to this day. The nuns however are less than sympathetic. “Get over it, you are a grown up. Let it go,” the head nun tells him.
Sr. Ingalls can’t believe the nuns actually showed up to support her; all the while she’s having impure thoughts of stuffing her face with baked goods. Red takes this opportunity to ask the Sister about celibacy. What gives? Well, Sr. Ingalls is not immune to appreciating a well-sculpted crucifix from time to time. Red regales the Sister in a story of a passionate affair she had with a man named Pavel, who really knew how to please a gal. She ended up with Dmitri though because she wanted to go to America and Pavel wanted to stay in Russia. Sex with Dmitri was pleasant enough, but Red missed the excitement and uncertainty of sex as a single lady. Speaking of desire, just then a nurse brings in trays of food for the women. Sister Ingalls couldn’t make sweet love to that sandwich now even if she wanted to, with a hundred nuns mere yards away. Sister Ingalls changes the subject to something more important. Stopping Vee. Red offers a deal; if the Sister eats, Red will turn Vee in. “We abandon our principals together?” the nun asks. Yes, isn’t it glorious?
Suzanne is hauled into the SIS investigators room, where they present her with her missing lock, which Vee left out by the greenhouse to frame her. The agents already have it in their heads that Suzanne is guilty, based mainly on her history of violence and her overall demeanor. Suzanne herself isn’t convinced of her innocence either.
On the way to the hospital for treatment, Morello and Miss Rosa share silly stories about their childhoods. Tiny people in the radio. Untrustworthy dolls. Morello then explains the plot of Toy Story as if it were a DePalma film, which Rosa finds odd but mostly endearing.
When Vee stops in her bunk to pick up a snack, she finds a little hand drawn note, illustrating the children’s tale of the hypodermic needle running away with the spoon. Inside, the note reveals that Vee’s stash of drugs has been taken. She runs to the supply room and tears it apart, looking for the drugs, which are nowhere to be found. Cindy makes the mistake of showing up, feeling cheery and singing a tune. Vee snaps a mop in two and threatens Cindy’s life with the jagged wood. Cindy doesn’t know who took the drugs, so Vee storms out, leaving Cindy shaken.
O’Neill writes a sweet little ditty about his disdain for nuns on his bangolele, but they are not impressed. He brings up the fact that Sr. Ingalls was excommunicated, but the nuns remind him that you can’t divorce Jesus. This inspires a new song.
Healy stops by to check on Red, and reveals that SIS is planning to close their case with Suzanne as the perp. She gave a “half” confession, which is apparently good enough for those lazy sons of bitches to send her to maximum. Red asks Healy to bring the investigators back in, but he won’t. Red already made a statement and they aren’t dragging the case on any further. Red can’t believe Healy will allow Suzanne to go down for something he knows she didn’t do. “Where’s your fight, Heal,” she asks him. “You used to care.” Even Healy has given up on the system at this point.
Rosa is wheeled into her doctor’s office to talk about her recent round of chemo. CO Ford stays in the room, even when the doctor asks for privacy with his patient. Rosa knows the news isn’t good, so she asks the doctor to tell her as if she was a person he cared about, rather that a practical stranger in prison khaki. The doctor informs her that the treatment isn’t working and she only has about a month to live. Rosa is heartbroken but thankful for his kindness.
In the visiting room, Ruiz’s boyfriend has turned into a beautiful chatterbox, making conversation with their little girl while Ruiz sheds happy tears. Piper on the other hand isn’t having such a good time. Polly and Larry have shown up to clear their guilty consciences and let’s be honest, also stick it to Piper a little. Polly blathers on about not wanting to lose Piper as a friend, while Larry asks for Piper’s blessing on their unholy, boring union. All that is important about this conversation is that we find out that Alex’s nipples smell like marzipan. Thank you Larry for giving the lesbians something for once. Piper tells them, and their blossoming love to fuck right off and go to hell. Polly takes Piper’s rage and folds in neatly into a pocket square which she will later post to Pinterest. She accepts it. Polly didn’t mean to fall in love with Larry. Sometimes the heart just wants what the heart wants. Sometimes that means Larry. Sometimes love is a drug dealing, tattooed sex goddess.
Sitting alone in the rec room, Pennsatucky spies Mr. Healy walking by. She stops him and asks for his opinion on her new do. He’s not feeling it, Tegan and Sara. He tries to walk away but she wants to talk about Safe Space. He’s being a real jackass about the fact that she missed the meeting and the fact that he’s not her only person to lean on now. “I thought we had the same values,” he says. Translation: We both hate lesbians. But Pennsatucky is good at finding a way to survive, and she’s grateful to Healy for helping her open up. She thinks he really cares about the women at Litch, and after being shamed by Red, Healy appreciates it. Also, Pennsatucky lets him know that there will be no finger banging happening between her and Big Boo.
In the kitchen, Gloria and Norma are whipping up a delicious…tampon cake? No wait, it’s a ritual to rid the prison of Vee’s bad vibes. The concoction involves dog hair, cinnamon, garlic, and lots of praying. Norma takes the final product and blows it into Vee’s hair as she passes. Vee is none the wiser.
Healy sits down with an exhausted and defeated Suzanne to try and get the real story. She says everyone else thinks she did it, including Vee, so she must have. She tries to sort out her memories, which are now all confused and jumbled. Healy advises her to trust herself, but Suzanne is hesitant to do that. She inquires about Red’s condition and mentions that she always liked her. Suzanne takes a deep breath and asks what’s going to happen to her now.
Caputo drops in to Fig’s office to gloat, as she’s packing up her belongings. He comments on how she was fired, but she corrects him. She resigned, and with commendations from the Warden. Caputo is pissed that she’s getting off without the shame and humiliation that he had hoped for. The warden doesn’t want a scandal, so this will all get swept under the rug.
In the library, Taystee, I mean Amanda, apologizes to Poussey for how everything went down. Poussey of course, accepts. They laugh like they used to about normal things like romance novels and time travel. Watson and Cindy show up to tell them about Vee’s unraveling over her missing heroin. They also want to warn the women in case they are next on the list. Poussey realizes if Vee is turning on everyone, then she isn’t nearly as powerful as she used to be. She’s even managed to screw over her staunchest ally.
Now that Red has come clean, it’s Sr. Ingalls’ turn to hold up her part of the bargain and eat something. She shoves a bite of muffin in her mouth, just as Caputo comes down the hall. He’s there to inform Sr. Ingalls that she’s not being transferred, which was news to everyone anyway. Since he feels he’s done her a favor, he asks that she give up the hunger strike in return. She lets him believe that he’s won and takes a bite of the muffin he brings her. “Now would you mind calling off your nuns,” he asks as she is mid-chew.
Healy finds Luschek and convinces him to lie and say that Suzanne was under his watch during the time of Red’s attack. Luschek agrees as long as Healy owes him a favor. Luschek fills out the paperwork that will spare Suzanne from being sent to max, giddy at the thought of Healy owing him one.
Vee reeks of desperation when she seeks out Taystee in her bunk. She zigs and zags, offering Taystee a place back in her heart, then accusing her of stealing the heroin. Poussey, Watson and Cindy all gather around their girl Taystee as she finally stands up to Vee. She even gets Vee to admit her responsibility in RJ’s death. Cindy and Watson let Vee know that they are planning to recant their testimony about Suzanne. Vee, in a last ditch effort to hold onto control turns to Taystee. “You broke my heart,” she says. “That might be true is you had one,” Taystee so perfectly retorts.
On the way back from Miss Rosa’s doctor visit, Morello tries to lighten the heavy mood by suggesting that they request Toy Story 2 for movie night. Miss Rosa doesn’t reply, just sits slumped to the side. CO Ford tells Morello about Rosa’s bad news, and how royally screwed up it is to have to die in prison. As Morello silently deals with the awful news, CO Ford starts singing along to the radio.
As Soso and Piper are freshening up for bed, Soso laments not taking Piper’s advice when she arrived. She never found someone to look out for her and now she’s desperately lonely. Soso doesn’t think she will be the same when she leaves, and that right there, isn’t ok.
As SIS prepares their case against Suzanne, it becomes quite clear that they just want to go home for the night. She’s unstable, and probably not guilty, but the paperwork is already filled out. When they go to leave Cindy, Watson, Poussey and Taystee, who are now all accusing Vee of the attack, confront them. The SIS agents get angry and call for security when the women become insistent. Mr. Healy shows up and gives the agents Luschek’s signed work order. Case not closed afterall, mofos!
As Caputo sets up his new office (more space to masturbate!) Bennett comes in to confess his relationship with Daya. He claims to be the father of the baby, and tells Caputo how they set Mendez up. Caputo silences him. He can’t have this sort of thing come to light on his watch. Caputo suggests that if Bennett loves Daya, that he should keep his pouty mouth shut, or he will send Daya away.
Piper puts in a call to Polly and Larry to ask a favor. She wants them to call Alex’s probation officer and inform him that she is planning to skip town. Larry is hesitant because he is unsure of Piper’s intentions. Polly however, agrees to do it right away.
Healy leads the SIS officers to Vee’s bunk, but she’s nowhere to be found. It turns out Vee used Red’s tunnel to make an escape and emerges somewhere in the middle of the woods.
Nicky leads Big Boo to the laundry room where she’s hidden Vee’s stash, so Boo can help her move it back to the supply room and nail Vee for it. Big Boo poses a different idea. What about keeping it for themselves? Their plans are interrupted by the alarm buzzers and they drop to the floor. Before they are ordered back to their bunks, Nicky finds that she can’t take her eyes off the stuff. In the kitchen, Bennett announces that Vee is missing, and Gloria and Norma shoot each other a knowing look. Morello and Miss Rosa pull in as the alarms ring, and CO Fors instructs them to stay in the car. The prison is officially on lockdown.
Alex is calmly reading, wrapped up in a blanket when there is a pounding at her door. She sees the lock being fiddled with so she runs and grabs her gun. She stands in the hallway, trembling and pointing the loaded gun at the door. When it opens, it’s the super and Davey Crocket, her probation officer. Alex is safe from Kubra’s cronies, but she is also royally fucked.
Back at Litch, everyone is ordered to stay in their bunks. Finally alone, Piper reaches into her locker where she pulls out a fat stack of letters from Alex…letters she said she had thrown away. She opens one that says, “I know the situation in Chicago seemed fucked but I promise I was protecting you,” and proceeds to read it, a smile creeping across her face. There has been much debate about Piper’s intentions. Did she turn Alex in to protect her? Screw her over? I think it’s so much more than one thing. Being behind bars would make Alex harder to harm, but it also puts her closer to Piper. Was the thought of losing Alex for good simply more than Piper could face? Was this the act of a woman trying to save the life of her love? I guess we won’t really find out Piper’s motives until next season. Whatever they are, they are bound to cause maximum drama when Alex is once again in her reach. The camera pans to the women in the bunks. Sophia fixing someone’s hair, Watson exercising while Poussey reads, Taystee and Cindy talking about Vee. The final shot is of Suzanne, weeping alone on her bed, clutching the deck of Uno cards Vee gave her as a gift.
Morello watches the action from the car and decides that she can’t sit by for another moment. She turns to Miss Rosa in the backseat. “Don’t die in here Miss Rosa. Go do it your own way.” Morello hops out of the car, leaving the keys in the ignition. Miss Rosa takes her place in the driver’s seat and peels out. She tears down the driveway as Caputo is coaching Sr. Ingalls on what to say to the protesters. Rosa also happens to be careening towards all the nuns at the blockade. “O’Neill! Scatter the nuns!” he screams as Rosa flies past him. Rosa busts through the blockade with a self satisfied smile. She rolls down the window and turns the radio up, which is playing “Don’t Fear the Reaper.” Just then, Vee makes her way to through the woods to the street where she tries to flag down a car. Rosa’s car. Rosa sees Vee and turns the car in her direction, mowing the woman down dead. “Always so rude, that one,” Rosa says to herself. With the open road in front of her and the sound of approaching sirens behind her, Rosa is finally getting the ending she imagined. Her face flashes to her younger self as she prepares to go out in a blaze of glory.
Thus ends the second amazing season of Orange is the New Black. No word on whether the chicken ever resurfaced. Thank you for joining me in these recaps. It’s been a true pleasure to cover this show and see all your comments and thoughts about the characters and stories.
Follow Dana on Twitter @danapiccoli
