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“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 3.3 “The It Girls”

The price isn’t right – Ashley and her bitch mother are checking out houses for sale on the internet because Ash’s $12.5 mil is burning a hole in her mother’s Coach bag. It’s not lost on Ash that her mother is all about “we” instead of “you, you miserable little shrew” to Ashley now that she’s inherited a bundle of money. She’s even talking about shacking up with Ash in her new property, which is stimulating Ashley’s gag reflex.

But because she’s Ash, she tells her mother off instead of saving it for her therapist and working on a new ulcer. She’s happy to send her on a vacation, Ashley says, but they now should essentially consider themselves divorced.

Her evil mom gets that arch, Dynasty diva look on her face and tells Ash that she’s making a big mistake. Kyla 2.0 (she’s changed a lot in her second season, don’t you think?) does a drive-by through Ashley’s room and makes a snappy comment about high-end real estate being a lousy investment in the current market (she’s been watching Flipping Out). Then Kyla proposes that she and Ash buy a place together while she figures out which commune she’ll be moving to. Do you like to draw, paint, sketch or doodle? – Over at Chelsea’s studio, she’s attempting to sketch a portrait of Glen, but she’s just not feeling the magic. She’s frustrated with her lack of skill, so Glen takes a look at her sketch pad. I’m thinking he’s going to see this: or maybe this: But it’s really just kind of a standard crappy drawing of him. I think that Clay/Clayla Jr. is sucking the creativity right out of her. Just like Dad!

Trauma is served – At the Carlin homestead, the family is preparing to sit down for dinner, and Glen is babbling about Chelsea being “upset” because she’s knocked up. “Women and their hormones,” he sighs, as if he knows anything about either. He tries to get Arthur to side with him, but his dad skips out of the kitchen in his apron, carrying a big tray of food and playing dumb. Nope, he doesn’t know anything about how women can be. Paula says, “That’s right, beyotch!” and slaps him on the ass.

In her head.

And what the hell is Paula wearing? The figure-hugging top with the high-riding little belt looks like a castoff from Olivia Newton-John’s “Physical” video. It’s a nightmare in teal.

Glen is just about to shut off the TV when he sees the promo for the MTV True Life documentary about the King High shooting. A giant, goofy picture of Clay flashes across the screen.

Narrator: He took a date to the prom and never came home.
They flash the dorktastic photo again, and Spencer flips her wig. She’s not going to watch the documentary; it’s just too upsetting. Conversely, Glen’s just excited to learn that Clay got a mention. Maybe this will get him some mercy sex!

Reach out and touch someone — So who does Spencer call after getting re-traumatized by MTV? Her ex, of course. Ashley is wearing a bra — and not much else — and is propped up in her fancy bed with atmospheric lighting streaming in behind her. This episode of South of Nowhere was brought to you by Adrian Lyne.

Ash advises Spencer on the nature of grief (“You will have your bad days”), and Spencer tries to put it all in perspective (“Why is life so hard?”) before they are interrupted by a publicist trying to contact Ashley. He wants her to attend a “fashion charity event,” but she doesn’t want to.

Oh Ashley, why is life so hard?

She tries to convince Spencer to join her at the event. But it’s a school night — for Spencer, anyway — and she’s not interested. “It’s a school night” is a euphemism for, “If you need a date for an event, why don’t you call your new boyfriend?”

Obligatory Aiden moment — The next day at school, Aiden is cranky because everyone is calling him about the promo they saw for the documentary. Like Ashley, he is so over all of this attention and publicity! He’s bitching about it to Madison when they both see Chelsea standing by the memorial for the slain students, holding her very pregnant belly.

Aiden says wistfully, “That so could have been me.”

But it really couldn’t have, because Ashley always wears a condom.

Girls, girls, girls! — Spencer is at school, grabbing some stuff from her locker. Remember all of those sweet, charged moments she and Ashley used to have at that very locker in the first two seasons? I do too. But that was then, and this is sleazy.

A jerky guy approaches Spencer to make her an offer she can’t help but refuse.

Jerky Guy: Hey Spencer. You’re still, uh, gay, right? Spencer: The last time I checked, yeah.
Where were we the last time she checked? I demand a rerun!
Jerky Guy: Can I just say that that is really, really cool. Do you do videos?
(Actually, the way he delivers the line sounds more like this: “Can I just say that that is … really really cooldoyoudovideos?” I don’t know where he was trying to go with that line reading, but he needs to call someone and ask for directions, because he ain’t there yet!) Because she’s Spencer, she actually asks, “Where is this going?” instead of tossing him across the lawn by his (double) backpack straps. He’s a football player? And a double-strapper? Impossible.
Jerky Guy: Wherever you want to take it. You can pick the other girl. Or I can. There are a couple of freshmen cheerleaders that will do anything to date a football player.
That’s when Madison sidles up to Spencer’s locker with her Superbitch cape flapping in the wind.
Spencer: Why are you saying this? Madison: Why, that’s easy, isn’t it Corey? Jerky Guy: Shut up, Madison. Madison: See, those who can, do. Jerky Guy: Madison! Shut up! Madison: And those who can’t do, do Pay Per View.
First Glen, now him? What is it about Madison and these lame guys who can’t, uh, meet her needs?

After coming to Spencer’s rescue, she suggests they ditch the cafeteria and go off campus for an edible lunch. I don’t know if Madison cracked her skull on the pavement at the school shooting or if maybe all of that cheering and twirling shook something loose in that pretty head of hers. Whatever it is, she is not the same Madison we’ve grown to know and loathe over the last two seasons.

The same girl who was making (surprisingly informed) gay slurs about the island of Lesbos to Spencer last year is now smacking down guys who want to exploit her lesbianism. And then taking her out to lunch!

Is this some sort of femme reparation plan? And if it is, shouldn’t it include mani/pedis?

Rebel, rebel — Sad and sweet Chelsea is sitting primly in the school office waiting to drop her dreams advanced sketch class. It’s what Clay would have wanted, right? Enter Carmen. She’s a dark-haired beauty with a low, raspy voice and a lousy attitude. Remind you of anyone? And she kinda mumbles when she speaks. That is our indicator that she is a Badass.

She’s in the office because she’s been busted for possession of cigarettes and not having a hall pass. It’s not as exciting as breaking and entering and then being led away in handcuffs, but it should be enough to get the attention of resident goody-two-(sensible)-shoes, Spencer Carlin.

Are you gonna eat that? — Madison and Spencer grab at table at the Farmer’s Market, and Spencer expresses wonder and amazement at the delights of outdoor dining! Madison thinks that Spencer has never been to the Market before because she’s been spending too much time in the back seat of Ashley’s Porsche.

I’m getting an image …

Anyway, Spencer says no, she’s actually horribly alone single these days. Madison, the newly (and inexplicably) crowned Goodwill Ambassador to the Lesbian Nation, assures Spencer that Los Angeles is just teeming with gorgeous, available lesbians. Spencer (rightly) demands evidence, and Madison immediately spies a suspiciously un-fluffy looking woman sitting at table nearby. Spencer thinks that she’s straight, and is shocked when the woman’s girlfriend (who, from behind, looks like Jackie Warner but with a more roostery fauxhawk) walks in and plants one on her.

How is Madison’s gaydar so much better than Spencer’s? I think it’s more of a sexdar thing — Madison is just a little more worldly in that department than the former Miss Chaste Ohio.

Madison tells Spencer that getting lucky in L.A. won’t be a challenge, and to prove it she cruises a nearby blond dude who looks like he just stepped out of a Paul Mitchell commercial. Or a wind tunnel.

A multi-million dollar room with a view — Kyla is wearing her realtor jacket hat again, guiding Ash through a beautiful, spacious loft that she thinks they should buy together. The light! The views! The lack of any parental supervision! Sold!

Do I have to paint you a picture? — Carmen crosses paths with Aiden on the quad as he flirts with Ashley on the telephone. Luckily for us, the camera follows her, and she finds Chelsea with her sketchpad on the steps. She teases Chelsea about trying to be an artist but dropping her art classes, and Chelsea gets irritated.

I think she’s flirting with Chelsea a little, and that gives me an immediate flashback to all of the graphic pregnant sex we were treated to on The L Word when Tina was sowing her freshly single oats. I hope Chelsea doesn’t have Showtime.

Carmen slouches down next to her on the steps (Badass Indicator No. 2: She slouches) and helps herself to some of Chelsea’s lunch. As she chows down, she tells Chelsea that she, too, used to paint. Chelsea asks why she stopped, and Carmen says in a bored tone, “Got tired of trying to explain myself.”

Badass Indicator No. 3: Carmen is misunderstood.

In a moment of inspiration, Chelsea gets her to shut up by making her pose for a sketch.

I’ve got a blog in development at Sony — Back at the Farmer’s Market, Madison is telling Spencer that she’s the last person she would have ever thought she’d be dining with a year ago.

Which is what we’re all thinking, too.

Madison seems to think that their new friendship has blossomed because so much can change in a year. I think it’s a story continuity problem. You say po-tay-to, I say po-tah-to …

Spencer leaves, and the blond dude from the wind tunnel makes his move on Madison. He tells her that she’s a celebrity (nice one!) because of the MTV documentary and asks her if he can interview her for his blog. Madison’s eyes light up and she asks, “You have a blog?!?!”

That snorting sound you just heard? Yeah, it came from me. Picking up hot girls by identifying yourself as a blogger? From your mouth to God’s ear, buddy.

The pickup artist — Later that day, Chelsea and Carmen run into each other again, and Chelsea shows her the sketch. Carmen is happy because it captures her “strange but compelling essence.” And she gets a whole lot happier when she sees Spencer sashay towards them. She uses the sketch as material for an opening line.

Carmen: What do you think? Spencer: [looking at the sketch] Umm … yeah! Carmen: [to Chelsea, while barely suppressing a smirky leer — which is Badass Indicator No. 4, by the way] You should do her next time. It would be way hotter.
Then she exits without another word. That was cool. I think I just learned something from a 16-year-old.

And that got Spencer’s attention. Before Chelsea and Spencer can begin the process-fest over the Carmen interlude, Chelsea grabs her stomach. She — and Spencer — can feel the baby kicking!

Ennui Estates — Ashley is sitting around reading fashion magazines and not studying for the G.E.D. when Kyla 2.0 makes a request. The publicist whose been hounding Ashley about the charity event has convinced Kyla to attend, and she wants to bring Ashley along. The Sister Formerly Known as the Deep One nags Ashley until she convinces her to go. I’m starting to think that way too much can change in a year.

How Chelsea got her groove back — Something about the influence of the new lesbian ne’er-do-well in her life has inspired Chelsea to create again. She’s operating at her pre-pregnancy level of greatness, but unfortunately her raw materials (i.e., Glen) will only take her so far. She needs a nude new model. But then, don’t we all?

She and Glen discuss the MTV special that the Carlin’s won’t be watching in real time (because of Spencer’s objections), and she tells him that the kick of her baby made her feel OK about watching the show. They agree that watching the show could give them both some “closure.”

Is it just me, or was Glen giving her puppy dog eyes throughout that entire scene?

Once he gets back home, Glen convinces all of them — including Spencer — to watch the show.

Two for the price of one — Over at Chez Davies, Aiden has arrived to escort Ashley to the charity event. They make out for a while before Ash tells him that Kyla will be joining them. Aiden seems a little pissy about this until Kyla struts in wearing a slinky little blue dress, which somehow makes it all OK. The scene in Season 1 in which Aiden was getting off on watching Ash and Spence almost kiss was creepy, but watching him salivate as he walks behind the Sisters Davies is just gross. He looks like their pimp.

Grandfather’s clock — The Carlins are gathered around the tube, somberly watching the video of Ash ranting about how much the world sucks. They decided to keep that part in the documentary? Maybe clipboard girl got to keep her internship after all. Chelsea’s interview is much sweeter, and you can tell that it provides some balm for the collective Carlin soul.

At the end of the program, Glen asks Spencer what made her decide to watch the show.

She tells them, “When I felt Chelsea’s baby, our niece or nephew, your grandchild.” Paula looks contemplative at the mention of the word “grandchild.” Arthur’s face, however, looks like this: He’s thinking, “I’m still too young and good-looking to be a Paw Paw!”

Sister act — At the charity event, the girls take a break from the dance floor to fawn all over Aiden. Ashley crawls into his lap and begins making out with him. Kyla watches for a minute, then asks him which one of them — her or Ashley — is a better kisser. Aiden offers to “check,” but Ashley grabs him and marks her turf. Meanwhile, Spencer is in bed (alone) at a reasonable hour, leaving Ashley a sweet “goodnight” message on her cell phone.

Yeah, it never would have worked anyway.

Manifest destiny on the dance floor —Kyla, moved to an ecstatic state by her own ritualistic dance moves, tells Ashley that she is having an epiphany. And then she shares it.

Kyla: Britney, God bless her, is a whack job. Lindsay is in and out of rehab, and Paris is not getting any younger. We are in the perfect place to be the next big thing, the next “it” girls: the Davies girls. Ashley: So much for your little spiritual journey. Kyla: No! Maybe this is our spiritual journey. Maybe this is what our dad intended us to be: “It” girls for a new age! Except we’ll be the ones that keep our panties on when we get out of the limo.
Keep Your Panties On is one of the Four Agreements, right?
Kyla: And there’s two of us, so we’ve got each other covered. Ashley: And you keep throwing that “us” word around again. Kyla: You’d better get used to it. Ashley: All we have to do now is move into our new place. Kyla: No, all we have to do now is dance.
Don Henley would be proud.

A wake-up call — It’s late, and Spencer is fast asleep and dreaming wholesome dreams when her cell phone rings. She answers with a groggy but happy, “I was hoping you would call.”

But it’s not Ashley. It’s … Madison?

Madison: I was worried it was too late. Spencer: Madison? Madison: You’ll never guess who called me. Jake, that dude from the Farmer’s Market. Girl, he asked me go out with him next week.
Spencer says, “Cool,” but it’s clear she doesn’t really care. She needs to make some gay friends who aren’t her ex.

Next week on South of Nowhere: Spencer strikes a pose, Aiden loses some clothes, and Ashley is asked to talk to not one but two hands.

Want to see scenes from this episode reenacted with Dollar Store dolls? Check out our new weekly South of Nowhere video blog!

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