“South of Nowhere” Recaps: Episode 3.3 “The It Girls”


The price isn’t right — Ashley and her bitch mother are checking out houses for sale on the internet because Ash’s $12.5 mil is burning a hole in her mother’s Coach bag. It’s not lost on Ash that her mother is all about “we” instead of “you, you miserable little shrew” to Ashley now that she’s inherited a bundle of money. She’s even talking about shacking up with Ash in her new property, which is stimulating Ashley’s gag reflex.

But because she’s Ash, she tells her mother off instead of saving it for her therapist and working on a new ulcer. She’s happy to send her on a vacation, Ashley says, but they now should essentially consider themselves divorced.

Her evil mom gets that arch, Dynasty diva look on her face and tells Ash that she’s making a big mistake. Kyla 2.0 (she’s changed a lot in her second season, don’t you think?) does a drive-by through Ashley’s room and makes a snappy comment about high-end real estate being a lousy investment in the current market (she’s been watching Flipping Out). Then Kyla proposes that she and Ash buy a place together while she figures out which commune she’ll be moving to.

Do you like to draw, paint, sketch or doodle? — Over at Chelsea’s studio, she’s attempting to sketch a portrait of Glen, but she’s just not feeling the magic. She’s frustrated with her lack of skill, so Glen takes a look at her sketch pad. I’m thinking he’s going to see this:

or maybe this:

But it’s really just kind of a standard crappy drawing of him. I think that Clay/Clayla Jr. is sucking the creativity right out of her. Just like Dad!

Trauma is served — At the Carlin homestead, the family is preparing to sit down for dinner, and Glen is babbling about Chelsea being “upset” because she’s knocked up. “Women and their hormones,” he sighs, as if he knows anything about either.

He tries to get Arthur to side with him, but his dad skips out of the kitchen in his apron, carrying a big tray of food and playing dumb. Nope, he doesn’t know anything about how women can be. Paula says, “That’s right, beyotch!” and slaps him on the ass.

In her head.

And what the hell is Paula wearing? The figure-hugging top with the high-riding little belt looks like a castoff from Olivia Newton-John’s “Physical” video. It’s a nightmare in teal.

Glen is just about to shut off the TV when he sees the promo for the MTV True Life documentary about the King High shooting. A giant, goofy picture of Clay flashes across the screen.

Narrator: He took a date to the prom and never came home.

They flash the dorktastic photo again, and Spencer flips her wig. She’s not going to watch the documentary; it’s just too upsetting. Conversely, Glen’s just excited to learn that Clay got a mention. Maybe this will get him some mercy sex!

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