Previously on The Fosters, Ana went missing on the same night Mike got loaded and came home with blood all over his hands. On that same fateful night, Brandon got drunk and Dani decided that she should have some statutory rape with her boyfriend’s 16-year-old son. Emma dumped Jesus, but he got over her with Hayley. Callie met her doppelganger who must have been created in a clone lab to be extra creepy. Jude finally had enough and decided if no one appreciates him, he’s going all Silent Bob for the foreseeable future.
Callie wakes up to the sound of heavy breathing coming from Mariana’s side of the room. She freezes not really wanting to see what Mariana is doing. Turns out Mariana is only practicing her dance routine (not a euphemism). Callie says, “Wow, I’m glad you weren’t doing what I thought you were doing.” Mariana says “Ew! Despite being raised in a household that allows for expressions of teenage sexuality including a full hashtag for ‘Jesus Time’ I am still crippled by the outmoded idea that female masturbation is shameful.”
Callie scampers off to talk to Jude while they do some synchronized teeth-brushing. When my kids are crabby sometimes I sing songs and screw up the words. They can’t resist telling me I’m wrong and it breaks them out of their funk. But Jude isn’t falling for Callie’s Mad Lib version of “Twinkle Twinkle.” He attends to his oral hygiene in silence.
Down in the kitchen everyone but Jude is making a plan for not freaking him out. They need to lower his stress level and not make a big deal about the fact that he won’t talk. Odds are good that Jesus is going to take advantage of the situation by saying “Unless you disagree I am going to take your side of the room.” Of course in the middle of this Jude walks in and everyone hurries to pretend they weren’t talking about him. For the number of crimes they have all committed you’d think they would be better liars.
Sophia drops by before her nanny whisks her off to school to give Callie her very own version of the Barbara Bush collection jacket Sophia was wearing last week. Oh lord. Ten bucks says Sophia is just trying to see if it fits so she can measure Callie for a skin suit. Callie walks in with her Junior League uniform and sees Jude who marches past her without a word.
Callie is talking to Wyatt at school and the hair model suggests that maybe Jude is exerting a little control over his otherwise chaotic life and that it has nothing to do with Callie and her half sister/stalker/clone. Hayley smacks Jesus on the ass as he walks by. Okay you two, this isn’t a locker room. Emma is waiting to tell Jesus that maybe she made a mistake. To his credit he tells her that a girl who knows what she wants is good thing. You’re damn right it is, kiddo.
Connor walks into Lena’s office looking like someone who lost his best friend. He tells Lena that his dad thinks Jude is gay and that’s why he can’t sleep over anymore. The poor kid is torn up about not telling his dad to shove it. Lena is the picture of restraint. Instead of looking like she wants to throttle Connor’s dad she tells Connor that it’s not his fault. Some people have assholes for parents, just ask the kids in Rosewood.
At the precinct, Stef, the lesbian dreamboat in librarian specs and her uniform, is perusing Ana’s dental records to see if they are a match for the girl they dug out of the DiLaurentis’ backyard. Mike plops down and asks how the pregnancy is going and they reminisce about when Stef was pregnant and Mike gained all that sympathy weight. Stef can’t believe they are going to have six kids (things you could have thought about before getting pregnant). Mike tells her that she and Lena are the best moms, despite their kids recent detours into illegal activities, and they will do a great job. After Mike leaves the detective comes in and tells Stef that the Jane Doe in the morgue was murdered and Stef lies and says she doesn’t have Ana’s records.
At Mike’s house of guilt, Dani gets a call from Mike saying he will be home late. Brandon gets up to leave and Dani is just the worst. She guilts him for using her to get back at his dad, ignores the fact that he was drunk and 16 when she had sex with him, and then tells him that if he tells Mike that Mike will never forgive him. She’s a monster and he, to his credit, tells her to take her empanadas and stuff it.
Jesus barges into Mariana’s room wanting to know why she didn’t tell him that Emma came to see him while he was busy making out with Hayley. Mariana tells him to sort his teenage boy shit out and to stop screwing around with her friends. He agrees to be honest with the two girls as soon as he can sort out what to say and whether it’s ethical to have some more sex before breaking up with one of them.
Downstairs, Jude is playing a video game when Lena comes in to chat. She explains about Connor telling her what happened with his dad. She’s livid at Connor’s dad but she feels sorry for Connor because it sure must suck growing up in a house like that. She wants Jude to know he can tell them anything, even if he thinks it will make them upset. He’s the kid, he doesn’t need to protect the grown-ups. In this family, the grown-ups do the protecting.
Speaking of not telling his mom stuff, Brandon is snappish in his room. He just really wants to get his homework done and eating dinner with Dani was getting in the way. Stef sits down and waits for Brandon to spill what’s eating him. Instead he asks for permission to go out to “the woodshed” with the band the next day. She may not have Lena’s empathic superpower but Stef knows he’s holding back.
Lena is sitting in the bed of forgotten sex and wishing that the first trimester would be over so she can get to the fourth month when her energy and sex drive will come back (Phoebe and Rachel are out hunting for a suitable replacement for Evander Holyfield.) Stef says, yeah baby that sounds nice but I think Mike’s a murderer. Lena can’t imagine Mike killing Ana but tells Stef that she has to turn in the dental records.
Brandon and the city kids are tromping through the woods. Turns out the “woodshed” is really a cliff and some pot brownies. Brandon says no thanks but finally relents because peer pressure is exactly as dangerous as they taught you in D.A.R.E.
Back at school Jesus is doing a terrible job of disentangling himself from the mess of girls. Hayley is a stage-five clinger and wants to tell everyone that they are a couple while he would like to tell no one ever because Emma is cute and fun and not super clingy. Instead of saying that he kisses her some more.
Back on the cliff, the drummer is playing the guitar and they are making songs out of rejected Dr. Seuss rhymes. When Lou plays a word association game with Brandon he pairs sex and guilt before starting to freak out. He stumbles into the woods.
In the house that is almost as busy as Grand Central, Callie has decided that she wants to have sex with Wyatt. She wants to take some control back in her life. Wyatt double, triple, quadruple checks that she’s sure.
Brandon is wandering around the woods and freaking the hell out. He sends a text back up to the top of the hill and then makes a phone call. Back home, Callie and Wyatt are hooking up until Callie starts to panic. She says she feels like she can’t breathe, pushes him away, and leaves the room.
Brandon is in the fetal position on the side of the hill when Lena pulls up. When she asks if he’s okay he says he had a pot brownie and he’s losing his shit. She smirks the most delicious smirk and tells him that they will get through it together. Lena says, I’m your mom, this is what we do. And oh, sonny boy, your mom and I are going to laugh about this for a long time.
Hayley is telling Mariana about Jesus’ deeply flawed break-up technique. They are officially official and it’s so great. Mariana looks at her like she has seven heads and tries to warn Hayley about Jesus and his inability to do anything right. Hayley doesn’t really pay attention and suggests that Mariana break the news to Emma, because that’s the kind thing to do.
Wyatt drops Callie off at the Burger Palace and tries to find out if he did something wrong. She tries to stifle her freak out while he tries to patch up whatever it was that went wrong. Callie, clearly still flustered, says she loves him and gets out of the car.
Across town, Dani is flipping out at Stef over Mike’s irregular work hours. She wants Stef to pull Mike’s time sheets and figure out if he’s drinking or using drugs or cheating on Dani. Stef is all “am I my ex-husband’s keeper?” But Dani lays on the guilt as thick as possible. Stef isn’t having it until Dani mentions how much Brandon would be hurt if Mike is drinking again. Yes, keep telling yourself you care about hurting Brandon. Inside the precinct, Stef runs into the detective who says the dental records already went to the coroner.
Lena is walking Bradon around a field like he’s a constipated labrador. She tells him that the choices they make change them forever. He starts an intense riff on Crime and Punishment and how one wrong choice can ruin your life for good. Lena isn’t exactly sure what’s up with Mr. Paranoid.
At the House of Burgers, Callie is doing her best “out, out damn spot” on the table and Daphne tells her to chill out before she takes the paint off. Daphne asks what is going on and Callie tries to work through her panic with Wyatt. She thinks it’s because she still loves Brandon (ABC Family, you need to fuck off with your #Brallie4Ever hashtags. Seriously, pick your spots, people). But when she stands up and looks into the restaurant and sees Liam. She starts to panic again until the guy turns around and it’s clearly not Liam.
Lena thanks Brandon for calling her. He takes a moment to remind her that he had no other options since none of his siblings can drive and Stef would have read him the riot act. Lena says they love him unconditionally. She shouldn’t have to say this since he committed every felony possible last season and they haven’t shown signs of disciplining him at all. He says nothing will ever be the same again. She’s like, dude it was a pot brownie! Then he tells her that he slept with Dani. Dani, Lena is going to kill you with her bare hands and her super mama strength.
At the precinct, Stef runs into Mike and he says he’s no longer working doubles and better get home or risk the wrath of his rapist girlfriend. Back at home, Jesus is mad at Mariana for telling Emma that he was with Hayley. He tries to tell her that his love life isn’t her business. She fires back that his bad choices are not her fault and that he’s a terrible boyfriend. He accuses her of just trying to stay popular on the dance team. Hey, they’re both right!
Lena comes to talk to Brandon and he begs her not to tell anyone about Dani. She says what happened was illegal and she won’t promise to keep it from Stef. When your moms are both mandatory reporters of sexual abuse, they really don’t have a choice. He’s afraid Mike will fall off the wagon and will never see Brandon the same way again. Brandon, you aren’t responsible for the adults in your life, they are responsible for you.
Callie walks in and tries to talk to Jude. He’s still playing video games. She reminds him that they are a good team and then sends a message on the screen (her screen name CallieAmity and his is Judicorn, naturally). She tells him that she thought she saw Liam and he stops playing and holds her hand.
Stef follows Mike to a shitty hotel. He changes out of his uniform and walks into one of the rooms. She almost leaves but then heads for the door. Stef, the last time you pulled something like this you ended up shot, so maybe think twice? She knocks on the door and guess who opens it, Ana. Apparently, she’s not dead yet.
