“The Fosters” recap (2.5): Panic! at the woodshed


Previously on The Fosters, Ana went missing on the same night Mike got loaded and came home with blood all over his hands. On that same fateful night, Brandon got drunk and Dani decided that she should have some statutory rape with her boyfriend’s 16-year-old son. Emma dumped Jesus, but he got over her with Hayley. Callie met her doppelganger who must have been created in a clone lab to be extra creepy. Jude finally had enough and decided if no one appreciates him, he’s going all Silent Bob for the foreseeable future.

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Callie wakes up to the sound of heavy breathing coming from Mariana’s side of the room. She freezes not really wanting to see what Mariana is doing. Turns out Mariana is only practicing her dance routine (not a euphemism). Callie says, “Wow, I’m glad you weren’t doing what I thought you were doing.” Mariana says “Ew! Despite being raised in a household that allows for expressions of teenage sexuality including a full hashtag for ‘Jesus Time’ I am still crippled by the outmoded idea that female masturbation is shameful.”

Callie scampers off to talk to Jude while they do some synchronized teeth-brushing. When my kids are crabby sometimes I sing songs and screw up the words. They can’t resist telling me I’m wrong and it breaks them out of their funk. But Jude isn’t falling for Callie’s Mad Lib version of “Twinkle Twinkle.” He attends to his oral hygiene in silence.

Down in the kitchen everyone but Jude is making a plan for not freaking him out. They need to lower his stress level and not make a big deal about the fact that he won’t talk. Odds are good that Jesus is going to take advantage of the situation by saying “Unless you disagree I am going to take your side of the room.” Of course in the middle of this Jude walks in and everyone hurries to pretend they weren’t talking about him. For the number of crimes they have all committed you’d think they would be better liars.

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Sophia drops by before her nanny whisks her off to school to give Callie her very own version of the Barbara Bush collection jacket Sophia was wearing last week. Oh lord. Ten bucks says Sophia is just trying to see if it fits so she can measure Callie for a skin suit. Callie walks in with her Junior League uniform and sees Jude who marches past her without a word.

Callie is talking to Wyatt at school and the hair model suggests that maybe Jude is exerting a little control over his otherwise chaotic life and that it has nothing to do with Callie and her half sister/stalker/clone. Hayley smacks Jesus on the ass as he walks by. Okay you two, this isn’t a locker room. Emma is waiting to tell Jesus that maybe she made a mistake. To his credit he tells her that a girl who knows what she wants is good thing. You’re damn right it is, kiddo.

Connor walks into Lena’s office looking like someone who lost his best friend. He tells Lena that his dad thinks Jude is gay and that’s why he can’t sleep over anymore. The poor kid is torn up about not telling his dad to shove it. Lena is the picture of restraint. Instead of looking like she wants to throttle Connor’s dad she tells Connor that it’s not his fault. Some people have assholes for parents, just ask the kids in Rosewood.

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At the precinct, Stef, the lesbian dreamboat in librarian specs and her uniform, is perusing Ana’s dental records to see if they are a match for the girl they dug out of the DiLaurentis’ backyard. Mike plops down and asks how the pregnancy is going and they reminisce about when Stef was pregnant and Mike gained all that sympathy weight. Stef can’t believe they are going to have six kids (things you could have thought about before getting pregnant). Mike tells her that she and Lena are the best moms, despite their kids recent detours into illegal activities, and they will do a great job. After Mike leaves the detective comes in and tells Stef that the Jane Doe in the morgue was murdered and Stef lies and says she doesn’t have Ana’s records.

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At Mike’s house of guilt, Dani gets a call from Mike saying he will be home late. Brandon gets up to leave and Dani is just the worst. She guilts him for using her to get back at his dad, ignores the fact that he was drunk and 16 when she had sex with him, and then tells him that if he tells Mike that Mike will never forgive him. She’s a monster and he, to his credit, tells her to take her empanadas and stuff it.

Jesus barges into Mariana’s room wanting to know why she didn’t tell him that Emma came to see him while he was busy making out with Hayley. Mariana tells him to sort his teenage boy shit out and to stop screwing around with her friends. He agrees to be honest with the two girls as soon as he can sort out what to say and whether it’s ethical to have some more sex before breaking up with one of them.

Downstairs, Jude is playing a video game when Lena comes in to chat. She explains about Connor telling her what happened with his dad. She’s livid at Connor’s dad but she feels sorry for Connor because it sure must suck growing up in a house like that. She wants Jude to know he can tell them anything, even if he thinks it will make them upset. He’s the kid, he doesn’t need to protect the grown-ups. In this family, the grown-ups do the protecting.

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Speaking of not telling his mom stuff, Brandon is snappish in his room. He just really wants to get his homework done and eating dinner with Dani was getting in the way. Stef sits down and waits for Brandon to spill what’s eating him. Instead he asks for permission to go out to “the woodshed” with the band the next day. She may not have Lena’s empathic superpower but Stef knows he’s holding back.

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