“The Fosters” recap (2.4): Men behaving less badly


Previously on The Fosters, Stef and Lena went away and left Callie and Brandon in charge. The Adams Foster kids threw a rager, Jesus had sex with Hayley, Mariana babysat a drunk girl, and Brandon turned his creepy foster sister love song into a kind of catchy tune. Connor said he couldn’t hang out with allegedly gay Jude, but snuck over and almost kissed his little face during spin the bottle. Callie found out she had a half-sister/twin and that her biological father is a creepy stalker.

In order to make room for Brandon’s ego or band or whatever, the family decides to clean out the garage. In it they find a beer bottle from the party, some ugly crap, a bicycle named after Stef’s ex-husband, and Lena’s genealogy. Hey look at all your kids with your family history, you should appreciate it because Jude and Callie have a picture in a handkerchief they tied in a bandana when they traveled with Smokey Lonesome and the boys. In the midst of cleaning euphoria, Lena lets slip they are having a girl.

Fosters 2041Babe, I thought you only blurted stuff out in bed.

Callie shows Jude a picture of her clone/half sister and they engage in a spirited debate about the meaning of family and how genetics figure in. It boils down to the fact that twinsy McQuinn is her half sister and Jude is technically her half-brother but Callie considers him her number one brother, always. Sometimes the names we have for things don’t adequately reflect their true meaning.

At school the next morning, Connor comes over and sort of apologizes for lying to Jude and then for not being able to stand up to his dad. Jude sort of looks at Connor but then walks away. Some lady is telling Lena about how awesome she is and how well she is going to do as the new principal. Timothy, the angel of death to all that is good, swoops in to tell Lena he has hired an attorney because he wants that baby, dammit! Next week, he’ll be kidnapping little Angelica from a botched lesbian wedding.

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Mariana is shocked to find that someone has taken the fall for the dance team getting bombed at the Adams Foster party. Of course it’s not Regina George, rules are only for her minions. Time for tryouts to find who wants to be Anchor Beach’s next back-up dancer. Across the gym, Emma thinks Jesus is looking at her and starts up an awkward chat. Really, he’s looking at Hayley because they did the sex in the previously unclean garage. Hayley, tells Mariana that she can’t believe Jesus hasn’t called her after they hooked up at the party.

Back at home, Mariana is pissed because Jesus’ penis seems to only pick the girls who she is friends with. She challenges him to date a girl in science club for a change. Yep, science is exactly what he and Hayley were up to in the garage. Jude walks in and Jesus tries to get some sympathy but Jude just glides on by without saying a word.

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In a tangle of glorious hair, Wyatt and Callie and making out with each other’s faces on the beach. He wants to make sweet, sandy love to her (in spite of Emma’s PSA on the pitfalls of getting down in the sand). She tells him that having sex with him is a violation of her parole. The sound you hear is a million teenage lesbians jotting down the perfect excuse not to have sex with their boyfriends. He tells her that he will wait forever and that he loves her and she’s like “Gee thanks, Lloyd Dobler, have a pen.”

Brandon is taking out all is sensitive feelings on his keyboard. Callie walks in and tells him it sounds good and, by the way, she’s going to meet her half- sister. Lou barges in and Callie leaves. She cracks that Callie isn’t Brandon’s real sister, and the guy who spent the better part of last season trying to get with Callie has the audacity to get riled up about Lou insinuating that they aren’t really family. Twenty-five episodes you act like a dope and now you finally get it and we’re supposed to roll over and thank our lucky stars? Sorry, Brandon, I don’t downshift that fast.

Lena is hiding her bump this week with a text book. While she reads to Stef about how kids do better when you talk to them (DUH!) Stef wants to know why Lena won’t talk about Spermothy. Lena pulls out her “get out of processing free” card and slaps it on the bed. She has to think about her interview in the morning, not Timothy and his hair full of conniving. Stef is ready to Miss Marple the crap out of her visit to the Quinn’s house of stalking and manipulation.

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Lena is sitting on one side of a table putting on a show like Spencer Hastings at a quiz bowl. Timothy consults the law, then chucks it out the window when he asks her about being pregnant. This is so blatantly illegal I just starting shouting at the television. Lena handles it well (she does not yell at anyone) and, of course, wins over everyone at the table.

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