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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.03): Two mama drama

Sometimes this show makes my life hard. Sometimes this show makes my life easy. This week this show made my life ridiculously easy. Hell, it was like a vacation to Subtext Island. You know the place, separated only by Sweeps Week Isle from Lesbos proper. I just punched my ticket and sipped pina coladas through this whole recap. Metaphorically.

Right, so on with the action. Maura is with Jane at the doctor’s office because I always take my best friend with me to see the OBGYN. Don’t you? Jane is in one of those hospital gowns guaranteed to show off your ass because people who go through four years of undergraduate work, four years of medical training and then three years of postgraduate residency have a sick sense of humor about what the universe owes them.

Maura is in the examination room, helping Jane fill out her new patient information forms. You know, like any married couple. She runs through the important medical questions: Has Jane ever had chicken pox? Deep vein thrombosis? Chlamydia? Wait, Maura, honey, you’re a doctor — I know you already asked Jane already about her STD history before starting a sexual relationship.

Jane is annoyed, because Jane is always annoyed. But it’s her fault this time because she insisted on going to a new OBGYN far away from her house to avoid detection. She doesn’t want Col. Beard Force to find out via neighborhood gossip. Maura asks if she is having second thoughts about marrying him, but Jane is like, “Please, you know we’re gay, right?”

But, like a good closeted gay, Jane insists on keeping her pregnancy a secret for a while longer. She doesn’t want anyone but Maura to know. Maura’s eyes get big because she knows she has already fallen to the power of the mother-in-law guilt. As the new doctor walks in, Maura runs out saying, “She already knows, don’t kill me, I love you, I’ll be in the car.”

The examination over, Jane and Maura head back to the office, the latter filled with apologies. She didn’t exactly tell her. Mama Rizzoli just knew. She is sorry. Please don’t withhold sex. You know, normal girlfriend awkward familial relations negotiations. But Jane can’t be too mad. She knows Mama R’s tricks. In fact, she demonstrates them for Maura. Naturally, this involves grabbing her hand. Those gals will use any excuse to sneak in some Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching.

See, this is all a shtick Mama R does to weasel the truth out of someone. The Latin, the psychic grandmother, the palm reading. Lies! Scurrilous, well-practiced lies! Maura notes both Rizzoli women’s uncanny ability to get people to confess. Jane wonders if it’s a veiled reference to her future parenting style. Maura’s like, “Sweetie, darling—we all know you’re going to be bad cop already.” And they share some quickie eye sex because once the baby comes there’ll be precious little time for such shenanigans.

So now it’s time to deal with Mama R. They have a classic mother-daughter Abbott-Costello stand off. Who is on first? What? No, What is on second base? Who? No, What? And repeat. Finally Jane tells her to give it up because she talked with Maura. Mama R’s response is some sounds only dogs can hear. Jane tolerates the squeals and hugs because she knows an unhappy mother means an unhappy Maura. I mean, her mom lives with her girlfriend. And you thought your in-law situation was confusing.

Jane tells her to not even go there with the Casey stuff. And lesbian fandom says in unison, “Hallelujah!” She also tells Mama R to not tell anyone else. Jane doesn’t want the department to find out and stick her on desk duty. We don’t either, there’s so much less call for the Ponytail of Righteous Justice when just filing cases. But, we all know Mama R is destined to fail with at least one of these commands. So I’d really rather it be the latter. Sorry, Jane.

Duty calls, and Jane gives her mom one last “I’m serious, don’t be such a mom”-look and then leaves. Once there, Jane is walking and Maura is hobbling her way to the crime scene. Maura is getting her field boots resoled, so instead she is wearing stilettos into the rocky, muddy, bumpy field. Not to get all Det. Jane Rizzoli, but really, Maura? Really? Jane can do little more than guffaw at her fashion-forward girlfriend and offer her a gallant arm. Tell me that doesn’t look like they’re about to be crowned King and Queen of the Police Ball.

After leaving her chivalrous escort, Maura goes to examine the body. A man has been shot and covered in what appears to be strawberry jam. Oh, wait, sorry, that’s blood. Don’t judge me, I’m hungry. Frankie pops up and says he has found a fresh grave. Jane trips a little on her way over and Frankie steadies her. Jane does not like this development because, duh, chivalry is her thing.

The crime remains a riddle wrapped in an enigma, but luckily Senior Criminalist Susie Chang is on the case. Aw, I’m sure happy to see her again even though she’s the biggest Captain Crotchblock on the show. I am also happy to learn more things about her. Like she is also an artist and studied in Paris for a year before medical school. Criminalist, nudist, artist — yep, that Susie is an interesting gal.

Since we’re all sharing, Korsak reveals he cut an album before he became a cop. Remember last season when we learned Bruce McGill can play guitar beautifully? Oh, the sweet sound of continuity. I like it when the actors’ real personalities seep onto the screen. Speaking of real personalities, Jane walks into the lab to find Maura standing on a ball. Yes, viewing audience, Dr. Maura Isles is standing on a blue ball. I can’t even make that up. That is what is happening. It’s like this show can’t even help itself.

It’s not lost on Jane either, who notes with disgust (or is it respect?), “You’re standing on balls.” Whoa, whoa, whoa — no need to perpetuate the man-hating lesbian stereotype, show. (Just kidding, stand on all the balls you want, Maura.)

Jane tells her girlfriend she has a very simple fix to her foot problems, “Stop wearing high heels.” Spoken like such a butch. Then Maura says something about “knobby balls” and Jane makes that face every lesbian makes when confronted with too much talk of balls, knobby or otherwise.

Maura then babbles on about Jane incorporating elements of Chinese medicine in her health care now that they’re having a baby. Jane thinks about it for two seconds before saying, “No.” Maura smiles and ever the patient, long-suffering girlfriend compliments Jane on “keeping an open mind.”

Then interesting forensics and intriguing evidence happens and I’m getting confused. Then Korsak mentions his life coach again, that’s the third mention in three episodes, and I’m even more confused. I haven’t guessed the killer in the first five minutes and there’s consistent continuity. Am I watching the right show?

Frankie and Jane go to discuss the case over a cup of coffee. Little Rizzoli eagerly offers to buy her a cup. Makes sure it’s decaf. Offers her a chair. Yep, Frankie knows. Mama R told because she was strictly following Jane’s instructions not to tell anyone. Frankie, you see, isn’t just “anyone” — hence the loophole.

Jane decides threats are the only way to go to get her mom to keep her secret. She’ll name the baby after Mama R’s “El Diablo” cousin Constantina — boy or a girl. Aw, defying the gender binary already. Atta girl, Jane. To prove this is no idle threat and she intends to embrace the gender spectrum instead, Jane leaves with an extra sassy stare down. Folks are already standing on balls, let’s just go ahead and smash the damn patriarchy all to pieces up in this joint. Word.

Frankie and Korsak go to follow a lead and eat some Reubens. Frankie wonders why it’s called corned beef and, goodness, isn’t he so much more likeable now that he’s no longer making googly eyes at Maura? Also, Francesco Jr., it’s called corned beef because of the large rock salt, or corns of salt, used to cure it.

Back in the office, Korsak tells Jane there’s something they need to talk about. No, it’s not the bun in her lady oven. It’s a file with replacements for Frost. Ooof. Sudden gut kick, accomplished. Jane says it is too soon. Korsak thinks it is too soon. But orders are orders. And Korsak wants Jane to have some say in the choice. I’m just so impressed with how they are handling this right now. It was a terrible situation, but they’ve done the best they can. And it has been respectful, ongoing and deeply felt. Jane puts the file in her desk and the camera lingers on Frost’s action figure. The sentinel still stands, as it should.

Jane and Maura are talking over the replacement news outside. Maura is offering comforting TGTGT shoulder rubs. I’m trying to figure out where they are. It’s not outside the police station. Or Jane’s place. Or Maura’s place. Then Tommy emerges and we realize, it’s outside one of his AA meetings. They want to take him out to dinner and tell him about Jane’s pregnancy—together. Makes sense, that’s what couples do. They tell their families together.

Tommy already knows, of course—Mama R and her loopholes. He has also blabbed it to his friends in AA, but it’s OK because everything is anonymous there. It’s in the name, people. Jane is less than thrilled, but Maura is ecstatic. Also, she sees this as a perfect opportunity to pump Tommy for parenting advice. See, Maura is going to be such a good mother to little Baby Rizzoli-Isles. And, as you might expect, she is already taking serious notes for her future co-parenting duties about baby furniture assembly and the importance of Swedish dictionaries.

True to form, the next morning Maura reprimands Jane when she finds her about to scarf down some delicious snack pack cupcake. (It’s Hostess, by the way—I know my chocolatey treats.) She demands Jane surrender the yummy goodness and promptly reads off its less-than-appetizing ingredients. Stuff found in rocks, stuff found in soap, stuff found in latex paint. Maura unceremoniously dumps them in the garbage, which I an only assume means Hostess wouldn’t pay for a sponsorship. Well, that and she is a totally good girlfriend and just looking out for the health of her lady and their baby.

On the way to another crime scene, Jane and Maura are still talking about the cupcake. Jane says it wasn’t a hostile act, but Maura having none of it says, “Our baby is not coming out with three eyes and cloven feet because you’ve been eating processed crap.” Please, that was the essence of her complaint and you know it.

Though once they arrive at the body, I don’t think anyone feels like eating anything — processed or organic. Um, I sincerely hope you weren’t eating spaghetti while watching this episode.

In the office, Frankie is busy being Frost and running database and image searches to find out more about their victims. The men were all unemployed and looking for work. They had answered online ads offering a job on a farm. Though with a photo posted on all of the ads they narrow it down to a specific place in western Ohio. While they explain the geographic triangulation fairly believably, we all know it was probably just the Magical Mystery Enhance button installed on all TV computers.

Korsak heads down to the autopsy room where Maura and Susie are examining the newest victim’s skull. Alas, poor Yorick. Maura helps Korsak narrow down his search with a little off-the-books forensic psychology. Seriously, can you believe we’re this far in and no one has any idea whodunit? Not to get all Vizzini on this situation, but inconceivable!

But, confounding as this case is, Jane isn’t thinking about whodunit right now. She’s thinking about how to tell Beard Force. Maura comes in, sensing something is wrong. Jane is like, “We finally got this beard thing over with. We were free. Everything was great. Then, boom, pregnant lesbian storyline.”

So Jane is bracing herself for The Talk with Casey. When in doubt, go with, “I’m pregnant. Can you pass the turnips?” Maura calls right before the dreaded Skype session. She checks to see if Jane wrote down notes to direct the conversation in a focused way because she’s Maura and she’s adorable. Then the call comes in and the camera pans out. Thank God Chris Vance got The Transporter series. I mean it. Think of what might have happened if he was still fully available. *shudder*

The next morning Jane is at Maura’s. Do I even need to keep typing that? It’s basically a given at this point. Maura wants to know how it went with Beard Force. I can only assume they spent the night, um, snuggling instead of talking. Jane says it went “fine,” and Maura is like, “Oh no, we are processing this thing out like good lesbians. Talk.”

Just when Jane is starting to open up about her insecurities and fears about becoming a mom, her mom walks in. Geez, don’t you know the lesbian processing space is sacred and should not be interrupted under any circumstances? Don’t make me dub you General Crotchblock, woman. Still Mama R tells her fear is natural and good because kids are a big pain in the ass, but worth it. Or something. I wouldn’t know—I have cats.

Maura then tries to pump Mama R for all the problems Jane caused her as a kid. Pumping the mother-in-law for dirt. Classic girlfriend move is classic.

The team tracks the leads to the son of the former farm owner. He’s a middle-aged white guy with a gray ponytail. A waitress at a cafĂ© where he met a potential victim sums it up perfectly: “Looks ridiculous on an old guy like him.” Throwing shade at all ponytails that are not the Ponytail of Righteous Justice? I like it.

When they get back to the office, Jane decides it’s time to tell another just anyone in her life and let’s Korsak know she is pregnant. He congratulates her and tells her he’s honored to be included in the chosen few who she has told. I have to say, I really like what they’ve been doing with Vince lately. He has become the kindest soul on this show. And, Kiki is right, I like his suits.

But the moment is broken up by Frankie, who tells them they’ve found the truck the ponytailed suspect was driving. Crime waits for no warm and fuzzy moments, people. The team arrives on scene, Jane with her Ponytail of Righteous Justice, just to show him how it’s really done. The officer who pulled him over has been shot in the leg, so the detectives fan out. Chasing a crazy potential serial killer with midlife crisis hair with a firearm? What could go wrong?

He fires at Jane, she runs after him, then she full on Superwoman leaps into the air and shoots him. All that is missing is her cape.

The suspect is dead, but Jane also landed with a thud. Frankie runs over. Is she hit? Is she hurt? Is the baby alright? Fine, I’ll admit, I don’t care quite as much about the baby. Hey, I told you I have cats. Luckily, everything is fine. She got the wind knocked out of her (though, having done that a few times, man that hurts). Everything is still intact.

Case solved, baddie deceased, it’s time finally time for our Big Gayzzoli Ending. What will it be? Eye Sex? TGTGT? Kisses? Nope, High Heel Yoga. Jane and Maura head to a class, with high heels in hand. But then Jane and Maura proceed to get ready in front of a shelf filled with other students’ heels, which have been left outside the classroom. So now I’m confused. Do you wear the heels in class? Or do you just bring them for decoration?

Jane is trying to be healthy, for Maura. As always. But she is also confused about the class? Is it really healthy, or is it just a way to model fabulous pumps? Jane decides it’s the latter. And then Det. Jane Rizzoli leaves and Angie Harmon enters the scene. She tries on a pair of the shoes and prances around in them for a bit.

Sasha Alexander laughs, but then she asks Jane to come back. Maura wants to ask her what she is really doing there with her. And then, finally, Jane admits it is because she wants Maura to raise the baby with her. Yes, really. Verbatim:

Jane: I realized I have to let you help me with this baby…. I can’t do this alone, Maura.
Maura agrees to raise the baby with her and be her village and they even seal it with some eye sex. Baby Rizzoli-Isles has two mommies, people. Get used to it. Just then a yoga center employee pops in, sees Jane wearing the borrowed footwear and is none too amused. Granted, I’d be pissed if someone put on my shoes while I wasn’t there, too. But she’s all rudesauce about it, and tells them to stay there while she goes to tattle to an instructor.

Jane and Maura decide to make a break for it and get a burger instead. See, that’s what makes these two so great—the push and the pull. Jane will eat a kale salad for Maura, Maura will skip out of yoga for a burger with Jane. Of course, she suggests a quinoa burger. Or teases her with a toe burger. And then they click their heels and live happily ever after. Yep, this week was a piece of cake.

Holy moly, all the Gayzzoli. If there’s one thing we all agreed on, it’s that Jane and Maura are gonna make great parents. Your so very #Gayzzoli tweets of the week. — Kate (@chemkate) July 2, 2014

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