What is love? That’s the question posed to the women of Litchfield on the eve of Valentine’s Day. Love, it turns out, it a whole lot of everything. Light and pain, and desire and laughter. It all depends who you ask.
The women in the kitchen are baking heart (and dick)-shaped cookies, and reminiscing about Valentine’s Day past. Helicopter rides, stolen funeral flowers, ain’t love grand? Gloria thinks Valentine’s Day is just a ruse to make people whose lives aren’t perfect to feel bad about themselves. Blanca, tells the ladies that Diablo, her boyfriend say, “There are no perfect couples but each couple is perfect in its own way.” That’s kind of beautiful, Diablo! CO Fisher tosses some sympathy to the women, acknowledging that holidays are particularly hard on the inmates. For her empathy, they give her a dick-shaped cookie, which she embarrassingly crams in her mouth when she sees Bennett coming round the bend.
A usual, Bennett is clueless but that’s part of his charm. He finds his way to Daya and they imagine a date they would be having if they were a normal couple. Aleida interrupts them, and sends Daya off so she can have words with Bennett. She hands him a list of contraband that she expects to be smuggled in in his prosthetic leg. Mother in laws; always with the blackmail.
In the A Dorm’s busted ass showers, the women are forced to soap up at the sinks before rinsing off for their allotted 30 seconds. Waiting their turn are Taystee and Vee, who are arguing about Vee’s request, no demand, that Taystee leave her beloved job at the library to join custodial. Vee pulls some manipulative puppet strings, reminding Taystee that she’s the one who got out of her foster home. (She’s also the reason that Taystee is in prison, but let’s not split hairs.) Poor Jimmie wanders in looking for her long dead husband Jack and his Valentine’s chocolates.
It’s Poussey’s turn to talk about love, which for her is chill and intense at the same time. She gets a faraway look in her eyes, and we flashback to an Army Base in Germany. In the common room, a group of young people has gathered to talk and goof around. Poussey is in a joint rolling contest with a beautiful red-haired German girl, and easily dominates. No hurt feelings though, because Poussey and the redhead are an item. They speak sweet nothings in German to each other and kiss. When a young British man joins them, Poussey chastises him for not bothering to learn the language. They are all children of Army officers stationed in Germany, who have moved around more times than they can count. Poussey is certain that this is their last and permanent stop however, as her dad made a promise. She resumes kissing her lady while the British boy asks if he can watch. She responds in a way we can all understand. “Nein, motherfucker. Nein.”
In custodial, Watson complains about her new job to Suzanne. Suzanne, who finds a lot of peace in her work, has a full on dramatic scene with a mop, defending Watson’s right to dislike her new position while still being respectful to Vee. Cindy and Big Boo join them, and Boo sets her sights on Watson, offering her a sensual massage. She also wants a piece of whatever action is happening, or at least enough to keep her mouth shut. Before she leaves she tells Watson, “Tomorrow night, I’m going to put the V in your Valentines.” It’s like a Hallmark card, for pervs! Watson gives her the double birds and Boo leaves. Cindy asks Suzanne, she of the many obsessive crushes, if she has a Valentine. Suzanne tells her no. From now on she’s focusing on herself, not validation from common yard weeds.
It’s visitor’s day, and Larry sits uncomfortably waiting for Piper. She walks in, trying to act as normal as possible. She announces that Valentine’s Day is also Florence Henderson’s birthday, reminding Larry about their past celebrations of naked Brady Bunch viewings and erotic kitchen oil usage. He quickly brings her back to reality by not playing along. This is the first time they’ve seen each other since their break up and it’s awkward. She gets serious and asks if when she gets out, can she come home to him. Larry is understandably hesitant, and wants a guarantee that Piper will still feel the same way when she’s released. That’s an assurance that Piper can’t give him and Larry is no longer willing to survive on hope. Larry has more pressing issues to discuss with Piper. He mentions that Andrew, the reporter, contacted him about his investigative piece on the financial irregularities at Litch. Larry thought it was such a good idea, that he plans to steal it and use Piper’s position on the inside to do so. Piper can’t believe what she’s hearing, knowing what Larry is asking could jeopardize her future freedom. She tells him to find his own way.
“You’re the moon Larry, you have got to stop being the moon.” Larry fires back at Piper, who assumes she is the sun. He’s having trouble moving on because everywhere he turns, her rays are shining down. That and all of her toiletries. They take up a lot of room. As he leaves, her gives Piper a dose of reality, “At least people can walk on the moon. Anyone gets near the sun, they burn right up.”
In the greenhouse, Red is tending to her plants while Vassily is blowtorching the sewer grate. He’s also crying because the girlfriend that gave him the shiner left him. Red is about as comforting as a drill sergeant. Jimmie wanders in, and Red convinces her that dear old Jack climbed into a taxi and rode off. When Jimmie goes off in search of the cab, Vassily breaks through the metal and Red’s pipeline is open for business.