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“Orange Is the New Black” recap (2.5): Low Self-Esteem City

You know, there is nothing worse that getting shampoo in your eye, right ladies (and a half dozen gents). Actually, there is something worse. Shit bubbling up from the drains like some sort of fecal geyser. Unfortunately, that’s what Gloria and the kitchen ladies are rudely greeted with before their breakfast shift. Gloria instructs the kitchen staff to head over to the other block of bathrooms, where Cindy, Poussey and a score of other inmates wait to hit to the showers. When Gloria tries to pull rank (no showers, no breakfast) Vee appears and instructs Gloria and her crew to get the hell out. Gloria is a little concerned about the fact that Vee already has an established a crew after just a few days at Litch. Things get heavy when Cindy and Flacca exchange insults and a few shoves. When Flacca goes down like a soccer player with a skinned knee, CO Maxwell steps in a starts handing out shots. Maxwell then gives a very perturbed Gloria the ok to take her shower.

Flashback to Gloria’s bodega, where she’s running the show. A disgruntled customer comes in, furious that his St. Peter candle didn’t help him land a job like she told him it would. He missed the part where you actually have to look for a job, but those are the breaks. Gloria goes in search of Lourdes, who is in charge of all things mystic. Lourdes is in the middle of a ritual, and agrees to help rid the customer of dark forces when she’s done. Back in the bodega, Gloria’s boyfriend Arturo has showed up and they are smitten kittens for each other. He’s worried that the back door to the bodega doesn’t lock, but Gloria leaves it that way for her little ones to come and go to their apartment upstairs from the shop. As he’s helping stock the shelves, a customer comes in and hands over his food stamps for cash. Gloria yells at the man that she doesn’t do that sort of thing, while slipping him a fifty. I guess one doesn’t exactly want to shout from the rooftops that they are committing fraud. When her boyfriend advises her not to be rude to customers, she comments on his always empty wallet. He surges with rage and slaps her hard across the face. Gloria is stunned.

In the cafeteria, Chang outlines the rules and points system of the “bang off” that Nicky and Boo have entered into. Rules: 1. Must be on prison grounds. (Done) 2. Must be human. (cough, peanut butter, cough) 3. Said lady must come. Nicky, she of the orgasm gift registry, asks if multiple orgasms score extra points. No! (Boo. Not Big Boo. Just boooo.) According to Chang, different girls count for different point values. Piper is appalled to only rake in a mere three points, proclaiming that she is not “easy.” Big Boo points out that Piper slept with her worst enemy, so yeah, totes not easy. Piper explains that she and Alex weren’t enemies at the time, and like their Facebook statuses state, it’s complicated. Pennsatucky slithers on over to their table, wanting to know what they are up to. Bad timing, Tucky.

Also in the caf, Vee and her crew are eating breakfast, and complaining about the bathroom takeover. Vee starts reminiscing about the good old days when she ruled the roost, but the other women scoff and roll their eyes. Vee tells them that if they don’t stand up now, Gloria and her girls will walk all over them. Just like my fifth grade piano teacher would tell us: Bitches need to learn manners. Suzanne gets what Vee is saying. It’s all about the cutlery placement.

In the greenhouse, Red and her crew are damp and shivering as they get started cleaning out a space for their new garden. Poor Jimmy thinks it’s 1948, so Red sends her to pull some weeds and stay out of harms way. Healy interrupts them to steal Red away for a minute for some Russian wooing advice. He wants to take his new wife Katya to see a high school production of Our Town, which sounds like the kind of torture that would happen in the Saw franchise. Red gives Healy the boot, letting him know that she no longer cares to be his go-to gal for insipid advice. When he gives her his pathetic puppy face, she relents and tells him to take his wife to a romantic Italian restaurant.

It’s visitor’s day, and Ruiz’s boyfriend and adorable baby are there. So are Cal and Piper’s mom. Her mother is still denial about Piper and Larry’s breakup, and Piper’s queerness for that matter. She offers to find Piper a nice man, but apparently she didn’t get the memo that Piper likes ’em tall, dangerous and Alex shaped. Neither Miri nor Piper’s father have come to visit. Well, technically Miri is there but her questionable background check has left her spouting conspiracy theories to an eight-year-old in the lobby. Piper assumes that her father hasn’t come because he doesn’t want to see his little girl in prison, but he actually stayed home for another reason. To prove what wonderfully sick bastards the Chapman’s are, Cal and Piper’s mother make Piper play twenty questions to find out what tragic event has kept her father at home. It’s Nana. Her beloved Nana is dying.

In the kitchen, Caputo barges in to harass Gloria about using the B Dorm bathrooms. Considering the rivers of shit that are currently flowing from her bathroom, Caputo doesn’t have a leg to stand on. He’s ordered a plumber but that could take days. He’s just pissed that she didn’t ask. He leaves but not before letting her know that she’s replaceable. Douche.

Flashback to Gloria and Lourdes sitting in a playground, watching Gloria’s little ones play. Gloria’s all banged up on account of her good for nothing boyfriend. Lourdes wants to get him deported, but Gloria still defends Arturo claiming that he’s good to the kids. Arturo shows up, begging for forgiveness, promising to change and using the same lines every abusive son-of-a-bitch has used since the dawn of time. While Lourdes says a prayer of protection over the Gloria, Gloria takes Arturo back.

Big Boo drops by the rec room to brag to Nicky about her recent conquest. Nicky is unimpressed with Boo’s recent paramour, and has her eyes set on a bigger fish. Nicky sweetly asks CO Fisher to turn up the volume on the TV so she can check out her uniformed ass, while smirking at Big Boo. If you’re going to bang, bang big.

At Healy’s house, Katya can hardly contain her disgust for her husband. He wants to take her out to dinner, but she’d rather spend time with her fellow lady friend. (How do you say “lesbianing” in Russian?) While Katya complains about her lonely life to her friend in their native tongue, Healy loses his temper and screams at Katya to speak English. As she fights back tears, Healy softens and apologizes. He even tries to speak to her in Russian, telling her that his friends are her friends. She coldly but truthfully points out that he doesn’t have any friends.

In A block, Gloria and her girls find a little surprise waiting for them, as they get ready for work. All their shoes are wet and tied together. Watson and Cindy stop by to gloat about their prank. Now, it’s on.

In Piper’s bunk, Red catches her looking at a picture of her grandmother. At first Piper keeps her Nana’s illness to herself, but she ends up telling Red about her. Red expresses her sympathy as they are all called to roll. Piper doesn’t want sympathy though. She’s trying things the Red way. Silent suffering. When Piper talks about letting go of the things you love, Red stops her in her tracks. “Fuck letting go,” she growls, as she looks over and sees Gina Murphy standing across from her.

In the A Dorm bathroom, Caputo and a plumber hash out the damages. Let me put it in technical terms: It’s fucked. Fig shows up and is far from happy to see an unapproved plumber working on the pipes. Since she was gone helping with her husband’s campaign, Caputo had to take matters into his own hands. When Fig finds out that replacing the plumbing will cost a pretty penny, she decides to simply have the inmates take shorter showers to avoid the expenditure.

Piper stops by Healy’s office for a chat. Things are still quite tense between them since that whole “I was going to let you get murdered” thing. However, Piper needs a favor. She asks for furlough to visit her dying grandmother. He brushes off her request, as she expected but it brings about a surge of emotion in Piper. She confronts him about standing by while Pennsatucky tried to kill her, an accusation he coolly denies. With no furlough, and no explanation for Healy’s actions, Piper leaves.

CO Fisher patrols the phone bank as the Weeping Woman sobs over her sons wresting career. Nicky sidles up next to her to gossip about the overheard conversations. Fisher claims she tries not to listen, but knows an awful lot about what’s being said. Nicky turns on the charm, claiming that privacy is overrated. Especially when you are alone and nearly naked in your bunk, nudge, nudge. Fisher tenses up, but Nicky goes in for the kill, telling Fisher she knows all the spots that the cameras don’t see. Overstep, Nichols! Fisher is not pleased by this suggestion and orders Nicky back to her dorm.

To get back at Vee’s crew, Gloria’s crew has over salted their food, making it inedible. It is just cold as ice to fuck with someone’s mac and cheese. Suzanne uses her excellent imagination to turn that salt into sugar, but the other ladies are not nearly as whimsical at heart. As Daya walks by, Watson demands a new tray of food. When Daya denies her request, Watson trips her. This causes Bennett to leap out of his skin. He grabs Watson and pushes her to the floor, then takes away her commissary privileges. The whole cafeteria stands by, shocked by Bennett’s outburst.

Flashback to Gloria’s bodega, where she runs in with her boys. Arturo has hit one of the kids and Gloria is finally done with him. Gloria is terrified that Arturo will kill them, so she plans to run away. In a panic, she runs to grab the cash she’s been squirreling away from her food stamp skimming. Before she can flee, Arturo comes in, nearly tripping on a table of lit candles, trying to apologize once again. Lourdes is having none of his shit, and stands between him and the kids. Outside, Arturo sees a group of cops gathering and runs away, promising to kill Gloria for calling them. The cops aren’t there for Arturo though. They’ve come to arrest Gloria for fraud. As Gloria is hauled away, Lourdes promises to look out for her boys. When Lourdes turns around, she sees her disgruntled customer from earlier. She knows that he has put a hex on Gloria and promises to make him pay.

Healy, not respected at work, and not wanted at home, finds himself alone at a bar. Although, he’s really not alone. Up on stage, is Caputo, playing bass for the band, Side Boob.

In B dorm, Watson is bereft, pointing out the injustices faced by African American inmates while the other women listen and agree. Gloria interrupts their conversation to demand a meeting with Vee.

Back at the bar, a drunk Healy tries to pal up to Caputo, complimenting his band, peppering his slurred speech with a multitude of “fucks”. They soon find themselves distracted by a commercial for Mr. Fig’s Senate campaign. At the end, towering over them on the big screen, is Fig. Caputo asks Healy about life before Fig, when he reported directly to the warden. Healy thought it was fantastic and terrifying, but at least the warden was a dude. Caputo is more concerned about working for someone who actually cares about the women in the prison. He also reminds Healy that they are there to protect the women of Litchfield, a fact that Healy has conveniently forgotten in all his misogynistic machinations.

When Gloria and Vee arrive in the bathroom alone, Gloria throws Vee up against the stalls and warns Vee not to fuck with her or her girls. Vee turns on the waterworks, crumbling under Gloria’s threats. Vee offers up the B Dorm bathroom to Gloria and her crew, which Gloria finds hilarious since it’s not Vee’s to give. Vee starts sweating and panicking, insisting that she’s trying to work with Gloria. With tears in her eyes, Vee asks Gloria to pull some strings and get Watson and Taystee transferred to custodial, taking over jobs from some of the Latin girls. Gloria remains suspicious but agrees to talk to Caputo if Vee follows through on her end. When Gloria leaves, a sly smile creeps across Vee’s face. You have been played by the master, Gloria.

His conversation with Caputo must have hit a nerve, because the next day Healy calls Piper into his office to let her know that he’s submitted her for a furlough. Piper is flabbergasted by this turn of events. Healy assumes she’d be staying with Larry, unaware of their breakup. She doesn’t correct him and goes off to call him. Caputo walks into Healy’s office, and Healy tries to chum it up but Caputo acts as if the night before didn’t happen. He’s there to get a sign off on some transfers from custodial to kitchen. I can almost see Vee sitting in her bunk, “muhaha-ing.”

Nicky, Morello, Big Boo and Chang gather to discuss the “bang-off” stats, and Nicky is seriously behind. Boo is pleased as punch by these development and struts off to find a new conquest. Nicky laments wasting precious banging time trying to court CO Fisher. She aimed too high. “I’m like Icarus whose wings melted before he could fuck the sun.” Morello suggests that Nicky spread a little friendly rumor that Big Boo has herpes. Morello always has the best ideas, doesn’t she?

Speaking of CO Fisher, she stops Caputo to ask him about inmate phone calls. He tells her that all the calls are logged into a computer but not really monitored all that closely. She volunteers to spot check the calls, and Caputo likes her initiative in invading the privacy of already marginalized and oppressed women.

On the streets of Astoria, which is mascaraing as Brooklyn, Larry gets a call from Piper. It’s the first time they’ve spoken since they broke up. He tells Piper about get bagnuts with Polly, which sounds dirty, while Piper sits behind bars eating Grade C meat products and frozen waffles. They get real for a moment, admitting they have missed each other, as painful as that is.

In the A Dorm bathroom, Vee and her crew arrive to survey the damage. Vee looks on the bright side: at least they don’t have to share. Cindy notices the new rules about thirty second showers, concerned that that is not adequate time to attend to her lady parts. Vee also announced that Taystee and Watson have been moved to custodial. This is bad news for Taystee, who adores working in the library.

In the kitchen, the women have created a makeshift alter and candle to send good thoughts and protection to Maritza’s daughter who is turning one. It’s a little something Gloria likes to call, Catholic Plus. Ruiz asks if Gloria believes in magic and spells. “I believe I can use all the help I can get,” Gloria responds. Red bursts in like a regular old Queen Margaret upon hearing that Gloria put in a request to have girls transferred from custodial. Red knows that Vee put Gloria up to it, and with this, Vee has taken steps to regain power at Litchfield. Knowing Red speaks the truth, Gloria barks at the women to get back to work. When Maritza tries to stop her from extinguishing the candle, Gloria reminds her that fire destroys.

Flashback to Arturo, sneaking into the bodega to steal Gloria’s money. The door that never locks, suddenly does behind him. On his way out, he knocks over a candle, sparking a nasty fire. Soon the entire room is engulfed, and Arturo meets his fate by flame.

Follow Dana on Twitter @danapiccoli

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