“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.01): A bun in the crime procedural

And just like that, we’re back. It has been three months since we last saw our favorite totally gay, not gay homicide detective and medical examiner in action. Since then we’ve had shows like Orphan Black, Orange Is the New Black, Wentworth and others with fully developed and realized lesbian characters return to TV as well. So, why continue to watch (and recap) a show like Rizzoli & Isles with no canon lesbian or bisexual regular characters?

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Because variety is the spice of obsessive TV watching. Subtext does not replace real LGBT content. Nor does enjoying subtext mean you don’t want more LGBT content. Of course we want more and better lesbian and bisexual characters on TV. Of course. But this isn’t a zero sum game. Taking away a show with subtext doesn’t mean a show with fully realized LGBT characters will automatically spring up in its place. So, yes, there is still space for subtext in a world filled with rich, interesting actual LGBT characters.

Enjoying subtext, to me, just means you enjoy seeing a diversity of relationships. I have always been the kind of Rizzoli & Isles watcher who is in it for the on-screen chemistry and not necessarily the hope that they might actually become a couple. I enjoy their friendship, support and effortless rapport. So then to fill the blanks to make what seems gay actually gay in my mind is just fun. You definitely don’t have to like subtext, but to deny those who do their enjoyment doesn’t seem right either. But, then, you guys knew that already.

Right, so with that, on with the show. A woman is jogging at night with one of those headlamps. Hey, have I ever told you about the time I was hanging out with a friend and found her headlamp on her bed and asked her what it was doing there and then she gave me a look and I dropped it immediately? Let’s just say she wasn’t using it for jogging. Anyway, the woman who is using it for jogging meets the business end of something sharp and unpleasant. This is why I don’t jog. Or pick up strange headlamps.

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Suddenly we see Jane, gun blazing. She is in a creepy alley. Is this a dream? There’s bad lighting and chain link. Is this a dream? Then there’s a door that definitely looks like a serial killer lives behind it. Is this a dream? And she opens it to find…herself in a pink nightie holding a baby. I was wrong, THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.

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Jane wakes up in a blind panic. Yeah, now you see how the lesbian fandom feels, honey. She runs to Maura immediately because that’s what they do. They provide each other with the emotional support their so-called heterosexual love interests cannot. If I have learned anything from Disney movies recently, it is that true love doesn’t have to come in the form of a handsome prince. Thanks, Angelina Jolie’s cheekbones, for teaching us all this valuable lesson.

Maura gives Jane some supportive Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching because she saw those movies, too, and understands. She tells Jane she is just nervous about being pregnant. Yep, the “cliffhanger” from last season is true. Jane is with child. That sound you hear is the groan of a million annoyed lesbians. Though, it’s not all bad news. Maura also tells Jane excitedly how her pregnancy will cause her breasts to enlarge. That’s Maura, taking lemons and turning them into boobies.

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Though Maura also informs Jane that her crazy preggo hormones can cause a lack of interest in sex. Big boobs, but no sex. You take the good, you take the bad on this show, that’s for sure. Though, possibly the best news is that it seems Lt. Col. Beard Force will not be returning from wherever in the world he is playing soldier. A grateful lesbian nation thanks him for his service and respectfully ask that it continue forever.

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