“Orange is the New Black” recap (2.4): A Whole Other Hole

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Red pushes a wheelbarrow across the yard, stopping only to look wistfully at Gloria checking in the kitchen delivery. Red makes her way to the prison greenhouse which has seen better days. While inside, she notices a mouse run through the floorboards and investigates its path.

A tear-stained Morello find herself in Christafuh’s bathroom, where she inexplicable decides to run a bath. Flashback to Morello on trial, and Christafuh on the witness stand. Morello smiles and makes eyes at him, while he sits there, ashen and uncomfortable. Turns out, she and Christafuh only went on one date. After that, she relentlessly stalked him and his new girlfriend. Even restraining orders wouldn’t stop her. It wasn’t until Morello planted a homemade bomb under his girlfriend’s car that she ended up in custody. So, Morello is delusional. I’m so depressed.

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Back in the tub, Morello sits in a sort of fugue state until she hears Christafuh come home and start calling for his fiancé. She hightails it out of there through a window, but not before she steals a little teddy bear that says “Love lives here.” Whoa.

Red shows up at Caputo’s office to tell him that she’s ready to settle down and has found a hobby just like he suggested. Knowing his love of plants will help her cause, she asks to start a garden in the greenhouse.

Morello squeals up to the hospital entrance just in time for CO Fisher and Rosa to arrive. She pulled it off. Doesn’t hurt that CO Fisher isn’t the most observant, and also really nice.

In the caf, the “pee hole” conversation is still going strong, just with a different group. Leanne assumes it was like a series of caves, Angie’s got a full on golf course sprinkler situation going. Piper can’t believe that they don’t know their own anatomy, but Yoga Jones asks Piper if she really knows the score. Turns out, only generally. Yoga Jones tries to guilt trip Piper about poor lonely Soso, who is looking for a place to sit and friends to call her own. When Sister Ingalls hears that Soso is in the slammer because of political protests, she gets on her high horse about what “real” protesting is all about. When Piper invites Soso over to fuck with the Sister and Jones, they abandon ship and leave Piper alone with her. Soso just doesn’t understand why everyone is in such a bad mood there in prison. Piper slyly suggests that things could get worse and she should perhaps find herself some protection. You know, like maybe a big, strong prison wife. Enter Big Boo who’s been able to overhear the whole conversation. Soso sees through the ruse pretty easily, and is appalled (as she should be) that Piper was trying to trade her for a blanket, and walks away in disgust. “You know she’s right Chapman. You’re a horrible person,” Boo laughs.

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Soso runs back to her bunk crying and finds a sympathetic ear…and other things in Nicky. In the chapel, Nicky is feverously going down on a very naked Soso. Soso keeps talking and talking, knocking Nicky out of her groove. So Nicky gives up, pulls down her own pants, and finds another way to keep Soso’s mouth busy.

Red goes back to the greenhouse, where she now has free reign. She’s excited but not about the plants and veggies they will be growing there. Nope, under the floorboards, she’s found herself a drainage pipe just perfect for smuggling in goods.

Vee saunters into Taystee’s bunk and immediately starts into her about cuddling with Poussey. Taystee reasserts her straightness to Vee, but Vee isn’t letting her off the hook about her closeness to Poussey. “Gay for the stay is for punk ass bitches who aren’t strong enough to stay true to themselves,” Vee tells an uncomfortable Taystee. She shames Taystee into worrying about how she’ll be perceived when she gets out. Then Vee busts out the big guns, poisoning Taystee’s mind that Poussey is not her real friend.

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Larry and Polly sit watching TV together, leaning against each other, just shy of cuddling. Polly is grateful for his friendship and company, and kisses him on the cheek for his troubles. Get a room, you two.

Finally, the great “pee hole” debacle is officially put to rest by Sophia and a helpful diagram. It’s an “ah ha!” moment, even for CO O’Neill who pays special attention. Sophia encourages everyone to go and get to know their cha chas.

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It’s movie night (The Secret of My Success, starring Michael J Fox) and everyone is watching. Soso is curled up next to Nicky, and still talking. Poor Nicky. Big Boo watches with a scowl. Boo turns to Piper and offers the blanket, but not before rubbing it furiously on her crotch. Piper is indignant. Poussey arrives late to find that for the first time, Taystee hasn’t saved her a seat. Taystee is cold to her friend, and Vee chastises Poussey for being late. In the back of the room, Morello sits clutching the teddy bear and crying. Yoga Jones notices her crying and offers her support. Morello is still stuck on thoughts of marrying Christafuh, and no one knows it’s all in her head.

Follow Dana on Twitter @danapiccoli

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