This episode of Orange is the New Black was kind of like going out for drinks with a co-worker you really like and think you know pretty well, then watching them get black out drunk and confess to robbing an orphanage. You’re like, “Holy shit, you are not who I thought you were at all — but I really love it when we go to Chipotle together on Thursdays. How do I reconcile this?” Oh how do you solve a problem like Morello? How do you hold a wackjob in your hand?
It’s morning, and Morello wakes up early to do her hair and apply her signature red lipstick in order to drive Miss Rose to chemotherapy. CO Fisher joins them and asks Morello about her upcoming nuptials. Morello makes the excuse that the wedding is on hold on account of all the people who want to come and the challenge of calling wedding vendors from prison. “Hello, Carla’s Cupcakery of Secaucus, an inmate from Litchfield Penitentiary is trying to contact you. Will you accept the call? By the way, can you bake a tiny file into one of those cupcakes?” Only Nicky knows that the wedding is not happening, so Morello does her best to save face. Rosa pipes up to reveal that she’s cursed when it comes to weddings. Both her husbands died, so she wouldn’t marry the last man she was with. Rosa gives Morello a little pep talk: She’s get less than five years on her sentence, and she’s still young. Rosa on the other hand knows she will die in prison.
Flashback to Morello still living at home with her family. It’s kind of a shit show. Her bitter older sister’s kids are running around, smacking heir heads on table corners and whatnot, her father just wants to watch his stories, and their ailing mother is ringing a bell and yelling for assistance. Morello ignores it all and locks herself away in her room, which is covered with homemade collages of pictures from magazines. Her fantasy life. In the middle is a handsome male model, wearing a smart sweater, a heart drawn around him. She then gets on the phone and files a false claim for a missing delivery of some designer shoes. Nothing like a little mail fraud to take the edge off.
In the cafeteria, Vee and Suzanne are eating breakfast while Vee observes contraband makeup on some of the inmates. She wonders aloud how it’s getting in, and Suzanne tells her that not much is coming in anymore since Red’s operation was shut down. Vee smiles, knowing her old frenemy was gaming the system. Suzanne tells Vee about the hooch Poussey makes, which sounds a lot like the “sangria” I used to make in my dorm room. Speaking of Poussey, she, Taystee, Watson and Black Cindy sit down to join them. Poussey has come up with an apparatus to let her pee standing up, which Vee finds unpleasant mealtime conversation. It also stirs up the age old controversy, “Where does the pee come from?” Taystee and Black Cindy are firmly on the side of “big hole” while Poussey tries to explain that there is a separate exit. A disgusted Vee leaves and takes Suzanne with her.
In the bathroom, the discussion continues. Taystee is full on spelunking to try and see this elusive “tiny pee hole” but it eludes her. Taystee asks Poussey how she knows all this, and Poussey says she’s aquatinted with plenty of Poussey, ok. Taystee tenses a bit, especially when Poussey innocently offers to show her. Poussey then advises her to find the hole inside the hole. Wow, this is getting really confusing. Thankfully, Sophia shows up and sets them all straight. “You have your vagina proper, and you have you clitoris. The urethra is located between the clit and the vagina, inside the labia minora.” Amen. (One day, I’m going to name my future Vermont B&B, Vagina Proper.) Sophia is an expert on vaginas because she designed her own. She hands Taystee a compact mirror to take another look and viola! Suddenly everyone wants a turn to see their own lady land.
Speaking of lady lands, Big Boo has a bone to pick with Nicky. Nicky is getting it on with all the new girls, leaving no one left for Boo. Nicky is a bit of a heartbreaker, and the girls are too busy lesbian processing to take a ride on the Big Boo train. It’s called Clitorference. Learn this term, for when we become a true Clitocracy. Boo picks up Nicky’s diary of conquests, much to Nicky’s chagrin. Brook is on Nicky’s list, and it becomes pretty clear to Boo that Nicky’s addictive personality shines through all these meticulous entries and conquests. Nicky insists it’s not addiction, but rather a calling: “I’m like a bean flicking Mother Theresa.” Boo challenges Nicky to a friendly competition.
In Piper’s bunk, Soso is asking a lot of questions, and irritating everyone as usual. CO O’Neill pops in to let them know that they will be assigned bunks and to gather their belongings. Soso hopes they will be roommates. Piper hopes that a cinderblock will fall on Soso’s head. Probably. O’Neill and CO Bell pass each other in the hall and it appears their relationship has grown chilly. It’s not lost on Piper. When they enter A block, Piper notices her books and belonging spread out amongst the other inmates. She is totally pissed and starts taking them back. Piper is assigned to Red’s bunk, a fact that is news to Red who hasn’t shared a bunk in twelve years. When Piper asks to have some space in the cell, Red refuses. New and improved Piper takes it upon herself to clear Red’s shit right out of the way and makes room for her own. (Alex would be proud.) With Red’s loss of control at Litchfield, Piper is no longer worried about the repercussions of standing up to her.