It’s new inmate day at Litchfield, and Morello leads the little fishies around, showing them their new, less than impressive surroundings. Big Boo is there to scope out a future prison wife, and sets her eyes on a fresh faced inmate. Poussey, Flacca, Black Cindy and Boo get a good laugh in at their expense but shit gets real when a familiar face enters the hall. Piper Chapman is back, and she’s got a new swagger y’all. The kind of swagger that says, “I will gut you with a plastic spoon if you touch my pudding.” The women are shocked and awed. Black Cindy even makes the sign of the cross. No one knows what to say as Piper silently floats on by.
In the bathroom, Red is shaving her own legs. Her own legs, people! How the mighty have fallen. From the other side of the room, she hears a woman quietly singing in the shower. When Red peeks her head around the corner, she sees Vee soaping up. Red quickly retreats, and the look on her face tells us that there is history between the two women. One that doesn’t bear repeating.
In the rec room, Black Cindy, Poussey, Taystee, Watson are playing a spirited game of Celebrity, while Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” keeps time. Poussey and Taystee dominate the match easily, speaking a language that only best friends can. Suzanne asks to take a break from clock duty to join in, but the women refuse. Suzanne flipped out the last time they included her and now even the regal game of Jenga has been sullied. Suzanne takes the disappointment and pushes it back down to wherever she’s been storing it all these years.
Flashback to Suzanne as just a wee butterfly flitting about the hospital where her mother has just given birth. Her father has brought her to meet her little sister for the first time. Suzanne comments that the baby looks just like her mom and dad, and her mother tells her that’s because they made her. (If you recall from Season 1, Suzanne’s parents are a Caucasian couple.) Suzanne asks to hold the baby, and they allow it with a little hesitation. See, Suzanne is already mighty intense, even at the age of five or six. When her father takes the baby from her arms, Suzanne has a tantrum. She is calmed by a kindly nurse, who talks sweetly to her and offers to fix her hair. It’s where Suzanne picks up her signature look.
Morello leads Piper and the new recruits back to the same cell Piper was first assigned when she arrived at Litchfield. This time, it brings her comfort instead of despair. She runs over and kisses Miss Rosa on the cheek, and hugs and open armed Anita. She teases Piper about her run in with Pennsatucky. New inmate, Brook Soso is taken aback when she hears that Piper is a lover and a fighter. Morello assigns Brook to the bunk above Piper, and hands her some soap and a toothbrush because “she doesn’t look full Asian.” Ah Morello, your beauty is only surpassed by your relentless racism. It ain’t cute, kid. Morello hands Piper the same toiletries and the two share a tender little moment of reunion. When Vee asks for a toothbrush and soap as well, Morello pretends like she’s fresh out. “One of the black girls didn’t come around when you got in.” Vee stares her down with the intensity of a thousand fiery suns, but Morello is non-plussed.
Pennsatucky is back in her house of worship: the laundry room. She’s all smiles because now she has Taryn Manning’s teeth and all is beautiful and right with the world. Angie and Leanne are not quite feeling the love however. They won’t even acknowledge her new teeth. Pennsatucky accuses them of being jealous, and lashes back at them. She wants something better than folding nasty panties all day long. A higher calling, only this time with fewer delusions of grandeur.
In Taystee and Suzanne’s bunk, Suzanne is making all sorts of strange noises and annoying the shit out of her roomie. Suzanne reminds Taystee that she was adopted, and Taystee declares that she wasn’t, so fuck all. Enter Vee, who questions Taystee’s response. It’s the first time they’ve spoken since Vee’s arrival. Suzanne starts talking but Vee tells her not to interrupt, which shuts Suzanne right up. Taystee is angry with Vee because when Taystee got out of prison a few months back, she went to find Vee, who was in the wind. Taystee tells Vee that she’s pretty good at looking out for her own ass, too bad she wasn’t there when Taystee needed her. Taystee walks out, leaving Vee and Suzanne alone. Suzanne tries to give Vee her best advice to deal with hurt feelings. (Just keep buffing.) Vee perks up when she hears this and asks Suzanne is she’s on maintenance. She is indeed, buffer extraordinaire. Suzanne realized at that moment that she has no idea who this woman is. Vee introduces herself then boops Suzanne right on the nose like a little girl and calls her Suzanne, not Crazy Eyes like everyone else. This delights Suzanne to no end.
Flashback to ten year old Suzanne and her sister Grace, getting dropped off for a slumber party. The mother of the birthday girl is less than pleased to see Suzanne. Suzanne’s mother is already on the defensive, and demands to know if it’s because Suzanne is black. The mother throwing the party denies that is the issue, citing that it’s a party for six year olds, but Suzanne’s mom knows better. She starts to break down about how she only wants to give Suzanne a chance to succeed in life like everyone else. Fully aware that Suzanne has emotional issues, her mother defends her child’s right to be a child without judgment or labels. The other mother slaps on a smile and allows Suzanne to stay.
In the library, Daya sits in the stacks reading about prenatal care. Bennett finds her, and talks to her through an opening in the books. They keep trying in little ways to have some semblance of a normal relationship, even though that’s pretty much impossible under the circumstances. She shows Bennett an article about folic acid and the benefits on the development of healthy babies. He suggests that since his mother and most likely hers as well didn’t take prenatal vitamins that their kid will probably turn out just fine. Daya, hormonal but totally justified in her irritation, tells Bennett that she wants a better life for her child than the one she was given. She confesses that she plans to tell the administration that she’s pregnant, an idea that he is heartily against. Before they can argue, CO O’Neill , who is working it with his pedometer all over the prison, interrupts them.
In Sophia’s Salon of Everlasting Grace and Beauty, Red is ready to get beautified. Well, not so much beautified as ready for battle. Sophia offers to make her fierce, or FIERCE. Red goes with the second option. Sophia chats Red up, asking why the change of demeanor. Red reveals she wants to intimidate a recently re-admitted inmate from her past. “Don’t fuck with me,” Sophia says, giving her best Red impression. Of course she has the perfect color for the occasion, “Shank a Bitch Auburn.”
On the phone with her sister, Morello gets a dose of bad news. Christopher is getting married, and moving to Albany with “her.” Ooooh, we all know “she” is the worst! Morello gets shockingly angry and threatens to strangle “her,” but is immediately brought down by her sister’s disapproval. Morello apologies profusely and begs her sister to tell her the date of the wedding. She sobs into the phone, “My poor baby, he’s so confused. He doesn’t realize she’s a WHOOORE. Why would you want Jessica Simpson when you’ve got Rihanna?” I’ve wondered that myself many times.
At a coffee shop in the city, Larry meets up with Andrew, the writer who is trying to get dirt on Litchfield. Larry thinks he’s there to talk shop about his NPR piece, but Andrew wants an in with Piper. He’s trying to bring down Asst. Warden Fig and needs Piper’s access. Larry tries to spin it back onto himself, saying that he’d be a great asset to have.
In the cafeteria, an inmate expresses concern about the food and Lorna successfully mimes “imaginary gluten allergy” to Gloria. “Prison is gluten,” Gloria says, “Don’t commit the crime if you can’t fucking have flour.” Elsewhere in the caf, Nicky decides to have a come to Jesus (or Alex) moment with Piper. She suggests that she and Piper are “snatch sisters” now. I can see the White Christmas-like costumes already! Piper is not interested in discussion Alex Vause’s vagina at the mo, especially since she’s convinced that everyone is staring at her. Nicky thinks it’s just more of Piper’s narcissistic need to be the center of attention, which is true, but also, everyone IS staring at Piper. Nicky pushes the Alex issue, telling Piper that Alex ran to her with a broken heart and perfect boobs. Sophia stops by to say hello and inspect Piper’s face. “I knew them bitches were lying when they said you left here looking like Omar from The Wire.” Despite their differences, Piper tells Nicky she missed her. Nicky sends the sentiment right back. Piper opens up a bit about her experience in the SHU and Chicago, and questions if it matters if she lived or died. Nicky, in her wisdom, tells Piper the world is bullshit, but Lil Nicky would miss her some Chapman if anything happened to her.
Vee is trying to get the lay of the land, so she approaches Cindy about getting access to the maintenance room. Cindy isn’t in the mood for Vee’s attempts at niceties, nor is she up for doing a stranger any favors. Suzanne is nearby and overhears Vee’s request.
Flashback to the sleepover, where the little girls are playing a storytelling game. The birthday girl is all like, “Once upon a time there was beautiful princess who was also emotionally stable.” Suzanne’s sister is next and adds a line about the giant house the princess lived in. When Suzanne’s turn arrives, she has dragons attack the house, where the little girl is abandoned by her family and burnt to a crisp. The birthday girl is so pissed, even her crown is trembling. She calls Suzanne stupid, and Suzanne drops her head in shame.
It’s lights out in Chapman and Soso’s bunk and Soso is sobbing while everyone tries to sleep. Piper reluctantly gets up and attempts to comfort her. Soso, as she is wont to do, starts talking and doesn’t shut up. She rambles about her best friend Meadow, working on an organic farm, and something else. Truthfully, I zoned out the same time Piper did. Piper tells Soso that she cried her first night too, and she’ll get used to the weirdness of prison life soon enough. “Everything ends Brook, even prison,” Piper tells her. “Focus on that.” Brook grabs hold of Piper for a hug, mistaking Piper’s kindness for friendship.
Larry’s out on an awkward date with a pretty lady, but they are both bored and probably a little tipsy. She asks about Piper, and he’s surprised that he knows about her. Google, Larry. Google. Apparently his father set them up, and gave her the scoop. She’s a pediatric neurosurgeon, and tired of dating guys who are actually accomplishing things. She likes that Larry is kind of lumping it about town. Run Larry! My spidey senses tell me a boat load of control issues await.
We interrupt this date to bring you a gratuitous scene of Nicky fingerbanging a girl with actual bangs in the showers.
Suzanne makes her way into the maintenance room where she tries to get into the outlet where Vee has something stashed. She electrocutes herself at first using her hands so she tries another tactic. She runs the buffing machine right into the outlet and voila! She finds a pack of cigarettes.
In Daya’s bunk, Bennett leaves her a bag of raw spinach under her mattress. What a prince! Daya is like, “I am not a rabbit, you meathead. Get me some vitamins, poppa.” He asks to meet in their special spot later, and she softens.
Suzanne walks into Vee’s cell but freaks when she sees Piper, so she tosses a toothbrush and runs out. Vee follows her and finds Suzanne hitting herself on the head. When she collects herself, Suzanne tells Vee that Piper hates her, and that Piper is a dangerous person. Kind of like herself. Vee is surprised to hear that Piper intimidates Suzanne. “In my day, the black women ran this place,” Vee tells her. “I say ‘women’ because that’s what we were: Women. Not a bunch of little girls, running around here with bad attitudes.” She tells Suzanne that she sees her, which to a person who wants nothing more than to be seen, is like being given the moon. Suzanne pulls the cigarettes out of her pants, and makes quite the impression on Vee. Vee instructs Suzanne to hold her head up and not let anyone underestimate her again. Even Piper.
We cut again to Nicky doing another lady, this one with a pot leaf on her ass, in the bathroom. Big Boo is standing by, commenting on Nicky’s technique. She suggests one perhaps…in the…never mind. Nicky takes her suggestions with grace, but continues banging in her own style.
Vee wanders into the kitchen to find Gloria, who is in no mood for bullshit. Well, that’s kind of like Gloria’s default. Good thing Vee is only carrying compliments. She tells Gloria that her salsa is the shit, so Gloria decides to listen to what Vee has to say. Vee flashes the cigarettes and inquires about a trade. Gloria nearly salivates at the thought of one of those smokes.
In Mr. Caputo’s office, he’s brought Piper and Pennsatucky together to clear the air. Tucky is pretty much still riding high on her new teeth, which she only got because Piper knocked her old ones out. Win win. We can all go home. Piper pipes up, promising to be a model inmate. Caputo says that they’ve both been found responsible so case is closed. Piper is confused because Pennsatucky never hit her. Caputo begs to differ since Piper was found passed out in the snow with a bloody face. He strongly suggests that they hug. They do like they are both hugging a cactus. When they leave, Caputo whips out his personal masterbatorium, but changes his mind. Thank god.
Litchfield is suddenly the OK Corral when Vee and Red finally lay eyes on each other. They walk toward one another, two bulls, horns sharpened. When they meet up, surprisingly they hug it out. They tease each other the way only formal rivals can. Barbs softened by age and mutual respect. Vee talks about how the game inside has changed and how this time, she’s going to lay low. Red doesn’t believe her for a second.
Flashback to Suzanne’s high school graduation. She’s set to sing a special song in front of the entire audience and she’s nervous. It doesn’t help that her mother has been pushing her hard for so long to express her greatness. When she gets up on stage, she freezes and begins hitting herself in the head. Flash forward to the night of the Christmas pageant when Suzanne was supposed to sing, and couldn’t so Lorna took over. Afterward, Suzanne is feeling full of the spirit, until Flacca and Maritza make fun of her. Suzanne runs out into the courtyard crying, where she sees Piper beating the hell out of Pennsatucky. Something in Suzanne snaps and she charges toward Piper, screaming “Mommy!” She punches Piper right in the nose, stopping her assault on Tucky. Suzanne keeps screaming about her mother pushing her, and knocks Piper out with a right hook.
Back in the present day, Suzanne approaches Piper and asks to speak with her. Piper follows her into the hall. Suzanne apologizes for that night, but Piper expresses her gratitude. If it hadn’t been for her, Piper could have killed Pennsatucky and ended up spending her life behind bars. Piper invites Suzanne to watch the movie later that night with her, but Suzanne no longer hearts Piper. With Vee watching, she says no to Piper and walks away with her head held high.
In the guard’s locker room, as Bennett is getting cleaned up, he realizes there is a way to sneak vitamins into the prison for Daya. In his prosthetic leg.
In Nicky’s bunk, she’s writing feverously in her sex journal (who knew?), when she’s interrupted by the sound of sobbing. Morello is curled up on her bunk, surrounded by crumpled tissues. Nicky goes over to comfort her. Morello, clutching newspaper wedding announcements, cries that not only is Christopher getting married, but on the date that she had planned for them. Nicky lets Morello crawl into her lap and cry.
Piper walks into her cell to find Soso casually lying on her bed. When Piper asks why the hell Soso is on her bed, Soso goes into some story about a book she read on matriarchy in Papua New Guinea. Piper instructs Soso to take her books and her friendship and her endless blathering and shove them up her ass. “I am a lone wolf, Brook, and a vicious one. Don’t make me rip your throat out with my teeth.” Ok, I’m not the only one that’s a little hot and sweaty now, am I?
It’s Celebrity time again, but today the ladies are a little distracted by Vee’s presence. Poussey is wary, and Cindy thinks Vee acts like she owns the place. Watson tells them that Vee used to at one point, or at least that’s the rumor. Taystee chimes in and Poussey realizes the connection from Taystee’s stories of her childhood. Just then, Flacca comes in with a sheet cake, compliments of Gloria. It has sprinkles and everything! Vee calls Suzanne over for the first slice, while the other girls watch, their mouths watering. Vee offers Taystee a slice as a peace offering. When Taystee doesn’t take it, Vee begs for forgiveness and promises not to let Taystee down ever again. Vee then invites the rest of the ladies to share in the Funfetti treasure. Red watches from the doorway, knowing that Vee is up to her old tricks. When Suzanne starts fiddling with her hair, Vee walks over and suggests a change. Looks like there is a new sheriff in town.
Outside, hacking away are Gloria and Aleida, smoking the cigarettes from Vee. They are stale and awful and Gloria realizes she was duped. Heads will roll.
