“Glee” recap (5.20): The Rachel Show

Here it is kids, the Glee finale.

Sam is raring to go because he’s landed an audition for Treasure Trails, which I think is either some sort of man-scaping product, or a new show at Cedar Point. One day he hopes his dream of appearing half naked on the side of a bus will become a reality. Mercedes is cool as long as she can scrawl “MINE” all over every one she sees. She’s busy getting ready to tour the malls of America like a regular old Tiffany. At Rachel and Kurt’s apartment, she preps the gang for the arrival of the writer the network hired to work on her pilot script. When there is a knock at the door, we are pleased to see our darling Brittany standing there. She’s all tan and glowy. Apparently she’s been stuck at the airport without a passport to come home for months. Surprisingly this is a detail that Santana left out. Brittany is phoneless since her breakup with Kiki, so she doesn’t know that Santana is on a wheat field in Iowa getting her Yeasti-Stat on. Pardon me for a moment while I collec….What the hell?! I’m sorry for my coarse language, but seriously? What kind of fuckery is this? Ok, moving on…

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Soon after Brittany arrives, Rachel’s writer Mary Halloran shows up and she is a piece of work. She’s a little “Lena Dunhamesque” but a total train wreck whose bowels instantly kick in at the mere smell of food. Hopefully Kurt stocked up on the Charmin. After she takes care of business, Mary drags out an actual typewriter and tries to get a feeling for Rachel. Mary loves the gay dad angle (makes them astronauts) but loathes the Glee club parts (not enough irony).You could almost see Rachel’s mind flip through her songbook to find any Alanis Morissette.

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At Mercedes’ kick off show, Artie documents the rising star. She tells the camera that Santana will be joining up with her in Reno (I’d pay to see that sitcom) and Brittany has just joined her tour as lead dancer. She bursts into her hot single, “Sh Sh Sh Shaking My Head” and it’s obvious that Mercedes is going to be a big deal. The song has lyrics like “why does gravy give you heart attacks” but I’m choosing to focus on the glory that is the dynamic duo of Mercedes Jones and Brittany S. Pierce. Seeing Brittany dancing again brought a wee tear to my eye. Please don’t ever leave, ok?

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Blaine is in his rehearsal space, making sure he has enough room to “freestyle” when June comes in with cupcakes. She tells him that all he really needs to succeed, is talent and a lot of hard work. He’s down in the dumps because he’s been lying to Kurt about the showcase. Just as he goes to ask June once more if Kurt can perform, she cuts him off. Her reputation is on the line, she reminds him. When he defends Kurt’s incredible talent, she warns him not to cross her. Careful Blaine, or you’ll never eat cupcakes in this town again. A bewildered Blaine sits at the piano and sings John Legend’s beautiful love ballad “All of Me.” Kurt comes in halfway though, looking a bit like Fred from Scooby-Doo, if Fred lived in Chelsea and rode a City Bike. Kurt brought lunch to share with Blaine, but the lunch goes flying as soon as Blaine tells the truth about the showcase. Kurt is furious that Blaine has lied again to him, but Blaine tries to explain that he thought he could convince June to change her mind. Kurt storms out, telling Blaine that he just doesn’t think he can believe anything he says anymore.

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