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South of Nowhere: Recaps: Episode 2.7 “That’s the Way the World Crumbles”

The Scene of the Crime-This week’s episode opens with another look at the tragic lesbos-interruptus scene that jarred our queer psyches just a few days ago.

This time, we get some fresh angles–like a quick close up of Spencer almost kissing Ashley. Then it’s more of the same drama. Mama Carlin is casting lesbi-Satan from her home as Spencer runs after them both screaming, “I love her!”

Squishy Dad is beside himself trying to contain all of these crazy women at once. He tells Spencer that it’s all going to be okay, but she knows better. She screams “No it’s not, I just want to be with her!” The Defiant One comes back for one last embrace with Spencer before Paula exorcizes her completely. Then, as if that’s not enough, Paula turns to poor little wrecked Spencer and hisses, “You disgust me!”

And we all know that the only reasonable response to that crap is, “I hate you!” So that’s just what Spencer says.

The Breakfast Table-Because he’s only committed a felony and not a Crime Against Nature, Glen is being lovingly encouraged to eat a normal breakfast rather than his daily regimen of pain pills. He’s whining about how the smell of the food is enough to make him puke, then Paula comes in. Uh oh. She might grab him by his hair and tell him how his junkie bullshit disgusts her.

Whoops. Wrong kid.

Instead, she just tells him, “Sweetie, the withdrawal effects will go away within a couple of days…As the dopamine levels balance out, don’t be surprised if you feel really depressed over the next couple of days.”

Mama’s boy is getting the royal treatment, and even Arthur tells him to come home from school if he needs to. Everyone is hugging on Glen when Spencer comes into the room. She is clearly suffering from Ashley-withdrawal, and her dopamine levels are dangerously low as well.

And they take another hit when Paula tells Spencer that she’s keeping her home from school.

In unison, Arthur and Spencer respond to this statement with a neck-snapping, “What?!”

Paula: I don’t want you seeing Ashley, which means until we figure this all out you’re staying home from school. Arthur: Yes she is. Paula: No she’s not. And I’m not going to work either.
Paula looks over at her slack-jawed sons and barks, “You two, go!”

Jesus she’s scary!

Arthur: Why are you doing this? Paula: Because I love you Spencer and you’re sick. Spencer: I’m sick? Mom, Glen was so addicted to pain killers that he wound up in jail, and I’m the one who has to get better?
Arthur pulls on his big boy pants and tells Spencer to wait while he talks to Paula.

Arthur: Why are you doing this, Paula? Paula: I’m trying to help our daughter. Arthur: Well, you’re pushing her away and we’re gonna lose her. Paula: Oh open your eyes Arthur! We already have.
Does anyone ever win an argument with her?

Smelly Gym-Across town, Madison’s Million Dollar Baby is taking his aggressions out on a defenseless punching bag. Madison asks if he’s imagining the bag is Kyla. No, Maddy, the bitch slap is your thing. Aiden’s just cheering himself up with an adrenaline rush and the comfort pretty boys like him get from body sculpting.

Madison pretends that she didn’t mean to start the whole Aiden/Kyla shit-storm, but Aiden doesn’t care.

Aiden: I learned my lesson. I’m done. Madison: With what? Aiden: Girls!
I missed the next couple of lines because they were drowned out by the spontaneous, collective shriek of delight that rumbled over the hill from West Hollywood. I think every gay bar in town just announced a new Aiden-related drink special.

I have the good sense to back up and listen again. While the boys in WeHo are clinking glasses, Aiden tells her, “I’m going straight for women. They know what they want, they don’t play games, and did I mention MILF is my new favorite four-letter word?”

Aiden’s first stop? My guess is Chez Paula.

But he’d better not tell Ashley, who is suddenly standing right behind him. She wrestles Aiden away from Madison’s desperate clutches in order to fill him in on her big dyke drama.

Ashley: Spencer’s mom walked in on us.
This is the part where Aiden would usually say, “That’s hot.”

But he doesn’t.

Ashley: She kicked me out of the house and now Spencer isn’t even answering her cel. Why does this hurt so much?” Aiden: I don’t know. But I do know something that might help.
He picks up a punching pad and tells her, “Pretend this is Paula.”

Ashley wails on it without much prompting, and when Aiden tries to get her to lighten up, she snarls, “It’s either you or the bag, so put it back!”

And again he resists the urge to coo, “That’s hot.”

King High—Clay is telling Sean just how bad things really are. “My brother’s kicking a drug habit, my mom’s freaking out after walking in on my sister and her girlfriend, and Chelsea’s…” he stalls but eventually spills the beans about her pregnancy.

Sean gives him a “Didn’t I teach you any better than that?” look and tries not to give Clay a desperately-needed refresher course on condoms.

Glen’s Requiem for a Dream—High schoolers scatter away from Glen as he stumbles through the halls like Ellen Burstyn running from her refrigerator. When he gets to his lockers, he finds a lone pill, considers taking it, and then stomps it to dust on the sidewalk. ($10 bucks says he’ll be back again later with a straw to get it).

Ashley calls Spencer, whose cel phone is encased in Mother Superior’s web. As the phone rings and rings, Paula surfs the internet for some religious zealot porn—i.e. a website for an organization that promises to de-gay people. It’s called, “Pure Restoration, Inc.” and they promise to “bring families back together.” The front page warns, “Don’t take ‘I’m gay’ for an answer.” (Funny, my dating philosophy has always been “Don’t take ‘I’m not gay’ for an answer”, but then how often does that lead to a happy ending?)

Upstairs in the land of the sane, Spencer is un-ironically sitting in her very stylish closet when her sensitive dad comes to find her. She tells him, “I wanted to tell you. I was going to. It just wasn’t supposed to happen like this.”

Poor Spence asks her dad if he hates her.

Arthur: No, of course I don’t hate you. I love you. And I’ll never stop. Ever.
Not even when you shave your head, get that piercing, and declare a Women’s Studies major.

Spencer: Mom’s already stopped. Arthur: No she hasn’t. Your mom is just afraid. We’ll get through this, I promise. Spencer: What if we don’t? Arthur: That’s not an option.
She rests her head on his shoulder and we zoom in close for a truly sweet and tender moment. Don’t worry, kitten, with at least one parent on your side you’ve got an advantage that some homos never get.

Somewhere downstairs, an unseen piano player whips up a swirl of melodramatic, evil tones as Paula jots down the number of DelusionsAreUs.com. If she had a moustache, the pianist would force her to twirl it.

Arthur enters the room and Paula hides the number and closes up the laptop. She knows that hippie husband of hers isn’t going to sign off on any brainwashing (unless it’s the psychedelic sort).

Paula: How is she? Arthur: More upset than I’ve ever seen her. Why aren’t you talking to her Paula? Paula: Because I don’t want to say anything to her that I’ll regret.
Like, oh I don’t know, “You disgust me?”

Nah, Paula doesn’t regret that one. Maybe she’s more afraid of accidentally apologizing.

Arthur: It’s too late for that. I think we need to talk this out. Paula: I agree. I think we should consult a specialist.
Snap! Wouldn’t that be like Arthur rebuffing Mama C’s medical treatment and asking for a second opinion? The guy’s a social worker for crying out loud!

Arthur: A specialist? In what? Paula: In turning her back. In saving her. Arthur: Saving her from what? Paula: It’s not natural, Arthur, what she’s doing.
She’s obviously never read And Tango Makes Three.

Arthur: According to whom? Paula: According to God! According to the type of people that will judge her and hate her! Arthur: Like you. I’m going to take Glen to his rehab counselor. We’ll finish this when I get back.
No, she’s going to finish it right now. When he leaves the room she calls the anti-gay brain-drain people.

Coward of the County—Glen and Arthur are heading into the LA County Social Services building when Glen stops to hurl into a garbage can.

Glen: I’m going to die. Arthur: You’re not going to die. Glen: Kill me!
Arthur feeds him some bull about how he’s already made it through the “toughest part” which is “admitting that you have a problem.” I don’t know, barfing, depression and hallucinations seem a bit “tougher” if you ask me.

Glen: Thanks for being there for me. Arthur: Wait until Rhonda gives you electric shock therapy before you thank me. Glen: What!!?!? Arthur: I’m kidding!
Crisis brings out Arthur’s sarcastic side. He, like Glen, is more interesting when Glen’s all hopped up on pain pills.

Knocking On Heaven’s Door—Continuing her ballsalicious bender from last week, Ashley pounds on Spencer’s front door and practically pushes Mother Superior out of the way to get in.

Ashley: I want to see Spencer. Paula: Well I’m afraid that’s not going to happen. Ashley: Really? Spencer!
She calls out to Spence as she barges through the door, but Paula shoves her back out again.

Paula: You are not welcome in my home, so just go. Ashley: Don’t you want her to be happy? Doesn’t she deserve that?
No, not so much. Paula tries to shove her out again and Ashley shoves right back.

Ashley: I am not leaving. I will stay out here all night and day if I have to, but I’m not going anywhere. Paula: Great! Then I’ll just have you arrested.
Spencer finally gets off her ass and comes to the door. Maybe it was the mention of Ashley in handcuffs?

Ashley: Spencer, please, let’s just leave. Paula: Spencer, You are not going anywhere Spencer: Mom, stop it! Ashley: You can try to keep her away from me, but you cannot keep me away from her, Paula. Paula: Watch me. (Then, to brainwash dude who arrives at the door) Hello!
Creepy brainwash guy introduces himself as Crawford Taylor and tells Spencer, “I’m here to get you through this.”

Spencer looks confused. Maybe she thinks he’s there to cart Paula off for some anti-bitch reparative therapy.

He tells Spencer, “We’ll get you back to a normal lifestyle.” Spencer sputters, “What?” while Paula gloats and Ashley’s head nearly explodes.

Paula swings around and says, “Goodbye Ashley” before unceremoniously shoving her off the doorstep and slamming the door in her face.

Hey, couldn’t that technically be considered assault? Or child abuse? Or lesbian abuse?

The homophobes and Spencer all sit down for tea and creepy man tells her, “This is probably the worst day of your life.”

He looks vaguely familiar.

Spencer: Oh I don’t know. The other night sucked too when mom walked in. De-Gayer: I have a lot of experience in this area, and I’ve helped a lot of people with your condition. Spencer: What condition? Being in love with a girl or having a mother who can’t accept that? Paula: Spencer, I just want you to have the best life that you can. De-Gayer: Your mother was crying when she called me on the phone.
Because the pain and humiliation you felt when your privacy was invaded and you were told you were disgusting by your own mother was really hard for her too!

De-Gayer: Your mother does love you. She just doesn’t understand your choice. Spencer: Love? Love is unconditional, it’s not something you feel someone only when they act like you want them to. De-Gayer: True. And is your love for Ashley unconditional? Spencer: Yes.
Paula sighs and rolls her eyes. Because she’s a master communmicator.

Back at Detox—A hip and sassy counselor is doing Glen’s intake as Arthur looks on. They discuss what kind of drugs Glen is “turned on” by. His answers tell her that this is Glen’s first time with an addiction.

Maybe this mean’s it’s a fluke and now he can just be normal again!

Straightsville—The De-Gayer wants to know if Ashley is Spencer’s first girlfriend, and Spencer says that she is.

Maybe this means it’s a fluke and now she can just be normal again!

De-Gayer: You mean when you first moved out here? Spencer: What are you getting at? De-Gayer: Paula, you moved out here for a job, right? Paula: That’s right. I’m an emergency room surgeon at county. De-Gayer: Late days, long nights. More hectic than it was in Ohio. Paula: I admit that I’ve been a bit absent. Spencer: A bit?!?!
Then De-Gayer spins his creepy theory about what makes a girl (temporarily) gay.

You’ve heard of an Oedipus complex, and of course there’s the Electra complex. But what do you call it when a girl just wants to get with her own mother? Aside from “disturbing,” I have no idea. Maybe a Wynonna complex?

(Please don’t send me hate mail over that Wynonna thing. Even Wynonna knows that I’m kidding.)

But the De-Gayer is delighted to go on about this freaky theory.

De-Gayer: You know, a lot of girls, when they feel their mothers have abandoned them or put them on the back burner, they turn to another girl for that maternal support. Spencer: Maternal? (snorts) You SO don’t know Ashley.
Can I get an amen?

Paula: You’re saying this is my fault?
Oh HELL no. No excuse for bigotry that includes anything being Paula’s fault is going to fly with her. And De-Gayer better get out while the gettin’ is good because Mother Superior is a badass. (Which makes me wonder if maybe her own mother once put her on the back burner.)

De-Gayer: Experience shows us that it’s more layered than we can imagine. Paula: Spencer, if you’re doing this to get back at me—
Um, no. He was suggesting that she was doing it because she couldn’t get AT you.

Eww.

Spencer: Mom! Why can’t you just accept that this is who I am? Paula: Because who you are is not acceptable!

It’s going to be tough to come back from that one.

So the De-Gayer “helps” by adding, “Ashley is a predator who exploited your emotions when you were at your most vulnerable.”

Spencer keeps the Judds vibe going by adding, “Yeah, kinda like what my mom is doing now!”

I hope that love really can build a bridge, because this is getting bad.

Grey – Aiden is knocking back some fruit punch after getting more clueless text messages from Kyla. She doesn’t know that Madison has been working her evil magic on Aiden while Kyla’s been away. Ashley joins him at the bar to deliver the bad news.

Ashley: It’s over. Aiden: What happened? Ashley: Her mom woudn’t let her out of the house. I went over there and some brain-washer she hired showed up to “straighten her out.” Aiden: Are you kidding me? Ashley: I need her. Aiden: Look, Spencer loves you and nobody can change that. Her mom’s just freaking out. Give it some time, she’ll calm down. Ashley: God–you can be so stupid sometimes! Aiden: What do you want me to say, Ashley? That you should kidnap her? Ashley: God—you can be so smart sometimes!
 

The Ferengi Hut—The De-Gayer is trying to give Spencer the “big picture.” Does she really want to be a big ugly man-hating lesbian for the rest of her life, or what?

That’s when Arthur, Glen, and Clay roll in and Arthur starts kicking ass and taking names.

Arthur: Who’s this? De-Gayer: My name is Crawford Taylor and I specialize in reparative sexual therapy. Arthur: Get out of my house!
Mother Superior tries to push Arthur around, as usual, but this time she’s gone one toke over the line.

Arthur: You invite this person into our home without even telling me? Are you completely out of your mind? Spencer, you don’t have to sit through this anymore. Paula: Arthur, she was finally considering what her life would— Arthur: You want her to do therapy? Fine. But it’s all of us. In an office at an appointed time that we all know about. De-Gayer: Can I say just one thing? Arthur: That is one thing! Now leave my house before I throw you out.
A few minutes later, there’s a knock at the door and Arthur assumes it’s the De-Gayer daring to come back and taste his wrath.

But it’s not. It’s just Clay’s birth mom.

Clay’s birth mom!?!?!

Yes, Clay’s whackanoodle mother has dropped by to say hidee ho. Even though her timing is lousy, Clay takes a risk and confides in her about the Chelsea situation—’cause, you know, she has some experience in this department. She flips her wig at first, but then she softens up. And then Mr. Man (aka The new Arthur) invites her to stay for dinner.

She’d better say yes, or he might just kick her ass too.

Desperation Alley—In the kitchen, Paula is trying to worm her way back into Spencer’s heart. And, you know, still convince her to be straight.

Paula: Do you remember when you were six and we went to the county fair and that little boy took your cotton candy and rubbed it in your hair?
I’m already getting misty.

Paula: And you started crying and you said “why is that boy being so mean to me?” And I told you “Because he likes you.” I miss that little girl.
Yeah, I could see how she would. The little girl that bought into Paula’s lame-ass romanticizing of patriarchal b.s. is so preferable to the newly queer teen with the hot(head) girlfriend.

Paula: I’m just afraid that all the dreams I had for you–
Like the dream of Spencer finding a nice guy who shows affection by roughing her up…

Paula: A wedding, kids, family vacations with us—that will all just disappear. Spencer: Your dreams for me? What about my dreams? Paula: I just want what’s best for you. Spencer: Fine! It’s Ashley. Paula: Spencer, you’re 16! You have no idea what it’s like for people who make that choice. And I have no idea if it’s a life I can be a part of.
And on that note, Spencer heads back up to her tower.

Spencer’s Room—Spencer hears a noise at her window, and when she opens it she sees Ashley and Aiden standing below. Aiden is holding a ladder (he’s good for heavy lifting) and Ashley is holding a sign that reads, “We’re running away!”

The girls race away in Ashley’s 8-cylinder carriage, where—I hope—they’ll finally have some privacy.

Next Week—The Spashley honeymoon takes a frightening turn when a sinister-looking tumbleweed appears to flatten Ashley’s tire out in the middle of nowhere. Then the girls take refuge in a dumpy abandoned trailer. Maybe you never promised Spencer a rose garden Ash, but this is ridiculous!

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