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South of Nowhere: Recaps: Episode 2.9 “Love and War and Love and War”

Carlin Family Home Evening– Mother Hen Arthur is herding everyone together for movie night, Clay is wringing his hands over whether or not Chelsea will call him, and Glen is bitching about having to hang out with the family in the first place.

All is right with the world.

The doorbell rings and it’s Ashley, who has found an ingenious ploy to get herself back over to Spencer’s house-delivering the cel phone that Spence must have “accidentally” left in her car. Arthur invites Ashley to join them for some good clean Carlin fun.

Paula mutters a very wry, modern Bette Davis-esque “Cool!” and crumples her pretty mouth up into a terse pucker. I think she was being sarcastic. Maybe. But she pulls it together and feigns an enthusiastic, “Why don’t you join us?”– leaving off the “before your soul is condemned to the eternal fires of hell” part.

Spencer tells Ashley that they are about to watch The Others, and Ashley pipes up, “Oh, that’s the one where you find out in the end that they’ve been dead the whole time, right?”

Yeah. That one.

Since Ashley has single-handedly busted up this family activity, Glen proposes something completely different: paintball. While Ashley quickly issues a “Hell to the nizzo,” Paula looks intrigued. Sure she mumbles an obligatory motherly, “What have we gotten ourselves into?” but I can see the sadistic sparkle in her baby blues.

A gun? My daughter’s lesbian lover? Hell to the yizzle!

Paula plays it cool and makes an innocuous comment about delaying her mani/pedi date with Spencer then innocently asks, “Ashley, would you like to join us too?”

Ashley only seems like she’s being polite when she demurs, but really it’s just her survival urge kicking in. Glen is proving that he truly is the fruit from Paula’s poison tree when he urges Ashley to join them. Since when does he want to hang out with Teen Lez? He even sweetens the deal by offering to invite Madison because she would “make for good target practice.” That’s all Ashley needs to hear before announcing, “Lock and load!”

Later, Ashley is heading out, all apologies for “ruining” family night. Spencer assures her that it was a pretty weird event in the first place, an attempt for them all to just get along with each other after so much recent drama.

Ashley: No, it’s great. Really. Spencer: What’s wrong? Aren’t you happy that my mom’s actually trying? This is huge, right? Ashley: Yeah, you guys are doing great. What’s next, a parade? Spencer: What do you mean? Ashley: Nothing. It must be really nice to have a mom who actually wants you around. Spencer: Ash, I know that you feel bad. This time it’s not about you and your mom. My mom is actually trying, and I’m glad that she is. For us! Ashley: You don’t really believe that do you? Spencer: Yeah, I do? Ash: Wow. Ok.
She leaves in a mini-huff, per the norm. Face it Spence, there’s no making this girl happy.

Chez Kyla-Aiden and Kyla are discussing the movie they just saw. Between the two of them, they WILL figure out what it was all about. This must be part of their new “friends” thing. Friends go to movies together, right?

Kyla makes a big point of telling him how much she enjoyed their time together, and Aiden deflects with a cheery “That’s what friends do!” That’s when Kyla starts her own tactical maneuvers. She asks him if he’d like to come in to the house, and he demurs.

Aiden: Oh, I don’t think that’s such a good idea. We’re just friends. Kyla: So stop “friending” me. Aiden: Ok. Buddies, pals, amigos.
Aiden gets saved by the bell-or the text message-when he gets word that the Carlin family has invited him to do the paintball thing. He invites Kyla to join him-as his “pal.” She grumpily resists, as paintball is no substitute for a hot and heavy make out session. But when he reminds her that she can use it as an opportunity to express her urge to kill him, she changes her mind.

More proof that Kyla and Ash really are related.

Then Aiden gets another text, this time from Ashley. She’s summoning him to meet her at Gray.

Stone Cold Carlin Creamery-Arthur is dishing up ice cream in the kitchen when Paula passes through. He tells her that she’s “doing great” in her efforts to treat Ashley like a human being.

Paula: Thanks. I’m just trying to keep Spencer at home. Arthur: Either way, did you see how happy your daughter was tonight?
That is until her huffy girlfriend flipped her some attitude and stormed out. Again. If she keeps it up, Paula may not even have to spend a round on Ashley. Spencer may just give her the boot for being a brat!

Gray Gardens-Aiden finds Ashley at the bar, nursing a…juice? He asks her where the party is and she snaps, “Right here! Fantastic, huh?” Aiden guesses that something has happened with Spencer and Ashley unloads. “I hung out with her family tonight, and … I don’t know, sometimes I feel like I’m her little gay science experiment.”

That’s so weird. I’ve never felt that way with someone before. I wonder what in the world she could be talking about?

Because he’s a straight guy, Aiden doesn’t understand the science experiment phenomenon either. He blusters, “What do you mean? You know she loves you.” Ashley wonders, “What happens when the experiment is over?”

Oooh, I know! I know!

Tears, accusations, litigation, swearing off any future sexy mad scientists. Followed by an unexpected fascination with a brand new sexy mad scientist. Then tears, accusations, litigation, etc.

Rinse and repeat.

Ashley: She’s moving closer to her family, but what if she’s moving away from me? Aiden: I don’t think Spencer sees it as a choice. Maybe you’re just a little bit jealous? Ashley: Of what? Aiden: Their whole family thing. You’ve never had that. Ashley: You’re my family. Aiden: Better than the real thing, right? Ashley: You ARE my real family.
Awkward silence. Where exactly is she going with this?

Carlin Homestead-Paula is skulking about her in pink robe while Spencer does her homework. She kisses Spencer goodnight, and Spencer calls Ashley.

Spencer: Where did you go? Ashley: Nowhere. I’ve just been home, thinking.
Lying about hanging out with Aiden? That’s weird.

Spencer: Are you ok? Ashley: Yeah. I dunno. Spencer: I don’t get it. We’re out now. We’re free. We don’t have to go sneaking around in secret. Ashley: We’re the opposite of free. Everyone’s in our business, especially your mom. She’s everywhere. Spencer: Whatever. (Click)

Gray—The sage blonde barkeep is tallying up Madison’s numbers, and something ain’t right. She confronts Madison about altering the credit card charges. Just as she drops a Donald on her and tells her, “You’re fired,” and Madison protests “You can’t fire me!” we cut to Maddy at school the next day, getting the same bad news from her former cheerbitch minion.

Minion: Yeah we can, and we just did. We took a vote. Madison: You’re high. I AM the squad.
Minion tells her that they can’t have a thief (ouch!) representing the squad, and then she promptly promotes herself to head cheerbitch.

But wait, there’s more.

Kyla appears and Minion pointedly tells her that there’s an opening on the squad. Madison walks away and Kyla follows. She knows that Madison gave Aiden an earful about her trip home to see her ex-boyfriend. She tells Madison, “I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing, but me and Aiden are still friends. You and I aren’t!”

King High Quad—Madison tries the “Hey, baby” approach with Aiden, and he’s not having it either. He accuses her of purposely ratting Kyla out to him in order to hurt her. Madison tells him in a sultry voice that she wasn’t thinking about Kyla when she did it, she was thinking about Aiden.

But this is the new, non-whipped Aiden. The lack of sex has cleared his mind and these girls are not going to play him anymore. He tells her that if she thought her little game was going bring them back together again, “You screwed it!”

You’d think after strike four, Maddy would be down for the count. But this final insult seems to have emboldened her, or maybe orchestrated some sort of psychotic break. She smiles and says to Aiden as he walks away, “All’s fair in love and war, baby.”

Oh boy. As Amy Ray once said, don’t give that girl a gun.

Paintball—A guy in a uniform announces to the Carlin squadron that they are playing “total elimination” paintball, which means their goal is to “eliminate the entire personnel of the opposing team.”

Everyone is standing stick-straight and in some sort of formation, and a few of them are even sporting camouflage (sadly, no sign of Ashley’s camo bikini. I’m sure Spencer is as disappointed as we are). But the “This-Is-A-Good-Day-To-Die-So-I-Might-As-Well-Look-Fierce” Award goes to Mother Superior. She is sporting some kind of wacktastic—yet, strangely sexy—flower child meets Lara Croft with pigtails getup. Jeez, Paula, stay away from the brown acid!

Glen is so hyped up that he’s practically peeing his pants. He’s gone all Apocalypse Now on us, having rubbed some brown stuff (I really hope that it’s shoe polish) all over his face—I’m assuming because the blood of an ox was not readily available.

In fact, Glen looks like a really bad drag king, the kind that uses face powder and a brown crayon instead of fake hair and spirit gum to make a passable “beard.”

The whole effect is just wrong, and I don’t think he could salvage it even if he broke into his own bad drag rendition of “Sharp Dressed Man.”

Paula is rightly freaked out by Glen (presumably his gung-ho-ness, and not the bad king thing), and actual hippie Arthur tries to calm her down. He tells her, “It’s great for Glen. He’s trying in his own Glen way to reconnect with the family.”

Paula snaps, “How? By killing us?”

If loving Paula is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

They guy in charge of the paintball place barks at the platoon leaders to assume their positions and Arthur, Glen and Clay scramble to the front of the line. Arthur is giddy with excitement, it’s like he’s signed up for his first Robert Bly men’s retreat and he’s feeling positively Neanderthal. He’s screaming in a decidedly un-butch manner and flailing about with his “gun,” and Paula chuckles because a.) she thinks he’s kinda cute when he pretends to be a guy or b.) she knows she can kick his ass. And she will.

Arthur pressures Glen to pick Paula (“Yay! First picked!”—she’s so competitive!), and Arthur picks Ashley (who immediately starts working on him to pick Aiden. And not Spencer? WTF?). Madison sprints onto the field and Clay immediately snaps her up. Sean questions his judgment, but Clay’s onto something. He watches her as she scowls at the lot of them and caresses her gun, and tells Sean, “Look at her! She’s ready to take everyone out!” Guess Clay really is the brains of the Carlin operation.

Are You Not Entertained?—The games begin, and, as fate would have it, Paula comes face to face with Ashley. She has a clear shot, but hesitates. Ashley whips around and sees what’s about to happen, and she gives Paula an indignant “You were going to shoot me, weren’t you!?!?!” look. Paula seems just a little ashamed of herself, and Aiden pulls Ashley to safety before Mother Superior can change her mind.

Across the way, Clay has just rejoined his team after a time out incurred when teammate Sean accidentally shot him. Sean and Clay team flub yet another murderous opportunity, and Madison’s had it. She shoots them both at point blank range, effectively rendering herself a solo Rambette. Without all of that dead weight to haul around, my money’s on Maddy.

Madison then runs into Glen, who stupidly holds fire when she suggests that they “Make love, not war.” Spencer sneaks up on them, but instead of taking out Maddy, she splatters Glen with globs of pink goo. Madison gets the hell out of there, and Spencer taunts Glen “Eat paint, G.I. Jerk!”

I’m getting the distinct feeling that this game is going to boil down to a battle of the Amazons.

Madison quickly runs into her next victim, Arthur, who forgot to leave his L.C.S.W. hat at the office. She fakes some blubbering about her tough teenage life, he tries to comfort her and she wastes him.

You didn’t really think Arthur was gonna walk out of this game, did you?

Across the way, Kyla finds Aiden, greets him with a “Hey there, pal,” plants a big wet one on him and then shoots him in the heart. She teases, “With enemies like this, who needs friends?” just before Ashley sneaks up behind her and says, “Say hi to Daddy for me” and smokes her.

Um, that was…weird. Well, I guess Ash is done with that whole grief thing.

Moving on…

Paula stumbles across Madison, sitting down with her back turned, complaining about an injured leg. (Damn! I was really hoping she might try the seductress ploy on one of the other women.) But Paula doesn’t buy it, and she splatters Madison before she can even draw her gun—which is exactly what Ashley does to Paula just a few seconds later.

Ashley taunts Paula with, “You should have killed me when you had the chance” a dangerous thing to say to woman who has probably held more than one human heart in her hand. We break for commercial before we find out whether either Ashley or Spencer decides to take the other out. They’re on different squadrons, remember?

King High—Madison is bucking for a Section 8. She shows up at school the next day, still in her cheerleading uniform (!) and strips the paint covered green monstrosity off of her body in front of all the other cheerbitches. Yep, she’s turning her uniform in alright, and I guess she’ll be spending the rest of the day in her skivvies. Spence and Ash watch in shock as she walks away in her undies. Either that or they’re checking out her cheer-toned ass.

Carlin Home—Paula opens the door to find Ash asking for Spencer. Spencer isn’t there, but Ash asks if she can come in to wait for her anyway. Paula hesitates before inviting her in. Which is a good thing, because it’s clear that Ash has an agenda.

Ashley: Mrs. C?
(OMG—she is so Fonzie right now!)

Ashley: I think it’s great that you’re trying to understand Spencer and all right now. It’s really important to her. But I feel like you’re just tolerating me. Paula: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Ashley: I believe you. You have no idea what Spencer and I are going through right now. Paula: What you’re going through is not what Spencer’s going through. Spencer’s not like you, Ashley. Ashley: I know I’m not the one you want her to be with, but I’m the one she chose. Paula: We’ll see who she chooses. I guess the battle lines are drawn. Ashley: Guess they are.
Paula walks away with an evil smile on her face, and Ashley glares at her with pure rage. This is old school, Melrose Place-style warfare, and I like it!

Next week—Spencer and Ashley share a quick peck on the lips! Each other’s lips! And then that pesky romantic video of Aiden and Ashley resurfaces. A naughty home video may have boosted Screech‘s stock, but I don’t think Ashley is going to fare nearly as well.

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